My plans for Thursday night were set in stone and secret. My roommate was out for the night, and I had the place to myself. I was to pour some red wine, turn down the lights, wrap myself in my Pete Davidson blanket, and sob to the finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. No one would know. How would they know?
My phone buzzed, and to my horror, it was my editor. In my most vulnerable state, she asked, “Do you have any thoughts on the end of ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’?” I knew what I had to do. I’ve poked fun at Demi Lovato, David Dobrik, Chet Hanks, and Piers Morgan, and now my greatest challenge was ahead of me. The time has come for me to make fun of the Kardashians.
I’ve watched Keeping Up since Kim had her old nose, Scott dressed like a rich Republican, and Kylie’s preteen body matched mine—absolutely unimaginable today. I’d love to dismiss the famous family and shout “eat the rich,” but it’s the dolls we have to thank for oversized salads, athleisure, and vocal fry. Since 2007, they’ve taught us how to lie about our BBLs, snack without using our lips, and create Oreo centerpieces.
We have so many beautiful memories together. Remember when Kris slipped viagra in Caitlyn’s martini, but Rob drank it? Remember when Kim leaked Kourtney’s underage nudes and called the FBI? Remember when Kourtney pulled her baby out of her own vagina? Remember ‘Kim Kardashian Hollywood’ the game?
The Kardashians redefined culture, sparking conversations around the influencer economy and inspiring semester-long collegiate courses, but in the last few years, Keeping Up has lost its steam. Family feuds and cheating scandals aside, the Kardashians have become increasingly tight-lipped and selective about what they share on the show. As a result, the last few years of content have had all of us shouting, “go on, girl, give us nothing.”
It’s hard to say precisely where the enchantment wore off. It could be when they seemingly gave Kanye creative control, and all the confessionals turned beige. It could be when Kourtney and Scott broke up for good, giving him the green light to publicly date college freshmen. It could be when Khloé became the spokesperson for a migraine medication. It could have been last week, when the family of billionaires thanked Vrbo for sponsoring their Tahoe vacation. In the wake of the series finale, I’m most thankful to Vrbo for getting the f*ck out and letting me mourn in peace.
Admittedly, not everything borne of the Kardashian influence has made us better. We can thank the famous sisters for the newest iteration of the body image warfare we face today, waist trainer-induced asthma, and the exploitation of Black women’s aesthetics. I patiently await the impending collegiate study on American speech patterns before and after the Kardashian reign.
I’ll miss my guilty pleasure, but more importantly, I’ll miss the tea. Since the start, the Kardashians have used the show to speak on subjects that they usually wouldn’t in the media. It was on the show that we saw honest conversations about the Jordyn Woods cheating scandal, Kim’s near-death robbery experience in Paris, and Scott’s recent outing at a rehab facility. Last year, when the world watched Kanye melt down during his run for president, fans shamelessly hoped to watch the drama unfold on E! Kim’s decision not to discuss in detail the breakdown of her marriage on the show coupled with Kourtney’s growing privacy concerns meant the end of an era for pop culture. Khloé Kardashian, the world’s original favorite, can’t carry the show with just her photoshop scandals and tendency to be cheated on for sport.
As E! closes the book on our Royal Family, I can admit that my relationship with the show has had legitimate effects on my perception of reality. I once pinned a photo of Kim’s engagement ring to my secret Pinterest board, as if the ring that fueled a five-person armed robbery would ever sit on my finger. (Don’t ever speak of the Pinterest board again.) I once saw the annual Christmas Eve party photos and took note of their event planner’s name as I sat in my fifth-floor walk-up apartment I shared with a mouse. (Her name is Mindy Weiss.) I’ve purchased Kylie Lip Kits, Skims underwear, and fake Yeezy sweatshirts. I’ve given the dolls fourteen years of my life, and last night I said farewell and “ABCDEFG.”
After a decade and a half, here’s where we left the sisters. (Of course, you won’t miss them too much. By the end of this article, your social algorithm will surely send a Kardashian to the top of your feed.)
Kim learned that she failed her second attempt at the baby bar—granted, she did take the hours-long exam with a case of COVID and a failing marriage. Her new goal? Finding her happiness and a partner who can stand to live in the same state as her.
Kourtney and Scott will continue their co-parenting journey, pretending to eye-roll when people suggest they hook up. Immediately following shooting, Kourtney slipped into her fishnets and tattooed “poosh” onto Travis Barker’s shaft.
Khloé is building a house in Boston, where she will live with Tristan and True when the family is not in LA. Her and True’s pharmaceutical ad aired during the commercial break, and after a long and winding road, she ended up where she started: brunette.
Keeping Up With The Kardashians ushered in a new era of reality television. The family changed the face of pop culture forever, giving many of us weekly routines, careers, and reasons to live. So, with heavy hearts and improved self-esteem, we close with scripture.
