I don’t know about you, but this heat wave is seriously fucking me up. After spending all winter becoming one with my couch, I was really ready for another four months on my couch to get back out there this summer. Instead, I’m finding myself yearning for the days when lying under a blanket didn’t feel like entering a sweat lodge. SO: even though we all get a pass on going outside this week, summer should be your most social season—and dating is no exception. Sunlight makes people happy, happy hours make people drunk, and drunk, happy people have more fun on dates. It’s basic math. Of course, not all summer dates are created equal. So while you’re fielding texts from Hinge matches, keep in mind that many invitations are still worth ignoring. Here’s what these date locations say about your date’s intentions.
Their Local Coffee Shop
In non-summer months, this has potential to be a fine option if you’re on antibiotics. It’s easy to cut short, requires minimal dressing up, and is overall a low-cost alternative to meeting for drinks. And going to the guy’s usual local spot can give you a sense of his overall vibe, though the implication that he’s hoping you’ll go home with him obviously stands.
During the summer though, this invite is all kinds of sus. If they’re trying to meet you at 2pm on a Saturday down the block from their apartment, they likely haven’t left their apartment in six weeks and will be rolling out of bed, wiping Cheeto crumbs off their shirt, and contemplating cancelling five times before they finally walk down the block. Oh, and they’ll probably try to steer the “date” back to their place to continue whatever TV show they were binging within 30 minutes of meeting you. With all the outdoor options and day-drinking venues summer has to offer, if the best they can do is a non-alcoholic beverage in their zip code, they either don’t give a shit about this date at all, have no social life to speak of, or both.
Picnic In The Park
Whether or not this is a red flag is kind of subjective. If you’re a fan of watching ants climb all over your food while dodging Frisbees, enjoy! (Yeah I hate picnics. Sue me.) The plus side of a picnic invitation is that it’s (meant to be) romantic, so the person who suggests this is definitely making an effort. The downside is that they require a ton of work to pull off effectively. So in Scenario A, your date shows up with a small suitcase worth of supplies (coolers, something to sit on so you don’t get grass stains, etc). While sweet, it also makes it painfully evident how much effort they put in and could be a turn-off early on. It also makes it impossible to continue the date afterward because they’re carrying around 10 pounds of picnic supplies.
In Scenario B, your date brings two 99 cent cans of Arizona iced teas and nothing else, you’re both covered in sweat and grass stains within 10 minutes, he gets embarrassed and tries to act like you’re too high maintenance to cover up that he planned a shitty-ass date. Ultimately, inviting you to a picnic means they’ve thought about this date way too much (and have probably done this exact date with their ex) or way too little. You can appreciate the gesture, but I do not recommend going on this date.
^The last time someone actually enjoyed a picnic.
Rooftop Bar With Their Friends
This is also kind of a mixed bag, but for different reasons. If they invite you to this a few days in advance, it’s ideal. It likely resembles the weekend plans you would have made for yourself anyway, and it means they want you to meet their friends. Win-win. If they invite you to this while they’re already there, it’s a very different story. This means they got drunk and horny, and are too awkward to actually meet someone at the bar full of equally drunk singles. Instead, they started going through their phone and messaging their last week of matches. While the commitment to not meeting people is admirable, you’re better than this. Being available on-demand for whenever they’re done with the social part of their night and just want to get laid is never a good look.*
*If you’ve been on a few dates already, this could be a cute “had a few drinks and started thinking about you” type text. But keep an eye on whether they actually introduce you to their friends when you show up, or if they just try to hustle you home.
Weeknight Dinner Reservation
Like the coffee date, this is normal/fine other parts of the year. But IMO, scheduling an 8pm dinner on a Wednesday is a little formal for a summer date. Has he never heard of happy hour? And is he just expecting you to waste prime drinking hours just to exchange information about your siblings and hometowns over cloth napkins? This date option implies that they’re highly traditional, operate by a strict schedule, and are probably not that much fun. This holds especially true if the restaurant they choose also offers a happy hour menu and they purposely choose not to do it. Who hurt you????
Their House In The Hamptons
This date is the easiest to decode. If they invite you to their house in the Hamptons, MARRY THEM. Seriously. Lock that shit down before the next heat wave rolls through.
