Kylie now has her own reality show, Life of Kylie, which premiered this past weekend. And I watched it. I’m not proud, and I only partially enjoyed it, but here are all the things I thought while watching it. Read it and be glad you didn’t waste 44 minutes of your life like I did.
1. Okay, here we go. Bring it on, Kylie.
2. It’s 10am and I already want wine.
3. She thinks her life isn’t perfect?
4. “The only different thing about me is probably just that I have nice things.” Yeah, okay.
5. What a beautiful shot of her wigs.
6. “I’m so blessed”
7. That intro was appropriately dramatic.
8. “There is two sides of me.” Girl, learn some grammar.
9. Kylie basically says she hates social media which is like, obviously a lie.
10. Time to meet the gang!
11. Kylie’s BFF Jordyn is curvy and fierce and we like her already.
12. Kylie’s “assistant” Victoria is carrying a Birkin bag, because that’s normal.
13. Ariel does makeup and Tokyo does hair. Both are men.
14. KYLIE. LOVES. WIGS.
15. Should I start wearing a wig?
16. I would look high-key amazing in a wig.
17. Kylie is obsessed with makeup and realizes that she needs it to survive.
18. Kylie feels bad because she never drives her orange Lamborghini. But she’s just like other girls!
19. Those are the ugliest effing dogs I’ve ever seen.
20. Aaaaand Kylie is going to prom with a rando fan. His name is Albert and he’s “very emotional.”
21. “I have a soft spot for the outcasts.” Kylie is saving the world, one prom at a time.
22. Now we’re talking about how hard taking selfies is.
23. Guys, Kylie has like, a really hard life. But her last photo got 3 million likes so it’s whatever.
24. Kylie obvi looks amazing in her prom dress. Why won’t anyone pay for my body surgeries?
25. Kylie talking about being homeschooled. *yawn*
26. Kylie’s friends are convinced she’s going to be spring fling prom queen.
27. They’re supposed to be flying to prom but the private jet isn’t working. I hate when that happens!
28. OMG Kylie might have to take a *gulp* commercial flight.
29. Join the club Kylie, no one likes the airport.
30. Oh thank god, they found a new jet.
31. I’m pretty sure I remember watching this on her Snapchat story. I fucking hate myself.
32. BREAKING NEWS: Tokyo the hairstylist is gay. Shocking developments!!!
33. It’s a two-part episode. Have we not suffered enough?
34. Kylie surprises Albert and he looks v v uncomfortable.
35. Albert just said “wow” about 35 times. He is so awkward.
36. Why are there random hashtags just floating across the screen?
37. That white stretch limo is tacky as fuck. What is this, 2007?
38. Kylie wants to change Albert’s life. Kylie = Jesus, you heard it here first.
39. Kylie acts surprised when people lose their shit over her being at prom.
40. The most exciting thing that happened at my prom was some girl getting suspended because she failed a breathalyzer.
41. Obligatory speech about how Kylie, like, barely even likes attention.
42. Prom is boring, can we do something else now?
43. How long do we think they actually stayed at prom? 10 minutes? 7 minutes?
44. Jordyn is going on a date and Kylie is talking to her with a walkie talkie.
45. Where can I buy a walkie talkie? I might need that.
46. Jordyn “loves music.” This date is going well!
47. Kylie hasn’t stopped talking in the walkie talkie this whole time. She is actually the worst.
48. Jordyn called Kylie needy. Was that not obvious?
49. Kylie is going to therapy for the first time.
50. I’m going to need some therapy after this fucking show.
51. And just like that, Kylie’s whole life is fixed in five minutes of therapy. It’s like magic!
52. Jordyn takes Kylie to the beach at midnight. They’re totally going to hook up by the end of the season.
53. Kylie is wearing Heelys. She’s on thin fucking ice.
54. “This fame thing is going to end sooner than we think.” Does she die? No spoilers!!
55. Did they just make a suicide pact? I am so confused.
56. That was fun! Did you have fun? I’m gonna go eat ice cream for lunch now, byeeeee.