Gather round, y’all, for our regularly scheduled “Is Kylie Jenner pregnant ?” Well, this week’s evidence is pretty indisputable, and at this point it’s getting pretty fucking annoying that I have to continue to report on all these conspiracy theories because Kris won’t fucking confirm what we all have known for months. *Takes deep, calming breaths* I guess the Kardashians did some sort of advertisement for Calvin Klein, and an hour ago (at the time I am writing this), Kris Jenner regrammed the ad. And in case you were still looking for evidence to the contrary, this picture all but puts the speculation to bed. Take a look below.
Okay, so on a very basic level, all the Kardashian/Jenner sisters are baring their stomachs, except for Kylie, who is legit swaddled in a blanket. Like, come on. There were a million less obvious ways they could have done this, but they literally covered up every inch of Kylie from the chest down. What more proof do you need? Even Khloé, who we know for sure is pregnant, is showing her stomach. If they cared at all about keeping Kylie’s pregnancy a secret, couldn’t they just have photoshopped her baby bump out? Is that how it works? Graphic designers, feel free to leave your opinions in the comments section.
But wait, there’s more. Notice the hand placement in the photo. Every pregnant Kardashian sister has her hand on her stomach. Kim does. Khloé does. Now LOOK AT KYLIE AND KHLOE’S HANDS. Khloé is holding Kylie’s hand, and her arm is resting over Kylie’s baby bump. I’m saying it now: Khloé is confirming Kylie’s pregnancy.
I rest my case.
Either Kylie Jenner is trolling us, or this bitch is really pregnant. Okay, given what I know about the Kardashian-Jenner family and their unquenchable thirst for publicity, both possibilities could certainly be true. At the same time, no less. Regardless, Kylie is definitely playing into the pregnancy rumors, because now people are all up in arms over her Snap story from Friday night, where she lip syncs changes camera angles with a song playing in the background (as she does) and captioned it “Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby”. So you can see where the internet—or should I say, the dark corners of the internet that are still overanalyzing Kylie Jenner’s every move—collectively went nuts.
Watch the offending Snap story for yourself, and then judge.
I’m basically a professional conspiracy theorist at this point (I’m like, one wrong Youtube video away from becoming a Sovereign Citizen, probably), but even I think this is a streeeetch. Number one, this is a song. Number two, “baby” could mean anything. It could be a term of endearment directed at Travis Scott. Or it could be directed at nobody in particular. It could also very easily mean nothing, because like I said, this is a song. Did it mean anything when Kylie would Snapchat “I hear you talkin’ bout ‘we’ a lot, oh you speak French now”? Other than pointing to the fact that she wanted to fuck Partynextdoor, no. So why should we ascribe any meaning to another Kylie lip synching Snapchat just because there are rumors she’s pregnant? Oh right, because this is the internet and that’s what people do here.
I honestly don’t think this is that deep, and you all can quote me on that.
In a world where three Kardashian sisters are pregnant at the same time (reportedly), one starts to wonder: Am I pregnant? Am I a member of this pregnancy pact too? When will Kris break the news to TMZ? Obviously, you have to be prepared so you know when to act like your pregnancy reports don’t exist and go about your normal life while you watch everyone torturing themselves trying to figure out if the news is true. If the past week has taught us anything, it is that there is no greater power than a pregnant Kardashian/Jenner. So, are you pregnant too? Let’s find out:
1. What letter does your first name start with?
a. K
B. T
c. Neither of those ugly letters
2. Does your mom(ager) desperately want a grandchild from you?
a. Ugh yes
B. Probably but she gave up on that for me long ago hahahhcrying
c. Nope, she wants me to focus on my career because she’s a 21st century lady/that bitch knows she can’t tell me what to do
3. Pick an animal
a. Chicken
b. Black lab
c. My Gucci fur slides
4. How do you handle stress?
a. Spend three hours trying to take a good selfie until I cry myself to sleep
B. Work out until I pass out, you know how it is!
c. Idk I just remind myself that I literally don’t care at all
5. Of these names, which is your favorite for your (potential) baby? Yes, you have to choose.
a. Krystal
b. Lebron
c. Vegan
6. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
a. Where I am right now haha oops! Got a little carried away!
b. In Fergie’s “M.I.L.F. $ Part 2” music video
c. Far, far away from all the bullshit
If you got mostly A’s: Yup, you’re definitely pregnant. Bible.
