I learned two important lessons from my time analyzing men’s underwear. 1) I’m basically the female version of Tan, and 2) there are way more bad options than good when it comes to covering men’s junk. The situation is no different when we’re looking at bathing suits—*remembers Speedos exist*—actually, it’s worse. Ultimately, scoping out guys at your local beach/pool/YMCA (I don’t judge) isn’t about finding your sartorial soulmate. It’s really about avoiding these common red flags. Read on for what his swimsuit says about him, and the swimsuits that should make you run far, far away.

Swim Briefs

Let’s start with the worst. “Swim briefs” are Speedos, plain and simple. Calling them swim briefs is the equivalent of referring to Q-tips as “cotton swabs.” So even using this term is sufficient reason to excuse yourself to the bathroom and never return. For those lucky souls who have never encountered a Speedo, I’ll paint you a picture. They do bare minimum in the front, and either barely cover his ass or go full thong. In other words, if you hook up with a guy wearing a Speedo, you could plausibly mistake it for your own underwear while trying to get dressed. These are strangely popular among Europeans, so consider yourself warned before meeting your Italian Hinge match at Le Bain.

Square Leg/Square-Cut Shorts

Looks like we’re going least to most coverage here! Square-cut shorts are the bathing suit equivalent of boxer briefs. This cut can be sexy when revealed under pants, but IMO it’s a little aggressive as the sole thing covering your lower half. (*Thinks back to the cheeky Brazilian bikini I just ordered.* Nope, I stand by it.) I feel like Jordan from The Bachelorette definitely wears this kind of bathing suit, to give you a sense of the overall dateability conveyed by this style. It’s the ultimate for guys who want to show off every inch of their bodies without committing fashion suicide. AKA every guy who cracked 1,000 followers on IG and now thinks they’re too good to answer your texts. Not that I’m bitter, we were obvs growing apart anyway. But yeah, guys who wear this swimsuit are likely way more into themselves than they are you. Sorry!

Swim Trunks

Ayyy, we’ve arrived at the only socially acceptable swim suit for men. Feels good. You’ll recognize swim trunks from every time you’ve seen a male go in water without baring their full ass. They’re your basic loose short, completely indistinguishable from actual male shorts to the naked eye. With swim trunks, the main thing you want to look out for is the print they choose. My personal preference is a solid that’s flattering to their skin tone, or a simple print that’s on-theme without being obnoxious. (E.g. *subtle* floral/Hawaiian, nautical, etc. Don’t @ me, I like the tiny sailboat thing.)

If they’re covered in giant flamingos, pineapples, or American flags, they’re frat bros who didn’t have to do anything other than breathe to get laid in college and don’t intend to start now. Give them a few years of getting rejected by women like you and come back to them. Like wine, except instead of wine it’s a 27-year-old man-baby. Anyone who wears plaid swim trunks is a psychopath or in middle school, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Board Shorts

Board shorts are…ok. They’re really just the sloppier, oversized version of swim trunks, often worn by little kids or guys who really don’t care about the fit of their clothes. Acceptable on surfers, for whom these serve a legit practical purpose. In all other scenarios, it’s the sartorial equivalent of what you put on to pick up Gatorade while hungover.

Jammers

First time hearing of jammers? Don’t worry, me too. While I’d hoped this was a term for dressed-up jammies, it’s actually a swimsuit specifically designed for athletic performance. AKA this bitch better be training for the Olympics. Otherwise, he’s just weirdly proud of his thigh girth or trying to hide some kind of rash. Not a risk I’m interested in taking.

There you have it. If you’re looking for a guy to actually date (so old-fashioned, I know), swim trunks only please. If you’re already dating and looking to fine-tune his wardrobe, throw out all his obnoxious prints and board shorts. Everyone else, please feel free to hook up with the Speedo/short short/jammer wearing guys out there and report back. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when all they talk about is their dating app matches, muscle tone, and favorite protein powder. Wow, I’m just describing Jordan. He’ll be missed.