Ultimately, dating in the summer is easier than dating in the winter. But because we can’t have nice things, that doesn’t mean some red flags don’t apply. Summer is the time to be your most fun self, taking advantage of long summer nights and half-off drinks. If their best self doesn’t crave margaritas after 12pm from June-September, think carefully whether this is someone you’re interested in dating. And maybe give your number to the people you see out at your favorite summer bars instead. At least you know they have good taste.
Images: Giphy (5); Jelleke Vanooteghem / Unsplash
I learned two important lessons from my time analyzing men’s underwear. 1) I’m basically the female version of Tan, and 2) there are way more bad options than good when it comes to covering men’s junk. The situation is no different when we’re looking at bathing suits—*remembers Speedos exist*—actually, it’s worse. Ultimately, scoping out guys at your local beach/pool/YMCA (I don’t judge) isn’t about finding your sartorial soulmate. It’s really about avoiding these common red flags. Read on for what his swimsuit says about him, and the swimsuits that should make you run far, far away.
Let’s start with the worst. “Swim briefs” are Speedos, plain and simple. Calling them swim briefs is the equivalent of referring to Q-tips as “cotton swabs.” So even using this term is sufficient reason to excuse yourself to the bathroom and never return. For those lucky souls who have never encountered a Speedo, I’ll paint you a picture. They do bare minimum in the front, and either barely cover his ass or go full thong. In other words, if you hook up with a guy wearing a Speedo, you could plausibly mistake it for your own underwear while trying to get dressed. These are strangely popular among Europeans, so consider yourself warned before meeting your Italian Hinge match at Le Bain.
Square Leg/Square-Cut Shorts
Looks like we’re going least to most coverage here! Square-cut shorts are the bathing suit equivalent of boxer briefs. This cut can be sexy when revealed under pants, but IMO it’s a little aggressive as the sole thing covering your lower half. (*Thinks back to the cheeky Brazilian bikini I just ordered.* Nope, I stand by it.) I feel like Jordan from The Bachelorette definitely wears this kind of bathing suit, to give you a sense of the overall dateability conveyed by this style. It’s the ultimate for guys who want to show off every inch of their bodies without committing fashion suicide. AKA every guy who cracked 1,000 followers on IG and now thinks they’re too good to answer your texts. Not that I’m bitter, we were obvs growing apart anyway. But yeah, guys who wear this swimsuit are likely way more into themselves than they are you. Sorry!
Ayyy, we’ve arrived at the only socially acceptable swim suit for men. Feels good. You’ll recognize swim trunks from every time you’ve seen a male go in water without baring their full ass. They’re your basic loose short, completely indistinguishable from actual male shorts to the naked eye. With swim trunks, the main thing you want to look out for is the print they choose. My personal preference is a solid that’s flattering to their skin tone, or a simple print that’s on-theme without being obnoxious. (E.g. *subtle* floral/Hawaiian, nautical, etc. Don’t @ me, I like the tiny sailboat thing.)
If they’re covered in giant flamingos, pineapples, or American flags, they’re frat bros who didn’t have to do anything other than breathe to get laid in college and don’t intend to start now. Give them a few years of getting rejected by women like you and come back to them. Like wine, except instead of wine it’s a 27-year-old man-baby. Anyone who wears plaid swim trunks is a psychopath or in middle school, and you can’t convince me otherwise.
Board shorts are…ok. They’re really just the sloppier, oversized version of swim trunks, often worn by little kids or guys who really don’t care about the fit of their clothes. Acceptable on surfers, for whom these serve a legit practical purpose. In all other scenarios, it’s the sartorial equivalent of what you put on to pick up Gatorade while hungover.
First time hearing of jammers? Don’t worry, me too. While I’d hoped this was a term for dressed-up jammies, it’s actually a swimsuit specifically designed for athletic performance. AKA this bitch better be training for the Olympics. Otherwise, he’s just weirdly proud of his thigh girth or trying to hide some kind of rash. Not a risk I’m interested in taking.
