The Most Bingeworthy TV Shows This Fall

As I sit in my flannel, jeans, and black ankle boots, I can happily confirm that the fall season is upon us. True, it’s still mid-70s and I’m only dressed this way because there was a tick advisory for my workplace today (working in TV is all glamour, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise). But I’m sure we can all agree that it feels like fall. In other words, it’s time to curl up in front of your TV and forget the words “crop top” for another nine months. While you probably spent all summer bingeing Office reruns (same), fall is the time for new, highly anticipated TV. In order of when they come out, here are the new and returning TV shows that will dominate your life for the next few months. Please set your DVR accordingly.

‘You’ – September 9, Lifetime

I should qualify at the start of this list that not every show will be what’s traditionally considered “good.” For example, most of the dialogue in this particular show makes me want to throw myself through a window. But like, in the BEST way. This show is about Penn Badgley playing a stalker freak who becomes obsessed with a slightly vapid blond and immediately starts doing psycho sh*t like writing about her on an anonymous website breaking into her apartment and messing with her life. So basically, a dark yet accurate glimpse into Dan’s future. (Extremely self-aware of Penn Badgley to take this role.) This is my new favorite guilty pleasure show, and if you’re a fan of Lifetime at all, I can’t recommend it enough.

The first of many red flags he displays in this show:

‘Maniac’ – September 21, Netflix

Okay so polar opposite of the last show, but also about mental health. Can’t imagine why that’s trendy right now when we have such a stable genius in the White House! Anyway. This whole season dropped on 9/21, and it stars Jonah Hill and Emma Stone. Even in this ~Golden Age~ of television, that’s a pretty high-end cast. I won’t tell you much about the plot beyond the fact that they both have a sh*t-ton of baggage and sign up for a pharmaceutical trial. The plot is less important than the vibe, which so far is like every episode of Black Mirror smushed into one world. This show is good for an all-day binge when you’re up for actually thinking about what you’re watching. Invite over your artiest friend so they force you to pay attention through the first 3 episodes, it’s kind of slow to start up.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ – September 24, ABC

Have I ever watched this show before? No, and I probably won’t again. But who could resist seeing Grocery Store Joe flit across the stage! I give you permission to stop watching as soon as he’s cut.

‘This Is Us’ – September 25, NBC

You all know what this one is for. This is the show you come to when you need a really good cry, or when you want to ignore all your problems and pretend Mandy Moore is your mom for a while. Also, to get your weekly Sterling K. Brown fix, which is right up there in terms of importance with drinking water and getting enough sleep. It’s just a fact of life. This season, we’re going back to Jack and Rebecca’s first date—and Randall’s daughter, Tess, all grown up. Few things are as pure as my love for this show.

Anyone else need to watch this on repeat to cleanse from this week’s news cycle?

‘Modern Family’ – September 26, ABC

Did we all kind of get over Modern Family five years ago when it won every award? Yeah, maybe. But this is likely the final season, and they’ve been teasing a “significant death,” so I’m planning on riding out the show until the end. It’s the least you can do for something that gave you a few good years, like when you loyally wear your favorite black leggings until they’re completely sheer in the crotch. Watch out of loyalty, watch because Phil is still funny AF, or watch because you’re hungover and it comes on next on Hulu. Up to you.

‘The Good Place’ – September 27, NBC

Very few shows like The Good Place have come around in the past few years, and I’m deeply grateful when they do. It’s from the creator of Parks & Rec, and has the same soothing effect of all your fave 25-minute comedies. Kristen Bell has spent the first two seasons figuring out that she’s in (SPOILERS) Hell, aka the Bad Place. Season 3 opens up with her and her 3 companions having been redeposited on Earth to give things another try. Will they f*ck it up in a largely similar way to the first time? Probably, their memories were erased so IDK why they wouldn’t. But it’ll be fun to watch them try to fight their baser instincts for a while.

‘How To Get Away With Murder’ – September 27, ABC

This is another show that’s sadly nowhere near as good as it used to be. But at its best it was so iconic that I still can’t look away. No matter how ridiculous the rest of it gets, Annalise is still the epitome of boss b*tch goals, and Laurel still has an annoyingly good lingerie collection for someone with such a terrible personality.

‘Riverdale’ – October 10, CW

Of course the show I’m most excited for doesn’t come back until October 10th. OF COURSE. Season 3 of Riverdale is about to be f*cking lit. We’re dealing with the aftermath of Archie’s arrest, an all-out war with Hiram, more screen time for Cheryl and Toni, and some weird cult stuff with Betty’s sister. The promo shows Archie shirtless, more milkshakes at Pop’s, and what appears to be a ritual sacrifice of two babies. Exactly what you’d expect and get more than you dared hope, in classic Riverdale fashion. And obviously we’ll be recapping it.