Images: Giphy (5)

As much as we’d all like to be that girl who gets in an hour-long cardio session at 7am when the rest of the world is sleeping, it’s just not gonna happen. In fact, the idea of getting out of bed to do something active while I could be in a deep sleep literally makes me nauseous. We all have those years days that getting to the gym just isn’t in the cards for us, but it would still be nice to cut calories without legit starving ourselves. Here are some ways to burn calories throughout the day without breaking a sweat.

1. Skip Stairs

It might sound ridiculous, but going up the stairs burns a lot more calories that you’d think. I mean, you know the feeling of being winded after climbing the subway steps. That shit is a fucking workout. To make stair climbing even more effective, skip a step like some annoying 13-year-old boy. By skipping steps, you’re activating the glute and quad muscles in your legs, which are the biggest calorie-burning muscles in your body. You might look like an idiot, and someone will definitely see up your dress, but you’re basically replacing your 45-minute spin class. Ok, not really, but it’s better than nothing.

2. Do The Public Restroom Squat

If you don’t usually squat when using a public restroom, we’re not judging, but like, ew. If you’ve ever been to an airport and have held to hold a squat over the toilet while peeing, you know how much it actually burns your legs. It’s a great toning exercise and it actually burns calories. So, just pretend you’re always at an airport and you’ll burn calories every time you go to the bathroom. Your butt will probably get toned AF in the process, so I’d start now.

3. Eat Fiber

Foods with fiber are obviously healthy for you, but it turns out they literally help your body burn calories when you eat them. Foods that are high in fiber burn calories—it’s been scientifically proven—because they are harder for your body to digest. So, when you eat fiber-heavy foods like broccoli, oats, beans, and Brussels sprouts, your body needs to work harder to digest and so it burns calories without making you lift a finger. We’re basically giving you permission to order like, three more vegetable sides.

4. Drink Lemon Water In The Morning

If you’ve ever read an interview with any health guru or health-conscious celebrity, they all claim to start their day the same way: with a glass of lemon water in the morning. While we’d much rather skip straight to our cold brew, lemon water has a ton of benefits that will help your body throughout the day. Drinking water on an empty stomach will help flush out any toxins before you eat, and the polyphenols in lemon can help reduce your appetite, so you’re less likely to refill your bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats three times. Try drinking 8 ounces of lemon water before breakfast and you’ll see why Gwyneth Paltrow swears by it.

5. Engage Your Core

For people who don’t work out, this one might be a little confusing, but once you get the hang of it, it’ll be a game changer for your body. The idea is to engage your core when sitting at your desk, walking home, or just watching TV at night. Just like you have to squeeze your core during planks and sit-ups, engaging your core during everyday activities will help improve your posture, strengthen your abs, and burn calories when you’re not even working out. You’re putting in a little more work than you usually would, but then again you’re not making it to the gym today so stop whining.

6. Drink Coffee

In case you needed another reason to drink a shit ton of coffee before your lunch break, here’s another one: it’ll help speed up your metabolism and make you burn calories. Here’s how it works: the caffeine found in coffee is a central nervous system stimulant, and coffee contains chlorogenic acid, which is a compound that may help slow absorption of carbs. So, when you drink coffee, it makes you less hungry and speeds up your body’s metabolic rate. Basically, order the Venti. Your body deserves it. 

Being lazy is a true art form. It’s probably the only skill on my resume, besides idk, Instagram, that I didn’t lie about, and I legitimately pride myself on the ability to strategically get away with doing the bare minimum on a daily basis. But there are few things in this world that are worse than the combination of being lazy and horny. Don’t get me wrong, being on top and taking charge in the bedroom is sexy and empowering, but only when you’re actually feeling sexy and empowered. The other six and a half days of the week, you’re prob covered in zit cream and chip dust hoping he doesn’t come home with his rocket fully prepared for takeoff. So here are some of the best sex positions to make it look like you actually tried without literally lifting a finger. Oh, and you’re fucking welcome.

1. The Spoon

The spoon is OG lazy lovemaking at its finest. It’s actually the best because you’ve mastered this position every single day of your life from about 10pm to 7am. All you need to do is lay on your side with him behind you. Once he enters you, let your hands do the talking. Reach around and grab hold of his thighs, guide his hands to hold your boobs, or better yet, your clit—the fact that you’re taking control with minimal effort is a win-win. Just try not to fall asleep. Or do. Even better.

