In Which A Girl Who Hasn’t Changed Out Of Sweatpants In 13 Months Judges Celebrities’ Oscars Outfits

Last night, awards season 2021 came to a close (unless you count the Met Gala, which is really just a red carpet) with the 93rd annual Academy Awards. And while usually the Oscars are a big production that’s only mildly painful, last night the Academy had a pared-down ceremony held at Los Angeles’s Union Station. A handful of celebrities were in attendance, and they were not allowed to dress casually (a rule I’m 90% certain was put into place solely because of Jason Sudeikis at the Golden Globes). This year really separated the movie fans from the people who are forced to watch for work (hi), as it was fairly subdued compared to years past. That said, there were some standout moments. Daniel Kaluuya won Best Supporting Actor for his role in Judas & The Black Messiah and in his acceptance speech, thanked his parents for having sex. While his mom was in the audience. Chloé Zhao made history when she won Best Director for Nomadland, making her the first woman of color, and only the second woman, to do so. Yuh-jung Youn became the first Korean actress to win an Academy Award, and low-key shaded Brad Pitt in her acceptance speech. And because it wouldn’t be the Oscars without a colossal blunder at the very last minute, after mysteriously moving the award for Best Actor after Best Picture and spending all night alluding to Chadwick Boseman potentially winning the award posthumously, Best Actor went to… Anthony Hopkins.

But the real shame was the red carpet this year. Not because there were a lot of bad looks—in fact, because there were really no bad looks. As a professional hater, this took a real toll on me. I’ve been stuck inside for a year and forgotten how to clasp a bra; these celebrities can still serve looks more than a year into the pandemic?! They really are not just like us. That said, I know you all come for the outfit roasts, so I dug deep for this. Here I am, a person who has not changed out of athleisure (if sweatpants count as athleisure) for a full year, to make fun of couture designs about which I know nothing.

Laura Dern

Laura Dern 93rd Oscars

Serving both Moira Rose energy and the feather duster from Beauty and the Beast, Laura Dern’s Oscar de la Renta gown is the definition of business on top, party on the bottom. Which, incidentally, is what I put in my Hinge profile.

Olivia Colman

Olivia Colman 93rd Oscars

I know Trump is no longer in office, but I still do not want to see Handmaid outfits—not on Halloween and especially not on the red carpet. Last time I checked, Amy Coney Barrett was still on the Supreme Court. I know season 4 is coming out and we’re all hyped, but please, it’s too soon.

Viola Davis

Viola Davis at the 93rd Oscars

There’s always one bride on Say Yes to the Dress with a conservative family who goes for a Pnina Tornai gown that looks exactly like this, and it costs like, $15,000 over budget. *Adds to wedding Pinterest board*

Sacha Baron Cohen

Sacha Baron Cohen at the 93rd Oscars

Maybe it’s the brown jacket and the off-white pants with a white shirt—okay, yes, it’s definitely that combination of elements—but I feel like he’s about to walk right off the red carpet and try to either sell me some paper, or bust into an a cappella routine. Only thing that’s missing is the hat.

Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon at the 93rd Oscars

You know the 2000s are coming back when people are just randomly throwing belts on garments that absolutely do not need belts. I did this in middle school with tops from Rainbow; Reese is doing it with a Christian Dior gown. At least I only ruined a $3 shirt, just saying!

Andra Day

Andra Day at the 93rd Oscars

Her glam looks amazing; there is absolutely no denying that. Hot take, though: this dress to me looks like something that’s gotten a designer sent home on Project Runway. I’m pretty sure I wore this to one theme party or another in college. The theme was, ironically, the Oscars, and I went as a sexy statue. 

Glenn Close

Glenn Close at the 93rd Oscars

I am still triggered from my high school years when wearing skirts over jeans was cool. I love the dress—just not sure why she had to add the gloves, or the pajama pants underneath. Maybe it makes things comfier, but at what cost?

Halle Berry

Halle Berry at the Oscars

My brain: Don’t say it looks like a vagina, don’t say it looks like a vagina, don’t say it looks like a vagina… Is this or is this not the diagram you’re shown in 6th grade health class to illustrate the menstruation process?

