It’s a dark and
stormi stormy day in NYC. They’ve forced me to come to work for the fifth day in a row, and I just ventured out into the bomb cyclone to get a salad that was most definitely not worth it. Things are looking bleak. So, imagine my delight when I realized Kylie Jenner sensed my distress and blessed us with the first full length photos of baby Stormi Webster. YESSSS. Let’s break down these latest Stormi pics. My day, it has been saved.
First, we can officially confirm Kylie did indeed give birth to an entire child. I was concerned after seeing her first photos, since we could only see the top half. I guess it’s the most Instagrammable half? Either that or Stormi has such a tiny butt it will bring shame down on the entire Kardashian family.
With that out of the way, I feel the desperate need to point out the talons on our young mother. Look, on one (literal) hand I appreciate that she’s not even pretending like she’ll ever change a diaper in her life. Much like other (albeit childless) girls her age, Kylie is not about that diaper life. On the other hand, isn’t she concerned about impaling the child? I’m afraid to breathe wrong around my friend’s babies lest I accidentally kill them, and my fingernails are not even carefully sharpened into little weapons. Seems dangerous.
Let’s also examine the outfits going on here. I give Stormi’s jumper two enthusiastic thumbs up. Looks comfy, love the ears, great muted color palette. I’m here for it. Yo Pottery Barn Kids, can you make that in my size?! Oh, wait, it’s custom couture you say? Fuck this kid.
I don’t quite understand what’s going on with Kylie’s look, though. I mean, props to her for looking so good one month after baby. I have zero children and one very expensive membership to my local barre studio and I only look like that on the vision board I hide in my closet. But seriously, what is that pattern on her sweatsuit? Is it leaves? Is it more fucking butterflies? Are those sticks? I hope to never know. And finally, I take issue with Kylie’s sneakers. Are those orthotic-looking lumps really going to be cool now? The world does not need the micro-sunglasses her family is pimping out, and it certainly does not need my grandma’s sneakers. I’m not even kidding, my Nana really was wearing these shoes the last time escaped from her nursing home.
Even though Kylie was extremely private during her pregnancy, which I’m sure was because she wanted to keep this special time to herself and not at all about building hype and anticipation, I doubt she’ll be able to keep it up much longer. In the month since giving birth, Kylie has already
exploited her child for her own financial gain released a makeup collection inspired by Stormi, and now she’s posted these pictures. I have a feeling this is the beginning of Stormi’s official publicity rollout. What do we think is next? I have money on a Stormi-inspired clothing line, a modeling campaign, and baby lip injections with it all culminating in the arranged marriage to adorable baby mogul Asahd Khaled.
Images: Kylie Jenner / Instagram; Giphy (3)
Just when I thought this would be the week that I stopped getting flagged by IT for searching inappropriate content on my work computer during work hours, TMZ dropped a photo this morning of a very pregnant Kylie Jenner. And you bet your ass I will be using this airtight defense when I inevitably get called into HR to talk about this.
That’s right, fam, THIS IS NOT A DRILL. (Apparently all the other times we’ve said “this is not a drill” were, in fact, drills. Stay woke.) There is now, supposedly, actual photographic evidence that Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Or that she’s wearing an oversized sweatshirt out in public, whichever conspiracy theory you choose to subscribe to at this moment.
The photo TMZ released features Kylie out and about with BFF Jordyn Woods and the woman who sabotaged her birth control pills her mother, Kris Jenner. The three were spotted touring a construction site (without safety equipment or hardhats which is like, slightly worrying). The site is probs going to be a house for Kylie to begin filming her own E! show her totally wholesome, quiet life as a new mom with proud-to-soon-be-daddy and lean enthusiast, Travis Scott. According to our investigatory journalism skills and TMZ, Kylie and Travis are expecting a girl to add to the brood of children, rappers, and talent-less Kardashians slowing spilling into what remains of California around February.
There’s also a video of Kylie from this same outing that shows her bump. View the evidence here:
Kylie Jenner Surfaces with First Full-On Baby Bump Pic and Video https://t.co/gGYpcvda2T
— TMZ (@TMZ) January 25, 2018
This is the first we’ve seen of Kylie from the lip injections down since September, and I just don’t know what to think here. The video is shaky evidence at best. Literally. I’m not sure who was filming this shit, but I’m getting vertigo just from watching this. Then there’s the matter of the picture, which tbh makes her look less like she’s 8 months pregnant and more like she knew she was going to a CiCi’s to gorge on their pizza lunch special. Live your truth, Ky.
Whatever the case, I will be bringing up this historic event with my therapist because, yes, Kylie’s supposed pregnancy has driven me to seek psychiatric help. I’d like to thank God for making this all possible, TMZ for their incredible dedication to ruining people’s lives finding the truth, and, of course, the Kardashians, for staying relevant despite a clear lack of morals or common sense.