“Maybe if you HAD a fucking business that you were passionate about, then you would know what it takes to run a fucking business, but you DON’T.” – KKW 15:1
Image: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images
I’ve been losing track of time a lot lately, mostly due to the fact that the last year has felt like an extended sabbatical from regular life. But when I saw that Tristan Thompson was in the news for allegedly cheating on Khloé Kardashian, I really needed to take a good, hard look at a calendar. Had I taken one too many melatonin tablets and woken up in 2019? Or 2018? Nope, it’s May 2021, and we are once again discussing Tristan’s questionable choices.
Unlike Tristan’s past cheating scandals, where he’s been caught red-handed with another woman, the current situation has been sort of a slow, messy burn. The woman at the center of it all is Sydney Chase, a 23-year-old who is—prepare to be shocked—an Instagram model. In a recent interview on the No Jumper podcast, and again on her TikTok account, Chase claimed that she had an intimate relationship with Tristan after meeting him in November of 2020. According to Chase, Tristan told her he was single, and they “hung out multiple times,” including going out in public together. Chase claims that when she found out he was actually in a relationship with Khloé, she “cut it off” with him. On the podcast, she was also asked about Tristan’s ~equipment~, and she responded “he has a peek-a-boo dick, but baby, it was good.” Aaaaand we’re officially in TMI territory.
@sydneychasexoYes the Tristan rumors are true… @haydenxrichelle @phonehomebabyet♬ Passionfruit – Drake
If any of that is true, it’s not good, but the actual cheating is really just the tip of the iceberg, somehow. Last month, in an Instagram live video with her friends, Sydney Chase shared several additional things that Tristan said to her during their relationship, and it’s all bleak. On the live, she said that Tristan asked her to send nudes, reading a message that said, “Yes baby I like that. I want to see what they look like. I’m curious.” Curious is a polite word for horny, I guess.
Chase also shared that Tristan told her she looked like Jordan Craig, the mother of his first child, and that Khloé is “not his type.” According to Chase, after she learned about his relationship and broke things off with him, he called her and said, “you’re what I like,” which is a major yikes. If Khloé is, in fact, not Tristan’s “type,” why is her putting her through all of this mess? Why did he date her in the first place? Think of how much nonsense we could have avoided over the years if Tristan politely ended things with Khloé after like, three dates. Instead, it seems like Khloé is on a permanent emotional rollercoaster over a man who has never given her the level of respect that anyone deserves in a relationship.
Getting back to Sydney Chase for a minute, she’s been adamant that none of this is really her problem. On her Instagram live, she said, “I ain’t sign nothing, you did what you did, that’s on you.” She has a point—if Tristan insists on doing this type of sh*t, he should really either make people sign NDAs, or maybe just choose women who aren’t actively trying to get famous online? Chase also added, “Tristan banged me, I did not bang him.” I’m not really sure that’s like, a scientific distinction, but I guess I get the vibe of what she means. If she really believed that he was single, and he was the one actively pursuing her, you really can’t blame her for being down.
In the two weeks since Sydney Chase initially spoke about Tristan in the podcast interview, things have obviously escalated. Chase stated in her TikTok video that Tristan contacted her when he heard about the podcast, in the hopes that he could kill the story before it gained publicity. Obviously, that didn’t happen, and Khloé reportedly found out about Chase’s story along with the rest of the tabloid-reading public. Since then, Khloé has done her classic routine of posting subtweet-y quotes on her Instagram story, but she also went straight to the source of the rumors.
Over the weekend, Sydney Chase posted a screenshot showing DMs she received from Khloé Kardashian. She covered the contents of the main message, but made sure not to blur out the message where Khloé asked her to keep their conversation private. Oops! Apparently Khloé forgot that she was dealing with someone who makes a living off of whatever clout she can get, so tbh she’s lucky that Sydney even covered part of the DMs.
Sure, Sydney has been messy by putting all of this information out in the open, but when it comes down to it, she’s just living her life. Realistically, any hot woman that comes into contact with Tristan Thompson could find themselves in this position, so good for her scoring some Instagram followers, and likely #spon opportunities out of this.
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But when it comes to Khloé, this f*cking sucks. We all remember the fallout surrounding the Jordyn Woods controversy, and when Khloé finally decided to give Tristan another chance, it felt like things might actually be different. On this season of KUWTK, they’ve had mature conversations about having another child together, and it seemed like they had turned a corner, not just in their romantic relationship together, but as mature adults who wanted to build a life and family together. But that foundation doesn’t seem so stable when any 23-year-old with lip fillers and a big ass can cause Tristan to forget everything he’s supposed to be doing. Once and for all, it’s time for Khloé to choose herself, and leave Tristan behind.