Diane Warren

Diane Warren at the 93rd Oscars

Didn’t realize they let Ghislaine Maxwell out of prison for this. Did nobody tell her?

Chris Pizzello-Pool/Getty Images (5); Alberto Pezzali-Pool/Getty Images; Rick Rycroft-Pool/Getty Images; Matt Petit/A.M.P.A.S. via Getty Images (2)

92nd Academy Awards Recap: You Need To See ‘Parasite’

The longest and most packed awards season yet has finally come to a close with last night’s 2020 Oscars. While usually Hollywood gives us a f*cking break for a couple of weeks (and a chance to enjoy one single Sunday in early 2020), this year they moved the Oscars from late February to the weekend after the Super Bowl. While I’m glad that celebrities have nothing better to do, the rest of us would like to actually go to bed before midnight on a Sunday.

This year, the Oscars decided to forego a host yet again, probably because Steve Martin and Chris Rock wouldn’t agree to do it. In years past, this has been a good choice to help keep things moving, but this year instead of host monologues, they filled the time with 5-minute montages of every nominated movie for every award. The result was a Hollywood circle jerk that was FOUR HOURS LONG. Think about that. That’s half a work day. That’s about two hours longer than it needed to be. There is really no reason for it to run that long.

The Academy seemed acutely aware of all the criticisms that have been levied against it (especially in the diversity department, or lack thereof), so they decided to respond to that by having literally every presenter make some sort of joke or crack about it. I’m glad that they are at least not pretending to brush their systematic issues under the rug, and I love shade as much as the next bitch, but you know what would be a good way to fix their issues? Actually fix them and nominate more diverse contenders. It’s like when I joke about being single and lonely but never actually go on dates. 

Janelle Monáe opened the ceremony by singing the Mr. Rogers theme song, making her the only person who could be even more lovable than Tom Hanks. 

Janelle continued to prove why she’s Hollywood’s most lovable weirdo with her next song, where the background dancers were each dressed as a character from one of the nominated films. When she tried to get all the random celebrities in the audience to sing along with her by holding a mic up to their face, it was everything. Some were into it, but most were really not. Which is weird, because you’d think these people would do anything for more attention and camera time. It reminded me of when I go to a restaurant and they sing “happy birthday” to me, which is only a little traumatic.

The Presenters

Steve Martin and Chris Rock presented the first award, which Steve says was a huge demotion. One of the best moments, though, was when Chris Rock made fun of Jeff Bezos (who was in attendance for some reason), saying Bezos “thought Marriage Story was a comedy,” and that “He’s so rich he got divorced and is still the richest man on Earth.”

Josh Gad was actually hilarious for roasting our healthcare system and John Travolta’s pronunciation of Idina Menzel. #NeverForgetAdeleNazeem

Shia LaBoeuf emerged from whatever cave he’s been living in to present the award for Best Live Action Short Film. In a touching moment, he shared the stage with his Peanut Butter Falcon costar, Zack Gottsagen, who has Down syndrome. You can tell that Shia and Zack really have a special bond, and their moment together warmed my cold, dead heart.

Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig were hilariously pissed off and wouldn’t tell anyone why when presenting the award for Best Costume Design, which made sense because Kristen came dressed as a giant menstrual pad. Their singing medley about best costume design was hilarious, and not just because it brought us one of the best memes of the night, Billie Eilish’s confused reaction to their impromptu rendition of “The Thong Song”.

Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus were all of us trying to pretend we know what cinematography actually is. “It’s like the person who knocks on my trailer door and tells me I have to get on set!”

Diane Keaton was on another planet when she presented Best Original Screenplay with Keanu Reeves, wearing not one, but two tweed coats and a wide-brimmed hat. Basically, she looked like Carmen San Diego but in black and white. She almost opened the envelope before even announcing the nominees, and then almost dropped the envelope announcing the winner. Diane, never change.

