I know at this point you’re probably sick of me/your mom/your grandmother/your coworkers/me again talking about Kylie Jenner. Trust, I am too. Yet here we are. Talking about Kylie Jenner has become an inescapable feat because Kylie Jenner is the ubiquitous presence we never asked for, but kind of 100 percent deserve. She’s the reality star version of Donald Trump. Oh wait…
Anyway, today I’m here to hit you with a the hard-hitting questions regarding Juvederm’s best client. In light of a recent interview she had with Violet Grey, it’s come to my attention that we might be looking at Kylie Jenner in all the wrong ways. And no, I’m not insinuating that we look less at her ass or her insane lips because that would be pretty tough and I don’t believe in miracles or straining my eyes.
In this groundbreaking interview, Kylizzle “opened up” about her life, i.e. talked about her Lip Kits and danced around subjects that don’t mean shit, i.e. said nothing that hasn’t already been said in a previous interview. There have been countless Kylie Jenner magazine interviews, tons of social media coverage of the girl (self-directed), and hours and hours of footage of her life—yet, what do we really know about Kylie Jenner? Almost nothing. I really couldn’t tell you much about her, even though I—for some reason I can’t totally understand—despise this 19-year-old woman whom I’ve never met.
But, how can I—and we—really hate someone we don’t know? And where has that hate gotten us? It’s only fueled more goddamn Kylie Jenner. Think of it this way: Kylie Jenner is Tinkerbell and we are the claps.*
*Not to be confused with the clap. Don’t be gross.
Hate her or really hate her, Kylie Jenner obviously makes a fuck ton of money. She’s the second richest Kardashian and the only teenager in Forbes‘s 2017 “30 under 30.” There’s no denying the insane amount of social media followers and immeasurable influence Kylie has on the zeitgeist. (By zeitgeist I mostly mean injection world.) But did all of this really happen because Kylie Jenner willed it to? Or did she just get lucky by being born into the Jenner clan? Does she actually work hard? Does she actually work at all? And if so, why do none of us respect her business and fame in the same way we respect and equally fear Bethenny Frankel’s?
In other words, is Kylie Jenner successful because we hate her or do we hate her because she’s successful?
Here, we use the highlights of the aforementioned interview to further our analysis.
1. Kylie, saying the following profound thing: “Social media is everything to me. It can also be a negative space for celebrities. But what would we do without it?”
IDK READ A BOOK?
2. Kylie, explaining her business process: “I always knew I wanted to create my own lipstick. I said, ‘We need to trademark Kylie Lip Kit’—that was what I wanted to call it.”
A real Alexander Graham Bell, folks.
3. Kylie, explaining the perils of having thin lips: “I was obsessed with lips in general, and with making my lips bigger before I got them injected.”
No way….I am shocked. SHOCKED.
4. Kylie, explaining the basic concept of demand: “If I look in my bag and there’s no lipstick, I’m like, ‘What am I going to do with no lipstick?’ I NEED lipstick.”
I need a fucking glass of wine right now, but I’m not about to go and make a whole Pinot line. What is this logic, besides privileged?
5. Lastly, the article claims that “all three women” (that’s Kris Jenner, Kylie’s business partner, and apparently Kylie) “agree that the key to Jenner’s success is her authenticity.”
Literally no one—not even Kris Jenner—would be able to look you in the eyes and claim that Kylie’s gotten to where she is because of her AUTHENTICITY. And Kris is a woman who acted like her husband didn’t want to change genders for 20 years. In other words, she’s a v good actress.
Kylie Jenner doesn’t have authenticity because to have authenticity you have to show that you have a soul and/or a personality. Or at least fake one for your fans. But if all you can talk about is your lips, your supposed work ethic, and how hard it is to be in the spotlight, then you are not being authentic. Who is Kylie Jenner? Show us who you are Kylie! Stop hiding!
Original inquiry: Is Kylie Jenner successful because we hate her or do we hate her because she’s successful?
Final Verdict: Not applicable. We don’t hate Kylie Jenner. We don’t even know who Kylie Jenner is.*
*I may or may not be very high right now, so alternate theories include but are not limited to: We hate Kylie Jenner because she’s annoying and not a good lip-syncer. Or we hate Kylie Jenner because hating people is fun, despite what your wet blanket of a mom told you.
East Coast betches, ready your credit cards. Kylie Jenner’s next pop-up shop will be in NYC and I, for one, am stoked because I’m still reeling from the FOMO of missing the first one.
The teenager/winner of Miss Narcissism 2016 (runners up: Mariah Carey and sister Kim K) announced the location of her next pop-up shop on Snapchat, because of course she did. The first one opened in Los Angeles’s Westfield Topanga back in December, and people predictably lost their shit over the chance to stand in a real, physical line for a bajillion hours instead of trying to order lip kits online like a sane person. Either way, the outcome is the same: literally everything is sold out, please try again later.
So basically, see you at the NYC pop-up shop. I’ll be the one being forcibly escorted out for poking someone in the eye over the last Mary Jo K lip kit.