I wanted to like Happiest Season. I really did. Even after it came out and I saw all the memes that were being posted, like these:
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I wanted to give it the benefit of the doubt that it wasn’t as bad as everyone was saying. And it wasn’t. It was worse.
Ok, that’s dramatic. All in all, it was actually a good movie. The characters were entertaining and the jokes were actually funny. Dan Levy, Kristen Stewart, and Aubrey Plaza all played themselves, which was fine with me. Did you see Aubrey Plaza in those power suits? Drool. I tried to overlook the vaguely tone-deaf response from the family after Harper (Mackenzie Davis) came out, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. The most infuriating part of the whole movie is how terrible Harper is to Abby (K. Stew) and they STAY TOGETHER. I was fired up about it. I still am. So much so that I will now list out chronologically all of the times that Abby should have broken up with Harper.
1. When Harper Told Abby On The Way To Her Parents’ House That She Lied About Being Out
They are mere minutes away from the front door before Harper says, “Remember how I said I told them in June and they took it really well? Well, I didn’t actually tell them.” FULL stop. Not only has she been lying for six months, she has been lying about the fact that her family is loving and accepting of their relationship. Abby thinks she’s on her way to join a new family’s tradition after not having one for years, and she is jammed back in the closet. Mayyyybe if Harper said something beforehand about them having to be a secret at home it might have been better, but not much.
2. When Harper’s Ex-Boyfriend Connor Showed Up Unannounced To Dinner And She Didn’t Do Anything About It
Ok, sure, Harper’s mom was the one who invited him, but that doesn’t change much. Abby gets up from the table upset and goes to the bathroom, and Harper follows her and promises it won’t happen again and distracts her with kissing her. And then he shows up at every event following that dinner. He is EVERYWHERE. Even out with her friends. Which brings me to my next point.
3. When Harper Ditches Abby Two Times In One Night To Stay Out With Her Ex-Boyfriend Until 2am
Abby is uninvited from a dinner because she is framed by those bratty kids at the mall, which Harper BARELY defends her for. Abby then goes for a solo walk around a town she doesn’t know and runs into Riley (Aubrey Plaza). They go to a gay bar, and Abby smiles for the first and last time in the whole movie. Then, when Abby meets Harper at a different bar, she is with her friends and Connor. Abby wants to leave, but Harper stays. So Abby goes home alone and doesn’t get a text back from Harper for hours. Cut to Harper sitting at the bar laughing and sharing a basket of fries with only Connor and no sign of her friends. It’s just so mean.
4. When Riley Tells Abby What Harper Did To Her
At the gay bar, Riley, Harper’s first girlfriend, tells Abby about why they broke up. Riley says they used to leave love notes in each other’s lockers, and one day Harper’s friend found one. Instead of fessing up or covering it up, Harper tells everyone that Riley is gay and is obsessed with her and won’t leave her alone. I know this happened in high school, but clearly Harper has a past of hiding her girlfriends and doing anything possible to maintain her image.
5. When Harper Is A Total C*nt To Abby The Morning After The Bar
Harper has the unmitigated gall to tell Abby that she is being “suffocating” after Harper spent 24 hours actively ditching her. Later, Harper questions Abby about hanging out with Riley. I had horrible flashbacks to being gaslit that I am suffocating when I was just trying to get a goddamn text back and the other person was the one who was out doing f*ck sh*t. That might just be a me thing, but I don’t think it is.
6. When Harper Is Only Hanging Out With Connor At The Family Christmas Party
At Harper’s family Christmas party, Abby is left alone YET AGAIN while Harper talks with Connor. Technically, Abby says “I’m done” and packs her bags, but Harper just cries and makes her feel bad and Abby stays. That’s when I really started to feel my blood heat up.
7. When Harper’s Sister Outs Her And Abby To The Whole Party And Harper Denies It
COME ON!!!! Abby *just* un-broke up with Harper, and then she goes and proves herself unworthy once again!! This was Harper’s chance to show Abby how serious she is about making it up to her, and she does the same shit that she has always done. Absolutely infuriating.
8. When Harper Chases After Abby And Cries To Her At The Gas Station
John (Dan Levy) gives Abby an inspiring speech about how coming out is different for everyone (didn’t love the ending when he insinuated Abby should wait around indefinitely for Harper to be ready to come out, but whatever), and ironically, Harper decides to tell her family the truth when Abby returns from her walk with John to get her things. Abby tells Harper it’s too late, and for a moment, I rejoiced. Then, Abby and John make a pit stop at a gas station where Harper finds them and begs for Abby’s forgiveness. Abby gives it, say, three seconds of thought and takes her back. Credits roll and you see they are engaged a year later. It is ABHORRENT.