There you have it. If you’re looking for a guy to actually date (so old-fashioned, I know), swim trunks only please. If you’re already dating and looking to fine-tune his wardrobe, throw out all his obnoxious prints and board shorts. Everyone else, please feel free to hook up with the Speedo/short short/jammer wearing guys out there and report back. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when all they talk about is their dating app matches, muscle tone, and favorite protein powder. Wow, I’m just describing Jordan. He’ll be missed.
Images: Giphy (5)
As much as we’d all like to be that girl who gets in an hour-long cardio session at 7am when the rest of the world is sleeping, it’s just not gonna happen. In fact, the idea of getting out of bed to do something active while I could be in a deep sleep literally makes me nauseous. We all have those
years days that getting to the gym just isn’t in the cards for us, but it would still be nice to cut calories without legit starving ourselves. Here are some ways to burn calories throughout the day without breaking a sweat.
1. Skip Stairs
It might sound ridiculous, but going up the stairs burns a lot more calories that you’d think. I mean, you know the feeling of being winded after climbing the subway steps. That shit is a fucking workout. To make stair climbing even more effective, skip a step like some annoying 13-year-old boy. By skipping steps, you’re activating the glute and quad muscles in your legs, which are the biggest calorie-burning muscles in your body. You might look like an idiot, and someone will definitely see up your dress, but you’re basically replacing your 45-minute spin class. Ok, not really, but it’s better than nothing.
2. Do The Public Restroom Squat
If you don’t usually squat when using a public restroom, we’re not judging, but like, ew. If you’ve ever been to an airport and have held to hold a squat over the toilet while peeing, you know how much it actually burns your legs. It’s a great toning exercise and it actually burns calories. So, just pretend you’re always at an airport and you’ll burn calories every time you go to the bathroom. Your butt will probably get toned AF in the process, so I’d start now.
3. Eat Fiber
Foods with fiber are obviously healthy for you, but it turns out they literally help your body burn calories when you eat them. Foods that are high in fiber burn calories—it’s been scientifically proven—because they are harder for your body to digest. So, when you eat fiber-heavy foods like broccoli, oats, beans, and Brussels sprouts, your body needs to work harder to digest and so it burns calories without making you lift a finger. We’re basically giving you permission to order like, three more vegetable sides.
4. Drink Lemon Water In The Morning
If you’ve ever read an interview with any health guru or health-conscious celebrity, they all claim to start their day the same way: with a glass of lemon water in the morning. While we’d much rather skip straight to our cold brew, lemon water has a ton of benefits that will help your body throughout the day. Drinking water on an empty stomach will help flush out any toxins before you eat, and the polyphenols in lemon can help reduce your appetite, so you’re less likely to refill your bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats three times. Try drinking 8 ounces of lemon water before breakfast and you’ll see why Gwyneth Paltrow swears by it.
5. Engage Your Core
For people who don’t work out, this one might be a little confusing, but once you get the hang of it, it’ll be a game changer for your body. The idea is to engage your core when sitting at your desk, walking home, or just watching TV at night. Just like you have to squeeze your core during planks and sit-ups, engaging your core during everyday activities will help improve your posture, strengthen your abs, and burn calories when you’re not even working out. You’re putting in a little more work than you usually would, but then again you’re not making it to the gym today so stop whining.
6. Drink Coffee
In case you needed another reason to drink a shit ton of coffee before your lunch break, here’s another one: it’ll help speed up your metabolism and make you burn calories. Here’s how it works: the caffeine found in coffee is a central nervous system stimulant, and coffee contains chlorogenic acid, which is a compound that may help slow absorption of carbs. So, when you drink coffee, it makes you less hungry and speeds up your body’s metabolic rate. Basically, order the Venti. Your body deserves it.
Being lazy is a true art form. It’s probably the only skill on my resume, besides idk, Instagram, that I didn’t lie about, and I legitimately pride myself on the ability to strategically get away with doing the bare minimum on a daily basis. But there are few things in this world that are worse than the combination of being lazy and horny. Don’t get me wrong, being on top and taking charge in the bedroom is sexy and empowering, but only when you’re actually feeling sexy and empowered. The other six and a half days of the week, you’re prob covered in zit cream and chip dust hoping he doesn’t come home with his rocket fully prepared for takeoff. So here are some of the best sex positions to make it look like you actually tried without literally lifting a finger. Oh, and you’re fucking welcome.