Rebel Wilson and James Corden dressed up as Cats characters saying “no one better than us understands the importance of good visual effects,” which was expert level shade. I also was way too captivated watching them hit the mic back and forth for like, three full minutes, pretending to be cats.

The Awards

Regina King presented the award for Best Supporting Actor, with Brad Pitt winning for Once Upon A Time In Hollywood, his first Oscar win. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy for Brad, but salty that Jen was not in attendance so we could have more memes of them holding hands. Like, what, did she have something better to do last night? Brad dedicated his speech to Quentin Tarantino, saying, “the film industry would be a darker place without you.” Which leads me to believe he hasn’t seen a Tarantino movie? Because they’re pretty f*cking dark.

Toy Story 4 won for Best Animated Movie, and while the millennial in me was thrilled about it, the part of my brain that uses logic was not. Let’s call a spade a spade: Toy Story 4 was an enjoyable movie, but it did not need to happen. Toy Story 3 was a perfect close-out to the series, and now that the fourth one has one an Oscar, Disney/Pixar are going to keep marring this otherwise perfect series by bringing us a fifth movie that nobody wants or needs.

Jojo Rabbit won for Best Adapted Screenplay, and you could tell he was so nervous up there that I wanted to give him a hug. As an indigenous person from New Zealand, Taika was one of the few bits of diversity among the writing and directing nominees this year, so it was great to see him take home an award.

Laura Dern won Best Supporting Actress for her role in Marriage Story, which has got to be the only time I’ve been upset about Laura Dern winning an award. Judging by Twitter’s reactions, I’m pretty sure I’m alone on this, but still. Justice for Florence! (As an aside, I guess this means I need to watch Marriage Story, which I’m reluctant to do because my first-person account of love and dating in 2020 is bleak enough as it is.)

Elton John and Bernie Taupin won for Best Original Song in Rocketman. The song itself is kind of forgettable, but no one is gonna complain about Elton John winning an Oscar. Actually, I’m sure the people behind Frozen II are gonna complain, but maybe they should focus on fixing the plot holes in their movie first.

Joaquin Phoenix won for Best Actor in Joker, and his acceptance speech was almost as confusing as Eminem’s performance (more on that in a sec). He went from artificially inseminating cows, to talking about how bad milk is, to somehow relating it to human rights? That sounds like something I dreamed up while high, but I swear it actually happened.

Renée Zellweger won her second Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Judy Garland, which really was incredible. Also incredible is Renée’s journey from a few years ago, when she resurfaced in Hollywood, and all people could talk about was that her face looked different. We love a comeback story.

And of course, last but not least, Parasite really cleaned up, winning Best Original Screenplay, Best International Film, Best Director, and finally, Best Picture. Is the Academy listening to everyone (and I mean everyone)’s calls for diversity? (Maybe not, because the women still got screwed.) But still, it’s something. Everyone in the audience was thrilled for them, meaning that for once, the Academy didn’t f*ck it up—except for when they tried to dim the lights on the Parasite crew’s acceptance speeches and the entire audience chanted until they put the lights back on and gave everyone their time. Look, if you let Joaquin Phoenix ramble on about artificially inseminating cows for seven minutes, you could give the Best Picture winners more than their 45 seconds.

Performances

I’m still not sure why Eminem came out to sing “Lose Yourself” in 2020, but I do know that I cheered out loud when it happened. It was our Shakira/J.Lo Halftime Show. I would kill to be a fly on the wall in that pitch meeting. The best part of the entire awards ceremony were all the confused faces they panned to in the audience.

Cynthia Erivo looked incredible, and almost like an Oscar, performing the song from Harriet. I’m a little salty she didn’t win for this song, just because she would’ve been the youngest person to ever EGOT, but who can really be mad about losing to Elton John?

Chrissy Metz showed up to sing “I’m Standing With You” from the movie Breakthrough, which I had never heard of until *checks watch* 12 hours ago. Turns out, Chrissy Metz can actually sing, but I’m not sure why she’s doing random movies about the power of Jesus. Girl, I know those This Is Us checks are nice, so take a break.