Images: Jerritt Clark/Getty Images for Klutch Sports Group; sydneychasexo / TikTok; theshaderoom / Instagram
I’m used to checking Instagram and going “WTF!!” when I see headlines about Scott Disick dating someone new. But a few days ago, when I opened the app for the 78th time that day, I saw post after post saying that Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker were an item.
I seriously had about 100 thoughts right away… like, wow, Kourt and Travis are kinda maybe an even hotter couple than MGK and Megan Fox… and, more importantly, how TF did they even meet?? On top of that, like any loyal Kardashian fan, I know Kourtney’s dating history is short and sweet… so any man she brings around to date must be the real deal and Poosh approved.
And because I had a choice between doing laundry or answering all my burning questions, I chose to do a deep dive on the new couple (duh). And it turns out, their story is classic friends-turned-lovers.
TL;DR? Here’s what you need to know: Kourtney and Travis have been regularly liking each other’s Instagram posts since mid-2017, with Travis heating things up in Kourtney’s Instagram comments as of November 2020. And although they sparked dating rumors in 2018 after being pictured together time after time, an insider confirmed with People on January 24, 2021 that they two are dating, but only as of the past couple months.
For the full and juicy timeline, this breakdown starts off like any good Kardashian story: with Paris Hilton.
Travis’ first foray into the Kardashian empire was in 2006 when he was introduced to Kim by Paris while all three were in Amsterdam. At the time he was dating Paris, but he admitted in an interview with Us Weekly in 2015 that he immediately had a crush on Kim after meeting her (c’mon, ’00s Kim was drop-dead, so can you blame him?).
He also went on to say that Kim had asked him for advice on a little reality show she and her family may be doing… you know, the one that ended up becoming KUWTK? Although he seems like a random person to speak to on that topic, Travis and his ex-wife Shanna Moakler had done an MTV reality show called Meet the Barkers from 2005-06, so the question actually totally made sense.
Fast forward over the next couple of years, and according to Us Weekly, Travis and Kim started hanging out back in California… which is probably how he and his kids got in touch with the rest of the family. This actually makes sense because they all lived (and still live) in the same Calabasas community, so getting to know Kourtney, Khloé, and the rest of the Ks would have been pretty damn convenient.
Around 2016 is when the rumors and friendship between Kourtney and Travis really started to heat up, so here’s an ultimate breakdown of their friendship/relationship timeline.
May 2016
Travis made his first public mention of Kourtney while on the ill-fated Kocktails with Khloé, saying he sometimes runs into Kourt and Khloé at the gym.
November 2017
Travis appeared in a KUWTK Christmas Special. Although Travis had made appearances in previous episodes, in this particular one, he and his kids were invited to Kourtney’s house for Christmas activities alongside Kim and Larsa Pippen.
August 2018
Kourtney posted a pic on Instagram riding a bike, and Travis commented a couple of seemingly harmless emojis (but, I mean, are Instagram comments ever truly harmless??). Following that, the internet did what it does best and read into it, starting rumors that the two were romantically linked.
September 2018 – November 2018
Following the August 2018 Instagram comment, Kourtney and Travis sparked more and more dating rumors when they were seen and pictured around LA on a few occasions. Most of this was paparazzi shots of them attending a Hillsong church service, as well as eating at an LA restaurant called Crossroads together a couple times.
December 2018
Kourtney and Travis were pictured taking their kids on a super cute playdate to get ice cream in LA. Stars, I guess, do do normal stuff just like us.
February 2019
The pair was photographed attending Kanye’s Sunday Service together, and then driving in Malibu afterward with Kourtney at the wheel. This is a total side note, but I have to ask: is it RIP Kardashian attendance at Sunday Service now that Kim and Kanye are separating??
March 2019
With all the paparazzi shots of them together, it wasn’t a shocker that the media wanted to know if Kourtney and Travis were truly a couple. But when asked about their relationship at the 2019 iHeartRadio Music Awards, Travis told People, “Kourtney’s like a dear friend. That’s it. I mean, I love her to death. I love her family to death. But yeah, just friends.” Really Travis? Couldn’t you just let the internet dream about the KK+TB fantasy a little longer??
November 2020 – January 2021
Between November 2 to January 26, Travis liked over 50 of Kourtney’s Instagram posts and commented on eight. The comments have definitely ranged from innocent/friendly to damn, these two are SO entangled… he’s used everything from the fire, mermaid, party hat, rose and christmas tree emojis. The one standout? A comment with actual words on January 5th when Kourtney posted a pic of the film True Romance. He said, “You’re So Cool” (which honestly, I can’t argue with).
And throwing her likes isn’t just a recent thing. He’s actually been regularly liking her photos since mid 2017, and before that, he was double tapping more periodically. On the other side of this, Kourtney hasn’t been commenting on his posts, but has liked a ton of his photos since summer 2017.
