There are few people that abuse Facetune more than the Real Housewives of literally anywhere. Of course, the Kardashian/Jenners are the world’s worst offenders by far. But Housewives come in a close second. With all the fame and money, many of them are no strangers to surgically altering their appearance. But apparently, that isn’t good enough for them, so they take to using apps like Facetune to blur out every last little line and give themselves entirely new features and a scary cinched waist. I really could do this post with every single Housewife—I can’t even think of one that doesn’t use Facetune. But because I don’t have that kind of time, here is a selection of some of the worst offenders. This is your friendly reminder that what you see online is not reality.
Oh, Teresa. Teresa has been through some sh*t these past few years, and I applaud her strength and the way she’s kept it together for her four kids. Teresa has aged so well, you would never even guess she’s been to prison and endured such an unbelievable amount of stress. That said, even though I hardly see a single line on her face, Teresa takes it upon herself edit her photos by airbrushing her skin completely, painting her face a single shade of beige, making her eyes larger, moving up her hairline, and basically cutting off her entire nose. I’ve said it many times, but your facial features are what make your face your face. You can’t just get rid of your whole nose and think this is what you look like! Stop it, all of you! Also, there seems to be some v strange skin warping from the poor editing. No idea what’s happened there.
Ramona Singer really is basically ageless, she looks absolutely incredible. But this one really made me laugh. I mean, WHO IS THAT in her Instagram version? It doesn’t even look like her! I would have no idea who that is a picture of! It’s like a time warp of what Ramona probably looked like in the 80s! But no, she posted that as a recent photo. If you can’t tell what was done, Ramona erased every single line on her face, shrunk/completely changed her nose, enlarged her eyes and brows, and airbrushed herself beige. Why is it always beige?
I recently watched all of The Real Housewives Of Dallas, and can I just say, I CANNOT listen to LeeAnne talk about her inner child for one more second. I mean, enough, woman! Thankfully that chapter of Dallas is over, because LeeAnne decided to be a piece of sh*t and be racist. Let’s hope she’s learned something. That said, I’m surprised she doesn’t edit her photos more, but it seems like all she really uses Facetune for is to take the MS Paint bucket and color fill BEIGE all over her face. Seriously, have you ever seen a face so matte? It’s like a cartoon. This color must be the foundation default for Facetune because I don’t get it.
NeNe Leakes stars in this article series very, very often, and with good reason. I MEAN, look at her. Who IS this person she edits herself into? And for the love of God, why is she also beige?! NeNe regularly removes her nose, enlarges her eyes, makes her head larger, erases all skin tone and every line and pore, and narrows her face. At this point, should we just call this The Housewife Special?
When I found the real photo of Kyle, I was like, “Hang on, how old is she?” Kyle looks absolutely amazing. She has literally zero reason to use Facetune. Her skin is totally perfect and she has minimal lines. But then I went to her Instagram and found a Facetuned job. I actually had trouble lining up these photos, because as you can see, Kyle has almost zero nose in her own edit. I’m not sure why she thinks filtering herself orange, making her eyes like an anime doll’s, erasing half her nose, and airbrushing every single line is attractive, but I can tell you Kyle, you don’t need it! But hey, at least she’s more orange than beige? That’s new and different.
Because the beige thing is so ridiculous, I actually decided to swatch each of their skintones for you. Behold, the colors of our Real Housewives:
Guys, seriously, stop MSPaint Bucket-ing yourselves beige and accept that you have a nose. I mean, honestly. People are going to look back on this photos and be like, “What the F*CK were these people thinking?!”
Images: Rodin Eckenroth/Getty Images; Johnny Nunez/WireImage via Getty Images; Michael Ostuni/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images; Charles Sykes/Bravo (2); @teresagiudice; @ramonasinger, @leeannelocken, @neneleakes, @kylerichards18 / Instagram
If you’re a fan of trashy reality TV, you’re probably already very familiar with the Real Housewives shows. But while the housewives of New York City, Beverly Hills, and Atlanta have been bringing the drama for the last decade, you might be sleeping on one very important group of rich women: The Real Housewives of Dallas. The third season premieres tonight, and if last season is any indication, it’s not to be missed. Here’s everything you need to know about the most underrated Real Housewives franchise, so you can jump right in for season 3.
