Being a dedicated follower of the Kardashian/Jenner family is serious business, so let’s get to work. After the last six months of playing Nancy Drew to try and figure out if Kylie was actually pregnant, the bundle of joy is finally fucking here. Now it’s time to figure out what Kylie named her baby. There’s no rest for the wicked, so chug an espresso and perk the fuck up. Join us as we go on a scavenger hunt across the internet for the secret name of the world’s first Lip Kit heiress.
Let’s start with what we know for sure. Kylie most likely did not name her daughter North, Penelope, Chicago, or Dream. Those are kind of taken. Now we can move on into more speculative territory. Hold on, because this is where things get murky.
The most popular current theory is that Kylie decided to go with Butterfly, or something related to butterflies. Ugh. There’s actually a fair amount of evidence here, so let’s unpack. Last summer, Kylie and Travis Scott got matching butterfly tattoos, and through the scientific method of counting the months backward, we can deduce that they most likely got the tattoos after finding out she was pregnant. Kylie’s also been seen wearing multiple pieces of butterfly jewelry on Snapchat in recent months, and her pregnancy video/Black Mirror episode also showed a nursery covered in butterfly decorations.
Other butterfly-related options are Monarch, Mariposa (the spanish word for butterfly), or Vanessa (which is another kind of butterfly). We don’t mind the first two, but please God don’t let this fucking baby be named Vanessa. She’s a Jenner, not an employee at Claire’s.
My personal theory is that Kylie named her daughter after one of her lip kit colors. It’s just the sort of thing that would get people talking and generate buzz, and some of the names are actually pretty normal. I don’t know exactly which one is the name, but there are a few choices that seem most likely.
Mary Jo is a classic red shade, and it’s one that Kylie loves rocking. This shade is named after Kris’ mom, aka MJ, who is the baby’s great grandmother. This would be a nice classic nod to both family and lipstick, and it gets bonus points for being a real name!
We honestly believe that Kylie would name her child Velvet. This shade, from her most recent holiday collection, is called Red Velvet, and she also has a whole line of velvet liquid lipsticks. Clearly Kylie loves velvet, and it’s not the weirdest name we’ve ever heard. I mean, Kim literally just named her daughter Chicago.
Our last guess is a throwback to one of the original three lip kit shades, Candy K. What if it was meant to be a name all along? Kylie used to say that this was her favorite lip kit of all, and everyone loves a classic. Candy is technically a name, just ask Aaron Carter. Kylie also got a flower arrangement delivered to her in the shape of the letter “C”, so this theory is shaping up more and more.
So realistically, we don’t have a fucking clue what Kylie is going to do, but all of these ideas are honestly not that hard to believe. Stay tuned, because you better believe we’ll have some thoughts the second she announces the actual name.
We’re really going to need an upgrade on our health insurance plan, because there’s a 100% chance these Kardashian pregnancies are going to give us a heart attack. On Friday, rumors started pouring in that Kylie Jenner was in labor, but it was all a lie. Kylie Jenner reportedly did not have her baby, according to TMZ, but she instead gave us major trust issues. Fun!
It’s unclear how the rumors got started in the first place, but we have a feeling it starts with a “K” and ends with a “ris Jenner leaked something to the media.” No one ever really knows where these sources get their information, so it seems pretty likely that the family is just trying to stir up drama about the baby we still don’t have any actual confirmation of.
We’re still mentally recovering from Kylie’s absence from the Kardashian Christmas card, so we’d appreciate everyone’s support in this time of pain and fragility. For now, we’re really just clinging on to our factual knowledge that Khloé is really pregnant, and everything else is very triggering.
We’d try to end this post with a prediction on when Kylie might actually go into labor, but at this point it just feels like we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. Kylie, if you’re reading this sweetie, send us some sort of message or smoke signal or something with a clue to figuring out your due date. Please? We promise we’ll buy every new lip kit, even if it’s fucking orange.
Another day, another Kylie Jenner pregnancy conspiracy theory *tips hat*. Full disclosure, I was in Miami since Thursday and was therefore pleasantly removed from the latest Kardashian Konundrum, but now I’m back to work and back on this bullshit. It all started on Sunday, when Kylie boarded a plane to celebrate Kris’s 62nd birthday (as one does). Kylie wore a baggy sweats situation, non-facetiously as one does when they are flying. The Daily Mail obtained photos of Kylie wearing the aforementioned sweats situation, looking a little chunkier than usual. Obviously the Daily Mail took this to mean she’s definitely pregnant, but Kylie was not so pleased. Kylie slammed the Daily Mail on Twitter, so get your popcorn ready, because this case just remained interesting.
Shortly after the Daily Mail article came out, Kylie took to Twitter to tweet the following:
Sadly these photos have been deleted from Twitter, but if you view them in the original article, it does look a little sketchy. Like, the lines on the Ford in the background look kind of wavy and uneven? Then again, the photo quality overall is pretty janky, so that could just be the culprit. The Daily Mail, for their part, claims the photos are completely authentic. I’m launching a full investigation into this issue using taxpayer dollars and will update you all with my findings.
Kylie then posted a v rare full body Snapchat, presumably to show that the other photos were altered to make her look bigger.
knew there was something off when i seen this pic.twitter.com/K8DNtQJSf0
— C (@kyliesgoddess) November 5, 2017
That’s cool and all, but I think I speak for all of us when I say, BUT IS YOU PREGNANT OR NAH?? I’m actually going to reverse the position I’ve been holding onto with a death grip and say that at this point, she’s probably pregnant. I mean, just think about it. If Kylie’s not pregnant, is she really going to take issue with a magazine making her look fatter, but not with a magazine falsely reporting that she’s pregnant? Truly doubt it. That’s not really the hill any reasonable person is going to die on. Then again, none of the Kardashian-Jenners are exactly known for their firm grasp on logic and reason, so there is still hope for Travis Scott my conspiracy theories.
So yeah, a Travis Scott/Kylie Jenner baby is looking very likely, and I for one am very excited for Kween Scott’s guest verse on Travis’ next album.
We talk about Ariel Winter’s outfits (duh), Kylie Jenner’s upcoming child and Trump bashing the NFL. Advice is about how to ask for a full-time job and how to deal with a Bumble date gone wrong. And we play games as usual. Send your Dear Betch questions to [email protected]
