Whether you’re a bright-eyed freshman, have switched your major three times so far this semester, or you’re a junior and somehow still not quite sure what you want to study, let me assure you that the major you pick will impact your entire life in a pretty big way. Freshmen especially, listen up: your major also plays a big part in who your friends will be, what your college experience will feel like, and how other students perceive you. Will it matter after you graduate in terms of getting jobs? Not one bit. But it will affect your social life, which is the most important part of college, obviously.
Your major is also extremely important because if you’re gonna be hungover in your 8am, you might as well enjoy the other 200 people in the lecture and have some interest in the class material you’re so desperately trying to retain. For those of us not sitting in that lecture hall (we stop making that mistake after one semester), and eager freshmen alike, here’s what your major says about you.
Accounting And/Or Finance
I hooked up with a guy with this major who freaked out at me when I asked what made his major so hard. Apparently asking him how entering numbers into a spreadsheet qualified as a legitimate course of study wasn’t the most supportive thing to do in that moment, but whatever.
If you’re majoring in Accounting or Finance, you’re probably super ambitious and a douchebag on the side. Honestly, I don’t doubt you’re better at money management than me, so please hit me up if you want to teach me how to save money or if you know what the f*ck a 401(k) is.
Looking into the future, you’re probably super pumped for the Wall Street summer internship your sister’s boyfriend promised to score for you, but spoiler alert: you’re really doing coffee runs and won’t see any daylight, so have fun with that, sweetheart! You’re likely planning on being the betchy version of Jordan Belfort (you know, without all those legal issues and hopefully no quaaludes) but in reality, you’re looking at a sh*t ton of time spent networking with your dad’s friends.
Basically, if you’re delving into a business school major, be prepared to both work and schmooze your ass off each year to get ahead of the rest of your class. Unless of course, you quit after freshman year to become a comm major. No shade.
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It’s bizarre to me that econ majors and business majors have beef. Guess what? You’re all smart, you’re all annoying as hell, and you’re all equally as likely to either fail miserably or become the next Bill Gates!! You watch Bloomberg and read The Wall Street Journal while scrolling through that weird stock app I can’t delete from my iPhone. Obviously, you can also recite the entirety of The Big Short from memory.
I wouldn’t call myself an econ expert, so I’m not really positive how people actually apply their economics degree post-grad. You’re probably planning on going to even more school and becoming a professor or one of those
try-hard ~cool~ high school econ teachers or something.
Due to the interesting state of America today, these students are multiplying overnight. Poli-sci students tend to fall on opposite ends of the ideological spectrum. Whether sporting MAGA hats with no shame or constantly skipping classes to protest whatever dumb sh*t came out of the White House this week, poli-sci wins as the most entertaining spectator sport.
If you have absolutely zero chill, did Speech and Debate in high school, and enjoy starting sh*t with your friends, this is the perfect major for you! You get a thrill from causing fights after four vodka sodas, especially when the bartender tries charging you $9 for the fifth. Just remember, “God Brad, don’t you realize you’re contributing to capitalist oppression!?” isn’t as good of an argument as you think when you’re slurring your words… especially when the bartender’s name is actually Ryan.
If this is your major, you’re probably planning on going to law school and becoming the next Liz Warren or RBG (good luck). Just remember, we can’t all be Elle Woods, but it doesn’t hurt to try.
Comm classes are the 21st century version of Noah’s f*cking Ark. Seriously, where else can you find a clueless fifth-year senior, a hungover VSCO girl, and a future Pulitzer Prize winner learning the same thing?
If you’re a comm major, you’re either constantly asking your friend which filter matches your Insta feed aesthetic or talking about the depressing state of journalism today. Comm majors are constantly posting on social media, remain the go-to friend for caption ideas, and daydream of comparisons to Walter Cronkite as you host your own MSNBC (or Fox News) show.
In any case, your parents are paying a sh*t-ton for you to spend four years lazily plagiarizing Wikipedia articles about famous journalists to graduate with a fairly limited amount of hard skills. Congrats.
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If you’re uptight, a stoner, and have a bit of a superiority complex, philosophy is the perfect major for you.
When you come home for the holidays and your family asks about school, some of them shake their heads in disappointment, some of them have no further questions, and there’s a good chance your uncle will start an argument with you about Descartes’ theory of the self.