1. The Spoon
The spoon is OG lazy lovemaking at its finest. It’s actually the best because you’ve mastered this position every single day of your life from about 10pm to 7am. All you need to do is lay on your side with him behind you. Once he enters you, let your hands do the talking. Reach around and grab hold of his thighs, guide his hands to hold your boobs, or better yet, your clit—the fact that you’re taking control with minimal effort is a win-win. Just try not to fall asleep. Or do. Even better.
2. The Curled Spoon
Refer to above spooning position for proper form, except this time around, you’re both activating full fetal position. I only included this on here because since you’re now hugging your knees into your chest, you’re fully incapable of moving any sort of body part lower than your chest. You’re also pushing, like, full-night’s-sleep-after-a-long-ass-weekend comfort levels. Congratulations.
3. Collapsed Doggy Style
If your favorite yoga position is the one where you’re practically unconscious during the last 10 minutes of class, then this one’s for you. And bonus, it’s even got a yoga-y name, so it’s basically like you’re saving $30. All you need is a pillow. Lie on your stomach and elevate your butt with the pillow, and that’s literally all you have to do besides focusing on staying awake. Plus, this is technically an alternative of doggy style, so do this if he won’t get off your back about his incessant need to fuck you from behind.
4. Bootyful View
This is perfect for when you’re feeling lazy AND bloated from your happy hour/three-year weekend alcohol binge (since his only view will be of your backside), so basically, like any day. Have him sit up on the bed with his legs extended horizontally. Turn around and straddle him (like reverse cowgirl) and extend your legs back so they’re behind him, and your body is between his legs on the bed. Slide up and down while using his legs for leverage. Before you bitch about the logistics going into this position, just think of it as like putting together your Ikea bookshelf. The setup is a fucking nightmare, but you’ll eventually get to enjoy it at the expense of basically nothing. Swearsies.
5. Dirty Dangle
Not to brag, but I’ve mastered this shit when I’m fucked up. Ok, I’m for sure bragging. Basically all you have to do is lay on your back at the foot of the bed. Start out in missionary, and when you’re both close to climaxing (if you’re drunk, then good fucking luck with that), start inching toward the edge of the bed until your head, shoulders and arms are hanging backward off the bed. The blood rush will give you an added sensation once you come back up. But chances are, after a night out, you’re basically already hanging off the bed in some form or another, so.
6. The Spider Web
So I lied—I know I said you won’t have to lift a finger with any of these positions, but for this one you’re gonna have to lift a leg, but it’s better than starfishing like a basic bitch. Just lie on your sides and face each other, so for your sake, I hope he’s at least like, a 7. Intertwine your legs through his, and rather than that jack-hammer thrusting bullshit guys think they can get away with, this sexual web requires circular motions and grinding. Yeah, groundbreaking. As an added sensation, reach back and use your nails to lightly scratch his back. But like, demand the favor be returned. Betches don’t work for free.
7. The Chair Face-Off
The downside of Netflix and Chill is that there’s like no point in watching Netflix, since all you’re thinking about is the potential for peen sitting right next to you. The plus side of the chair face-off is that you can Netflix AND chill without having to rewatch what you acted like you attempted to watch the first time. For starters, you’ll need a chair (fucking duh). Have him sit on the chair while you face him and straddle him. If he has a clue, he’ll put his hands on your hips to guide you while using his hips for an added bounce. You’re guaranteed to reach full satisfaction, but that’s like 95% due to the fact that you’re all caught up on Game of Thrones.
Images: mathilde langevin / Unsplash; Giphy (4)
Summer goes by pretty fast, so you want to spend your time wisely. I mean, on one hand, it’s bikini season and we’re drinking martinis all day, so it’s probably a good idea to like, work out a bit. On the other hand, my poolside lounge chair is the literally the best place in the world and the idea of going on a run makes me want to die right now. That’s why we developed a quick workout routine that you can do on your lounge chair or even from your couch, so you’re like, kind of moving, but you also don’t feel like death. Here’s the workout:
1. Bicycle Crunches
Bicycle crunches are one of the most effective moves for your abs, and they specifically target your obliques, which are those side lines that will look so good when you’re wearing your swimsuit. Lie flat on your back with your hands behind your head and your knees bent inward toward your chest. Try to lift your shoulder blades off the lounge chair to activate your core, and then straighten your right leg out in front of you while bringing your right elbow to your left knee. Alternate legs for 45 seconds and keep your abs engaged the whole time. As we’ve said before, do this shit S-L-O-W-L-Y or else you’re wasting your time.