The performance of “Into The Unknown” from Frozen II was actually really cool, because they had Elsas from a bunch of different countries sing parts of the song in their own languages. This was also smart because it meant that Idina Menzel only really had to sing one verse. Last time she sang at the Oscars, it didn’t go super great, but this time was much better. See you back here in four years for Frozen 3! 

Elton John sang the original song from Rocketman, which, as I said, is kind of forgettable. I know that he was supposed to perform the song that was nominated, but I feel like he should’ve just said f*ck it and sang a medley of his hits. Give the people “Benny & The Jets”!!!

Billie Eilish showed up to sing “Yesterday” during the in memoriam segment, and she did a great job. Sadly, I was already falling asleep by the time they got to her, but that’s not her fault *glares at the Oscar producers*. I feel like the old white men who plan the Oscars saw her win all those Grammys, and were like “who’s that girl and how do we get her?” The Academy kind of f*cked up by not including Luke Perry in the tribute, especially considering that he had a small part in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. It felt rude, to say the least.

The 2020 Oscars managed to do the impossible and be even longer than last year, which means I’m going to need to go to bed at 8pm every night this week to make up for all the lost sleep. There were no big upsets or surprises this year (looking at you, Shape of Water), except for the fact that I didn’t really think the Academy would do the right thing and choose Parasite for Best Picture. But I’m glad they did! Overall, every win was pretty well-deserved, and there was nothing too controversial. Now just call me Bong Joon-ho, because I’m ready to drink tonight.

Images: Craig Sjodin / Getty; Giphy

‘Big Little Lies’ Recap: The Slap Heard ‘Round Monterey

We’re driving back up the PCH to Monterey tonight—let’s get into it. This recap was a day late mainly because I spent all of Sunday drinking $5 Cosmopolitans for pride, which means I spent all of Monday asking myself why did you do that do that do that to me?

Jack-O-Lantern

It’s Madeline’s turn to have a nightmare, which I guess makes sense cause a) murder and b) it’s apparently Halloween! I forgot that weather isn’t a thing in Monterey. She’s also now smoking, serving us big end of Grease Sandy Energy. On top of that, Renata is simultaneously planning her bankruptcy court hearing and also her daughter’s birthday. ¿Por qué no los dos?

Naturally, Mary Louise arrives with a cake and her chompers—in no way are those her real teeth, right? Uh oh, Mary Tyler Moore has a new Rhoda in town, and it’s M.L. who is moving into Jane’s building. Survey says she’s doing that to be closer to Ziggy and not cause it’s the only property in Monterey. Kind of like when Taylor Swift bought a house in Rhode Island to be closer to the Kennedys. Throwback! 

Giving Madeline a break, Celeste is now verbally sparring with Mary Louse until IT BECOMES PHYSICAL SPARRING WHAT IS HAPPENING. Celeste hits with a slap heard ’round the world after Mary Louise says she feels Jane wasn’t raped and Perry just was looking for anyone outside of their marriage. 

This scene of course ends with Madeline in her gorgeous kitchen, complaining to Ed about how people should be more considerate when planning parties (“we all have calendar apps on our f*cking phone”) and can I just say, preach?

Longing Looks At the Water: 2

In between scenes, we see Bonnie also staring at the water and Jane inviting her school yard crush to the disco party, an era he 1000% learned about during AP U.S. History last year. 

Celeste, Bonnie, Madeline, and Renata all have the same calendar. pic.twitter.com/s4igIkd7Jm

— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) July 1, 2019

All The Tense Coffee Dates

Mary Louise meets with Celeste and calls her unwell, expressing concerns about her grandchildren. I’m sorry, but is Celeste’s style inspiration Taylor Swift’s Red era with these whispy framed-bangs and coat? Mary Louise brings up that her husband left her and she had to learn how to cope—a fact that hmm…I’m not that sold on. 

Over at Madeline’s, she tries to plan a couple’s workshop while Ed is still giving us Sulking Kid Who’s Grounded. Chloe, still being a 28-year-old social media manager in a child’s body, makes an ‘opposites’ project for school where she says her mom is the opposite of a door because she’s unhinged. Snaps for Chloe and her future career on Thought Catalog. 

