As I watched The Bachelorette
this morning while I was pretending to be too sick to go into work last night, one thing kept popping up in my head over and over: Lee is a snake. You know who is also a snake? Taylor Swift. And then it dawned on me: these two would low-key be perfect for each other. Taylor is supposedly dating some unknown British actor who still lives with his parents, which really means she’s pretending to be taken until someone better (read: more famous) comes along to see for themselves if the rumors are true sweep her off her feet. Because I have basically made a career out of hating Taylor Swift, and because I also hate people who are blatantly, unapologetically racist, I’m going to elaborate on why these two need to get together ASAP.
1. They’re Both Snakes
I know I said that in the first paragraph, but it bears repeating. Taylor Swift is an established snake (there are probably still Kimye fans out there commenting snake emojis under Taylor’s Instagrams as we speak), while if I had taken a shot for every time this episode Kenny called Lee a snake, I would have probably set a record for the first daytime hospital admittance for alcohol poisoning. But let’s look at the receipts, shall we? We all remember the Snapchat Heard Round The World of 2016, wherein Kim posted a snipped of an alleged phone call between Taylor and Kanye over the “Famous” lyrics. Lee, meanwhile, is still provoking Kenny and even went so far as to make up a ridiculous lie about Kenny trying to physically drag him out of a van, when we can assume that didn’t happen because ABC would never pass up a chance for ratings. So yeah, they’re both people who will go to extreme measures to look like victims. Another interesting element: the targets of both their lies have been black men. Now, that could just be a coincidence seeing as Lee is a certified racist while Taylor is simply delusionally committed to playing the victim at all costs. Then again, she has a high-powered team of
enablers publicists behind her who could have been all too willing to exploit the centuries-old stereotype that black men are out to get white women, and she certainly wouldn’t be the first white woman to try to accuse a black man of something he didn’t do just to try to save her own reputation…. *removes tinfoil hat*
2. They’re Both Singer-Songwriters
Another obvious one, but again, it needs to be pointed out. Taylor and Lee both lived in Nashville, so I’m sure they’d have lots to talk about beyond what most of us know about Nashville aka what we saw in that one episode of Master of None. They are also both singer-songwriters, which is kind of a given when you live in Nashville, but it serves as another reason why they’re meant to be together. They could spend their days critiquing each other’s music and writing passive-aggressive diss tracks every time they get in a fight. They would also mutually benefit off of each other’s fame—Lee is currently more well-known than Taylor’s random British boyfriend, so Tay Tay could leverage his moment in the spotlight. Meanwhile, Lee will only be famous for about another week or so; therefore, he needs the continued
media shit storm publicity that only being linked to Taylor can provide.
3. They’re Both Successful At Dating Despite Being The Worst
Sure, I know that “coming across as manipulative and kinda crazy through your music” and “genuinely thinking the KKK and the NAACP are analagous organizations” are not quite on the same level of evil, but hear me out. Taylor, despite being a proven crazy ex-girlfriend who will spare no cost when it comes to making her ex look bad (just want Calvin to know he’s still got hitters out here), still manages to get all kinds of famous boyfriends. (Meanwhile I’ve never even tried to take credit for any of my ex’s accomplishments and I can’t even get a text back. Go figure.) Lee, on the other hand, is STILL ON THE BACHELORETTE (as of press time) despite being exposed as the human equivalent of gas station sushi. All the guys know Lee is terrible—even sweet, sweet Dean. All of the American public knows that Taylor is vindictive and petty. AND YET THEY STILL GET DATES. I would ask what their secret is, but I’m pretty sure Lee is just on here for the ratings and Taylor Swift is actively paying people to date her at this point.
4. They Both Thrive On Manipulation
Lee has come out and said to the camera that he enjoys picking fights and making people angry so he can sit back and laugh. HE LITERALLY SAID THAT. It is also fairly obvious that manipulation is the sole reason Taylor Swift continues to get out of bed in the morning, as evidenced by the fact that she started a feud, kept it going for over six years, and then when she got in a little bit of hot water, claimed “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of, since 2009.” Also evidenced by the fact that she started a feud over “backup dancers,” announced she’d put her music on Spotify the very day Katy Perry’s album came out, plus literally everything she does… A relationship between these two would be incredible. Like, what do you think would happen if Lee left the toilet seat up? Taylor would probably Tweet out his real phone number. As revenge, Lee would probs live stream all of Taylor’s temper tantrums while he spoke to her in that eerie fake calm voice of his. I have never hated an idea so much, and yet at the same time been so desperate for it to come to fruition.
5. If They’re Both Dating Each Other, They Can’t Be Dating Other People
I mean, I guess they could be if they decided to enter into a non-monogamous relationship, but given that Taylor Swift hasn’t been spotted in anything other than a crop top and matching skirt since approximately 2015 (respect), I can’t exactly see her agreeing to a nontraditional relationship setup. These two need to date if for no other reason than if they date each other then both these trash bags are off the market. Which would really be a humanitarian effort if you ask me. One less Lee in the world means one less Rachel Lindsay whose time is being wasted by a guy who probably doesn’t even view her as his equal, let alone his future wife. And without Taylor Swift around to ruin the Calvin Harrises of the world, can you imagine how many more summer bangers we’d have? If I were able to set this up for real I’d probably get a Nobel Peace Prize, honestly.
And if you’re wondering why I hate Taylor so much, it’s because she personally murdered my puppy and is the reason my dad abandoned our family. JK, I just think she sucks. Do I need a “real” reason?