The holidays are upon us, and for those of us that are celebrating Christmas, this can only mean one thing: Spending time with your drunk, delusional family members who are somehow still convinced Donald Trump was a good choice for president. Yawn. And sure, you’ve gotten into it with Aunt Linda on her stupid Facebook statuses where you can
plagiarize spend time crafting eloquent political thoughts, but responding to her BS IRL can me mentally taxing, especially when you’re two eggnogs deep. That’s why we’ve created this handy list of holiday clapbacks, so you can seem witty and smart during your inevitable Christmas Eve political meltdown. You’re literally so welcome.
They say: “The Democratic party is filled with creeps like Al Franken.”
You say: “First of all, creeps are bound by no political party. And second of all, the GOP proudly backed an equestrian pedophile who is banned from a mall and voted for a man who bragged about grabbing pussies on national TV. You can go shave your back now.”
They say: “What about the Hillary?”
You say: “Trump is the one in the White House and Hillary is on a hike in the Chappaqua woods for the foreseeable future so please just let her get her steps in in peace. But if we must bring her up, let’s remember she won the popular vote by 2.9 million votes.”
They say: “If global warming is real then why is there snow on the ground?”
You say: “It’s about long term trends in weather patterns, Uncle Jerry. Not just a single week of cold weather. And the earth, unlike your new girlfriends, is getting hotter and hotter.”
They say: “The tax bill is going to be great for the economy.”
You say: “Idk what tax bracket you’ve set your dreams in, Grandma. But this bill is a mess and you’re probably going to lose Medicare because of it. Unless you’re secretly a billionaire in which case, the $20 you’ve been sending me for my birthday every year needs to increase by 200%.”
They say: “Trump is actually a very successful businessman.”
You say: “Trump got all of his dried-up money from his crusty dad, and everything he’s made from steaks to his unfortunate-looking kids has been a flop.”
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!