Bankruptcy Is So In Right Now

The assets are being drawn up to get put on the line. Renata is still giving us all the lines that would end up on T-Shirts for the Women’s March: “I’m self-made.” She then gets judged for getting botox, which, hey, not fair. On top of that, she needs to give up her Rolex and wedding ring right on the table — which I guess shows the practicality of belly rings in times like this. Impossible to see! And now their Tesla is traded for a taxi outside of the court house. Ouch.

Who Is This Theme Party For?

Amabella’s party is here and it’s disco themed, which I can’t imagine she picked. The moms have gone all out for this party, because when you’re 40 all you want to do is get ready for a theme party, apparently? While Renata is serving a disco bash, Mary Louise is planning on filing for guardianship of her grandkids—and making sure Celeste doesn’t have a lawyer to choose from to get her back. Back at Studio 54, Celeste and Bonnie are regretting the lie and saying Madeline is to blame for starting it. Very happy my major lies only including eating the rest of my roommate’s hummus and saying, “hmm no clue where it went.”

While they fight over gorgeous champagne flutes, we see Ammabella having a slow dance and her dress is… literally the same as Renata’s. This is truly some Gypsy Rose Lee sh*t up in here, but I guess the Roman Empire was having a BOGO deal. Ugh, it’s hard to see Renata addressing how all of this will affect her daughter—and can I just say F*CK GORDON. 

Jane is dancing with her date, which is kind of weird because the dance floor is like, only the kids—but then again, he prob is in the same history class as most of them. She’s happy, but then the second they get a little closer, she gets a flashback to the night of her attack. 

Bonnie gets #ConfrontedOnTheDanceFloor by her mom, with her mom saying she doesn’t like the energy around her. Raise your hand if you have gone up to one of your friends at 2:30 AM after a vodka Redbull and said the exact same thing. 

Nathan and Ed then do what any man would, which is fight in ’70s costumes at a child’s birthday party. THIS IS ABOUT HAPPINESS!! Coincidentally, that’s exactly what I shout at my brunch waiter when they say the two hours of the unlimited option is over. 

No eight-year-old’s birthday party is complete without a disco dance show by who I can only imagine is Boyz II Monterey. They’re setting the mood for Bonnie and Ed, though. 

Jane opens up to her boy about her past trauma, and he is super supportive of her…which only makes me feel like he can’t be trusted, because this is Big Little Lies

Alexa, Play ‘Fallingwater’

Bonnie’s mom has flashes of water visions and then faints. We’re at the hospital, and it turns out Elizabeth had a stroke, and we find out that the last thing she saw before were flashes of water. 

Madeline and Ed are home, and he’s drinking the classic Sad Boi Night Cap: an IPA. Jane and Celeste are now out at a bar, and I do love how their bond has been strengthened. Celeste stays for another drink alone, cause she’s a girl after my own heart. 

Back at the hospital, Bonnie is looking over her mother as her dad asks if she said anything to her mom to induce her stroke—nice dad! 

Mary Louise is now eating stretchy cheese pizza that straight up looks like it’s from Chuck-E-Cheese—a place that Meryl Streep 200% doesn’t know exists. Honestly, she looks like a mess right now too. Why did the wardrobe department decide to give her a J.Jill cardigan, but then a men’s Old Navy top?

Jane goes to meet Bonnie at the hospital, which is perfect because she caught her just as she was about to rip into the detective on their case. Does this detective have anything else to do but walk around Monterey drinking coffee? Dream job TBH. 

Ambien Cool, Not All Uncool

Mary Louise brings the kids home first thing in the AM and Celeste seems…off. At first you can’t tell if she’s high, drunk, or sick (I can relate to that every Sunday morning), until you realize that she definitely took another Ambien. She’s being very Countess LuAnn, owning it! I’m happy Heather Thomson wasn’t in their house because OH YEAH, CELESTE TOOK THE BARTENDER HOME. Wow that might have been one of the most awkward scenes in history, mixed in with a hot af flashbacks of them hooking up. 

