If you felt a random pain directly in your heart for no reason today, it may be due to an egregious act of blasphemy committed against Her Holiness The Queen Beyoncé. What kind of monster would commit such a heinous crime against the world’s most beloved
religious musical figure? Why, the same person who brought us Taylor Swift’s “Look What You Made Me Do” video, of course! Joseph Kahn, or as he shall be known from this day forward, Beelzebub, actually had the audacity to tell the LA Times that not only does he not think “LWYMMD” copied Beyoncé’s “Formation” look, but that in fact Beyoncé copied Taylor’s look from “Bad Blood.”
Umm…excuse me…? There is only one response to an outrageous statement like that, and it is:
How is it even legal to make a statement like this? The world is out here trying to focus on North Korea and hurricanes while Joseph Khan thinks it is okay to go around blaspheming Beyoncé? Hell the F no. So what exactly did
Benedict Arnold Joseph Kahn say? Well, I hesitate to even copy/paste it for fear that my keyboard will melt in protest, but here’s the full quote:
It’s not “Formation” at all. They say she’s wearing a black crop top and Beyoncé wore a black crop top. But they don’t realize in 2015 in “Bad Blood,” Taylor Swift was wearing a black crop top. I really do think, by the way, that Beyoncé copied “Bad Blood.”
And then, I assume, he was sucked back down into Hell where he belongs.
So first of all, the Taylor Swift/”Formation” comparison was mostly a joke used as a vehicle for some very funny tweets about Taylor being
unoriginal white AF. And for those who did take the comparisons seriously, it was never about a crop top. Honestly, the crop top is the least comparable part of this whole thing:
Joseph Kahn is clearly out here trying to start shit because nobody liked his dumb music video or the dumb song the music video is for, and while I get the impulse to throw shade on others to distract from your own fuck ups, keep Beyoncé’s name out ya mouth. I’m pretty sure that’s like, the 11th commandment.
Now, of course, Kahn is trying to backtrack saying that he was “just trolling” via Twitter, but we all know the truth. You came for the queen and you missed. Hard. Next thing you know he’ll be saying he was hacked or some other bullshit. Whatever Joseph. Why don’t you stick to making mediocre videos and leave the high art to Beyoncé?
Except for Blank Space. That video was good.
Last week, JAY-Z (he wants us to capitalize it now lol) put out a new album that you probably haven’t listened to because you’re not the kind of girl who pays for Tidal when you already have Spotify. Because he’s extra AF, Jay also put out a “mini-documentary” to go along with the album, and in it he answers some of our most important questions.
Basically, he finally addresses how he obviously cheated on Beyoncé and how that clearly makes him the worst person on the planet: “I just ran into this place and we built this big, beautiful mansion of a relationship that wasn’t built on the 100 percent truth and it starts cracking. Things start happening that the public can see.” We’re pretty sure this is a reference to the infamous elevator fight with Solange, aka the moment that Jay was added to our permanent shit list.
Somewhere, Solange is wearing some hipster flowy dress and sipping her scalding hot tea, just rolling her eyes the hardest at all of this. Jay cheating hasn’t been news since Lemonade dropped a year ago, but it still feels fucked up to hear him talk about it, because like what the fuck was he thinking?
He also says in the documentary that one time he had to beg Bey not to leave him, and that the thought of losing her was harder than, like, selling crack for a living or trying not to get shot. Shit’s real. We have to give major credit to Beyoncé, who’s obviously less of a petty bitch than us, because we wouldn’t have taken that shit for half a second. Instead, now she literally can guilt trip him for the rest of his life to get what she wants, and he can’t say a fucking thing about it.
Thanks for your honesty Jay, now go back to kissing your wife’s ass, because you’re definitely still low-key on the shit list.
When you’re hosting a group of betches—be it for a pool party, Champagne and caviar toast, or Bachelorette viewing, you need enough alcohol to kill a preschooler (sorry not sorry). The catch? You can’t just dump Everclear in a cooler, add some Hawaiian punch, and call it a day—I see you, college kids. There needs to be an element of fun AND class when you’re creating a group cocktail. Also, if you can incorporate herbs, fruit, AND alcohol, you’re fucking winning.
Of course, wine is fine and tequila makes us literally crazy, but, how about a more super summery FUN cocktail? We’ve taken that shit literally and have given you a riff on lemonade—now with alcohol. Be safe, kids.
- 2 cups of vodka — we used organic Purus vodka because, like, we love the environment and organic stuff makes us feel cool
- 6 tbsps honey or agave nectar
- 3/4 cup fresh lemon juice
- 1/2 cup of muddled fresh ginger
- 1 cup mint leaves
- 8 lemon slices
Stir honey and 6 tbsps of hot water in a large pitcher until honey is dissolved. Stir in the vodka, lemon juice, and muddled ginger. Add about 2 cups of ice (depending on the size of your pitcher) and the mint leaves. Cover and refrigerate until chilled. Pour into glasses filled with ice; garnish with lemon slices and serve.