2. The Curled Spoon

Refer to above spooning position for proper form, except this time around, you’re both activating full fetal position. I only included this on here because since you’re now hugging your knees into your chest, you’re fully incapable of moving any sort of body part lower than your chest. You’re also pushing, like, full-night’s-sleep-after-a-long-ass-weekend comfort levels. Congratulations.

3. Collapsed Doggy Style

If your favorite yoga position is the one where you’re practically unconscious during the last 10 minutes of class, then this one’s for you. And bonus, it’s even got a yoga-y name, so it’s basically like you’re saving $30. All you need is a pillow. Lie on your stomach and elevate your butt with the pillow, and that’s literally all you have to do besides focusing on staying awake. Plus, this is technically an alternative of doggy style, so do this if he won’t get off your back about his incessant need to fuck you from behind.

4. Bootyful View

This is perfect for when you’re feeling lazy AND bloated from your happy hour/three-year weekend alcohol binge (since his only view will be of your backside), so basically, like any day. Have him sit up on the bed with his legs extended horizontally. Turn around and straddle him (like reverse cowgirl) and extend your legs back so they’re behind him, and your body is between his legs on the bed. Slide up and down while using his legs for leverage. Before you bitch about the logistics going into this position, just think of it as like putting together your Ikea bookshelf. The setup is a fucking nightmare, but you’ll eventually get to enjoy it at the expense of basically nothing. Swearsies.

5. Dirty Dangle

Not to brag, but I’ve mastered this shit when I’m fucked up. Ok, I’m for sure bragging. Basically all you have to do is lay on your back at the foot of the bed. Start out in missionary, and when you’re both close to climaxing (if you’re drunk, then good fucking luck with that), start inching toward the edge of the bed until your head, shoulders and arms are hanging backward off the bed. The blood rush will give you an added sensation once you come back up. But chances are, after a night out, you’re basically already hanging off the bed in some form or another, so.

6. The Spider Web

So I lied—I know I said you won’t have to lift a finger with any of these positions, but for this one you’re gonna have to lift a leg, but it’s better than starfishing like a basic bitch. Just lie on your sides and face each other, so for your sake, I hope he’s at least like, a 7. Intertwine your legs through his, and rather than that jack-hammer thrusting bullshit guys think they can get away with, this sexual web requires circular motions and grinding. Yeah, groundbreaking. As an added sensation, reach back and use your nails to lightly scratch his back. But like, demand the favor be returned. Betches don’t work for free.

7. The Chair Face-Off

The downside of Netflix and Chill is that there’s like no point in watching Netflix, since all you’re thinking about is the potential for peen sitting right next to you. The plus side of the chair face-off is that you can Netflix AND chill without having to rewatch what you acted like you attempted to watch the first time. For starters, you’ll need a chair (fucking duh). Have him sit on the chair while you face him and straddle him. If he has a clue, he’ll put his hands on your hips to guide you while using his hips for an added bounce. You’re guaranteed to reach full satisfaction, but that’s like 95% due to the fact that you’re all caught up on Game of Thrones.

Images: mathilde langevin / Unsplash; Giphy (4)

Summer goes by pretty fast, so you want to spend your time wisely. I mean, on one hand, it’s bikini season and we’re drinking martinis all day, so it’s probably a good idea to like, work out a bit. On the other hand, my poolside lounge chair is the literally the best place in the world and the idea of going on a run makes me want to die right now. That’s why we developed a quick workout routine that you can do on your lounge chair or even from your couch, so you’re like, kind of moving, but you also don’t feel like death. Here’s the workout:

1. Bicycle Crunches

Bicycle crunches are one of the most effective moves for your abs, and they specifically target your obliques, which are those side lines that will look so good when you’re wearing your swimsuit. Lie flat on your back with your hands behind your head and your knees bent inward toward your chest. Try to lift your shoulder blades off the lounge chair to activate your core, and then straighten your right leg out in front of you while bringing your right elbow to your left knee. Alternate legs for 45 seconds and keep your abs engaged the whole time. As we’ve said before, do this shit S-L-O-W-L-Y or else you’re wasting your time.