Me all season:

The best part of these fall shows? Since they’re all newly released, you’re basically engaging in a cultural activity with every binge. Some people go to museums; you binge artful new storytelling techniques. Or at least that’s what you’ll tell yourself as you order Seamless the sixth time that week. Happy watching!

Images: The CW; Giphy (4)

Change Is In Store Whether You Like It Or Not: Weekend Horoscopes May 18-20

This weekend, if you’re still talking about the Laurel/Yanni debate, it’s time to find a hobby and instead focus on what the stars have in store for you this weekend. Since Uranus changed signs this week, you could be in for some changes too. Like, now, instead of ordering your water with lemon, you might find yourself ordering the lemons on the side. Wow. Groundbreaking stuff here. Anyway, let’s see what the weekend horoscopes May 18 – 20 have in store. We’re not at Memorial Day weekend just yet.

Aries

Uranus is giving you the expertise to navigate life’s twists and turns. When you’re in a new neighborhood checking out a rooftop bar this weekend, you’ll be more likely to drunkenly guide yourself and your friends home—or to the nearest Taco Bell.

Taurus

This weekend is about breaking habits for you. As a Taurus, you love patterns and regularity. Breaking out of your regular MO isn’t easy for you, but once you find your stride you’ll be unstoppable. Order a new drink one night this weekend, try a new restaurant, go without a bra. The world of innocuous risks is your oyster.

Gemini

Mercury’s angle to Saturn this weekend will have you doing some profound thinking. Even though there’s something serious on your mind, work it out on your own. Don’t go to your friends for advice. Like, one of them keeps hooking up with her fuckboy ex. Another of your friends has a credit card debt problem. Do you really think these people can solve your existential crisis? Yeah, right.

Cancer

Warren Buffet said, “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it.” You can follow the advice from some rich old white guy or you can say fuck it and do whatever you want this weekend. Uranus used to be guiding you in your house of career and reputation. Since it’s moved, that bitch doesn’t have you under her thumb anymore. Just go with what you feel instead.

Leo

You have a lot of practical knowledge to share this weekend. It’s time to take someone younger or new under your wing to show them the ropes. Keep your lessons simple and to the point. Generations to come can benefit from you sharing your technique for flawless eyeliner every time or the best drink to order to get you fucked up while not looking like an alcoholic.

Virgo

Before, Uranus was is independent Aries, causing you to experience a lot of weird, unpredictable behavior from others. Now that the planet has moved, you’ll be able to use what you learned from those strange circumstances. Things that used to phase you will seem completely irrelevant now. Your lack of fucks to give will give you an advantage in the boardroom and the bedroom.

Libra

With change in the air for a lot of other signs, you may find your tactics for getting what you want from others aren’t quite working how they used to. Mars clashes with Uranus in your house of self-expression, making your antics a little harder to swallow. Either change how you deal with others this weekend or be content to hang out alone.

Scorpio

As a Scorpio, it’s not always easy to say how you feel. You’d rather just give someone the silent treatment than express your feelings to them. This weekend, though, alignment between expressive Mercury and steadfast Saturn can make it easier to discuss something on your mind. Time to tell your boyfriend his Batman boxers kill your lady boner.

Sagittarius

Let’s be real, you had a lot of fun with Uranus shaking things up in areas of romance, fun, adventure, and entertainment. But that time has now come to an end. Uranus has moved on, and so should the rest of your ass, pun totally intended. It’s time to buckle down and get a little more focused. I mean, after the weekend, of course.

Capricorn

There’s more to you than meets the eye, and your hidden side will come out a little more this weekend. Tell those close to you to expect the unexpected. Your personality isn’t changing, you’re just letting who you really are show through. That’s great, unless who you really are is someone who rides mechanical bulls or picks sad songs at karaoke.

Aquarius

Be prepared to get called out on your shit this weekend. Mars squaring off with Uranus in your domestic realm makes it easy for friends, partners, and family to come forward with their grievances. So, yeah, you might feel like you’ve got a target on your back, but no one is buying your “I’m so innocent” act right now.

Pisces

Mercury synching with Saturn in your friendship zone means someone is looking out for you this weekend. You should take their advice. It might even be a friend you haven’t heard from in a while or someone who lives far away. With innovative Uranus now traversing the realm of communication and intellect, who knows? You might even get a FaceTime call to work without it freezing a million times.

Images: Lauren Roberts / Unsplash; Giphy (6)