Brands really hopped on the feminism train this year after realizing that women 1) like to be treated like people and 2) like to buy shit. It’s insane that it’s taken them this long to suss that out, but like whatever, welcome to the club. We wear pink if we feel like it and are fighting for paid maternity leave.
But as you can imagine some brands aren’t quite nailing it as they work to lasso the elusive Gloria Steinem with an unlimited Amex credit card demo. Ultimately feminists just want equal pay and for our bosses to not whip their dicks out on our lunch breaks. Here’s what brands are giving us instead.
DORITOS
This week, Doritos gave women what they’ve never asked for: a less crunchy and mess chip. Honestly, the only reason you need those is so your roommate doesn’t hear you eating all of their chips and that sort of thievery knows no gender.
FEMALE COLONEL SANDERS
Huge news, fried chicken is now being served at Judy Chicago’s dinner table. KFC announced in a #feminismwin that Reba McEntire would be the first female Colonel Sanders. Unfortunately, what KFC doesn’t know is that the spokesperson for their chicken has never once influenced how much of it I will drunkenly eat.
BIC PENS FOR HER
A few years back Bic released pens for women, and thank god because we had been filling out those voting ballots since we got the right to vote with lipstick for 92 years!
BEER FOR WOMEN
A brewery in the Czech Republic unveiled a beer for women this past summer. What was getting me fucked up all those years before they released that? Was I just drunk off of my own rage against the patriarchy? Anyways, cheers to that bullshit!
EARPLUGS FOR GIRLS
I’m guessing that earplugs for women filter out all of the dirty words we aren’t supposed to hear like “instructions on how to ask your boss for a promotion.”
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Wow, another great day to be a woman/alive. Doritos is making a new version of their product just for women, so it looks like the Women’s March worked. Wtf does this even mean? Tysm for asking. In an interview with Freakonomics, Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi discussed the ways in which gender differences are influencing new developments for their products. She suggested that women don’t like when their chips crunch too loud, or when the flavoring gets on their fingers, because it’s not ladylike to lick your fingers in public or whatever. So basically Doritos is answering all of our prayers by making a chip that magically doesn’t crunch or get shit all over your fingers. Cool.
I mean, I guess it might be true that *some* women prefer not to crunch too loudly or to have to suck their fingers in front of creepy dudes in public, but if I were to take a guess on what *most* women want, I would land on equal pay, being treated as humans, and not being told how to fucking act all the time. Just a shot in the dark there.
I’ll also point out that eating loudly and indulging in the “finger-licking-good” culture are things women are told we *have* to avoid because of annoying gender norms. It’s not like we have a passion for not being noticed when we eat. Or speak. Or breathe. Or do literally anything. These chips are literally just reinforcing old norms and stereotypes that we are trying to deconstruct and break free from. It’s all backwards.
Freakonomics: What do you think it means to be a woman in today’s society?
Doritos: Mostly just having your period and not making any noise when you eat chips. Final answer.
Anyway, women took to Twitter to speak their minds on the issue, because at least they’re still letting us do that.
women: give us equal pay
the world: look, a KFC female colonel!
women: we said equal pay
the world: doritos won't crunch anymore!!!
women: EQUAL PA-
the world: have you tried "BIC PENS FOR HER"??— Ali Vingiano (@alivingiano) February 5, 2018
What if Lady Doritos are just regular Doritos but when a woman buys a bag she only gets 77% of the chips a guy would.#LadyDoritos
— Geraldine (@everywhereist) February 6, 2018
The only quiet chips are stale chips. This Tuesday I’m voting #no on #ladychips
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 6, 2018
Now, PepsiCo is saying that the “reporting on a specific type of Doritos product for women” is inaccurate, so it’s probs safe to say that these lady Doritos might not ever see the light of day due to the backlash. One step forward, twelve steps back, I suppose.
Still, I can’t wait to tell my future nieces about the long and strenuous fight for Lady Doritos. Whatever, I’m getting Cheetos.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
Images: Giphy, Twitter