2. Hip Bridges

This move looks like you’re aimlessly thrusting your pelvis into the air so it might be awkward if other people are around, but it also makes your butt look amazing so it’s worth it. Lie on your back with your legs bent in front of you and your feet on the lounge chair. Then, squeeze your butt and pull your hips into the air, making sure your glutes are fully engaged. Bring your butt down to the bench, and keep going up and down for a minute. Try taking a few seconds at the top to pulse your hips upward for an extra burn. It hurts, but you’ll thank us when your butt looks unreal in your new denim shorts all summer.

3. Scissor Kicks

This is another ab exercise, but instead of targeting the obliques, it hits the middle of your abs, where you want that perfect line that literally looks like you’ve been doing hardcore Pilates for years. Lie on your back with your arms out to the side. You can also hold onto the sides of your lounge chair for more support. With a slight bend in your knees, lift your legs up so that your heels are a few inches off the chair, then lift one leg up and slowly lower it back down without your heel touching the chair. Alternate between right and left for 45 seconds and remember to breathe. Holding your breath makes it harder, not easier.

4. Mountain Climbers

We’ve burned out our abs and ass already, so it’s time for a cardio burst. The point of mountain climbers is to keep your abs and legs working while bringing your heart rate up through a cardio interval. Start with your hands on the lounge chair and your body in a plank position. Then, jog each knee into your chest as fast as you can while keeping your spine and hips as straight as you can. You want to work as hard as you can for about 30 seconds, so you can keep burning calories when you’re doing jack shit the rest of the day. Yay!

5. Shoulder Taps

Shoulder taps work your core and the upper part of your arms, so you’re basically killing two birds with one stone. Start in a plank position with your feet hip width apart. You can bring them closer together to make it harder, but try to keep your hips square the entire time. Lift your left hand off the lounge chair to tap your right shoulder, then bring it back down, and do the same on the other side. Alternate sides for one minute without swaying your hips or lifting your butt too high.

6. Backward Kicks

We’re not gonna make you get up and do lunges or squats, but it wouldn’t be a full body workout without burning out your legs and butt, so let’s do some kicks to get those muscles activated. Start on all fours with your knees on the lounge chair. Then, kick your right leg straight behind you and lift it a few inches higher, pulsing for a few seconds at the top. Bring the leg back down and switch sides, doing the same on the left. Also, make sure you’re not kicking too aggressively. You want to slowly extend the leg and pulse the muscle to feel the burn in your butt.

7. Tricep Dips

For the last move, you’re gonna have to (kind of) leave your lounge chair, but you’re still technically holding on, so it counts. Tricep dips are super effective for toning your arms, so you don’t want to skip this one. Start sitting on the edge of the lounge chair with your hands on the chair behind you, facing forwards. Slide your butt a few inches away from the edge of the chair and extend your legs outwards. Bend your elbows to lower your butt down to the floor until your elbows are at a 90 degree angle, then press down to straighten out your elbows and lift yourself up to the starting position. Keeping dipping up and down for 45 seconds.  

We all know by now that the number one thing you can do in life to fuck up your skin is fail to take off your makeup properly. That and like, not drink so much alcohol, but only one of those options is truly feasible for the average betch’s modern lifestyle. Unfortunately for those of us who usually come home some combination of tired/drunk and are generally lazy, there are a lot of steps to actually taking your makeup off that go way beyond soap and water. Like, apparently Q-Tips should be involved? I’m honestly shocked. Also I continually fail to understand the presence of cucumbers in our beauty regimens. I mean, I don’t hate it, I just don’t understand it. Which is most things in life, I guess.

While we all hope to come home after work and completely remove every trace of dirt from our pores and thoroughly exfoliate our post-workday skin, we all know that this dream is basically bullshit. In reality you will most likely stumble home at the end of the night, splash water on your face, and walk out of the bathroom with the day’s mascara still fully applied to your lashes. 

