If you’ve been anywhere on the internet, you’ve heard the news of Kylie’s Forbes cover—and seen the immediate backlash. Personally, I had mixed feelings about it. I definitely stan for the Kardashians (and Kylie in particular). But I also bristle at the suggestion that they got to where they are through hard work and perseverance. TBH, most of the reason I worship them is because they have the option of doing the exact opposite. If I found people who worked hard to be inspirational, that would imply I wanted to work hard myself. Nope. I’d like to be born into a family of millionaires, doctor my face into submission, and make thousands of dollars off each selfie I Instagram. Isn’t that the American dream?
So, given that Kylie did basically exactly that, I both applaud her successes and scoff at the mention of her being “self-made.” But when I dug deeper into the story—and the backlash—I was admittedly surprised at what I found. (*Lights cigarette and squints à la Carrie Bradshaw*) I couldn’t help but wonder: Would Kylie have gotten all this backlash if she were a man?
What Did Kylie Really Achieve?
In researching this article, I did something I suspect many detractors did not. I actually read the Forbes article, and I learned some surprising things. First of all, Kim (age 37) is worth $350 million—compared to Kylie’s (age 20) estimated $900 million. To be worth 2.5 times the OG Kardashian is all kinds of impressive.
Second, Kylie Jenner trademarked the name Kylie Lip Kits at only 17 years old. This brings me to the point I’m really interested in. Apparently, Kylie trademarked the name in August 2014. According to this handy timeline, she first began denying rumors that she got lip injections in March 2014. This means two things. Within months of injecting her lips, she decided that her business would be based on selling women (non-injected) lip products. That’s BOLD. Also, she then admitted to getting lip injections in May 2015. Basically, announcing to the world: “I don’t think makeup alone can make your lips look good—but here are some of my fave makeup looks for $29 dollars each, available November!” And THEN she proceeds to sell out her first-ever launch in under a minute.
Sure, the accumulated wealth to launch the company (and buy those injections) wasn’t self-made at all. But she literally designed and purchased her own lips and then built a cosmetic brand based exclusively on said lips. The only way that could be more self-made was if she handled the syringe herself.
How Does She Compare To Other Self-Made Billionaires?
When compared with other self-made billionaires, the difference in the Kardashian clan is noteworthy. While many others came from privileged backgrounds, Kardashian wealth is extreme. Not to mention the fact that they literally broadcast that wealth, and so have an audience at the ready. So, all these factors play into the swift rebuke of the term “self-made.”
And yet. Much of the same criticism launched at Kylie is applicable, in other forms, to her fellow billionaires. Co-founder of Snapchat Evan Spiegel, who grew up in Pacific Palisades—the 4th wealthiest neighborhood in LA, and home to plenty of celebs—got a Cadillac as a 16th birthday present, went to a celeb-studded “ultra-exclusive” school, and took helicopters to family ski trips. His introduction to the tech world was assisted by his father’s alumni status at Stanford, his insider access through “family friends,” and countless other helping hands. Spiegel himself has acknowledged his privilege as a “young, white, educated male,” adding that “life isn’t fair.” Hurts to hear, but hella true.
So, What’s The Real Difference?
For one, there is the legitimate difference in amount of wealth and available publicity, which I acknowledged above. But, there’s also the fact that Spiegel, for all his self-awareness, can make statements like that because no one else is calling his status into question. People might argue about whether or not he’s an ass, but so far, no one’s balked at the idea that he’s self-made. Even the article I link to above, including all the details on his privileged early life, includes no direct suggestion that he didn’t earn his success beyond including Spiegel’s own quotes. The charmed life, the wealthy parents, and the parade of expensive cars are seen as little more than details about how lucky this self-made billionaire happens to be.