January 24, 2021
As you know, the internet has better detectives than the FBI, and people pieced together from Kourtney’s Instagram post and Travis’ stories that Kourtney and Travis were both at Kris Jenner’s Palm Springs house together.
January 24, 2021
Although Kourtney and Travis haven’t publicly DTR’d, an insider told People, “They’re in Palm Springs together. They’ve been dating for about a month or two.” Seriously, kudos to Travis for being part of the 1% who’s able to move out of the friend zone and into the… well, you know.
Here’s my conclusion: I don’t think the Kardashian team (Kris) would allow any insider to speak to the media unless Kourtney and Travis were truly dating. And I completely predict that they’ll last for the next year at least, because they have a ton in common: they both have kids, live in Calabasas, and judging from their restaurant choices, both eat vegan (at least, from time to time).
I’ll leave this off with two things: (1) I’m PRAYING that Travis makes an appearance in this last KUWTK season, and; (2) as a self-proclaimed Kardashian superfan, I’m 1000% here for Kourtney and Travis’ hotness and hope we get much, much more juicy content from them together.
Images: Dimitrios Kambouris / Staff/Getty Images; kourtneykardash, travisbarker / Instagram
For years, I thought that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were that rare celebrity couple that was immune to everything going on in the world around them. Both polarizing figures and lightning rods for controversy, they were a problematic fav power couple that seemed like they really were meant for each other. But in 2020, as Kanye has deteriorated from a problematic fav to just problematic, we’ve started to hear rumors—and see evidence—of cracks in his relationship with Kim. As much as I try to ignore Kanye these days, I can’t help but be fascinated by what’s going on with this marriage right now. So let’s look at all the evidence that a split may be in the cards for Kimye.
The Birthday Trip
Obviously, Kim got a ton of backlash for her recent 40th birthday trip to Tahiti, but her COVID consciousness is a separate issue. Personally, I can’t stop thinking about how Kanye’s presence on the trip was mostly concealed. He wasn’t in a single one of the photos that Kim posted (and she posted many photos), and the only reason we even know he was on the trip is because Kourtney tagged him in an Instagram story!
☀️ Girls just wanna have sun ☀️ pic.twitter.com/1jFfva1rrV
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) October 28, 2020
Now, one might think the bigger relationship red flag would be if Kanye had skipped the trip altogether, but that could’ve been easily explained away with work commitments, or the fact that he’s technically still in the middle of a Presidential campaign. Those would have seemed like excuses, but whatever; Kylie didn’t go on the trip either! But the fact that he was on that island, and he either wasn’t in any group pics or Kim specifically chose to post pictures without him? Every single alarm bell is going off in my head. I’m sure Kanye can be weird about taking pictures sometimes, but to go on a giant trip for your 40th and not post a single pic with your husband is not an indicator that your marriage is thriving.
The Birthday Hologram
For my birthday, Kanye got me the most thoughtful gift of a lifetime. A special surprise from heaven. A hologram of my dad. ✨🤍 It is so lifelike! We watched it over and over, filled with emotion. pic.twitter.com/jD6pHo17KC
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) October 29, 2020
We’ve known for a long time that these people are f*cking strange, but they sort of outdid themselves this time. On Thursday, Kim shared that Kanye’s 40th birthday gift to her was a hologram video of her late father speaking to her. The internet seems divided on whether this is a cute or creepy gesture, but I sincerely hope Kanye cleared this idea with Kim before spending however much a custom hologram of a dead person costs. Kim shared CGI Dad’s message to her, and the whole thing is a little strange. Robert praises his daughter for her businesses and her support of Armenia, then calls Kanye the “most, most, most, most, most genius man in the whole world.” Subtle. Did Kanye write the script for the hologram, because even for him, that’s a little much. On Twitter, Kim claimed to really love this gift, but idk, something feels off here.
The Halloween Photos
This morning, Kim shared her family Halloween photos, which are Tiger King-themed this year! (Curious whether Kim actually watched the show, or if her assistant just told her what to do.) The kids are little tigers, Kim is Carole Baskin (iconic), and Kanye is Joe Exotic. Oh wait—did I say Kanye? Sorry, I meant Jonathan Cheban. Yes, Foodgod stepped in for the family costume pics this year, and no explanation was offered for Kanye’s absence. Now, we know Kanye doesn’t love the family Halloween photos, and in the past, he’s usually worn costumes that completely conceal his face/body, leading to some speculation that it wasn’t actually him in the photos. But in the past, Kim at least wanted us to think that he was participating in the family costumes—this year, we just have to accept that Jonathan Cheban really is part of the family. Ew.
