Nothing says more about my personality than a dark, vampy lip. I mean, do I own other lip colors? Yes. But do those other colors accurately describe my cold, dead heart? Fuckkk no. That’s not to say that I don’t buy a shit ton of lip products in every shade of the rainbow. I will buy anything that any celebrity only slightly endorses because I am a garbage human. And while I do love throwing my hard earned money at people who make millions of dollars by taking selfies for Instagram with, like, a bottle of Sugar Bear Hair somewhere in a very corner of the frame *cough* KYLIE *cough*, I also value being able to eat and afford rent. So for those of you who want to look good AND avoid living in a cardboard box, here are 8 lip products that are better than Kylie Lip Kits (a bold statement, I know).
BEST PLUMPING LIP PRODUCT
It’s a hard world out there for a girl working with the lips she was born with. Take it from me, someone who is 100 percent silicone- and filler-free, and also someone who does not have Instagram sponsors lining up for me to pimp out their products. Coincidence? I don’t fucking think so. So thank god for Soap & Glory’s Sexy Mother Pucker Lip Gloss. We’ve repped this shit before but that’s because it fucking works. I’m not saying using this product will give you an Instagram ad endorsement deal, but I’m also saying it won’t give you an Instagram ad endorsement deal. Seriously. It won’t. But it will make your lips
rival somewhat resemble that of a Kardashian’s and that’s really all I ask for in this life.
BEST LONG LASTING LIPSTICK
There’s not a lot that can outlast me when I’m blackout except maybe the texts I sent my ex last night. But Rimmel London’s Provocalips 16 Hour Kiss Proof Lipcolor certainly gives me and my bad decision-making skills a run for my money. This shit could last through a nuclear bomb or, conversely, six vodka sodas, a drunken makeout session with the bro I matched with on Bumble, and an unattractive amount of Joe’s Pizza. Give or take. What it won’t outlast? A night in your bed. Expect to wake up with this shit all over your face but, hey, at least you have flawless lips in your Insta story.
BEST MATTE & LIP CREAM
NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream is the beauty product that I can only imagine keeps Kris Jenner up at night. Literally everyone is saying that this shit is just like Kylie’s Lip Kits, but instead of risking your life at a pop-up shop or camping out in front of your laptop to spend the rest of your rent check on blue fucking lipstick that you will never ever wear, you can grab a tube of NYX for a cool $5.99 at any local CVS or Ulta or whatever. Idk if you can fake that kind of good publicity, Kris.
Seriously though, this product is winning at life and that’s why it’s the best matte and lip cream. It’s got highly pigmented colors and a long-lasting finish, plus it glides on better than Demario sliding into Rachel’s DMs. Sorry, Kylizzle, you may not want to cross sex tape off your list of potential business ventures just yet.
BEST LIP GLOSS
A few weeks ago someone was feeling v nostalgic at The W and gave Paris Hilton a voice to tell everyone that not only did she create the Kardashians but also literally everything we like wearing. According to Paris the ‘90s trend is officially over and the ‘00s are back in. So I guess I’ll just go dig my Juicy tracksuit out of storage now. Can someone please tell the very condescending girl at Plato’s Closet that this was never out of style to begin with?? But now that the ‘00s are back and better than ever so too is lip gloss and you definitely need to try L’Oréal Paris Infallible 6HR Never-Fail Lip Gloss. At $11 is v cheap and it’ll low-key make you look like Rachel Lindsay on night one of The Bachelorette before she started wondering why she put being a lawyer on hold in favor of being courted by a grown man who refers to himself as “whaboom.”
BEST NUDE LIPS
Leave it to a model to come up with the best nudes. And just to clarify, I’m not talking about the kind of nudes they’re sending Leo rn in an attempt to become his
next serious girlfriend a girl he’ll date until she ages out turns 25. I’m talking about lip shades. And if you thought I wouldn’t make a joke about models and nudes because that’s kind of seemed like low-hanging fruit just there, then you don’t know me at all. ANYWAY, Rimmel London’s Kate Moss Nude Collection is the best in the game if you’re looking for a nude lip color. It has a semi-matte finish, but it’s also v hydrating and you’ll find your perfect shade every goddamn time.