Per the dictionary’s shadily announced definition yesterday, self-made means “having succeeded in life unaided.” Evan Spiegel was not unaided. Donald Trump was not unaided—remember his father’s “small” million-dollar loan? Mark Zuckerberg was not unaided—he, too, has publicly stated that “you don’t get to be successful like this just by being hard working or having a good idea.” He even explicitly adds that if he’d “had to support family” or “didn’t know be fine if Facebook didn’t work out,” he’d never have made it. Sure, they may have been LESS aided—but privilege is privilege, and most of the self-made billionaires you’ll see on any list had a lot of it.
Is It Sexist Tho?
So, is it low-key sexist that the public only riots when Kylie’s included on this list? That only Kylie is demanded to actively downplay her own achievements, while male counterparts are lauded as shrewd and self-aware for acknowledging their circumstances? Yeah, kinda. Sadly, Kylie doesn’t fit the public image of what a young self-made billionaire should be. We’ve been bred to expect nerdy white boys in turtlenecks, and we don’t question their credentials if they fit the bill. But throw a stunner like Kylie on the cover of Forbes, and people go nuts trying to justify their worldview. While there is some merit to questioning how much “self-made” applies to Kylie Jenner, it’s a shame that only Kylie Jenner has provoked that insistent questioning, and not the privileged young men who came before her.
Images: Giphy (3)
In the words of Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and take a Xanax every once in a while, you might literally explode.” Or something. 24 hours ago I was stalking Kylie Jenner’s Instagram like a psycho to figure out what she might name her baby, and then fucking Stormi happened. So yeah, I might not have predicted the name correctly, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to use those two psych classes I took in college and try to figure out what the fuck Kylie is thinking. And by that I mean more Instagram stalking, duh.
I’ll admit it, when Kylie announced the name on her Instagram yesterday, it caught me by surprise. First of all, the name fucking sucks, but I mostly didn’t expect her to announce it so quickly after casually being a hermit for her entire nine months of pregnancy. Kylie was obviously going through social media withdrawals while she was pregnant, so get ready for her to return to full thirst trap status by March at the latest, but probably with a few more stretch marks this time. But today we’re here to talk about poor Stormi Webster, and why her mother did her so wrong.
First of all, we know Kylie didn’t choose this name at the last minute. Family members were reportedly buying customized gifts for the baby back in January, which means that Kylie really knew what she wanted. But how did she settle on such a fucking weird name?
An obvious meaning could be that Stormi represents all the controversy and scandal that Kylie and her family have dealt with over the years. Like, congrats to Kylie for making it through all the #stormi times, you go girl. I just threw up a little while typing that, but it would at least kind of make sense. Like, not enough sense to make it worth picking as the name for your first-born child, but whatever. Kylie’s not like, classically known for her good decisions.
Maybe Kylie is just really into current events right now, and has been inspired by the courage and big boobs of porn star-turned-Trump truther Stormy Daniels. It would be a little much for them to have the exact same name, but just add the stripper ‘i’ at the end, et voilà! One perfect baby name. Can you tell how much we love the name?
While we were obviously not victorious in predicting Kylie’s baby name, we have to give a shoutout to Breanne Durbin, who is apparently a legitimate psychic and predicted the name on Twitter on January 1. Breanne, please immediately go to a casino or something, because you have a true talent and we aspire to be like you.
I’m predicting it now, @KylieJenner and @trvisXX baby’s name will be Stormy RT if you agree #prediction
— Breanne Durbin (@BreanneDurbin) January 1, 2018
Congrats Breanne, you’re officially better than us. I swear to god, I’m going to start billing little Stormi Webster for my therapy sessions, because honestly this child has been my main source of stress over the past week.
Kylie now has her own reality show, Life of Kylie, which premiered this past weekend. And I watched it. I’m not proud, and I only partially enjoyed it, but here are all the things I thought while watching it. Read it and be glad you didn’t waste 44 minutes of your life like I did.
1. Okay, here we go. Bring it on, Kylie.
2. It’s 10am and I already want wine.
3. She thinks her life isn’t perfect?
4. “The only different thing about me is probably just that I have nice things.” Yeah, okay.