The Presidential Campaign
Now that I have your attention…this a reminder to VOTE. 6 days. pic.twitter.com/2UPuT9nilH
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) October 28, 2020
Back on July 4th, Kanye announced his run for President, adding on to the sense of dread that has accompanied most of this year. Kim retweeted Kanye’s initial announcement with an American flag emoji, but since then, she’s been 100% silent about Kanye’s run for President. She did not attend his first (and only) campaign rally in July, and in recent posts about voting, she’s notably chosen not to endorse, or even mention, any specific candidate. According to a People source, when Kim visited Kanye in Wyoming in July, she “urged” him to abandon the campaign, asking him to “focus on his mental health” instead. Kim opened up about dealing with Kanye’s mental health struggles in an emotional post around the same time, but when it comes to Kanye’s political aspirations, it doesn’t seem like something she’s willing to touch. Tbh, it’s a little unclear what Kanye is even trying to do with this whole campaign thing, considering he’s not even on the ballot in most states, but it’s hard to imagine he wouldn’t like a little more public support from his wife.
Who knows where Kim and Kanye’s relationship trajectory is really headed, but adding up all the evidence from the past few months, things don’t seem like they’re going great. With KUWTK wrapping up soon, it might be an ideal time for Kim to leave her marriage without quite as much public attention, but let’s be real, if they actually get divorced, it’s going to be a huge deal. Or maybe their divorce will be the series finale—that possibility has Kris Jenner written all over it.
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Images: Jaguar PS / Shutterstock.com; kimkardashian / Twitter; kimkardashian / Instagram
As we’ve learned over the years, if we can count on the Kardashians for two things, it’s their love for throwing chill, low-key birthday celebrations, and their ability to read the room. I kid, obviously. That’s why it was not at all surprising when Kim Kardashian posted a Twitter thread on Tuesday bragging about her recent private island getaway for her 40th birthday. Along with many photos of mask-less rich people having a great time in paradise, Kim wrote that the trip followed “2 weeks of multiple health screenings and asking everyone to quarantine,” and that it was a great way to “pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time.”
The thing is, things are not normal right now. We’re still setting new records for new COVID cases, a terrifying election is less than a week away, and the sun is about to start setting at 4pm. In another tweet, Kim acknowledged her privilege and said that “for most people, this is something that is so far out of reach right now,” but somehow that doesn’t make me feel better about the fact that I haven’t seen my family in almost a year.
Here’s the original thread, in case you need a reason to be mad today:
40 and feeling so humbled and blessed. There is not a single day that I take for granted, especially during these times when we are all reminded of the things that truly matter. pic.twitter.com/p98SN0RDZD
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) October 27, 2020
As you can probably guess, people online were not happy about Kim’s posts, and she was widely criticized for being tone-deaf. But along with the criticism, this was also a prime opportunity to clown Kim, which is an internet pastime we can all get behind. People quickly started pairing her ridiculous tweet with pop culture images, et voilà, a trend was born.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time. pic.twitter.com/JBNGix8tRM
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) October 28, 2020
But now that we’ve laughed at the memes and cried at the fact that we’re not on a private island right now, let’s go over some key details that we know about the trip. According to E! News, the private island is located in Tahiti, and Kim obviously flew all her guests there on a private jet. Fun fact: did you know that California still advises its citizens against traveling for non-essential reasons? That’s right! The state COVID-19 website states that you should “avoid travelling long distances for vacations or pleasure as much as possible,” and that “If you do travel, take steps to keep everyone safe like wearing a face covering, keeping 6 feet of physical distance from those not in your household, and washing your hands frequently.” Obviously, lots of people in California have traveled for non-essential reasons in the last seven months, but it’s clear that Kim & Co. weren’t wearing masks or taking any other precautions while they were on the island, even if they were tested beforehand.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time pic.twitter.com/21k9tuufph
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) October 27, 2020
Based just on the photos Kim posted, there were at least 20 people on the trip with her, which is more than I would ever want on a group trip, but to each their own. Along with family members, there are several other random friends in the pictures, but there are some things to note about who merited an invite. Rob was in attendance, along with Scott and Tristan, who both may or may not be back together with their respective Kardashian significant others. It’s unclear how many kids were on the trip, but Mason was in one of the photos, so if Scott and Kourtney aren’t together, maybe he was just there on babysitting duty.
But there was one person who was conspicuously absent from any of the photos in Kim’s post: Kanye. Over the past few months, there have been endless rumors about the status of Kim’s relationship with Kanye, but missing out on the 40th birthday trip would be a major development. Busy on the campaign trail, perhaps? For a while, it really seemed like he wasn’t there, but then Kourtney made us question everything when she posted a photo of Kanye riding a bike in the jungle on her Instagram story.