BEST DAY TO NIGHT
If you know anything about me it’s that my transformation from office professional to Happy Hour Hoe is something that should legit be listed under the “skills” section of my resume. And E.L.F Day to Night Lipstick Duo is def being added to that transformation process ASAP. It’s a dual-ended lipstick, with one end a work appropriate day shade and the other end a bolder color for night time shenanigans. The velvety satin formula is enriched with Shea and Vitamins A, C, and E to keep your lips nourished and hydrated throughout all the shit you’re bound to put them through. But I care less about that and more about the fact that I can buy two lip products for the price of one because I’m just a cheap asshole at heart.
HONORABLE MENTION: Milani Color Statement Lipstick
You’ll recognize this product because it looks sketchy AF and, even though online it says it costs $5.99, I swear I’ve never paid more than $2 for this shit. Whether that’s from me and my great bargaining skills with the cashier at CVS or because this product is legit never marked at full price is neither here nor there. Just know that Milani will save your life work in a pinch and plus they have sooo many dark wine colors that speak to my soul.
I may be a professional Kylie Jenner hater, but damn do I love me some lip kits. They come in cute colors (and some not-so cute colors—lookin’ at you, Skylie). They stay on for-fucking-ever. They’re pretty good quality for the price, even if the liner never does sharpen back to its original pointy-ness. But no more. I, Sgt. Olivia Betchson (my real name) will never again purchase a Kylie Lip Kit because of a new discovery that proves Kylie’s been deceiving us, her
loyal fans paying customers, this entire time. Strap on your fucking seat belts, because this scandal is bigger than Fyre Festival. Possibly even bigger than Watergate. Are you ready?
Kylie doesn’t use her arm for her swatches. That’s right, every time you’ve seen a new Instagram or Snapchat announcing Kylie’s new colors with those famous swatches all the way down her arm? IT WASN’T KYLIE’S ARM. The betrayal. The humanity! You think you know a person and their arm, and then you find out you’ve been totally played the entire time. How can I trust a makeup product when that product’s own founder won’t test it on their skin? And is that why all the lip kits I ordered after that buy one, get one half off sale looked way darker in person than they looked in the swatches? IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!
I know what you’re thinking, because I’m thinking it too:
Can I get a refund? Then whose arm is it?? Her housekeeper. “She has the best arm for swatches,” Kylie says. What does that mean? Does she have the perfect complexion that’s somehow translatable to all skin tones? A completely hairless arm? Not even! “She’s so nice and just sits there and has her arm ready and lets me do my thing.” So… all it takes to be Kylie’s arm swatch model is the ability to sit still for the length of time it takes to make a Snapchat—about 10 seconds. Good to know… *furiously updates resume*
I think I’m not at all overreacting when I say that if Kylie’s willing to deceive us about who’s modeling her swatches, what else is she lying to us about? Can we really trust her or her makeup products ever again? Truthfully, you all do what you want, but personally? I’m not ready to get hurt again. I’ll be boycotting all of Kylie’s products until future notice. This has everything to do with this lip kit revelation, and nothing to do with the fact that I’m currently broke.
East Coast betches, ready your credit cards. Kylie Jenner’s next pop-up shop will be in NYC and I, for one, am stoked because I’m still reeling from the FOMO of missing the first one.
The teenager/winner of Miss Narcissism 2016 (runners up: Mariah Carey and sister Kim K) announced the location of her next pop-up shop on Snapchat, because of course she did. The first one opened in Los Angeles’s Westfield Topanga back in December, and people predictably lost their shit over the chance to stand in a real, physical line for a bajillion hours instead of trying to order lip kits online like a sane person. Either way, the outcome is the same: literally everything is sold out, please try again later.
So basically, see you at the NYC pop-up shop. I’ll be the one being forcibly escorted out for poking someone in the eye over the last Mary Jo K lip kit.