5. What a beautiful shot of her wigs.
6. “I’m so blessed”
7. That intro was appropriately dramatic.
8. “There is two sides of me.” Girl, learn some grammar.
9. Kylie basically says she hates social media which is like, obviously a lie.
10. Time to meet the gang!
11. Kylie’s BFF Jordyn is curvy and fierce and we like her already.
12. Kylie’s “assistant” Victoria is carrying a Birkin bag, because that’s normal.
13. Ariel does makeup and Tokyo does hair. Both are men.
14. KYLIE. LOVES. WIGS.
15. Should I start wearing a wig?
16. I would look high-key amazing in a wig.
17. Kylie is obsessed with makeup and realizes that she needs it to survive.
18. Kylie feels bad because she never drives her orange Lamborghini. But she’s just like other girls!
19. Those are the ugliest effing dogs I’ve ever seen.
20. Aaaaand Kylie is going to prom with a rando fan. His name is Albert and he’s “very emotional.”
21. “I have a soft spot for the outcasts.” Kylie is saving the world, one prom at a time.
22. Now we’re talking about how hard taking selfies is.
23. Guys, Kylie has like, a really hard life. But her last photo got 3 million likes so it’s whatever.
24. Kylie obvi looks amazing in her prom dress. Why won’t anyone pay for my body surgeries?
25. Kylie talking about being homeschooled. *yawn*
26. Kylie’s friends are convinced she’s going to be spring fling prom queen.
27. They’re supposed to be flying to prom but the private jet isn’t working. I hate when that happens!
28. OMG Kylie might have to take a *gulp* commercial flight.
29. Join the club Kylie, no one likes the airport.
30. Oh thank god, they found a new jet.
31. I’m pretty sure I remember watching this on her Snapchat story. I fucking hate myself.
32. BREAKING NEWS: Tokyo the hairstylist is gay. Shocking developments!!!
33. It’s a two-part episode. Have we not suffered enough?
34. Kylie surprises Albert and he looks v v uncomfortable.
35. Albert just said “wow” about 35 times. He is so awkward.
36. Why are there random hashtags just floating across the screen?
37. That white stretch limo is tacky as fuck. What is this, 2007?
38. Kylie wants to change Albert’s life. Kylie = Jesus, you heard it here first.
39. Kylie acts surprised when people lose their shit over her being at prom.
40. The most exciting thing that happened at my prom was some girl getting suspended because she failed a breathalyzer.
41. Obligatory speech about how Kylie, like, barely even likes attention.
42. Prom is boring, can we do something else now?
43. How long do we think they actually stayed at prom? 10 minutes? 7 minutes?
44. Jordyn is going on a date and Kylie is talking to her with a walkie talkie.
45. Where can I buy a walkie talkie? I might need that.
46. Jordyn “loves music.” This date is going well!
47. Kylie hasn’t stopped talking in the walkie talkie this whole time. She is actually the worst.
48. Jordyn called Kylie needy. Was that not obvious?
49. Kylie is going to therapy for the first time.
50. I’m going to need some therapy after this fucking show.
51. And just like that, Kylie’s whole life is fixed in five minutes of therapy. It’s like magic!
52. Jordyn takes Kylie to the beach at midnight. They’re totally going to hook up by the end of the season.
53. Kylie is wearing Heelys. She’s on thin fucking ice.
54. “This fame thing is going to end sooner than we think.” Does she die? No spoilers!!
55. Did they just make a suicide pact? I am so confused.
56. That was fun! Did you have fun? I’m gonna go eat ice cream for lunch now, byeeeee.
In life, there are only a few rules that should really never be broken: don’t talk about fight club, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and don’t ever EVER get a tattoo of a significant other’s name.