Gather round, y’all, for our regularly scheduled “Is Kylie Jenner pregnant ?” Well, this week’s evidence is pretty indisputable, and at this point it’s getting pretty fucking annoying that I have to continue to report on all these conspiracy theories because Kris won’t fucking confirm what we all have known for months. *Takes deep, calming breaths* I guess the Kardashians did some sort of advertisement for Calvin Klein, and an hour ago (at the time I am writing this), Kris Jenner regrammed the ad. And in case you were still looking for evidence to the contrary, this picture all but puts the speculation to bed. Take a look below.
Okay, so on a very basic level, all the Kardashian/Jenner sisters are baring their stomachs, except for Kylie, who is legit swaddled in a blanket. Like, come on. There were a million less obvious ways they could have done this, but they literally covered up every inch of Kylie from the chest down. What more proof do you need? Even Khloé, who we know for sure is pregnant, is showing her stomach. If they cared at all about keeping Kylie’s pregnancy a secret, couldn’t they just have photoshopped her baby bump out? Is that how it works? Graphic designers, feel free to leave your opinions in the comments section.
But wait, there’s more. Notice the hand placement in the photo. Every pregnant Kardashian sister has her hand on her stomach. Kim does. Khloé does. Now LOOK AT KYLIE AND KHLOE’S HANDS. Khloé is holding Kylie’s hand, and her arm is resting over Kylie’s baby bump. I’m saying it now: Khloé is confirming Kylie’s pregnancy.
I rest my case.
In a massive blow to my working theory that Kylie was actually Kim’s surrogate, a very pregnant Kylie Jenner may or may not have been spotted at CVS yesterday, trying (and failing) to cover up her baby bump with a large green hoodie.
See for yourself:
Kylie Jenner was spotted at CVS Yesterday. pic.twitter.com/cETQeXo6ob
— amanda; ❤︎ (@abcddlovatox) January 16, 2018
This appearance follows false rumors that were spread
by us that Kylie had gone into labor at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, and the announcement of the birth of Kim’s third child via surrogate early Monday morning.
Kylie still hasn’t officially confirmed that she’s pregnant, and all we have to go on is one blurry photo of a pregnant person that *might* be Kylie from back in December, and her conspicuous absence from the Kardashian Kristmas Kard.
Unlike the first photo, this one is very close up and looks a lot like Kylie Jenner, but then again, anyone in the greater Los Angeles area with $100K and a great health insurance plan can probably look like Kylie Jenner in however much time it takes for lip injections to heal so…
…We still don’t know. At this point I just need SOME kind of announcement so I can move the fuck on with my life. Kris, I’m begging you. Please let us have closure.
We’re really going to need an upgrade on our health insurance plan, because there’s a 100% chance these Kardashian pregnancies are going to give us a heart attack. On Friday, rumors started pouring in that Kylie Jenner was in labor, but it was all a lie. Kylie Jenner reportedly did not have her baby, according to TMZ, but she instead gave us major trust issues. Fun!
It’s unclear how the rumors got started in the first place, but we have a feeling it starts with a “K” and ends with a “ris Jenner leaked something to the media.” No one ever really knows where these sources get their information, so it seems pretty likely that the family is just trying to stir up drama about the baby we still don’t have any actual confirmation of.
We’re still mentally recovering from Kylie’s absence from the Kardashian Christmas card, so we’d appreciate everyone’s support in this time of pain and fragility. For now, we’re really just clinging on to our factual knowledge that Khloé is really pregnant, and everything else is very triggering.
We’d try to end this post with a prediction on when Kylie might actually go into labor, but at this point it just feels like we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. Kylie, if you’re reading this sweetie, send us some sort of message or smoke signal or something with a clue to figuring out your due date. Please? We promise we’ll buy every new lip kit, even if it’s fucking orange.
Hello there, and welcome back to the Kylie Jenner Pregnancy Rumor Channel. We’re now into month five of pregnancy speculation, which is funny because I feel like it’s been a hundred years. Somehow it’s 2018 and we still don’t know for sure that Kylie is pregnant, so let’s talk about why these donuts mean Kylie is pregnant. Get comfortable, because this is actually a two-part conspiracy theory.
On the last episode of Keeping Up, Kylie sent almost everyone in the family pink donuts. A fun, yummy treat, or an elaborate pregnancy scheme? People were quick to point out the color of the donuts, suggesting that this confirms the rumors that Kylie is giving birth to a baby girl. That would actually kind of make sense, and it’s not the most ridiculous gender reveal we’ve heard of.
