Well, folks, it’s that time of week again:
when Kris Jenner singlehandedly decides to ruin my life another Kylie Jenner pregnancy rumor. The rumors have been circulating about Kylie Jenner for months, and so far, the closest confirmation we have is a blurry picture of “Kylie” at CVS, a potential donut gender reveal, and, perhaps the most telling, a Kardashian fam photo/Calvin Klein ad where pregnant Khloé Kardashian is holding both her stomach and the hand of Kylie, whose stomach is covered by a blanket. That is, until today. Either someone in the Kardashian camp fucked up, Ryan Seacrest is purposefully toying with our emotions (likely, tbh), or the confirmation of Kylie’s pregnancy has finally arrived, and in a very subtle and unexpected way.
The news comes thanks to a recent Wikipedia update revealing the title of Episode #214 of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. I don’t know who was stalking the KUWTK Wiki page and noticed this, but you’re doing the Lord’s work. Anyway, the title of the episode is… *drum roll please*… “We’re expecting!” THAT’S RIGHT. WE. Here’s a screenshot I took immediately, because I know Kris will be on this shit the second she realizes what’s happened:
This has to be referring to Kylie, because Khloé and Kim’s pregnancies have already been covered on the show. I think this means we can stop following this bullshit and getting back to questioning the deeper meaning behind Kim’s topless photos.
Okay, yes. It’s Wikipedia, and that shit is notoriously unreliable because
Kris literally anyone can edit it. BUT THINK ABOUT IT. This is exactly the kind of shit the Kardashians would pull. Get a girl secretly knocked up for months and then reveal it to boost their ratings? It’s borderline genius. I mean, at this point, regardless of whether or not Kylie is pregnant, they got what they wanted. More attention.
So, is this it? Is this the Kardashians finally confirming Kylie’s pregnancy with baby daddy Travis Scott?! While the update still seems a little fishy to us, you know we’ll be tuning in February 25th to get to the bottom of this
Chardonnay bottle story.
Hello there, and welcome back to the Kylie Jenner Pregnancy Rumor Channel. We’re now into month five of pregnancy speculation, which is funny because I feel like it’s been a hundred years. Somehow it’s 2018 and we still don’t know for sure that Kylie is pregnant, so let’s talk about why these donuts mean Kylie is pregnant. Get comfortable, because this is actually a two-part conspiracy theory.
On the last episode of Keeping Up, Kylie sent almost everyone in the family pink donuts. A fun, yummy treat, or an elaborate pregnancy scheme? People were quick to point out the color of the donuts, suggesting that this confirms the rumors that Kylie is giving birth to a baby girl. That would actually kind of make sense, and it’s not the most ridiculous gender reveal we’ve heard of.
But the next important piece of this puzzle is that Kim didn’t get any donuts. We’d say she’s on a diet, but Kourtney didn’t eat hers either, instead satisfying herself by sniffing a donut like she was a high schooler with a fresh pack of Sharpies. No, there has to be another reason that Kim didn’t get donuts. The theory is that Kylie might actually be Kim’s surrogate, in which case there’s no need to tell her the gender of the baby. Dun dun DUNNNNNN.
So is Kylie the surrogate? There’s no way to know for sure, but it’s definitely possible. That might explain Kylie’s reluctance to have the spotlight on her, because the baby isn’t actually hers. But it also seems weird to me that someone young enough to fit in at a frat party would just like, volunteer to make her body less hot? Like Kylie, this is the prime of your life, and you fucking volunteered as tribute to get a shitload of stretch marks? It’s a no from me.
So is Kylie having a girl? And is it actually Kim’s? I won’t pretend to be psychic or anything, but I’m going to officially guess that the answer to at least one of those questions is yes. And let’s hope we get an answer soon, because I swear I’m about to start putting vodka in my coffee if I don’t get some closure.
I’ll just come out and say it: At this point, the Kardashians need to just fucking confirm their pregnancies already. We know Kylie and Khloé are pregnant. They know we know they’re pregnant. We know they know we know they’re pregnant. They know we know they know… wait, what was I saying? Oh, right. The world knows Khloé and Kylie are pregnant. So can they stop trifling and just confirm it so we can all move on with our lives? No, because there’s no endless stream of speculation-related publicity in that. Ugh, Kris Jenner is such a genius, but sometimes I wish she would use her genius for good instead of evil. Well, Kris didn’t officially confirm Khloé and Kylie’s pregnancies, but she did the next best thing: she basically confirmed them via Instagram.
Six days ago (how am I just learning about this now?? I need to update my Google alerts), Kris Jenner posted an Instagram of a bunch of pajama sets (which you can buy here if you’re so inclined), and wrote in the caption, “thank you for a collection for every one of my grandchildren”. EVERY ONE OF MY GRANDCHILDREN. Now check out this picture. Can you figure out how many grandchildren Kris is going to have?
