It’s said that everything the Trump administration does is a distraction from something more important going on and this week was no different. That NYTimes op-ed? Clearly a distraction from the drama going down in the Vaginal Jade Egg community. Wellness Guru and professional middle part-er Gwyneth Paltrow has settled with California prosecutors over falsely advertising the scientific benefits of sticking rocks in your p*ssy. And if that’s not the most 2018 thing you’ve ever read, IDK what is.

 
Paltrow’s company Goop (a name so bad only a beautiful rich white lady can get away with it) claimed that jade and quartz eggs, should you insert them in your hoo-ha, would “balance hormones, increase bladder control and regulate menstrual cycles” and that another item, Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend, “could help prevent depression.”

While in theory, these benefits all sound rather nice, the California courts pointed out that there was no scientific evidence behind them. It’s sort of like a drunk girl in a bathroom promising you the world and then when you’re like wait, what do you mean you can get me free drinks for the night *poof* she’s gone.

GOOP settled with the courts and paid $145,000, which honestly is just the cost of three vaginal eggs and a Flower Essence Blend added up. They’re still selling the two eggs, but the Inner Judge Flower Essence Blend has disappeared from the website. The company simply changed the description of the eggs and are no longer promising that they’ll (Iyanla) Fix Your Life.

So readers, go nuts and stick whatever you want up your vag, just know that science might not be on your side. But Gwyneth always will.

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Images via Giphy (3)

Amid the shitstorm otherwise known as current events in 2018, it is easy to focus on impending nuclear war, everyone Trump has ever met being indicted, and the Kardashians influencing government policy to the exclusion of basically all other news. Unfortunately, while that shit might get the most coverage, the few Trump appointees who have managed not to be fired by tweet or indicted for collusion are still hard at work destroying our freedoms. You might remember rich girl and education non-expert Betsy Devos from like, one thousand scandals ago. DeVos is currently heading up the Department of Education, and is at the forefront of dismantling civil rights for students. Apparently, even children are not safe from Republicans’ Regina George-esque affinity for ruining lives. Luckily, American citizens are not having it, and are fighting back via the 2018 liberal clapback – lawsuits, obviously. Let’s dig into all the illegal shit Devos’ Department of Education is currently being sued for.

Ignoring Repeated Civil Rights Complaints

This March, the Office of Civil Rights, the division of the DOE charged with investigating claims of race and disability-based discrimination, updated their case processing policy. The changes allow the OCR to decline to investigate complaints that the office finds too “financially burdensome” to pursue. According to the OCR, the change is intended to prevent repeat complainants from filing the same claim multiple times, creating unnecessary pressure on the OCR. So basically, the DOE thinks repeated instances of racism in schools are too expensive to look into. Meanwhile, half of Trump’s cabinet members spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on private flights and lavish office furniture. Glad to see this administration has its priorities straight!

In response to these blatantly racist and ableist policy reforms, the NAACP, National Federation of the Blind, and the Council of Parent Attorneys and Advocates are jointly suing the DOE and DeVos herself. According to NAACP spokesperson Malik Russell, not only does the suit allege that the OCR “decided to abandon” its literal mission to “investigate racial, gender or disability discrimination complaints,” but it changed its policy without giving the officially mandated advance notice to the public, which would have allowed groups like the NAACP to attempt to pre-empt the change by pointing out that it’s you know, dumb, evil, and illegal. Wait, a Trump government body didn’t follow official regulations when rolling out a new policy? Color me shocked.

Ignoring Transgender Students’ Rights

Providing further proof that the vast majority of Trump staffers literally can’t read, a DOE spokesperson told Buzzfeed in February that “restroom complains from transgender students are not covered by a 1972 federal civil rights law called Title IX.” She said this despite the fact that multiple courts have previously ruled that this is exactly what that law does. The DOE staff apparently plans to “consider the legal issues” since being called out, but as that would require a working knowledge of the law, I somehow doubt they will come to any genius conclusions.

Siding With For Profit Colleges Instead of Students

Because Betsy and her fellow Republicans love nothing more than money, it should come as no surprise that her DOE is siding with for profit colleges instead of the students they defrauded. Early in her tenure as DOE head, DeVos canceled Obama-era regulations that guarded students against for-profit colleges that conned students into paying tuition fees without giving them actual educations or useful degrees. A group of students is now suing the DOE for allegedly using their Social Security data to prevent them from receiving government relief on student loans they took out for these fraudulent colleges. Oh and by the way, DeVos herself has invested in the for-profit college industry. No conflict of interest to see here!

Rolling Back Sexual Assault on Campus Regulations

If you thought the DOE would be content with ensuring that racial discrimination complaints go un-investigated, transgender students are prevented from using bathrooms consistent with their gender identities, and low-income students have their money stolen from massive companies, you’d be wrong. Betsy’s DOE has also set its sights on dismantling Obama era sexual assault on campus reforms. The Victim Rights Law Center and Equal Rights Advocates are suing the DOE for abdicating their responsibility to protect victims of sexual violence and reinforcing gender stereotypes by implying that women’s sexual assault complaints are not valid.