In order to illustrate this phenomenon, check out Betches Video’s latest “How To Take Off Your Makeup Expectations Vs. Reality” video and be like, “omg this is me.” Subscribe to our Youtube channel for more funny videos just like this one.

We all know that being toned and skinny is major #lifegoals, but getting there can be a real fucking struggle. Like, it’s not being AT the gym or actually walking a few miles that sucks—it’s getting up the energy to do it. Like, why should I get in my car and drive to the gym when this couch is perfectly comfortable? I know you know what I mean. Because we want to be lazy AND hot, we’ve rounded up seven super fucking easy workouts you can LITERALLY do in your bed from Cosmo, Self, and Lifehack.

1. Marching Hip Raises

You’ll look stupid doing it, but your abs, butt, and thighs will thank you. Lie on your back with knees bent, heels near your butt, arms down and palms down. Then lift your hips off the bed keeping your upper body down, forming a line between shoulders and knees. Without extending your leg, squeeze your butt and lift your left foot off the bed and bring your knee over your hip. Repeat on the other side.

2. Planking

The most hated of all exercises can be done in the comfort of your own bed. I feel like you all should know how planks go by now because we talk about them in literally every exercise roundup, but one more time for the people in back. Get into push-up position, balancing on your forearms, then align your elbows under your shoulders. Lift to make a straight line with your body from head to feet. Hold for about 25 seconds, rest, and do it again.

3. Bench Press

No explanation necessary, but yes—you can do some bench presses in bed. Lay in bed and lift small 5lb weights like you would if you were actually one of those roided-out dudes at the gym. Start by holding the weights at your chest with your elbows bent and palms facing out. Then push up, extending your arms straight out in front of you. Return to start and repeat until your arms get tired, or like, three sets of 10 reps.

4. Sit Ups & Crunches

I don’t need to explain how to do a crunch or a sit-up, hopefully. These are super simple and perfect for doing in bed without actually getting up. Win.

5. Russian Twists

Sound easy because it fucking is—until you actually try it. Sit on the bed with your hands holding a pillow (if you’re a weakling) or a weight (if you’re actually legit) in front of your chest. Your knees are bent at like a 45 degree angle, heels are on the mattress, and toes are pointed up. Twist your torso from right to left so that the opposite hand touches the opposite side when you twist. Lift your feet off the bed if you’re really good at this shit.

6. Scissor Legs

This one’s fun cause it doesn’t require your head to move off your pillow. Lie on your back with hands underneath your hips and palms down. Bring your feet straight up in the air and, keeping both legs totally straight, bring down your right leg in a controlled manner. Then bring it back up and repeat with left leg. This will totally tone your abs.

7. Diamond Reverse Crunches

Alright now, this one looks super awkward, but can you really care how you look when you won’t even get out of bed to work out? Lie on you back with arms on your sides palms down. Bring your feet together and open your knees so that you have like, a diamond shape in your legs. Think back to fourth grade gymnastics where you’d bend your legs into a diamond shape and try to stretch so your nose touched your feet and you’ve got the basic form down. Now press your palms into the bed and raise your feet over your hips. From there, lift your hips off the bed and make your feet go straight up toward the ceiling. Then bring your hips back to the bed. Repeat until you can’t feel your abs anymore.

Betches of the Northeast and Midwest, prepare to bitch about the weather like never before (or at least since 2014), because another Polar Vortex is on its way to fuck everything up. In case you were too wrapped up in your own drama to notice the last one, here’s a recap: In January 2014, Mother Nature watched too much Game of Thrones and decided that winter was fucking coming for America. Not just any old winter, but the coldest one since some of us were still fledgling betches on the playground. Needless to say, everyone spent it stuck inside somewhere. The lucky ones were at home with several bottles of wine; the not-so-lucky had to abandon their cars on the side of the road like it was the apocalypse.

Once you wound up somewhere warm and drunk, it was actually pretty fun. Which is nice, because apparently a less intense Polar Vortex is predicted to hit the Midwest and Northeast this week. I say this with utmost admiration: Mother Nature is a frigid bitch.

Obviously, the only way to deal with this is with alcohol and TV. Here are 9 wine/Netflix combinations to get you through the week.