Thank you so much #burtsbeesbaby @burtsbeesbaby #bbbfamjams for the most amazing collection of family jammies ever and i am obsessed with the plaid !!!!! Can’t wait to cuddle up with the kids #holidayseason thank you for a collection for every one of my grandchildren ❤️ #blessed #grateful thanks for the idea @oprah !!
If you can do basic counting (congrats), you’ve quickly determined that Kris has nine—count ’em, nine—grandkids. She’s already got Saint, North, and Kim’s new baby who I’m going to preemptively name Goddess (it could happen), Penelope, Mason, and Reign. Oh, and Dream. I always forget about Dream. So that’s seven grandkids total if you can still do basic counting. BUT THAT STILL LEAVES TWO PAJAMA SETS. That leaves only one viable conclusion:
Kris is keeping two pajama sets for herself the other sets are for Khloé and Kylie’s babies, respectively. And boom goes the dynamite.
Bam. We just blew this case wide open. It’s been another productive day at the internet. Good job, team. Let’s pack it in for today.
Grab onto your hats, because I’m about to blow your mind: Kylie Jenner reportedly threw a baby shower over the weekend. So I guess this pregnancy thing is really happening. I’m sorry, but you’ll need to excuse me so I can take a moment to mourn Travis Scott’s career. Sure, I know it’s possible to have a baby and still make music (*looks admiringly to Chance for inspiration*), but Kanye tried having a baby with a Kardashian, and he ended up going off the deep end and meeting with Donald Trump, so I’m not going to get my hopes up for Trav here.
Anyway, E! News is reporting that one day after Kim’s extra af baby shower, Kylie threw one of her own. They’re reporting that Kylie invited about 30 people to her backyard on Sunday morning for a pajama themed brunch. So now I’ve got to ask: Was this a baby shower or simply a gathering of hungover minds? Because that sounds a lot like what my friends and I do after a night of drinking to rehash the events from the previous evening.
E! News‘ source revealed, “It was a huge production with hundreds of pink roses that looked like a wedding. There were pink rose petals scattered around the pool and the posts to the tent were all wrapped in pink roses. There was also a big wall of pink flowers and a little stage.” Sooo Kylie is probably having a girl? Or perhaps I’m just a shitty close-minded person who confirms to traditional gender norms. Either way.
E! is also reporting that each guest was given silk pajamas and slippers, and there was an omelet and waffle bar. There was also a craft table and guests played “quiz games,” whatever those are. So basically Kylie had the same bridal shower as every girl in your Southern sorority. Cool.
I’ve got to say, this is a lot more understated of a shower than I’d expect from Kylie. The Kylie Jenner I know (yes, we are close personal friends) would have had like, an all-diamond baby shower complete with a custom Lamborghini in either blue or pink, depending on the baby’s gender, and like, special performances by 21 Savage and Tupac’s ghost. Actually, 21 Savage is dating Amber Rose, who is Kanye’s ex, so that probably wouldn’t happen, but you know what I mean. I would expect Kylie’s baby shower to be extra af, and this sounds…. low-key? Well, as low-key as the Kardashians can get, anyway. Perhaps motherhood looks good on Kylie? Maybe it’s making her more chill? One can only hope.
Another day, another Kylie Jenner pregnancy conspiracy theory *tips hat*. Full disclosure, I was in Miami since Thursday and was therefore pleasantly removed from the latest Kardashian Konundrum, but now I’m back to work and back on this bullshit. It all started on Sunday, when Kylie boarded a plane to celebrate Kris’s 62nd birthday (as one does). Kylie wore a baggy sweats situation, non-facetiously as one does when they are flying. The Daily Mail obtained photos of Kylie wearing the aforementioned sweats situation, looking a little chunkier than usual. Obviously the Daily Mail took this to mean she’s definitely pregnant, but Kylie was not so pleased. Kylie slammed the Daily Mail on Twitter, so get your popcorn ready, because this case just remained interesting.
Shortly after the Daily Mail article came out, Kylie took to Twitter to tweet the following:
Sadly these photos have been deleted from Twitter, but if you view them in the original article, it does look a little sketchy. Like, the lines on the Ford in the background look kind of wavy and uneven? Then again, the photo quality overall is pretty janky, so that could just be the culprit. The Daily Mail, for their part, claims the photos are completely authentic. I’m launching a full investigation into this issue using taxpayer dollars and will update you all with my findings.