At first, some of my coworkers wondered if this was a photo from an old trip, dropped quietly on Kourtney’s Instagram story so people would see it, but it wouldn’t really make news. This seemed like a plausible theory, but based on the model of YEEZYs that Kanye is wearing, this photo couldn’t be from any earlier than summer 2020 (I hate that I know this), so I’m guessing he really was on the birthday trip. But if that’s the case, then WHY wasn’t he in any of Kim’s photos? This didn’t just happen by accident! Netflix, I have a suggestion for the next season of Unsolved Mysteries!
At the end of the day, there’s really nothing surprising about this whole trip, or the social media posts. Kim and her family have shown us who they are time and again, and I don’t really have the energy to be outraged. Kim is gonna do Kim, and I’ll just stay in my apartment for six more months, or until someone pays for me to take a private jet somewhere. It’s fine, everything is fine!
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Images: kimkardashian, betchesluvthis / Twitter; kourtneykardash / Instagram
If you’re familiar with our Photoshop Fail series, or really just if you ever go on Instagram, you’re probably familiar with the time-honored Kardashian tradition of Facetuning the sh*t out of all their pictures. From slimming their waists to stretching their legs, the Kardashian-Jenners have used every editing trick in the book to convince us that they look like completely different people. And out of this whole over-smoothed family, Khloé Kardashian is the Facetune warrior at the forefront of face-changing technology.
The problem is, Khloé clearly doesn’t know where to stop when it comes to editing her photos. Over the last six months of quarantine and social distancing, we’ve all found new ways to keep our minds occupied, and lucky for us, Khloé has provided our brains with a fun logic puzzle: struggling to recognize her in every single photo she posts. This year, she’s taken the photo editing to a whole new level, so much so that when this photo popped up on my explore page last week, I actually did a double take before realizing who it was.
Yes friends, that is Khloé Kardashian, from the shoot for her new collaboration with Ipsy. I don’t know what kind of editing software they used here, but it looks like she went through some bizarre algorithm that’s supposed to make you look like Beyoncé and Ariana Grande at the same time. Who is this woman, and how did we get here?? Let’s take a walk down memory lane—or at least back to May of this year.
When Khloé posted this set of photos, the internet reaction was intense, with many people proclaiming that Khloé had gotten a “new face” in quarantine, and others pointing out anomalies like the mysteriously missing necklace chain, her eyes being too large (and uneven), her massive, extremely white teeth, and her signature beauty mark not being visible.
I always suspected that there was more editing going on here than plastic surgery, and the other shoe dropped in August, when Khloé was shown in a KUWTK confessional interview from the same day. Same outfit, same hair and makeup, but her face looks almost completely different. So, for all the guesses about her quarantine procedures, it turns out Khloé just edited the f*ck out of her photos, as usual. Did she not realize we were all going to see a video that would expose the editing?
But while her photo from May was one of the more viral instances of Khloé’s photo editing addiction, it’s far from the only face she’s introduced us to on the ‘Gram. Last September, she posted this photo that honestly makes me physically uncomfortable to look at. Not only is her skin way too smooth, but her eyes are a telltale sign of too much Facetune. No one’s eyes look like that. The whites are way too white, and the irises look like they’re glowing from the inside. Idk why people insist on doing this, because it looks unnatural AF.
In February of this year, Khloé switched things up again with this overly edited shot featuring her in a denim bodysuit and bob haircut. Her makeup looks flawless, which is probably mostly real, but KoKo’s face is just not that symmetrical, and her jaw is not that sharp. We all have eyes!
This example from August is an interesting one, because it’s a pic of Khloé with True. Thankfully, Khloé didn’t Facetune her toddler, but she was up to all her usual tricks when it came to her own appearance. It’s a grainy selfie, but she definitely still smoothed her face and enlarged her eyes. But more importantly than the technical breakdown, she just doesn’t look like herself. That’s the problem with Khloé’s Facetune usage—it’s one thing if you edit all your pictures to look like the same version of yourself. But something is wrong when I have to double check every single time that it’s actually Khloé.
And just last weekend, Khloé kept us guessing once more, with these photos featuring her in latex pants and a printed corset. She looks amazing, except for the fact that her face has been remixed yet again. She looks extra tan like in her Ipsy photo shoot, but gone are the high cheekbones and eye shape that made her look like a completely different person. In this post, she actually included videos from the shoot, which would normally be a Facetune giveaway, but there’s clearly a heavy filter over the video, so Khloé may actually be getting smarter about her tactics.
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Man this heat wave is intense!! Isn’t it October??? Lex, This ones for you 😉
The wild thing about all this is that at the end of the day, I don’t even think Khloé Kardashian has had much plastic surgery done. I’m sure she’s played around with fillers, and maybe some light procedures here and there, but for all the fuss about her getting a “new face” every couple of months, it really all comes down to editing. The issue is, we all see Khloé on TV and in photos that haven’t gone through her editing process, so she’s not actually fooling anyone! But still, I’m excited to see what new and interesting editing tactics she can come up with next.