I’m not saying Abby shouldn’t have dated her because she was in the closet; coming out to your family is serious and scary no matter how loving your parents are. It’s the fact that Harper dragged Abby through the mud and blamed it on “being scared of coming out.” Her actions are perpetually hurtful to Abby, and when Abby tries to stand up for herself, Harper cries her way out of it.
Anyway, that’s my beef. K. Stew, just know I would never hurt you like that.
Images: Jojo Whilden/Hulu; godimsuchadyke, xenaworrierprincess / Instagram
I think I’ve established, pretty vehemently actually, that I’m skeptical of everything that celebrities do. Yes, I still bring screenshots of their hair to my stylist, yes I still buy their sunglasses collaborations using their 20% discount codes, and yes, I monitor their social media accounts more closely than I do my friends and family members. But that doesn’t mean I’m so easily fooled! Only sometimes! And the one thing I will truly never believe is that any of their relationships are real. These people get paid to pretend! It’s easy for them! And I’m not just basing this on the fact that I personally can’t fathom why a rising actress would marry a Scientologist that jumps on couches, this is actually just a fact. Celebrities and publicists have even admitted to it. There are many reasons celebrity couples fake their relationships, whether it be for publicity, to keep a secret about themselves, or to horrify me with their fake kisses, the possibilities are endless! So let me tell you about my favorite couples that I BELIEVE (is that language cool, legal?) are faking it.
1. Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
So I think we all know by now that this one’s fake, right? We wrote about it extensively this past summer, as did anyone with eyeballs and the slightest hint of a pulse. Seriously, even the comatose were waxing poetic on the subject. So what’s the deal? Well, Camila and her boyfriend, dating coach Matthew Hussey (yes, apparently that’s a thing), broke up in June. Then, Camila and Shawn released “Señorita,” made a sexy music video, and bam! people thought they were together. They started teasing fans, until finally we got some aquatic makeout shots that I now see in my nightmares.
To me, it’s obvious this relationship is for publicity. I’m just saying, do not trust them!
^^Yes, this definitely helped your case.
2. Timothée Chalamet & Lily-Rose Depp
On to our second-worst fake kissers of the bunch. Timothée is a rising star who did something scandalous with a peach in a movie, I think? Unclear, since all I really watch is To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before on repeat, but I think I definitely heard something about a fruit. Lily-Rose Depp is the daughter of a middle-aged man who dresses like a pirate and appears to have anger issues, among many other things. Oh, and he’s Johnny Depp, if that wasn’t clear. Timothée and Lily-Rose have been rumored to be dating a while, but now they’re in a movie, The King, together.
The movie premiered in Venice in September, and the two seemed normal. AND THEN. We get photos like this! (scroll, pls).
Is this just how the kids are kissing these days? Maybe I’m the weird one? I mean, when I was 18 we were still waiting for Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince THE BOOK to come out, so it’s been a while. (Yes, I do have an extensive anti-aging routine, thank you for your concern). Also, these pictures are clearly staged. Paparazzi do not get this close to celebrities on private property unless it’s sanctioned by the celebrity. And why would anyone WANT pictures like this out? For the publicity! I bet you all want to see The King, now, don’t you? See, it’s already working. Wake up, sheeple!!
3. Kristen Stewart & Robert Pattinson
Look, Kristen seems to be someone who is passionate in relationships! We all saw those cheating photos with Rupert Sanders. Obviously into each other. And she is all over her girlfriends these days! But when she was with Rob, did you ever see someone look more miserable in their life? And she’s an actress! It is her job to conceal her emotions and mask them with different ones! And yet the only emotion she could summon up with Rob was “bitter teenager forced to eat dinner with her mother’s new boyfriend.” And he was no better. The only vibes he was giving off were “I just ate something that disagreed with me and there’s no bathroom in sight.” True love? I don’t think so. Again, this seemed like a plot to get attention for the Twilight films, and their fanbase ate that sh*t right up, ponied up a ton of money for the movies, and some even maintain TO THIS DAY that Robsten is a secret couple.
4. Taylor Swift & Tom Hiddleston
Again, and this is all my opinion if anyone on Taylor Swift’s team is reading this… Staged, staged, staged. No self-respecting man not in it for the fame and power would wear a tank that says “I Heart TS” out in public if he wasn’t getting something really good out of it. Like, more-press-than-he-could-ever-dream-of kind of good. Yeah, Tom was famous before he dated Taylor, but like, famous with nerds, not famous-famous. This helped him get famous-famous, but in return he had to pay with his dignity. I think he may regret it. (Taylor Swift™ No copyright infringement intended. Property of TAS LLC Management 2019©)
And there you have it, my favorite ALLEGED fake couples! Did I miss anyone you guys are convinced are faking it? I’m all ears for your theories. Go!
Images: Shutterstock.com; giphy (2), shawnmendes, enews / Instagram