I’m minoring in philosophy and TBH I’m not even really sure what else there is to do with a philosophy degree aside from becoming a professor or marrying rich.
literally no one:
musical theater kids: https://t.co/PwPukUbzt5
— sadie (@sadieoleary) November 27, 2018
These are the students you hear belting everything from Phantom of the Opera to Wicked to Mean Girls in the communal bathroom. Theatre kids are basically real-life versions of the cast of Glee (during those awkward seasons that followed them to college).
If you’re overdramatic, kind of narcissistic, and not completely tone-deaf, a theatre major will feel like home. You probably continued taking dance classes and doing community theatre loooong after your friends outgrew their second-grade tutus.
When you aren’t loudly singing in your dorm during midterms (please quiet the f*ck down, practice rooms exist for a reason), you’re inviting your entire Facebook friends list to the event for your upcoming class performance of Guys and Dolls. You’ll most likely move to New York or LA after graduation and spend the foreseeable future in endless auditions. Good luck with that—the whole world’s your stage, betch!
I know, I know, these majors are actually really different, but they both, like, do math and build a lot of stuff so they’re grouped together in my mind.
The only real interaction I’ve had with an architecture student is the time I wasn’t watching where I was walking and almost knocked their model building over. Architecture and engineering both seem really challenging, and since I’ve never met either type of student, I can only assume they spend even more time studying than pre-med students.
If you’re studying one of these subjects, you probably played with Legos until you were 17 and did really well in subjects like geometry and physics. Since so much of your time is spent studying and building stuff, you’d better hope you can at least tolerate your classmates. From what I’ve heard, engineering and architecture students “like, basically live in lab/studio,” so you have to be cool with becoming a hermit.
Everything I know about architecture is based on Ted Mosby (so I wouldn’t exactly call myself the most credible source on this one), but maybe you’re aspiring to design a skyscraper in NYC one day! We love #betchesinSTEM.
While this isn’t technically an actual major, it might as well be. I’m not quite sure what pre-med students even learn about or how they do it, but anyone who has enough motivation to make it through a semester (or two) of organic chem is a better person than me.
You probably picked your major after binging Grey’s Anatomy for the first time. If you’re in pre-med, you have to be very patient (lol). You can expect to spend countless hours in labs and in the library. When you finally surface from the black hole of studying to go out, you’ll get stuck with whoever ends up puking, because “med school.” Your friends will probably treat you like f*cking WebMD any time they have a weird sneezing fit and tell you vivid details of alllll of their symptoms when they think they have a UTI.
Pre-med students should look forward to pretty much spending the rest of their young lives in school and residencies before finally starting to make enough money to pull themselves out of student debt.
If you’re just as smart as your pre-med friends (but with more people skills) and aren’t into the idea of a decade of school and a ton of student debt, you should consider nursing! You get to take a bunch of science classes, learn all about medicines and the minor difference between them, and in my experience, nurses are a hell of a lot more fun to be around and they get cooler scrubs. Then when you graduate, you get to do a bunch of the same stuff doctors do, only you get way less credit, are paid less, and treated worse! Exciting!
Spoiler Alert: Getting a 5 on your AP psych class does NOT mean you’ll automatically be good at college psych, trust me.
If you’re majoring in psychology, you’re probably not into letting your friend use Mercury in Retrograde as a reason to justify hooking up with their ex. It’s more likely that you’ll end up psychoanalyzing how their repressed experiences cause low self-esteem (which is such a buzzkill).
While some people who graduate with a psych major end up doing something totally unrelated, a lot of psych majors are truly doing the Lord’s work and making bank for it. Who else is willing to listen to the problems of bougie millennials and suburban moms whose kids have left for college?
What’s good, future Ms. Frizzle? Education majors often get a bad rap, but we all know that teaching is literally one of the most important professions ever.
Education programs are home to washed-up camp counselors, patient saints, and future trophy wives alike. If you can tolerate anyone from children to pretentious sorority girls, like coloring, and basically own stock in Michael’s and OfficeMax for all the money you spend on school supplies, this is the field for you.
Who knows, you might go on to be a kick-ass teacher and change some lives, Dead Poets Society style. If so, try reeeeally hard not to be one of those assholes who takes a full school year to grade papers because if it’s not abundantly clear by the 15 emails you’ve gotten asking for an update, students hate that sh*t.
