Dating is a massive part of the college experience, but all cards come off the table and excuses start flying when long distance is mentioned. The key to long-distance dating is as simple as this: if they wanted to, they would, and when you want something to work, you’ll make it work. Mary Mary said, “nobody told them the road WOULD be easy”. I’ve been in a relationship for nearly four years, and two of those years have been long-distance. I’m here to tell you the road won’t be easy. However, the road can be enjoyable and spontaneous—if you do long-distance right. When you think about it, being in a distant relationship is just like being in any regular relationship but with the perks of having space. And if I’m being honest, your partner can cheat whether they are three or 300 miles away, so that excuse is dead.
Most long-distance relationships, in general, suffer from communication issues. We’re going to skip the “communication is essential” lecture; everyone knows that much, and we’ve heard it all before. You and your partner should discuss your boundaries and your likes and dislikes. In my first semester of college, my partner and I suffered from establishing our boundaries with friends of the opposite sex, which caused a lot of unnecessary disagreements. When we finally established our comfort level and boundaries with opposite-sex friends, the issue never arose again. It really is that simple. Whatever your boundary may be, it needs to be communicated with your partner. After all, ladies, men are not mind readers. And not to burst any bubbles, men, you all are horrible communicators through the phone and in real life.
Along with communication comes syncing schedules. Communicating is not only about expressing feelings and solving problems; communication is also simply speaking. If you want your relationship to work, you have to make time for your partner, especially when you aren’t granted the luxury of physically being with them. I mapped out my whole schedule for my partner. He knew exactly where I would be and at what times, and it helped get our schedules in sync. Whenever we both had free time, we would FaceTime, catch up, have dates, etc. Sharing your schedule with your partner also gives them peace of mind because they know what you are doing.
I mentioned that my boyfriend and I would go on dates; creativity adds spice to your relationship. There’s a computer app called Teleparty that we use to have movie dates. It allows you to watch Netflix movies with your partner and use the chat box to chat. When one person pauses the show, the other’s gets paused as well. We pop popcorn and have a grand ole time. Order the same food, get dressed up, and have a dinner date via FaceTime to take things even further. Doing these things is absolutely obnoxious, but that’s what keeps your relationship fun and spontaneous.
Although you may not see your partner every day, make use of your holiday breaks. If possible, take turns traveling to see one another over these breaks. When you visit, be sure to spend a significant amount of quality time with one another to make up for the time lost. As someone whose love language is physical touch, I appreciate and enjoy every second I get to spend spooning, cuddling, and… read between the lines. Distance increases anticipation and appreciation; every moment spent with your partner feels like falling in love all over again.
I know, I dropped some gems, but ask yourself, doesn’t everything I just mentioned apply to regular relationships as well? There you go, there’s your answer. The same rules that apply to a long-distance relationship apply to a regular one; therefore, long-distance being hard is a myth.
Images: Natasha Hall / Unsplash; Giphy (2)
Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want. He won’t text or call and will sleep with other people, but it’s the sentiment that counts. Send your questions about relationships (or anything, really) to [email protected], and follow him on twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
Dear Head Pro,
I met this guy about 4 years ago in college and we made out a few times then I faded it out slowly because I was on and off with my ex. A few weeks later, he’s dating this girl I kind of know. Fast forward 4 years and they broke up. The thing is, I live in Chicago and he lives in LA. I visit LA a lot for work and we have a lot of mutual friends who live there.
We met up (through him making the effort) a few months ago and spent basically the whole time I was there together (4 days). I slept over every night, he was incredibly sweet and bought my friends all drinks the entire time, and he wanted to get dinner but I was busy each day because of work. He kept saying how much he liked me, but when I left there was virtually no communication besides a random Snapchat here or there. I went back for another work trip recently (a few months later) but was able to stay through the weekend this time. We hung out again the whole time and he did take me to dinner once. He continued to say how much he liked me and a few times was like “we should go to this place sometime” and make those sort of in the future plans. He continued to want to know details about my life and seem super interested.
After I left all communication ceased again and he didn’t make any effort to even ask when I’d be back for work. Was the whole liking me thing mostly bullshit and he was just looking for a fun weekend if it was convenient? I’m assuming yes but thought I’d get a second opinion so I can stop thinking about it for good.
Thanks!
So, fortunately (or unfortunately?) for you, this doesn’t sound to me like a smash-n-dash job—he’s putting in too much effort and seems to be having too good a time for it to be that. Frustratingly enough, I think instead you’re dealing with a guy who genuinely likes you, but who also understands the dead-end nature of LDRs. He’s enjoying life as it comes but not bothering to get too invested outside of that. Many people are saying that this man is very smart!
Is this good or bad? Depends on how you look at it. On the one hand, being liked is a nice thing! It’s like, at least twice as good as being unliked, not that I would know because literally no one has ever disliked me. It’s also maybe comforting, in a way, to know that you’re probably more to him than just a sausage wallet.