But the next important piece of this puzzle is that Kim didn’t get any donuts. We’d say she’s on a diet, but Kourtney didn’t eat hers either, instead satisfying herself by sniffing a donut like she was a high schooler with a fresh pack of Sharpies. No, there has to be another reason that Kim didn’t get donuts. The theory is that Kylie might actually be Kim’s surrogate, in which case there’s no need to tell her the gender of the baby. Dun dun DUNNNNNN.
So is Kylie the surrogate? There’s no way to know for sure, but it’s definitely possible. That might explain Kylie’s reluctance to have the spotlight on her, because the baby isn’t actually hers. But it also seems weird to me that someone young enough to fit in at a frat party would just like, volunteer to make her body less hot? Like Kylie, this is the prime of your life, and you fucking volunteered as tribute to get a shitload of stretch marks? It’s a no from me.
So is Kylie having a girl? And is it actually Kim’s? I won’t pretend to be psychic or anything, but I’m going to officially guess that the answer to at least one of those questions is yes. And let’s hope we get an answer soon, because I swear I’m about to start putting vodka in my coffee if I don’t get some closure.
If you’ve been following the Kardashian pregnancies with the same zeal with which some people follow the actual news, you’ll be excited to know that today might be the day we finally put an end to the rumors once and for all. A photo is circulating around Twitter that appears to show a very pregnant Kylie Jenner, so perhaps we can all finally stop speculating. Thank the lord. This is the Christmas gift I’ve been waiting for. (I’m Jewish, but even still.)
Before I show you the photo, let’s back up. How did I come across this photo? Easy—my coworker frantically sent me the tweet it’s attached to. Now, who tweeted it? It comes from Twitter user @salruffino, a self-proclaimed “film maker” from Bristol with a moderate Instagram following and a Tumblr account. So basically, every teen in the world. Sal tweeted out a paparazzi-style shot of what appears to be a very pregnany Kylie Jenner, and Twitter promptly went nuts.
Honestly God bless who ever papped this photo of pregnant Kylie Jenner bcus now it can end this ridiculousness. ALSO its kinda cute that she’s keeping this sacred and precious, shows she’s really taking it seriously. She doesn’t owe any of us any information about her baby. pic.twitter.com/LvQ3E43U1H
— (@salruffino) December 27, 2017
In the name of journalism, I’ve got to say: Sure, this looks like it *could* be Kylie Jenner, but it also could be literally anyone with straight black hair. We don’t know that this photo is really of Kylie, or that it hasn’t been altered. So, yeah, it may show a super pregnant Kylie, but until its authenticity is verified (which it probably never will be, since Kris Jenner is determined to drag this media circus out as long as possible), we really can’t say anything with any degree of certainty. Basically, take this picture as you will, and see it however you want to see it. Which is kind of a beautiful sentiment if you think about it.
One thing is for sure, though: Whoever took this photo seriously needs to upgrade their phone.
I’ll just come out and say it: At this point, the Kardashians need to just fucking confirm their pregnancies already. We know Kylie and Khloé are pregnant. They know we know they’re pregnant. We know they know we know they’re pregnant. They know we know they know… wait, what was I saying? Oh, right. The world knows Khloé and Kylie are pregnant. So can they stop trifling and just confirm it so we can all move on with our lives? No, because there’s no endless stream of speculation-related publicity in that. Ugh, Kris Jenner is such a genius, but sometimes I wish she would use her genius for good instead of evil. Well, Kris didn’t officially confirm Khloé and Kylie’s pregnancies, but she did the next best thing: she basically confirmed them via Instagram.
Six days ago (how am I just learning about this now?? I need to update my Google alerts), Kris Jenner posted an Instagram of a bunch of pajama sets (which you can buy here if you’re so inclined), and wrote in the caption, “thank you for a collection for every one of my grandchildren”. EVERY ONE OF MY GRANDCHILDREN. Now check out this picture. Can you figure out how many grandchildren Kris is going to have?
Thank you so much #burtsbeesbaby @burtsbeesbaby #bbbfamjams for the most amazing collection of family jammies ever and i am obsessed with the plaid !!!!! Can’t wait to cuddle up with the kids #holidayseason thank you for a collection for every one of my grandchildren ❤️ #blessed #grateful thanks for the idea @oprah !!
If you can do basic counting (congrats), you’ve quickly determined that Kris has nine—count ’em, nine—grandkids. She’s already got Saint, North, and Kim’s new baby who I’m going to preemptively name Goddess (it could happen), Penelope, Mason, and Reign. Oh, and Dream. I always forget about Dream. So that’s seven grandkids total if you can still do basic counting. BUT THAT STILL LEAVES TWO PAJAMA SETS. That leaves only one viable conclusion:
Kris is keeping two pajama sets for herself the other sets are for Khloé and Kylie’s babies, respectively. And boom goes the dynamite.
Bam. We just blew this case wide open. It’s been another productive day at the internet. Good job, team. Let’s pack it in for today.