Before the Grammys even happened on Sunday, most people had done the math and realized the main storyline would be Beyoncé vs. Adele. They were both up for all the big awards, and they’re obviously both huge fucking stars and queens and magical unicorn women.
Both of their performances ended up as some of the most talked about, but for different reasons. While singing a tribute to George Michael, Adele had to stop the song and start over because she was out of tune. She said “fuck,” which we kind of love, but also like, get your shit together. You had one job. Whatever. Beyoncé, on the other hand, made news because she literally looked like some kind of pregnant alien goddess while performing a medley of songs from Lemonade, causing viewers everywhere to wonder for the umpteenth time whether she is, in fact, human.
Both of them won smaller awards in individual genre categories, so neither was going home empty-handed, but Beyoncé came up short at the end of the show when Adele won Album of the Year. Knowing the Beyhive would annihilate her if she did literally anything else but dedicate the award to Beyoncé, she used both acceptance speeches to talk about how amazing Bey is. Adele was crying. Bey was crying. We weren’t crying, you were crying!
Obviously Beyoncé deserved to win. This is not an opinion. This is not a bias. This is an indisputable, non-alternative fact.
Years from now, there will be a few moments that will stand out in history—moments you’ll always remember precisely where you were and what you were doing when they happened. When Michael Jackson died. When Barack Obama won the presidential election. When Beyoncé released Lemonade.
Not content to shock us all with a surprise album, Beyoncé came out of the woodwork and did what no one other artist has ever accomplished: an hour-long visual experience that celebrated and empowered black women, forcing us to acknowledge for the first time that Beyoncé is, in fact, a black woman.
In addition to offering racial commentary and opening up about her struggles following Jay Z’s (reported) infidelity, Beyoncé used Lemonade to pose important questions to the world: What’s worse, being jealous or crazy? Who is Becky with the good hair?
In a situation where most would have shut down and shied away from the public, Beyoncé aired it all out for the world to see. It was healing, rather than vindictive. She did it all while bringing black culture to the forefront of pop culture, exposing it to people who would have otherwise pretended it didn’t exist, only to try to take credit for it a few years down the line. She did all that, and then gave us an hour of startlingly beautiful visuals—and many Halloween costume ideas—on top of it.
The irony of Beyoncé losing to a white woman was not lost on anyone in the audience last night. After last year’s #OscarsSoWhite fiasco and the current racial climate in general, you would hope that the Grammys could have been one of the first award shows to get their shit together and serve as an example for the rest of the industry of what a truly unbiased event could be. But once again, a woman of color was shoved into the background when she deserved to shine. And when that woman is Beyoncé, we will not take that lying down. Nobody puts Bey in a corner, not even the Grammys.
It goes without saying that Adele is wildly talented. None of this is a slight on her or 25, an amazing album in its own right and absolute shoe-in any other year. But everyone in attendance knew Beyoncé should have won that award. Beyoncé knew that Beyoncé should have won. Becky, whoever she is, knew that Beyoncé should have won.
In a moment that easily could have made or broken her career, Adele used her acceptance speech to go full Cady Heron and essentially give her
spring fling crown Grammy to Beyoncé.
You know what they say: when life hands you lemons, make Lemonade and then watch as it gets absolutely snubbed by the Recording Academy. Our thoughts about the entire debacle can be summed up, once again, by Adele.
To Beyoncé, to Adele, and to all the strong women in the music industry and life in general who put up with more shit than they should ever have to:
But no matter who you are, no matter who you wanted to win, just remember that nothing can ever be worse than Taylor Swift winning for 1989 last year.
Related: Adele Went Full Cady Heron: Grammys Recap
The 56th Grammy Awards were held in LA last night, and barring a nuclear attack from North Korea or an act of pure idiocy from Donald Trump, it’s all anyone will be talking about at your office today. Here is the briefest recap possible, in case you’re short on time.
Things The Grammys Did Right:
- James Corden
- Talked shit about Donald Trump
- Sufficient Rihanna reactions shots
- Let Adele perform twice
Things The Grammys Did Wrong:
But before we get into that, let’s do a rundown of the highlights, aka the awards for which the artists you’ve actually heard of were nominated. For the full list of winners, we’ve got you covered here.
Best Music Video: “Formation,” Beyoncé
Put Blue Ivy in a video and then try to tell me it doesn’t deserve every award on God’s green Earth. I dare you.