Then again, if you’re super into him and were only pretending to want him to be over it so that you could dismiss him and move on, sorry? Unrequited love is kind of shitty, but not any shittier than willfully living in Chicago, so I think you can handle it.
Head Pro,
I need help. (Obviously). My boyfriend and I have been dating over two years. We lived together for a few months early on in the relationship, which didn’t end well. I ended up cheating and wanted to break things off.. which I proceeded to do, and I moved out of our house. After a few months we got back together and he never wanted to give up on our relationship.. during the break I did hang out with other guys, and I think if he knew this it would crush him.. I can’t decide if I was just bored because he travels so much or if he really just isn’t the one for me OR maybe I have commitment issues. He talks about marriage a lot (as he is 5 years older). He is even willing to follow me if I plant roots somewhere else. I know the that popping the question is hiding around some corner that I will cross paths with very soon. HELP.
Sincerely,
Am I the boy in the relationship? HAHA
HAHA boys, we be cheatin’ amirite?!? There’s a lot to unpack in this (mercifully short) email, but I think the important thing is that your boyfriend is a giant choad and I’m not really surprised you cheated on him. I’m also not surprised that despite cheating on him, moving out, dumping him and fucking around for a few months, he still came crawling back to you. I just made homemade chicken stock, and the poor dead bird had more of a spine than your perpetually self-owning boyfriend. The fact that he’s 5 years older than you shouldn’t matter, but it definitely feels like it does. You must be able to do some crazy shit with your tongue and/or make a damn fine chicken stock.
Anyway, I guess you have to ask yourself if you went back to him 1) because you felt in your heart it was the right thing to do, 2) because all of a sudden being single feels like skydiving without a parachute or 3) because it was easier to just give in and get back with him. I have a feeling the answer is a lot closer to 2 or 3 than 1; in which case, strongly consider backing out now before you move back in together and/or he pops the question.
But if it’s 1, enjoy your nuptials, and I guess also enjoy getting caught fucking his best man in the hotel kitchen walk-in at your reception. Trust me, subsequent betrayals never hurt as badly as the first one. He’ll be fine, and may even apologize to you, somehow.
Hi Help!
I’ve been talking to this guy every day since we met about 3 months ago through a mutual friend. The only problem is that he lives in New Jersey and I live in Boston. We see each other as much as we can. It has been hard with weddings/vacations we had planned before we met but he’ll even drive up during the week for the night when he can just to spend a few hours together.
I really like him and I think he likes me too (I have met his family and friends) the only problem is obviously the distance and the fact that we haven’t really talked about what we are doing. I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else and I don’t want to. Just not sure how to broach the subject / why he hasn’t.
Thanks!
Long Distance Disaster?
Well shit, this again. See the response to the first question: he’s not broaching the subject because there is no realistic way for a LDR to end in anything but pain. You’re not high schoolers trying to weather the long summer apart at different sleepaway camps, you’re adults with adult lives and there’s barely enough time to make a regular relationship work, let alone a LD one. He’d be crazy to say “hey, I know we rarely talk and see each other even less often, but I’d like to exclusively commit myself to being your boyfriend.” Christ, he could just join a seminary if that’s the route he wanted to take.
Unlike the first letter writer, there’s another, more pernicious motivation you have to consider: what if he’s just being nice to you to have any excuse to leave the state of New Jersey? Really makes you think…
Head Pro will pretend to date you long distance, if you want. He won’t text or call and will sleep with other people, but it’s the sentiment that counts. Send your questions about relationships (or anything, really) to [email protected], and follow him on twitter and Insta at @betchesheadpro.
The Betches discuss the Charlottesville rallies, the Taylor Swift sexual assault case, and Leonardo DiCaprio’s proclivity towards young models. They answer letters from listeners struggling with long distance relationships and a bride who wants to minimize drama at her wedding. They play Would You Rather’s regarding adoption and Shoot Fuck Marry about the Kardashians and Mean Girls.
For the most part, technology is a good thing. I for real don’t know WTF I’d do without DVR or my iPhone. But sometimes the tech world takes shit too far and it gets weird AF. For example, this sex toy company We-Vibe just created an app so someone can control your vibrator remotely. Is it just me or is that the creepiest fucking thing since we found out our almost-president “allegedly” likes getting peed on? Oh wait… That was only yesterday. But still.
So apparently they created this for long distance couples so they can have a more intimate connection when they’re apart than they would during phone sex. The app has video chat and texting so you can communicate during the act so that makes it a little less weird. TBH, I’ve never been in a long distance relationship so I’m not trying to judge, but like, is this really necessary? Also, I feel like I would rather control my vibrator than some dude I only get to have sex with every other month. He doesn’t know WTF I want better than me, thank you very much.
In even creepier news, the company’s global passion ambassador (lol what?) has said people love using it for in-person dates too, so they can get off during dinner or at the movies. Seriously? You’re telling me people around the world are chilling at fucking Olive Garden with a vibrator in their pants? Jesus Christ, that’s not okay. But hey, just keep living your truth. I guess.