2. Hip Bridges
This move looks like you’re aimlessly thrusting your pelvis into the air so it might be awkward if other people are around, but it also makes your butt look amazing so it’s worth it. Lie on your back with your legs bent in front of you and your feet on the lounge chair. Then, squeeze your butt and pull your hips into the air, making sure your glutes are fully engaged. Bring your butt down to the bench, and keep going up and down for a minute. Try taking a few seconds at the top to pulse your hips upward for an extra burn. It hurts, but you’ll thank us when your butt looks unreal in your new denim shorts all summer.
3. Scissor Kicks
This is another ab exercise, but instead of targeting the obliques, it hits the middle of your abs, where you want that perfect line that literally looks like you’ve been doing hardcore Pilates for years. Lie on your back with your arms out to the side. You can also hold onto the sides of your lounge chair for more support. With a slight bend in your knees, lift your legs up so that your heels are a few inches off the chair, then lift one leg up and slowly lower it back down without your heel touching the chair. Alternate between right and left for 45 seconds and remember to breathe. Holding your breath makes it harder, not easier.
4. Mountain Climbers
We’ve burned out our abs and ass already, so it’s time for a cardio burst. The point of mountain climbers is to keep your abs and legs working while bringing your heart rate up through a cardio interval. Start with your hands on the lounge chair and your body in a plank position. Then, jog each knee into your chest as fast as you can while keeping your spine and hips as straight as you can. You want to work as hard as you can for about 30 seconds, so you can keep burning calories when you’re doing jack shit the rest of the day. Yay!
5. Shoulder Taps
Shoulder taps work your core and the upper part of your arms, so you’re basically killing two birds with one stone. Start in a plank position with your feet hip width apart. You can bring them closer together to make it harder, but try to keep your hips square the entire time. Lift your left hand off the lounge chair to tap your right shoulder, then bring it back down, and do the same on the other side. Alternate sides for one minute without swaying your hips or lifting your butt too high.
6. Backward Kicks
We’re not gonna make you get up and do lunges or squats, but it wouldn’t be a full body workout without burning out your legs and butt, so let’s do some kicks to get those muscles activated. Start on all fours with your knees on the lounge chair. Then, kick your right leg straight behind you and lift it a few inches higher, pulsing for a few seconds at the top. Bring the leg back down and switch sides, doing the same on the left. Also, make sure you’re not kicking too aggressively. You want to slowly extend the leg and pulse the muscle to feel the burn in your butt.
7. Tricep Dips
For the last move, you’re gonna have to (kind of) leave your lounge chair, but you’re still technically holding on, so it counts. Tricep dips are super effective for toning your arms, so you don’t want to skip this one. Start sitting on the edge of the lounge chair with your hands on the chair behind you, facing forwards. Slide your butt a few inches away from the edge of the chair and extend your legs outwards. Bend your elbows to lower your butt down to the floor until your elbows are at a 90 degree angle, then press down to straighten out your elbows and lift yourself up to the starting position. Keeping dipping up and down for 45 seconds.
We all know by now that the number one thing you can do in life to fuck up your skin is fail to take off your makeup properly. That and like, not drink so much alcohol, but only one of those options is truly feasible for the average betch’s modern lifestyle. Unfortunately for those of us who usually come home some combination of tired/drunk and are generally lazy, there are a lot of steps to actually taking your makeup off that go way beyond soap and water. Like, apparently Q-Tips should be involved? I’m honestly shocked. Also I continually fail to understand the presence of cucumbers in our beauty regimens. I mean, I don’t hate it, I just don’t understand it. Which is most things in life, I guess.
While we all hope to come home after work and completely remove every trace of dirt from our pores and thoroughly exfoliate our post-workday skin, we all know that this dream is basically bullshit. In reality you will most likely stumble home at the end of the night, splash water on your face, and walk out of the bathroom with the day’s mascara still fully applied to your lashes.