Best Dance Recording: “Don’t Let Me Down,” The Chainsmokers featuring Daya
That’s right. We live in a world where the Chainsmokers have a Grammy. I am going to be paying off student loans until I die, but the Chainsmokers, artists behind the riveting artistic work that was “selfie” have a fucking Grammy.
Best Urban Contemporary Album: Lemonade, Beyoncé
Beyoncé walked on stage to accept this award still looking like a perfect mixture of the Virgin Mary and an ancient Fertility Goddess and then pulled out a gilded card to read her speech off of. We get it, Bey. We get it. Also, please continue to dress your daughter in pink tuxes for the rest of her life.
Best Rock Song: “Blackstar,” Davie Bowie
Seeing as how David Bowie is currently flying around the galaxy and laughing at us mere mortals, The Chainsmokers and Katherine McPhee (who, I am just learning, is still alive) accepted this award on his behalf. I’m sure that’s totally who he would have picked for the occasion, given the opportunity.
Best Solo Country Performance: “My Church,” Maren Morris
Other than her perfect hair and striking resemblance to Jojo Fletcher, I have nothing to say about this girl.
Best Pop Duo/Group Performance: “Stressed Out,” Twenty One Pilots
Literally the only moment all night where anyone was rooting for The Chainsmokers. Twenty One Pilots took off their pants to accept this award and explained that it was because of an agreement they’d made watching while the Grammy’s three years earlier at home in their underwear.
Cool story. Put your fucking pants back on. There are children in the audience.
Best Rap Song: “Hotline Bling,” Drake
Not even the promise of a Grammy could force Drake into a room with Rihanna and J.Lo at the same time. We don’t even blame him, tbh. But really, WTF else could Drake possibly be doing than attending the Grammys on a night he was nominated for album of the year? Making sure he was home and prepared for his viewing of the season premiere of Girls? Taking advantage of the unusually small line at Sweetgreen given all of Hollywood’s Grammys attendance?
Best Rap Album: Coloring Book, Chance the Rapper
If Kanye rants in the privacy of his own home and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?
Best New Artist: Chance the Rapper
I think that for most people who even barely pay attention to music, Chance has been around long enough to not be considered a “new” artist—but like every other trend white people jump on, it’s three years too late and they end up completely butchering the original meaning. (See: “basic,” “ratchet,” America, etc.)
Song of the Year: “Hello,” Adele
While some may have thought “Formation” had SOTY on lock, I thought this made sense. Much like the 1994 Quidditch World Cup, Beyoncé is supposed to win it all but Adele will catch the snitch.
Record of the Year: “Hello,” Adele
Alright, this still seems fine. Record of the Year and Song of the Year are basically the same award. We’re okay, everyone. No one panic yet.
Album of the Year: … 25, Adele.
We’ll come back to this snub once the Xanax kicks in, but for now let’s discuss the other, less interesting parts of this awards show. In a show that is always about two and half hours longer than it should be, Grammy performances tend to run the gamut from “show stopping” to “wow this is a perfect time to go refill my wine.” This year that spectrum seemed even more severe, with most of the acts falling pretty clearly on one side or the other.
Adele opened the show with “Hello,” rudely forcing everyone else to try and follow her. She is the only person in the world that I am completely content watching stand and sing, with literally no other production effect in place. She doesn’t even have to move. That woman could be lying in a La-Z-Boy singing in her sweats, and I’d still sit spellbound with my face three inches from the TV.
Ed Sheeran reminded us all how truly talented he is by turning his performance into a studio session and recreating every aspect of his song, “Shape of You,” live. He managed to hold my drunk self’s attention with just his voice and a loop pedal. Not bad, Chuckie Finster. Not bad.
Lady Gaga made Metallica relevant again in a highly entertaining performance full of wild pyrotechnics and a lot of hip swinging. Just a reminder that Gaga did the Super Bowl literally one week ago and still managed to kill it. RIP to the sound tech who forgot to turn on James Hetfield’s mic.
Chance the Rapper aka the love of my life continued to sprinkle joy everywhere he goes with his performances of “How Great” and “All We Got” off of Coloring Book, which won for Best Rap Album. BTW, Chance has never sold a single one of his songs for profit and just won a Grammy, so tell that to your Soundcloud rapper boyfriend who keeps saying next year will be “his year.” If you had taken a shot every time Chance thanked God throughout the night, you would have died and gotten to meet Him before you got to see Beyoncé lose album of the year. In hindsight, not the worst idea.
Throughout the night, some performers took their time on screen to make subtle jabs at Trump. Considering Meryl Streep wasn’t scheduled to perform, I’m glad someone else picked up the rest of Hollywood’s slack. But then A Tribe Called Quest took the stage with Busta Rhymes, Consequence, and Anderson .Paak, and if you took that opportunity to refill your glass because Busta Rhymes is the only name in that list you’d heard of before (and that was only because of his guest verse on “Look At Me Now”), you fucked up.