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Images: Vivien Killilea/Getty Images for Abyss By Abby; khloekardashian, Ipsy / Instagram
Welp… never thought we’d be adding “Keeping Up With The Kardashians gets canned” to our 2020 Bingo card, but here we are. Yesterday’s news that the famous family’s 14-year, 20-season-long (and like, 12-season-TOO-long) series would finally be ending came as anything but a surprise. Kim was first to drop the bomb on Instagram, basically telling fans that even they were sick of keeping up with themselves.
Kim thanked her fans in a lengthy message that could have easily been said in one sentence. She mentioned the global success that resulted from the show, including the spin-offs that brought us the Rob & Chyna content nobody asked for, and Scott’s fake attempt at actually doing manual labor by flipping houses.
Oh, and she also dropped this gem, saying, “Without Keeping Up With The Kardashians, I wouldn’t be where I am today,” which we (and by “we” I mean Ray J) all know couldn’t be further from the truth. But speaking of Kris Jenner, who exploited her daughter for fame by way of Kim’s very viral sex tape (genius move, tbh), the show’s cancelation sparked a wave of concern as to what the momager-slash-marketing-puppeteer will cook up next considering this big announcement is prob just part of the next major business scheme.
What if this announcement that KUWTK is getting canceled is just a publicity stunt for their new spin-off pic.twitter.com/b8ApV9nteZ
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) September 9, 2020
While previously spending her time hiding pregnancies, plotting family feuds and selling her kids’ sex tapes, Kris’ schedule just opened wide up, so, like, what now?
Here are some of our theories that you also didn’t ask for:
She’s Becoming A Real Housewife
No joke, I’ve been manifesting Kris’ permanent spot on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for the past 24 hours. This is actually a legit rumor going around that Kris is set to take her place as Bravo’s newest housewife of Beverly Hills, and fans are here for it.
#KUWTK is Kanceled? Kris is already plotting her comeback #RHOBH pic.twitter.com/YaB0x3iLCr
— Queens of Bravo (@queensofbravo) September 8, 2020
Since we watched Kris’s talk show flop right before our eyes, we know she won’t be taking after Kelly Clarkson any time soon. So consider her cameo on the show earlier this year, when she attended good friend Kyle Richards’ benefit party, her audition.
I can just see her intro tagline now…
She’s Managing Addison Rae
40-something-year-old Kourtney Kardashian and 19-year-old TikTok star Addison Rae’s friendship will forever live rent-free in my mind, because… how? Addison started hanging out with Kourtney because her son Mason was a big fan, but Kris Jenner came in and was all, “Hold my Tito’s.”
The fact that the Kardashians have begun conquering the TikTok world, using Addison as their gateway, is a sheer genius tactic that only Kris Jenner is capable of crafting. By being taken under Kourtney’s wing, Addison is exposed to even more fame, which is the perfect opp for Kris to benefit from Addison’s success… all while Mason’s friends taunt him with hot TikTok videos of his mom.
It’s a win-win, really.
She’s Producing Another Spin-off
Not gonna lie, “Keeping Up With The Kousins” has a pretty solid ring to it. Now that an entire army of Kardashian offspring has been created, this is Kris’s chance to document Mason’s booming TikTok career, North taking over the Sunday Service biz, and Dream’s life-altering decision to become emancipated from Blac Chyna. (Just spitballing some potential storylines.)
It might take some heavy convincing to get baby-less Kendall on board, but just imagine her future baby announcement segueing into the series premiere…
She’s Kanye’s Campaign Manager
I know our country is the saggy butt of a running joke and all, but how else do you think Kanye was able to secure a spot on the 2020 Presidential Election ballot in like, four states without some mastermind trickery and a deal with the devil? And who else do you think is brokering those deals between Satan, hmm?
Since Kanye’s smartest move to date has been un-endorsing Donald Trump, Kris has been secretly hustling the newfound “Birthday Party” in an effort to put an end to America’s two-party system, which would be her second most impressive accomplishment to date.
She’s Working On The Coronavirus Vaccine
Not to start rumors or anything, but it wouldn’t totally surprise me if Kris was part of a global vaccine scheme that contributed to the world domination of all humankind.
K, this is a stretch, but it’s true what they say: “The devil works hard, but…” you know the rest.
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Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com
On Tuesday, the Kardashian-Jenner family announced that, after 14 years and 20 seasons, Keeping Up With The Kardashians is coming to an end. Obviously, this is great news for some and heartbreaking news for others, but no matter how you feel about this family, it’s a big deal. The Kardashians are some of the most famous people on the planet—in total, the family has more than 850 million followers on Instagram—and through their show, they’ve brought us some of the most iconic pop culture moments of the last decade. Will you ever forget about the time Kim lost her diamond earring in the ocean? I, for one, will not.