In order to illustrate this phenomenon, check out Betches Video’s latest “How To Take Off Your Makeup Expectations Vs. Reality” video and be like, “omg this is me.” Subscribe to our Youtube channel for more funny videos just like this one.
We all know that being toned and skinny is major #lifegoals, but getting there can be a real fucking struggle. Like, it’s not being AT the gym or actually walking a few miles that sucks—it’s getting up the energy to do it. Like, why should I get in my car and drive to the gym when this couch is perfectly comfortable? I know you know what I mean. Because we want to be lazy AND hot, we’ve rounded up seven super fucking easy workouts you can LITERALLY do in your bed from Cosmo, Self, and Lifehack.
1. Marching Hip Raises
You’ll look stupid doing it, but your abs, butt, and thighs will thank you. Lie on your back with knees bent, heels near your butt, arms down and palms down. Then lift your hips off the bed keeping your upper body down, forming a line between shoulders and knees. Without extending your leg, squeeze your butt and lift your left foot off the bed and bring your knee over your hip. Repeat on the other side.
The most hated of all exercises can be done in the comfort of your own bed. I feel like you all should know how planks go by now because we talk about them in literally every exercise roundup, but one more time for the people in back. Get into push-up position, balancing on your forearms, then align your elbows under your shoulders. Lift to make a straight line with your body from head to feet. Hold for about 25 seconds, rest, and do it again.
3. Bench Press
No explanation necessary, but yes—you can do some bench presses in bed. Lay in bed and lift small 5lb weights like you would if you were actually one of those roided-out dudes at the gym. Start by holding the weights at your chest with your elbows bent and palms facing out. Then push up, extending your arms straight out in front of you. Return to start and repeat until your arms get tired, or like, three sets of 10 reps.
4. Sit Ups & Crunches
I don’t need to explain how to do a crunch or a sit-up, hopefully. These are super simple and perfect for doing in bed without actually getting up. Win.
5. Russian Twists
Sound easy because it fucking is—until you actually try it. Sit on the bed with your hands holding a pillow (if you’re a weakling) or a weight (if you’re actually legit) in front of your chest. Your knees are bent at like a 45 degree angle, heels are on the mattress, and toes are pointed up. Twist your torso from right to left so that the opposite hand touches the opposite side when you twist. Lift your feet off the bed if you’re really good at this shit.
6. Scissor Legs
This one’s fun cause it doesn’t require your head to move off your pillow. Lie on your back with hands underneath your hips and palms down. Bring your feet straight up in the air and, keeping both legs totally straight, bring down your right leg in a controlled manner. Then bring it back up and repeat with left leg. This will totally tone your abs.
7. Diamond Reverse Crunches
Alright now, this one looks super awkward, but can you really care how you look when you won’t even get out of bed to work out? Lie on you back with arms on your sides palms down. Bring your feet together and open your knees so that you have like, a diamond shape in your legs. Think back to fourth grade gymnastics where you’d bend your legs into a diamond shape and try to stretch so your nose touched your feet and you’ve got the basic form down. Now press your palms into the bed and raise your feet over your hips. From there, lift your hips off the bed and make your feet go straight up toward the ceiling. Then bring your hips back to the bed. Repeat until you can’t feel your abs anymore.
Betches of the Northeast and Midwest, prepare to bitch about the weather like never before (or at least since 2014), because another Polar Vortex is on its way to fuck everything up. In case you were too wrapped up in your own drama to notice the last one, here’s a recap: In January 2014, Mother Nature watched too much Game of Thrones and decided that winter was fucking coming for America. Not just any old winter, but the coldest one since some of us were still fledgling betches on the playground. Needless to say, everyone spent it stuck inside somewhere. The lucky ones were at home with several bottles of wine; the not-so-lucky had to abandon their cars on the side of the road like it was the apocalypse.
Once you wound up somewhere warm and drunk, it was actually pretty fun. Which is nice, because apparently a less intense Polar Vortex is predicted to hit the Midwest and Northeast this week. I say this with utmost admiration: Mother Nature is a frigid bitch.
Obviously, the only way to deal with this is with alcohol and TV. Here are 9 wine/Netflix combinations to get you through the week.