Kylie then posted a v rare full body Snapchat, presumably to show that the other photos were altered to make her look bigger.
knew there was something off when i seen this pic.twitter.com/K8DNtQJSf0
— C (@kyliesgoddess) November 5, 2017
That’s cool and all, but I think I speak for all of us when I say, BUT IS YOU PREGNANT OR NAH?? I’m actually going to reverse the position I’ve been holding onto with a death grip and say that at this point, she’s probably pregnant. I mean, just think about it. If Kylie’s not pregnant, is she really going to take issue with a magazine making her look fatter, but not with a magazine falsely reporting that she’s pregnant? Truly doubt it. That’s not really the hill any reasonable person is going to die on. Then again, none of the Kardashian-Jenners are exactly known for their firm grasp on logic and reason, so there is still hope for
Travis Scott my conspiracy theories.
So yeah, a Travis Scott/Kylie Jenner baby is looking very likely, and I for one am very excited for Kween Scott’s guest verse on Travis’ next album.
You guys, it pains me to say this, but it’s starting to look like all of the Kardashians are actually pregnant. AT THE SAME TIME. *takes slow, calming breaths* I’m not sure how Kris did it, but she managed to sabotage all of her children’s birth control in one fell swoop. You know, except with Rob. Kris is ambitious, not completely reckless. Over the past few weeks it’s been theorized that aside from Kim’s confirmed pregnancy, Kylie, Khloé, and now potentially Kourtney are all also pregnant. That means we might have FOUR new Kardashians in 2018. Lol, and just when we thought 2018 was going to be our year. The inside of my mind is starting to resemble a Criminal Minds crime board with how quickly I’m trying to Keep Up and connect the dots, but in all of the
carefully assembled PR stunts chaos, I’ve somehow managed to still find the time to theorize about Kardashian baby names. It’s all about how you waste your time multitask these days, you know? Not to brag, but I’ve been Keeping Up with these hoes since season one of KUWTK, so I’d say I have a pretty good idea of what goes on inside the mind of a Kardashian. *adds “find better hobbies” to to-do list* So here are my Kardashian baby name predictions based off my extensive knowledge of the inner-workings of this batshit family:
Let’s start with Kimmy, seeing as she’s the only confirmed pregnancy at the moment. Now, if you’ll recall, Kim hired
Offred a surrogate to carry her third child. So naturally, Kim has been living her best life preparing for the baby’s arrival by showing off her semi-nude body every chance she gets. Meanwhile, her surrogate is confined to the basement of Kris’s Calabasas mansion living off Kombucha and prenatal vitamins, listening to Kanye’s latest album on loop, and reading aloud the contents of Selfish to her stomach at bedtime (I assume). Kim and Kanye will most definitely name their child something like Savior or Second (as in the second coming) because, let’s face it, they think all of their children are the second coming of Jesus Christ even though the only reason Kim isn’t still cleaning out Paris Hilton’s closet is because Kris knew the right people to pimp out her daughter’s sex tape to. Without the added pregnancy weight or the pain of childbirth to humble her, Kim will throw subtlety to the wind and go all out when naming this child.
Khloé has reportedly been trying to have a baby for longer than I’ve been (legally) allowed to drink. If
she did impregnate herself with a used condom 2.5 seconds after Tristan Thompson left her apartment by some miracle she is pregnant, then Mazel Tov, I can’t think of a more deserving person for this to happen to. I only hope that the baby will be as savage as she is. That said, Khloé will choose a name that reflects how grateful she is for her kid. Something that says “I’ve been poking holes in condoms praying for this moment for years.”
Kourtney’s hard to predict for many reasons. On the one hand, she named her first two children, Mason and Penelope, relatively normal names. I’m guessing she let Scott name Reign before she realized he was still on a bender when she went into labor. That’s the only explanation for that name, really. But on the other hand, Kourtney’s weird AF. I wouldn’t put it past her to name her fourth born after her favorite brand of organic deodorant. That said, if it’s a boy I think Kourtney will name him after the father, aka hot model Younes Bendjima, as one last fuck you to Scott. If the baby’s a girl, I think she’ll name it after herself because she DGAF and knows that she’s a queen among peasants and so too will be her child. She’ll spell it with a “C”, though, to make it different and also as one last fuck you to Kris Jenner.
Even though Kylie just barely made it out of teen mom territory, she’s not stupid. At 20 years old, she’s built herself a billion-dollar business off of pretending that any sort of makeup product gave her that face. And we’re all falling for it, one seasonal lip kit at a time. *internally screams* Lately, though, Kylie’s had to compete with the likes of Rihanna, who actually sells quality makeup, so I’m sure Kylie will use this baby as some sort of PR stunt for her beauty empire. She’ll name her kid something brandable, like Dolce—a name she found on Tumblr, along with her fashion inspiration, and which was also one of her best-selling lip kits. She’ll come out with a new lip kit based on the kid’s eye color or the color of its first shit and call it “Dolce Like The Ocean” which will make no fucking sense, but you’ll buy it anyway because it sold out in the first five seconds so that has to mean something, RIGHT?! Regardless of the baby’s gender, the name will stay the same: Dolce. She’s hoping for a girl, but will keep the name if it’s a boy because she’ll be in denial.