We can’t be sure about the first two, but Kylie Jenner definitely broke number three, as she and rapper boyfriend Travis Scott now have matching ink. Because the “T” tattoo for Tyga worked out so well for her relationship. The tattoos are small at least, tiny butterflies just above their ankles, but that doesn’t answer the most important question of “why in the fuck?”
Kylie and Travis have been together since Coachella in April, which, if you have basic math skills, you know was approximately two months ago. Sorry, but two months isn’t even close to the amount of time that makes a matching tattoo an option. Really, it shouldn’t ever be an option, but if you have to do it, at least wait until your wedding or something that actually matters. Like, I have food in the fridge older than Kylie and Travis’ relationship. We’re not here to tell you how to live your life, but don’t do that shit, you’ll end up looking stupid.
The meaning of the tattoo is apparently from Travis’ new song “Butterfly Effect,” which is obviously about Kylie. We can’t really understand any of the lyrics because we’re not up to date on the ~slang~, but he basically says she’s sweet like a candy cane and that their love is “icy like a hockey puck.” Oooh, sounds very romantic. We should probably go analyze Kylie’s new eyeshadow palette for hidden references to Travis, but tbh we don’t care that much.
So now that these two young lovers are inked together, how long until the curse of the couples tattoo strikes? We’ll give it six months so they can capture the whole thing on camera for the upcoming Life of Kylie TV show, but it’s not promising.
Love them or hate them, the Kardashian/Jenners are like the herpes of pop culture: they never fucking go away. You can thank/curse whoever makes the decisions at the E! Network, because another KUWTK spin-off is coming our way this summer. This time, Kylie is getting her own spin-off show called Life of Kylie because I guess rolling your eyes and denying plastic surgery rumors on KUWTK isn’t enough for her anymore and somehow warrants a separate show. We’re not super impressed with the name, mainly because we were hoping for a lip kit pun, but it makes sense that they chose a title as bland as she is. Then again, were they going for a Life of Pi reference? An Oscar-winning book-turned-movie, this bitch is not.
The network said in a statement that the show will follow Kylie as she “navigates her unique life as an entrepreneur, fashion designer, author, television star, style icon and CEO/Founder of Kylie Cosmetics.” You might not like her, but girl has definitely gotten a lot of credits under her belt for someone who still can’t legally drink and has never attended real school. I personally feel like “television star” is a bit pre-emptive since this series is only eight episodes, but okay. And also, “author”? Are they talking about the 2014 dystopian YA novel she “wrote” with Kendall, City of Indra: The Story of Lex and Livia? Because if so, the standards for being called an “author” are too low. In that case, am I an author because I handwrote a small book in first grade about the time I lost my first tooth? I can guarantee you more people read The Lost Tooth book than Kylie’s book, so I will patiently await my spin-off show.
Kylie called the show a “docu-series” in a tweet, which is really just a fancy word for reality show that may or may not be cancelled after 5 episodes. We’re basically expecting the show to be like her Snapchat stories but filmed on a slightly nicer camera. Hopefully with less whispering. There will probably be lots of lip kits, lots of her creepy dogs, and lots of humping Tyga in a Ferrari. Can’t wait. She also said the last couple years have been an incredible journey, which sounds about right given how much work she’s had done. I mean, the girl has come a long way:
In case you’re wondering, this will be the EIGHTH spinoff of Keeping Up. E! might be trying to compensate for Rob & Chyna, which obviously won’t be getting a second season, unless they want to do a True Crime series about what really happened when Chyna stole Rob’s Eggos, which actually sounds amazing as I’m typing it. Either way Kylie will definitely be pleased with herself. I mean, more pleased with herself than she is on a normal basis, which is actually kind of a difficult accomplisment.
At this point, Kendall will be the only sister who hasn’t starred in a spinoff, which means this will be the first time Kylie has ever had something that Kendall doesn’t. It’s okay, she stays busy, you know, walking in Paris fashion week, being on the cover of Vogue, and solving police violence through the power of Pepsi. She’ll be fine.
