Itinerary For Our Fun Hamptons Weekend—As Long As Nobody Deviates From This Plan Whatsoever

From: [email protected] 

Subject Line: Last Bash of Hot Vax Summer!!!


After months of planning, the Labor Day share house is THIS weekend, and I don’t want to hear any last-minute excuses!! I’ve checked accuweather, and there is NO hurricane threat, and I saw half of you posting from the Kygo concert last weekend. If you’re anxious about the Delta variant because of the news about booster shots, lmk because my doctor on the UES will hook you up… with some Xanax so you can chill the fuck out.

We have eight rooms and 18 people confirmed which may sound like a nightmare even pre-covid, but it’s the Hamptons. It’s going to be chaotic but FUN! 

Also, as Stacy is struggling with debilitating depression after yet another breakup (Steve was not worthy, Stace) — this is for YOU. Thanks for venmo’ing me the deposit! Still waiting on some people, so if you haven’t sent me your share yet, please do so ASAP!


Friday: Leave the city. 

Troy, my FIANCÉ (not on copy as we are now one unit) (have you seen the ring yet?? Pics attached here for your convenience) booked us a Blade. Please reserve your concerns about the environmental impact for someone who gives a fuck; if you’re so worried, then take the LIRR. 

Abby, I know you’re still dating artists, but if your plus-one can’t afford to split the group dinners, leave him at home. We’ll find you a guy who can afford to shop at Whole Foods. (We will make an exception if he can pay with other, non-monetary contributions…)

7pm: Dinner at Surf Lodge and then stay until whenever. Not to be tacky, but is everyone ok splitting the bribe? These reservations were impossible.

Saturday: Sleep in! 

But for those who are interested…

10am: SoulCycle, duh! My drug of choice is endorphins (but please don’t forget the chocolates for Sat night, Abby!) I’ve taken the liberty of pre-registering all of you, and there’s a $40 fee if you cancel. Bring your own water.

12:30pm: Daybed at Gurney’s. Was gonna do brunch at Morty’s but last week Troy took me to lunch there and we saw Scott Disick and his latest teenage girlfriend. Felt old. Lost my appetite. 

3-4:30pm: Nap time. That’s not a suggested timeframe, btw, so set your alarms.

4:30pm-6:30pm: Get ready for…

7:00pm: Dinner at Showfish, followed by…

Night out at either: Sloppy Tuna, Liar’s, Memory Motel or Talkhouse — can’t decide, I’m such a Libra. (Before anyone comments, yes I know my birthday is in March but I’m a Libra rising.) This feels like a good time to mention if you haven’t started saving up for those Uber surcharges… consider taking out an additional line of credit.

Sunday: Pool Party at the House

Sleep in, for real this time! Except

9:30am: I booked my favorite Barry’s trainer to come to the house and do a private class for those who are interested! Nothing crazy, mostly strength training so it’s definitely doable after a night out. Let me know if you’re out but I gave him a prospective head count of 18.

11:30am-6pm: Rosé all day. Stacy, pace yourself. 

6pm: Pre-game cocktails at 6pm. 

8pm: Dinner prepared by the private chef Troy doesn’t know I used to hook up with for free gourmet meals. (Again, not on copy and need I remind you that forwarding this chain is a violation and you will be hearing from my family attorney)

I’m wearing a white linen Veronica Beard suit with a Pucci bikini underneath and silver Staud sandals. Don’t any of you dare so much as bring a white blazer. Kidding! We can totally share!

I suggest dressing cute, esp if you’re single. As my mom would probably say if she understood social media platforms, TikTok is not just an app, it’s your biological clock. 

Let me know what you’re wearing for the pool house party! It goes without saying that there are no flip-flops allowed. That goes double for the men. 


Image: Aleksandra Jankovic / Stocksy

Alison Wonderland Is The Badass Female DJ You Need To Know About

Looking at her Instagram, you might think Alison Wonderland is a Gen-Z influencer and not a veteran DJ who’s played festivals like Coachella (where she is the highest-billed female DJ in the festival’s history) and Electric Zoo, where she’s headlining Sunday night. With her ever-changing hair (that seems to be hovering around lavender right now), signature oversize T-shirts, and blasé expression, she seems to have that cool girl DGAF vibe. And with a Facebook bio that simply reads “I spin at places you want to hang out at, making you shake your ass like Beyoncé on crack” and a link to her new single “Church”; a pretty bare-bones website that simply lists tour dates, Instagram photos, and reads “F*ck me up on a spiritual level”; it’s easy to surmise that she doesn’t actually give a f*ck.


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when mercury is in gatorade

A post shared by Alison Wonderland (@alisonwonderland) on

That assumption could not be further from the truth, though. The classical cellist-turned-celebrated DJ won the 2018 Billboard Dance Breakout Artist Award, and her sophomore album debuted at number 1 on the Billboard Dance/Electronic charts. Wonderland has sold out two dates at the iconic Red Rocks Amphitheater—she’s one of just two Australian artists to accomplish that—and recently released a new club track, “TIME”, with New Zealand electronic/trap artist, Quix. That comes on the heels of her acoustic remix of “Peace”, which features her vocals. And her album, Awake, has racked up over 150 million Spotify streams since its April 2018 release. In short, none of these accomplishments are those of someone who does not care. 

In fact, for someone who just appears to be so effortlessly cool, she gives a lot of f*cks. Back in June, she posted on her Instagram a declaration that she’ll be playing 90% of her own music at festivals from now on. That should be a no-brainer, but in today’s festival scene, where people just go to hear remixes of the same five songs, such an assertion was nerve-wracking for Alison.


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No disrespect to old town rd just using it as an example. Love u all. See u at the next show

A post shared by Alison Wonderland (@alisonwonderland) on

I was really nervous to post that, but I didn’t want to let fear get in the way again,” she told Betches. The gamble ended up paying off in the end, though, because as she says, “It was one of the best things I have done. I feel it has been so positively received and I have gotten so much support for it. It has genuinely taken me to a new level as an artist.”

In addition to being well-known for her music, Alison often shares her struggles with mental health with her fans and speaks about the importance of mental health awareness. In fact, just last week she made the difficult decision to cancel some of her European tour dates due to “mental and physical exhaustion.”

im sorry to anyone coming to my shows this weekend in Europe. Please read

— ALISON WONDERLAND (@awonderland) August 21, 2019

But Alison is poised for a triumphant return to the festival scene, telling Betches, “I’m excited for that New York energy!” at Electric Zoo this Labor Day weekend on Randall’s Island. She has a lot of upcoming projects in the works, but tells us coyly, “I don’t want to ruin the surprise but there is a lot.”

While we’ll have to wait to find out what else she’s up to, for now you can listen to Awake and check out this Labor Day playlist Alison made just for Betches readers.

Images: Gilbert Sanchez; alisonwonderland / Instagram (2); awonderland / Twitter