As if you aren’t the center of attention often enough, you are now pregnant and can milk this (haha) for a very long time. Rub my feet! Tell my I’m pretty! Buy my lip kits! This is going to be a beautiful journey for you and a fiery pit of hell for your mom and friends. Enjoy it while it lasts, because once that baby is out it’s only a matter of time (20 years) before they shock the world with a pregnancy of their own.
If you got mostly B’s: Bitch, you might be!
You’re not NOT pregnant… you should definitely pee on a stick ASAP. You’ve been ready for this moment for years, so if it’s finally here, congrats! You and whoever knocked you up should be very happy. Your friends and family will be overjoyed with the news and will be by your side every step of the way. And if that First Response responds with “nah, you’re just bloated,” we’re sorry. Sorry that you’re bloated, sorry that you’re not pregnant, and sorry for repeating it now. It’s nothing you haven’t dealt with before, though! Way harsh, Tai? Whatever. Better luck next time.
If you got mostly C’s: Hell no, skinny bitch, your crimson flow is still a’coming
Take a deep sigh of relief, you are not pregnant. At least, not this time. Keep on looking the hottest you ever have in your life; there’s no baby bump forming inside you. This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, though. Make sure your mom or gold-digging boy toy hasn’t switched out your birth control with Smarties. Something weird is going on in your inner circle, and you don’t want to get roped into that mess. Beware of the plastics.
Ten years later, the Kardashians still know exactly how to give us fucking whiplash. Just as we were figuring out how to cope with the news of Kylie’s pregnancy, news broke yesterday afternoon that Khloé is also expecting a child. This one is a little less surprising, considering Khloé has talked about wanting a baby for like, 75 years and she’s not legally a minor, but still, it’s a lot to process.
The father is of course Tristan Thompson, whom Khloé must love a lot because she literally spends half her time in Cleveland now. Like, that’s fucking commitment. She’s probably pretty pissed that Kylie stole her thunder by getting pregnant at the same time, but Khloé has a lot of practice getting overlooked and ignored next to her sisters.
We’re excited for Khloé, but we have some important theories about what the fuck is going on in Calabasas right now.
1. Triple Surrogates
We all know Kim is having a baby via surrogate, but we have no idea who the mystery surrogate is. But what if she wanted choices? Maybe she got Kylie, Khloé, and a third rando woman pregnant, and then she’ll choose the best baby in some kind of savage lottery. “Sorry Kylie, but your baby is ugly, so you have to raise it now.”
1a. Triplet Surrogates
No, I didn’t just type the same thing twice, and you didn’t just have a seizure. God, what has reading comprehension in this country come to? Anyway, what if Kim is not farming three babies to ultimately choose the hottest one, but rather, TRIPLET SURROGATES? What if Kim purposefully wants to have triplets so she can upstage Beyoncé’s twins? BOOM. I think I’m onto something.
2. Mother Knows Best
As the world’s top momager, it’s Kris Jenner’s job to make sure her family stays interesting enough for reality TV. Maybe she got desperate and switched out the family birth control for Tic Tacs. This honestly doesn’t even seem far-fetched. The devil works, but Kris Jenner works harder.
3. Pregnancy Pacts
Remember like 10 years ago, when Juno came out and Republicans everywhere were like, terrified that teens were going to make pregnancy pacts? That never really happened outside of that one high school in Massachusetts and Law & Order: SVU, but Kylie and Khloé definitely could’ve decided together that this would be their year to make it happen. Add Kim’s surrogate to the mix and this seems too crazy to be a coincidence.
4. It’s All A Hoax
Climate change isn’t a hoax, but these pregnancies might be. Technically we still haven’t gotten official confirmation on any of it, so maybe it’s all an elaborate prank they’re all playing on Kris that will be unveiled in six months on Keeping Up. We don’t want this to be true, but really nothing would surprise us anymore.
5. Something In The Water
Maybe Ryan Seacrest and Kris have collaborated to create some new chemical pregnancy compound that they’ve been filtering into the Calabasas water. Kylie and Khloé were the clinical trial, and now that it works, they’re going to take over the world selling their pregnancy juice. They can call it Kim-bucha and charge $13 a bottle at Whole Foods.
6. Making Kendall Jealous
Maybe the rest of the sisters have finally come to terms with the fact that Kendall will always be the skinniest one, so they’re trying a different tactic to make her jealous. After all, now everyone else, including Rob, will have a baby of their own, so Kenny will probably feel pretty left out. Whatever, she’s always had more common sense than Kylie.
