It’s summer so naturally large bodies of water—be they natural or man-made, pool or ocean—are dotting our summer outings. But like, what if you and your boyfriend/girlfriend/fuckbuddy feel the need to get freaky? Is it safe? Will you get some kind of flesh eating bacteria? We did the dirty work (like, literally and not so literally) of looking to find the answers for you across the interwebs (and my phone probably has a virus from that video I accidentally watched). So before you, uh, get wet (SORRY) this summer, read our tips about pool sex for a healthy, safe, and hopefully fun time.
1. You Will Need Lube
Alright now that we’re all uncomfortable, let’s dive right into this shit. It may seem stupid, but being in or underwater can actually reduce your body’s natural lubrication system which makes sex, er, not awesome. Try a silicon-based lube to avoid chafing. Obviously any water-based lube isn’t going to work as it’ll wash off. And speaking of which…
2. You Can Still Get STDs
I’m not sure what idiot would think you CAN’T get an STD once you add water, but, surprise, you can. If you don’t use lube, your chances of STDs and STIs goes up, since the chances of (I’m really sorry this is gross) tears to your vaginal or anal wall are much greater. Yeah, I threw the anal in there for you freaks out there. Kisses. Just a note—if you’re planning on using a condom in the water (hooray for safe sex) it needs to be put on OUT of the water and taken off out of the water as well.
3. Don’t Trip
if you’ve ever had shower sex, you know that firm footing is imperative. Same goes for your hot tub or pool endeavor. Make sure you and your special water-time friend have firm footholds before all the lunging, pushing, shoving, wtf-ever. Obviously, when it comes to a pool, the shallow end is going to be the best spot for this. Take cover, children.
4. Infections Abound
Hey it’s everyone’s fav part of sex—infections! Unfortunately, having sex in ANY body of water (pool, hot tub, ocean, lake) puts you at risk for some super gross infections including our favs—yeastys and UTIs. So like, just know that going in. Maybe just try some foreplay in the pool, and take the dirty dirty inside where it’s clean and dry—like a kitchen counter!
5. Don’t Break The Law
Soooo if you weren’t aware, sex in any form in public is super illegal. So, keep the underwater banging to your own backyard, the pool of a frenemy, or the hot tub of his ex. Teehee!
No one ever intends for it to happen. You’re out to dinner with friends, someone mentions an acquaintance’s house party and 3 tequila shots later you find yourself somewhere you never thought you’d be: a hipster’s living room. It’s not just the faint smell of pot or even the stack of vinyl records piled in the corner that gives it away; it’s the dingy window sills and overall lack of cleanliness that confirm your location. It feels more like a commune than a house with the 2-day old pizza and bags of weed out for everyone to enjoy, bathrooms lacking doors but overcompensating with incense, and home-brewed kombucha jugs lining the kitchen counters. There are no framed pictures of important events: birthdays, girls nights, nothing. What does fill the lackluster walls are homemade signs (“keep the damn door closed”) and 5”x7” prints of paintings no one outside their circle would recognize.
Now that you’ve taken in what is around you, it’s time to figure out who is around you. Hipsters are kind of like vampires in the sense that they only come out at night and are pale AF. Seeing them in their natural habitat can be both frightening and unsettling. First of all, you realize that you are the only one within sight whose outfit did not come from a garage sale. Your Tory Burch riding boots might as well be a neon sign reading “basic bitch.” The only similarity between the smorgasbord of mismatched outfits around you is the fact that none of them are worn with bras. Apparently saggy tits are in this year. Other than that, the styles range from 90’s grunge to flapper girl. Denim jackets, suspenders, crop tops, the shoes Louisa May Alcott wore, and velvet for days. You are also quick to realize that you are the only one with perfect vision (because all these bitches have glasses) and you seem to be the only one wearing any form of foundation/tinted moisturizer… the time hipsters put into their lipstick must be to blame for the neglect shown towards their shiny foreheads.
Pretty soon your perfect outfit, perky boobs and flawless complexion will draw the attention of the hipsters around you. They may be super high, but they can sniff out mainstream-ness in any level of consciousness. Should you run? Sudden movements will only make them paranoid. Plus, your ride home is somewhere in this house so you have no choice but to accept that you’re balls deep in hipster town. Your survival instincts will start to kick in. First, search the house for converse and oversized sweatshirts; there’s bound to be some that fit you somewhere. Run your hands all through your hair so it gets oily and stringy and pull it into a messy braid. Use whatever you can find to alter your appearance. Hats are always a good idea. Whatever you do, keep your bra on. Your Victoria’s Secret push-up is the only thing keeping you from losing your dignity.
Next, find alcohol. If all you find is an empty gin bottle (of course they’d only have fucking gin), find the closest gas station. It won’t be more than a 2 minute walk, guaranteed. For being such avid fans of growing their own food and being all natural and shit, hipsters can always be counted on to live within walking distance of modern conveniences so they can buy cigarettes and take advantage of public transportation. Once you’re there, buy something big because it has to last you the next few hours. I recommend a bottle of your favorite wine or better yet, champagne. If there was ever a time to drink champagne out of the bottle, now would be the time.
When you get back to the house, you will most likely find yourself forced into a conversation you don’t understand or care about. Mumbling things like “the 1 percent”, “farm-to-table” or even just nodding will keep you in the convo for as long as you need to be. This could also be a great time to catch up on any sleep. Hipsters may judge a bitch for being put together and having exceptional taste in makeup, clothes, etc, but they have no problem with coked-out weirdos falling asleep on their bathroom floor. So, find a couch that looks asbestos-free and sleep off this whole nightmare.
If you should choose to stay semi-conscious during the next few hours, you’re going to have to be smart. You may find yourself tempted to dabble in the hipsters’ drugs as they start bringing out the cocaine and various pills. Taking advantage of free drugs may be fun among friends, but these people are definitely not your friends. Yes, you need to numb yourself to the fact that you are surrounded by the underbelly of society with no way out, but you can’t completely lose your inhibitions. Do you want to wake up tomorrow wrapped in the soft arms of a mustachioed mixologist? Fuck that. Talk about sleeping with the enemy…
As more and more people either start passing out or heading to another location (probably a bar too “hip” to have a name), you will most likely be able to sort through the sea of hipsters to find your (asshole) friend who brought you here and GTFO. If her eyes are glazed over and she’s using words like “typography” or is raving about the IPA she just drank, no worries. It’ll wear off soon.
When you get home, shower (really scrubbing may be necessary), check for new tattoos (real or temporary), take three Advil PM’s, download every episode of The Hills, and fall asleep to the soothing sound of Lauren Conrad’s voice. You’ll wake up refreshed, rejuvenated and last night’s events will be nothing more than a distant memory.