There are literally hundreds of majors (and minors) you can choose to study, and this list just scratches the surface. If you’ve somehow gone through the whole course catalog and still don’t vibe with any of the options, your next steps will probably be to either create an individualized major or re-evaluate if college is actually right for you.
No matter what you decide to do with the next four-plus years of your youth, be prepared to spend at least half of that time pushing your body to its absolute limits in every way: hygiene (yes bitch, you do smell after spending three straight nights in the library), coffee intake (“is six espresso shots too many? I have a final tomorrow”), and stress levels, because you’re in for a wild ride. Good luck.
Images: kaboompics/Pixabay; off campus / Instagram (2); sadieoleary / Twitter
Well, fam, it’s time. The greatest show on earth is finally coming to a close. That’s right, Broad City is ending. I’m not crying, you’re crying! If you haven’t watched, just stop reading now because this article is going to be an epically long essay detailing every reason Broad City has truly changed me for the better, starting with the goddess co-creators and stars, Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer. This amazing pair started pure television gold. I mean, just take a look at the people who have guest-starred on the show for proof: Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch, Amy Sedaris, Seth Rogen, Kelly Ripa, RuPaul, Patricia Clarkson, Whoopi Goldberg and, lest we forget, Hillary f*cking Rodham Clinton. There have also been about a million other notable guest stars, but I didn’t want to give myself carpal tunnel trying to list all of them.
It’s the kind of show you can LOL at alone. Do you know how funny something has to be to make me laugh out loud with no one else in the room? V f*cking funny. Over the course of five seasons, I learned a lot about myself, New York, relationships, and more from this show, so if you haven’t watched and need a couple hundred reasons to start, read on.
1. Living In New York
Like most shows, Broad City takes place in New York, but not the New York we know and hate from Sexy and the City, Gossip Girl, Friends (which was actually filmed in L.A.), Girls, Seinfeld and every other white-washed sitcom and drama wreaking havoc on our televisions since the ’90s. The gals of Broad City live in Astoria, Queens and Gowanus, Brooklyn. If you don’t live in or near New York, neither of these places are in Manhattan, which is revolutionary for a show about New York.
Something else Broad City def got right are Abbi and Ilana’s apartments, which are neither inexplicably huge nor decked out in beautiful decor. If you don’t know what I mean, let me explain. Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City is a writer for a weekly newspaper. She writes a column about like, sex buddies and funky-tasting spunk (deep stuff!). Ok, so how, on a writer’s salary, is she living in a gigantic one bedroom in the West f*cking Village? I can’t even afford to get dinner there, and she’s living in a sea of Manolos in a rent-controlled apartment! I’m calling bullsh*t on this. Unless a Presidential motorcade hit her and the government is sending her monthly disability checks of $2 million, Carrie’s townhouse makes no sense at all. The way Abbi and Ilana live, with roommates and in reasonably-sized apartments, is a pretty accurate representation of what living in New York is like when you’re neither dead broke nor rolling in cash. Thanks for giving me a realistic preview of what living in this godforsaken city is actually like, Comedy Central!
In so many shows, the female character is always galavanting around the city on the hunt for a boyfriend, which like, same, but there are some women in New York (and elsewhere) who don’t really subscribe to the idea of monogamous relationships and just want to explore other options, like casual dating with no expectations. Throughout Broad City, Abbi and Ilana have wildly different dating experiences, but they have one thing in common: they represent female sexuality in a totally bold way, and for that, I love this f*cking show. Neither of the ladies apologize for her sexual or romantic inclinations, whether it be Abbi’s obsession with Jeremy (#pegged) or Ilana’s refusal to uproot her life for a man, even if he is the most perfect specimen to grace the Earth, Lincoln. I love the dating scene on this show because it’s nothing if not completely realistic and representative of dating in New York as a twenty-something. Almost everything that happens to them has happened to me: I’ve had a crush on a neighbor, I’ve been broken up with by my FWB because he met someone, I assumed a guy and I were dating after a week, etc. They tackle these situations in such an accurate and hilarious way that it makes me approach these epic f*ck-ups in my own life with a sense of humor.