Remember the Biden video about campus assault that made everyone cry? DeVos thinks that shit is lame, and is obsessed with the due process rights of accused rapists. So to recap, accused rapists and not students of color or victims of assault are definitely the group most in need of legal protection. This one is almost too depressing to make up jokes about.

DeVos called the Obama administration Title IX reforms that protected assault victims and promised them investigations a “failed system,” ostensibly because it failed to be nice enough to rapists. Her DOE also officially rescinded the Obama administration “Dear Colleague” letter, which installed “preponderance of evidence” as the standard of proof during assault investigations and demanded universities begin investigating complaints soon after they are entered. To top it all off, one of her staffers told the New York Times that 90% of assault accusations are made because both parties were drunk. I thought we resolved that being blackout doesn’t mean I asked for it a few years ago, but since Republicans’ ultimate goal appears to be returning us to the 1950s I guess I should shut up and be grateful I can still buy Plan B over the counter.

Thank you, lawyers with moral compasses and actual degrees.

I wish the people in charge of educating our nation’s children appeared to have received more than a 2nd grade education themselves. However, we can take a little comfort in the fact that the repeated public idiocy of DOE officials indicates that the actually educated lawyers taking them on in court can hopefully fucking destroy them legally.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Ugh, we have to talk about Shaun White. Not only does he look like every rich dude I went to high school with whose hobbies included shredding powder, sending unsolicited dick pics, and believing he was God’s gift to this Earth, Shaun White also apparently acts just like those dudes too. Shocking.

After winning his third gold medal at the Pyeongchang Games on Tuesday, many were ready to celebrate the “return of the king.” That is until White’s sexual harassment lawsuit was brought to light, to which many responded, “ew.”

Lena Zawaideh — the drummer of White’s band “Bad Things” — sued him in 2016 for years of sexual harassment and wrongful termination. Zawaideh alleged that White made sexually explicit comments directed at her, sent her pictures of engorged and enlarged penises, made her watch disturbing videos with extreme sexual content, one time shoved his hands down his pants and then shoved them in her face and made her smell them, groped her butt while leaving practice one day, and even demanded that she cut her hair. There’s a lot to unpack here. For starters, Shaun White was in a band because being a professional snowboarder apparently wasn’t douchey enough for him. Second, Shaun White, of all people, cannot tell anyone they need to cut their hair. His trademark look was literally “Raggedy Ann In Expensive Snow Gear” for years. GTFO here, man. And lastly, wow, ew, ew, ew, Shaun White is a nasty little prick.

See screenshots of his text messages here.

According to the suit, the infuriating text exchange  took place the night before the band’s last show in their 2014 tour. In it, White demands that Zwaideh change her hair, saying it is “disappointing” when she does not agree to change her look for him. Considering how stupid Shaun White’s hair looked for years, this is particularly egregious. Zawaideh stopped hearing from White after that, and was later informed that she had been kicked out of the band without receiving her payments for 2014. So, it seems, Shaun White got all pissy that this woman claimed the rights to her own hair, and then kicked her out of his band. Cool, bro.

The suit has multiple disturbing stories, and claims White became increasingly hostile towards Zawaideh after he failed to win the gold metal at the 2014 Olympics. Because, you know, he’s a giant garbage baby and has to take out his anger about being a sore loser on a woman. Allegedly.

The lawsuit was settled in 2016, but is being talked about now in the wake of the #MeToo movement and White’s Olympic victory. NBC has promoted White as the golden boy of the 2018 games, deeming him “the best of the U.S.” NBC invested a lot in White this year, with his anticipated comeback after he failed to win the gold in 2014. It seems like a poor choice to pick the dude who has a public sexual harassment case to be your poster boy during a cultural movement that is working to take down sexual harassers, but okay. Read the room, NBC.

When White was initially asked about the allegations, he said some dumb shit in typical fuckboy fashion. A reporter asked him if he thought the allegations would “tarnish his legacy, to which White responded, “Honestly, I’m here to talk about the Olympics, not gossip. I am who I am, and I’m proud of who I am, and my friends love me and vouch for me, and I think that stands on its own.” Um…

Reporter: How do you think these serious sexual harassment allegations will affect you?

Shaun White: Honestly, I hate drama. I’m just a no drama kind of guy. Also my friends think I’m chill, so we’re good here.

White eventually apologized for that statement, or at least apologized for calling the allegations gossip. “It was a poor choice of words to describe such a sensitive subject in the world today,” he said during an interview on the Today Show. He then upgraded his apology in a statement to the New York Times and said, “I regret my behavior of many years ago, and am sorry that I made anyone — particularly someone I considered a friend — uncomfortable.” He also claimed that he has since “grown and changed as a person, as we all grow and change, and am proud of who I am today.” Looks like somebody had a long meeting with their publicist.

Any dude who shoves his hands down his pants and then makes you smell them should be cancelled, imo. But I guess we say, “cancelled,” and NBC says, “best of the U.S.” Wake me up when we’ve all finally realized that Adam Rippon is the fucking best of the U.S./Galaxy.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!