She confesses to Madeline that she did in fact take Ambien and didn’t remember he was in the house, which is so scary. Celeste, just try melatonin or chamomile tea, please. Madeline is the true MVP of friends because her first response was “she shouldn’t have dropped the kids off that early, you have your own life.” And just like clockwork, Mary Louise reappears. 

She confronts Celeste about how she feels she is a mess and shouldn’t be watching over the kids. This is going to get messy. Yeah, they’re at risk with Celeste, but were totally just fine with their abusive father. 

Renata’s Sweater Is Off The Deep End

What would happen if Ann Taylor had a one-night stand with Hot Topic and then found its way to California? The answer is Renata’s sweater. What is happening here? I guess when she tried to give this one to the bankruptcy court they were like… actually you can keep that. They’re sharing avocado toast (who shares toast?) and catching up about Celeste when, you guessed it! Our detective is back, drinking coffee, and just…theorizing! Nancy Drew could never be this caffeinated. 

Jane then goes to see Mary Louise because she’s worried that she’s just being a Pokémon Grandma, catching them all. She calms her down by voicing concerns about Celeste, which Jane pauses to consider. Instead of borrowing sugar from your neighbor in Monterey, you borrow theories about your friends. Kinda into it. 

THE THERAPIST IS HERE!! And she’s assuring Celeste that she has doctor-patient confidentiality. Of course the true star of this show would have her back. 

Elizabeth finally wakes up and we see that she has a vision of Bonnie killing herself in the ocean, which, sadly,  could definitely be where this season is headed. Hopefully she’ll be able to help her and they can all go to another yoga retreat. Until next week! 

Images: HBO; Giphy (4); bobbyfinger / Twitter

If The ‘Big Little Lies’ Characters Had Dating App Profiles

This Sunday marks the return of Big Little Lies, and I haven’t been more excited for a TV show since…maybe ever? Sorry Game of Thrones fans, but I never got on that bandwagon. It’s been two years since we last got a glimpse into the lives of the ladies of Monterey, and I’m sure there will be plenty more drama on season two.

Until then, let’s have a little fun and imagine what the ladies of Big Little Lies might put in their Ship bios. If nothing else, we know they’d all have a ~killer~ crew to find matches for them.

Renata

Boss lady who doesn’t take no for an answer. I wear the pants in the relationship, but lately I’m in the mood to let my hair down a little bit. My daughter Amabella will always be my #1, but maybe you can be #2. If you’re not looking for something serious, step aside, because I take everything seriously.

Celeste

Widow who’s ready to find the right guy for her and her twin boys. I’ve been hurt in the past, but now I’m taking my happiness into my own hands. Looking for someone for quiet moments on the deck, great dinner parties with friends, and most of all, genuine warmth and kindness. Just be prepared to deal with my mother-in-law.

Madeline

One part showtunes, one part classic rock. Always up for coffee and gossip, so be careful with your secrets around me. That could be a strength or a weakness, up to you to figure it out. Oh, and if your last name doesn’t start with M, don’t bother. I’ve gotten too far in life to mess up my monogram now. I always know what I want, and I almost always get it.

Jane

Life is always unexpected, but there’s nothing good music and a long run on the beach can’t make better. I’ve lived here for a while now, but sometimes I still feel like the new girl in town. My little man and I are a package deal, so if that doesn’t work for you, don’t waste my time.

Bonnie

Life is too short to be stressed. Always in search of balance, purpose, and the best kombucha. I spend much of my time outside, because Mother Nature has blessed us with too many gifts to let them go to waste. If you don’t compost, we probably aren’t a good fit. If we match, message me with your favorite yoga pose, and maybe I’ll tell you mine.

Sadly, we have to wait a few more days to find out what happens on the new season of Big Little Lies, but you can download Ship right now and start putting your crew together. You probably haven’t committed murder together, but you still know all their secrets. If the ladies of Monterey can find happiness, what are you waiting for? Brb, going to go rewatch all of season 1 to make sure I didn’t forget anything important.

Images: Shutterstock; Giphy (5)

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