LeeAnne Locken: LeeAnne is the breakout star of the show, mostly because she’s completely insane. Her favorite thing is casually making death threats to her fellow cast members, then acting like everyone else is just being dramatic. She’s not rich but still spends her time organizing charity events instead of having a job. Idk how that works, but I love everything about her.
Brandi Redmond: Brandi is a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader who really just loves making poop jokes. She and LeeAnne are total frenemies, which is perfect because they’re basically the two stars. Brandi seems sweet, but she can also be more manipulative than Lisa Vanderpump.
Steph Hollman: Steph is honestly so cute and I just want the best for her. Steph is Brandi’s longtime best friend, and she also hates LeeAnne. Her main storyline this season will probably be renovating the ridiculous house her husband bought without telling her. So like, cool.
Cary Deuber: Cary’s husband Mark is a creepy plastic surgeon who’s on the show almost as much as she is. The Deubers love stirring the pot and then acting completely innocent, which makes them perfect Bravo cast members. Last season, LeeAnne spread rumors that Mark is gay, and Brandi spread rumors that Cary was Mark’s nanny and that he slept with her while he was married to another woman.
Kameron Westcott: Kameron was new in season 2 and she spent most of the season creating her line of pink dog food and acting offended by a dildo that Brandi brought on their Mexico trip as a prank. Kam looks like a Barbie doll and loves claiming she’s better than other people (read: Brandi) because they don’t live in the same bougie zip code as her.
D’Andra Simmons: D’Andra was the other season 2 addition, and I love her. She runs the skin care company that her mom founded, and she revealed in the season 2 reunion that she has TWO TRUST FUNDS. Pardon me while I rage text my parents about my lack of even one trust fund. D’Andra has been besties with LeeAnne for years, but she gets sick of LeeAnne’s constant batsh*t behavior.
The first two seasons are pretty short and all the episodes are on-demand if you want to catch up. Let’s go over some of the most important moments. In season 1, the show focused on the Dallas charity scene, and LeeAnne claimed Brandi and Steph were too trashy to be at the events. Case in point: Brandi showed up to a hat show wearing a hat with grass and fake dog poop on it. LeeAnne was not amused. Later, on a trip to Brandi and Steph’s lake house, LeeAnne threatened to “gut” supporting cast member Marie. Thus begins the history of LeeAnne Locken’s death threats.
Season 2 ditched the charity stuff and ratcheted up the drama. BFFs Brandi and Steph were feuding at the beginning, and Brandi became close with LeeAnne instead. Steph and Brandi quickly patched things up, which LeeAnne was not happy about. LeeAnne also decided she hates Cary, which led to one of the best Housewives moments ever. When Brandi drove LeeAnne to her boob job (I love this show), LeeAnne unloaded on Cary behind a closed door. We got to listen as LeeAnne said that ” husband gets his d*ck sucked at The Round-Up,” and that she doesn’t have knives in her hands but “they’re just hands, and they work quite well.” It was very confusing, but the gist was that she was threatening to strangle Cary. Cute! Later in the season, there was an instantly iconic trip to Mexico that involved Brandi chasing Kameron down the beach with a dildo that LeeAnne nicknamed “sexual chocolate.”
Seriously, the season 2 drama was so good, I was basically on the edge of my seat for every episode.
The New Season
Season 3 features the same cast as last season, which is a great thing. There’s not a single weak link here and the trailer looks jam-packed with drama. It looks like there will be some major tension between LeeAnne and D’Andra, and it also looks like LeeAnne and Brandi will continue to scream at each other about who knows what. Oh, and we also get a glimpse of fights between Cary and LeeAnne, as well as Kameron and D’Andra. God bless these messy women. The trailer also features another instant classic rant from LeeAnne:
On Monday, Bravo finally released the new taglines for this season, and there are a few standouts right off the bat.
Brandi: This isn’t my first rodeo, so I’m not taking your bull.
This is an obvious reference to LeeAnne’s tagline from last year about how she’s “no bull and all horns.” If this means that we’ll get to see a massive showdown between Brandi and LeeAnne, I’m incredibly here for it.
LeeAnne: You don’t mess with Texas, and you don’t mess with me.
Ugh, iconic. Look at LeeAnne comparing herself to the entire state of Texas. She’s completely delusional, which is the best character trait for a reality TV star.
Kameron: I have heels that are higher than your standards.
Well, Kameron won. Seriously, how have I not already used this as an Instagram caption?
Long story short, you need to be watching Real Housewives of Dallas. You’ll thank me later.
Images: Giphy (4)