Part tribute to the late Phife Dog, part political rally, Tribe was not out here for subtlety tonight. They made sure their message was loud and clear, and that message was “Fuck Donald Trump.”
Busta Rhymes straight-up called him President Agent Orange on live television. We live in a world where the President of the United States of America is going to try and start a Twitter fight with Busta Rhymes in the morning (I bet my life savings he’ll reference “the inner cities”). I wouldn’t have believed that sentence three years ago and now it’s the least ridiculous thing that I’ll hear all day.
But they didn’t stop there! After backup dancers knocked down an actual wall on stage, Busta Rhymes went on to address Donald Trump’s Muslim ban while Tribe aptly segued into their song “We the People.” They invited immigrants onto the stage before ending the performance with a chant of “Resist!” It was every conservative white man’s nightmare, meaning it was everything.
Adele made her second appearance on the performance stage for a tribute to George Michael with his song “Fastlove.” After what some have deemed a rocky start but still sounded like solid perfection to me, Adele stopped the music and asked if she could start over because George deserved to have it done right. It wasn’t the last time she would make us all cry that night.
Last, but most certainly not least, Beyoncé. Where do I even fucking start.
Considering the nomination for Lemonade (a visual album), and her pregnancy announcement photos (a visual masterpiece that is probably being hung in the Louvre as I type this), we all knew that her performance would be the absolute Most™ in the way that only Beyoncé can be.
And yet, nothing—nothing—could have prepared me to watch as a five month pregnant Beyoncé Knowles recreated the fucking last supper, comprised solely of black women, on live television. Beyoncé is out here, in Trump’s America, reminding us all that she is quite literally God. Extra? Absolutely. But as we all learned later on in the show, it’s a reminder that was oh so needed. For the first time in my life, but not the last time last night, I was truly speechless—and it’s not just because Beyoncé, five months pregnant with twins, is more beautiful than I can ever hope to be.
James Corden deserves a shout-out for being one of the few award show hosts that managed to pull off funny without coming across hokey or contrived. Golden Globes, take some notes. All of his bits throughout the night were brief, but they did their job. They made us laugh, humanized the absolutely inhuman people in that auditorium, and broke up the monotonous string of country performances that everyone politely pretended to enjoy. Bring him back every year, but only if he continues to dress like the fifth member of DNCE.
P.S. not sure what the guy next to James’ aesthetic is about. Is he a walking PSA for the dangers of electrocution?
Award for Grammy MVP goes to Rihanna and her flask, for being the single most relatable couple at the show. The most valuable camera man in the industry is the one who knows to cut to Rihanna at just the right moment, aka any time she’s calling for more shots or rolling her eyes at people. Never change, Rih. You are our sun and stars.
Me, when my friend starts drunk crying because Kyle hasn’t texted her back:
I think it’s time for another shot pic.twitter.com/m8x1WTNJ9V
— not pinkett smith (@Iilspice) February 13, 2017
Me, when my ex said he’ll find someone better than me:
Rihanna laughing at Bruno Mars is the best thing ever #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/XdrYY7QBW9
— Mashable (@mashable) February 13, 2017
Me, spending this Valentine’s Day single and alone:
Rihanna’s having a great time #GRAMMYs pic.twitter.com/1Ox3w7VKns
— Mashable (@mashable) February 13, 2017
Ok, back to the face-off of the decade: Beyoncé vs. Adele. It goes without saying that Beyoncé should have won. That is an objective fact, BTW.
Lemonade, in no uncertain terms, stopped the world when it dropped. It was one of the single most culturally significant moments of 2016. My grandmother called me and asked me if I’d heard that Jay Z had cheated on Beyoncé, and she didn’t even call me when my own boyfriend cheated on me. That’s how far reaching this shit was.
Beyoncé bared her soul in Lemonade in a way that she never had before. She put it all out there for the world: her pain, her embarrassment, her struggle, her ability to manipulate Jay Z into going down on her by promising to take him to Red Lobster.
Adele used her acceptance speech to go full Cady Heron and essentially give her spring fling crown Grammy to Beyoncé.
Actual footage of Adele’s acceptance speech:
Adele cried. Beyoncé cried. We all cried. Rihanna hopefully finished her flask. James Corden wrapped that shit up before anyone had time to react. Before we knew it, the Grammy’s were over and we were all left wondering what the hell had just happened.
We obviously have a lot of feelings about Adele beating out Beyoncé, which you can read here.
For the full list of winners, check out our complete list here.