K, if you need me I’ll just be here, constantly refreshing every entertainment site to see if we can go one fucking week without another Kardashian pregnancy. Tbh, I don’t have high hopes that Kris or MJ won’t come out as pregnant next. If anyone could defy science, it’s this fucking family.
Sgt. Olivia Betchson, Senior Conspiracy Theorist here. I’ve been covering this Kardashian pregnancy fiasco since day one—okay, day two because day one was during Rosh Hashanah and I was celebrating the Jewish New Year with my family, persecute me—and I’ve always said that I do not for one second believe that Kylie Jenner is pregnant. Is part of that just willful thinking because I love Travis Scott’s music and think he’s too talented to be tied to Kylie Jenner for the next 18 years and suffer the Kardashian Kurse? Yes, definitely. But it’s also because I just cannot believe that Kris Jenner would allow this to happen. At first the rumors seemed like a pretty obvious ploy for ratings for the Kardashian 10th anniversary special. But as the special came and went and we heard no word from
Kylie’s camp Kris, it seemed more and more likely that Kylie was, in fact, pregnant. But now, I have pretty definitive proof as to why Kylie has yet to deny the rumors: Kylie is releasing five new lip kit colors for fall. And boom goes the dynamite.
Yes, I did just insinuate that Kylie is keeping false pregnancy rumors afloat for the sole purpose of selling lip kits. Don’t act like she, or any member of the Kardashian family, is not above that. And my position is only strengthened when you look at these so-called “new” lip kit colors. Check ’em out.
The colors are, from left to right: Autumn, a muted coral; Libra, a light, almost white pink (Kylie, how dare you blaspheme my zodiac sign for this monstrosity of a color); Butternut, look with your pretty little eyes; Hazel, also self-evident; and Wicked, this bright-ass purple. And the reason I say that these colors support the theory that this is all a publicity stunt is because LOOK AT THEM. You’ve got, from right to left this time:
1. A crazy purple color that nobody in their right mind would drop $30 on to wear once on Halloween
(P.S. If you’re not horrified by this lip color, you should buy Colourpop’s Zipper or Guess—they’re basically the same shit and only will have you out $5 when you put it on and realize you look kinda crazy.)
2. A color that’s basically one shade slightly off from every other nude lip kit (I would know, I own at least 3)
3. This unfortunate event that makes you look diseased
Like, that’s what my lips look like right after I puke, why would I willingly slather that all over my lips? Somebody kindly let me know.
4. This color, which you cannot tell me ISN’T a repackaged lip kit from the KKW Beauty x Kylie Cosmetics collab. Seriously, here’s Libra:
And here’s a promo photo from Kylie and Kim’s lip kit collaboration.
IT’S A SCAM. And finally, we have…
5. The poor man’s Brown Sugar, aka Autumn. Again, for reference, here are Kylie and Jordyn wearing Autum:
And here we have the Brown Sugar swatch.
What more proof do you need that this whole pregnancy was made up to sell bad lip kit colors nobody would otherwise buy unless they felt like they were helping out an almost-teen mom? None, I say. None. I rest my case and will be awaiting my Pulitzer Prize for investigatory journalism.
It is September of 2017 and there is only one thing on everyone’s mind:
the collapse go global democracy Kylie Jenner’s supposed pregnancy. Is she pregnant? Who’s the father? Was this all a publicity stunt? Is there a God and if there is, why does he let his creations live in such uncertainty? Well, thanks to Caitlyn Jenner, we may have the answer to at least one of those questions. Caitlyn told The Sun on Monday, “All I can tell you is that it was some time ago.”
Okay so not exactly a due date, but what is the “it” Caitlyn is referring to, if not Kylie’s supposed pregnancy? What could have happened “some time ago” if not one of Kylie’s eggs being successfully fertilized by
Tyga’s Travis Scott’s sperm?
Apart from Caitlyn, the only other member of the Kardashian clan to give us any clue as to the status of Kylie’s womb is her mom
ager, Kris Jenner, who told Ryan Seacrest “Kylie’s not confirming anything.”
Honestly, this is some pretty shady and secretive behavior from a family that is literally famous for exposing their every poo to a national audience. Why all the shadiness? Is it because their love and respect for Kylie during this time outweighs their need for media attention?