3. Female Friendships
I am a ride-or-die betch, so I have like, nine friends who I’d do
literally anything some things for. Aside from all of the obvious things that define a friendship, Abbi and Ilana just really get each other, and refuse to let any disagreement or situation dictate otherwise. They will drop anything to help out the other and they support each other like it’s their job. It’s really a beautiful thing. Look, Gossip Girl is another favorite show of mine, but like, come ON with the pettiness and backstabbing, y’all! As women, we need to support each other in this f*cked-up Trumpville we call America. We need to make each other laugh and remind each other that we is kind, we is smart, and we is important because who else will? Mitch f*cking McConnell? I think not! Honestly, my favorite thing about this friendship is the way Ilana feels about Abbi’s butt, which is perfect and Ilana makes sure Abbi knows it, because what else do we have if not body positivity? If you can’t accept your body and face on your own, find a friend who will make you see yourself for the hot motherf*cking queen you are. We can’t all live like the Kardashians, who treat the traits they were born with like jumping-off points for plastic surgeons, so find a friend who will give you some body-positive confidence like Ilana does for Abbi.
These girls know who the f*ck they are, and I’m about it. Their characters evolve, of course, but they remain true to their nature throughout the course of the show, and that’s important to note. As a twenty-something in New York (how many times have I said that now?), I feel so much pressure to keep up with all of the cool new fashion lewks, workout spots, trendy restaurants, exclusive clubs, etc., but Abbi and Ilana don’t let that sh*t affect them. They just do what they want, like walk from the top to the bottom of Manhattan for Abbi’s 30th birthday. Watching that episode made me realize that I don’t really need to be doing all of these “cool” things (like spending $75 at dinner) because I feel like that’s what I should be doing, even though I’d rather order Domino’s while watching The Act with my roommate. The bottom line is that these women are proud to be who they are and want everyone else to follow in their footsteps, but in like, their own unique way, of course.
To conclude, Broad City is the funniest show ever and everyone needs to watch it. If you’ve seen it and ~it just isn’t your humor,~ please delete my number because we can’t be friends anymore. I hope Abbi and Ilana, who are real life BFFs, will make another show or podcast or SOMETHING together because the world is not ready to say goodbye to the most iconic duo of all time.
Images: Matthew Peyton / Comedy Central; Giphy (5)
By now, you’ve probably figured out that this weekend is the season premiere of Game of Thrones. Whether one of your roommates is randomly obsessed with it or you’ve been pretending to care so your hookup thinks you’re cool, the time has come once again for you to pretend you give a fuck about dragons and horses and shit. It will be unavoidable, and you will hate your life. Here’s what you need to do so you don’t feel like an absolute idiot for the next ten weeks, apart from just buckling down and binge-watching all the episodes in one night.
1. Read The Wikipedia Page
Learn some of the characters. Not like all of them, oh God no, but just a few that you could throw into a conversation if you really get cornered. Daenerys is the badass chick with the dragons, and Tyrion is the really short guy. Cersei was hot but she got a fugly haircut, so we don’t love her as much anymore. Jon Snow is hot and came back to life. Sansa is annoying AF. Got it? You’re doing amazing sweetie.
2. Prepare Another Topic Of Conversation
Naming a couple characters is useful, but don’t be afraid to change the topic if you get in over your head. For example, there is never a wrong time to talk about Beyoncé’s twins, and your coworkers will no doubt have plenty to say about her name choices. Other safe topics include sports (if you’re into that kind of thing), Russia, and The Bachelorette. Who cares about dragons? Let’s talk about Dean’s favorite kind of dinosaur!!
3. Distract Yourself
That should cover things when people are talking about the show, but what if someone makes you actually watch it? If you have to go to a watch party you should be okay, just because the other people there will have their eyes glued to the screen so you can text in peace. If someone makes you watch an episode one-on-one, pick a couple songs you really like so you can just play them over and over in your head. It’s practically like going to therapy, you’ll love it.
4. Prepare Your Excuses
This brings us to the most important thing: if someone finds out that you don’t watch GoT, you must have a solid excuse ready to go. Here’s our recommendation: “I realllllly want to watch it, I just want to give it the time and attention it deserves, and I haven’t gotten around to it yet.” That way, you’re not making it sound like you don’t want to watch it, you’re just saying that you were too busy in the last six years to literally find any time. Sounds right.
So stay strong this weekend betches, and don’t let anyone peer pressure you into watching a show that makes you want to carve out your eyeballs with a large sword. We’ll get through this together.