So, how do we go about wrapping our minds around the Kardashian legacy? Of course, they’ve amassed tons of money and fame, and we’ve gotten some high-quality reality television, but Keeping Up With The Kardashians has had a massive impact in so many areas. As a way of looking back, here are all the ways our world might be different if Kim hadn’t made that sex tape, and E! had never taken a chance on this messy AF family.
I Would Only Be Able To Name Like, One NBA Player
I’m well aware that millions of people follow basketball religiously, but I am not one of those people, and I’m guessing most of you reading this aren’t, either. Through their dating patterns, the Kardashian-Jenner sisters have done a ton of work for NBA player awareness. I may not know anything about Lamar or Tristan’s stats on the court, but I know exactly how they betrayed Khloé, and I think that’s what really counts. Likewise, Kris Humphries will always just be that guy who Kim K was married to for 72 days. I love sports!
We Wouldn’t Have To Deal With Foodgod
The Kardashians already have a huge family, but over the years, they’ve introduced us to a whole cast of supporting characters on KUWTK and its spin-offs. While some of them are great additions (Scott, Malika), and others are just an average level of thirsty (Larsa, Stassie), there’s one who transcends his friend-of status and has become a true menace to society: Jonathan Cheban. From his desert-level thirst on camera to his beyond-obnoxious Foodgod persona on social media, Jonathan truly is all of our sleep paralysis demon. I’ve been blocked by Foodgod on Instagram and Twitter for years, which was actually a blissful period, but recently I’ve discovered his TikToks, and reader, I have not slept in weeks.
Jordyn Woods Would Be A Total Rando
Speaking of supporting players that KUWTK brought into our lives, remember Jordyn Woods?? When the whole Tristan and Jordyn mess went down last year (yes, that was only last year), the only reason it became such a huge deal was because Jordyn was Kylie’s BEST friend, and we watched them together on the show for years. And in 2017, when Kylie got her short-lived spin-off Life of Kylie, Jordyn was basically the second lead character. At the time, people joked about Jordyn being broke without Kylie’s friendship, but with plenty of fame and 11 million Instagram followers, she’s doing just fine—she just starred in a viral music video! She paid her dues at the Kardashian Institute of Best Friendship, and now she can basically do whatever she wants for the rest of her life. Happy for her!
Fit Tea & Facetune Might Not Exist
Okay, so that’s probably a little extreme—I’m sure if it wasn’t the Kardashians, someone else would have come along to promote unrealistic beauty standards and sow the seeds of body dysmorphia. BUT there’s no denying that the Kardashians have done an excellent (and by excellent, I mean terrible) job of this in recent years. The Kardashians have consistently caused controversy for their endorsement of products like appetite suppressant lollipops and waist trainers, as well as photo editing that toes the line between Photoshop and straight-up CGI. While their show is ending, it’s not like their Instagram accounts are being taken away, and I’m sure Khloé will continue to have a different face in every post. It almost feels normal at this point, which is pretty scary when you think about it. This must be a great day for Jameela Jamil.
We Wouldn’t Have Some Iconic Phrases
Even if you’ve never watched an episode of KUWTK (as some of my friends have recently confessed to me), chances are you’re still familiar with some of their oft-quoted lines. My personal favorite to throw into everyday conversation is probably “don’t be f*cking rude,” but there are many to choose from. If your best friend’s man is being shady? “This is a case for the FBI.” If you cook more than one meal for yourself in a week? “You’re doing amazing, sweetie.” And if your annoying aunt is complaining on Facebook about wearing a mask in JoAnn Fabrics? “Kim, there’s people that are dying.” All in all, the quotes are probably KUWTK’s most positive legacy.
Contouring Might Not Be As Popular
Look, the Kardashians obviously did not invent contouring. Drag queens have been doing this sh*t forever, and it’s far from the only thing that Kim and her fam have appropriated and put their own branding on—but that’s a different topic for a different day. But still, it seems unlikely that contouring would have become such a mainstream beauty technique if it wasn’t for Kim Kardashian. Hate the girl all you want, but her makeup always looks flawless!
Okay, so looking back on it, maybe it’s time for Keeping Up With The Kardashians to go. All good things must come to an end, and it’s clearly debatable whether this show was actually good. I’ll always cherish the memories of Kim hitting Khloé with a purse, and digging her fingernails into Kourtney’s back, and getting divorced after 72 days, but it’s time for them to hang it up. Who knows what’s next for this big f*cked up family, but they can put KUWTK to rest knowing that it literally changed the world.
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Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com
