The Most Expensive Celebrity Weddings

The winter months are finally behind us, and we are entering into the most beautiful season of the year. Wedding season! There’s almost always an open bar, shrimp cocktail, and the potential you’ll make out with your step-cousin. What’s not to love? In fact, I’m currently looking forward to my brother’s wedding, where, with the help of my unlimited Bar Method membership, I plan on outshining everyone and calling it “Cait’s Big Day.” See! These things are fun!

But I hate to break it to you: no matter how awesome your sorority sister Deborah’s all-inclusive Cabo nuptials were, they were a mere dumpster fire compared to the opulent events that celebrities throw for their weddings . I guess when you made a billion dollars on a sex tape, why not get married in a castle for the publicity to celebrate the third time you found your true love? It doesn’t make a mockery of the sanctity of marriage at all! This year, the main event we’re all waiting for this year is the marriage of the King and Queen of Extra, J.Lo and A-Rod, where I’m sure as a party trick they’ll have Instagram models lighting stacks of hundreds on fire, and serve champagne spiked with liquid gold. But since we don’t know exactly when that’s coming, I’ve decided to take a look back at the most expensive celebrity weddings of all time. Proceed with caution, because these numbers have been known to cause extreme jealousy and even rage blackouts.

1. Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra

You can’t mention extravagant weddings and leave out our most recent gluttonous celebrants, The Hottest Jonas Brother ™ and his Bollywood star bride, Priyanka Chopra. Nick and Priyanka had not one, not two, but THREE wedding ceremonies, all in the hopes of luring Duchess Meghan to just one, but apparently she was busy making Kate Middleton cry or whatever. Kidding! I mean, not kidding about the three weddings, I would never joke about something like that. I’m kidding about them trying to trap Meghan Markle into coming, I’m sure they know she already dropped them faster than ABC dropped Quantico.

One of the weddings (don’t ask me which one, I’m already exhausted from this story and I have numerous disgustingly ostentatious weddings to go), took place at the Umaid Bahwan Palace, a royal palace-turned-hotel in India, which costs $60,000 a night. They also put on a fireworks display and wore custom Ralph Lauren designed outfits. I know you’re wondering, “Did poor Nick Jonas have to spend all his Camp Rock money on this wedding?” and the answer is a resounding NO! Thankfully, our lovely couple got practically the whole thing covered by sponsorships including Tiffany & Co, Longchamp, and Elit Vodka. I hope you all are able to get sponsors for you own weddings, because is it even true love if you aren’t getting paid for it?

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And forever starts now… ❤️ @nickjonas

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2. Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries

TBH I totally forgot Kris Humphries existed until last week, when he decided it was important to let the world know he is the proud owner of a Five Guys franchise. Congrats! This revelation really just made me hungry, but it also got him into this story, so I guess he can call it a win?

In case you also forgot about Kris, let me refresh your memory. His wedding to Kim reportedly cost $10 million, $20K of which was spent on the cake that they all enjoyed, and then they immediately went to their plastic surgeon and had the fat the cake left on their waistline injected into their asses. I’m just speculating, but we all know it’s plausible. This wedding is especially fun because it involves math! If you spent $10 million on a wedding that last 72 days, how much did that cost you per day? Probably more than Kris’s Five Guys franchise will ever take in, that’s for sure.  (It’s actually $138,888.88 per day, if you’re seriously curious).

3. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West

After Kris Humphries, Kim decided she needed a more famous husband fell in love with longtime friend Kanye West. So, in typical girl-with-no-shame fashion, she decided to throw yet another obscenely expensive wedding.

Kim and Kanye got married in Italy at the Forte di Belvedere, which cost over $300,000 to rent. There was a performance from Andrea Bocelli, and her gown was Givenchy Haute Couture. Okay, now listen hard, because this is the only nice thing I’m ever going to say about Kim Kardashian: I kind of liked her dress. Now excuse me while I go burst into flames. Anyway, the lovely couple was married amongst their friends and family, except for Rob, who deemed himself too fat to attend. If only we could all use that excuse Rob, IF ONLY. When all was said and done, the event cost around $2.8 million, according to E! Online. That sounds atrocious, but TBH the cost per day is WAY less than her wedding to Kris Humphries, so it was practically a bargain.

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4. George and Amal Clooney

When the ultimate bachelor announced his engagement, the world was stunned. Everyone thought that George would grow old with his motorcycle and Max, his potbellied pig. But he gave it all up to eventually run for office marry a gorgeous British human rights attorney. Fine, if you had to settle, George, I guess she’ll do.

The pair got married in Venice, with their A-list guests arriving by boat and looking every bit the movie stars they are. Everyone stayed in Cipriani hotel suites that cost a reported $3 million, and George looked dapper in his Giorgio Armani tux, while Amal wore a custom Oscar de la Renta gown, which she showed off on the cover of People magazine. The whole event cost over $4.5 million, and that doesn’t even include all the Casamigos Tequila that I’m sure George provided at no cost.

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Wedding ? #amalclooney #mariage #aboutclooneys #georgeclooney

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5. Prince William and Kate Middleton

Finally, we get to the royalty! The parents of the most badass member of the monarchy, Prince George, got married on April 29, 2011. Their wedding is unique because most things didn’t actually cost money. The castle for the reception? Oh no biggie, they own it. The tiara? A loaner from the Queen’s personal collection. Kate’s makeup? Oh, the future Queen consort will do it herself, thanks. So why the f*ck did this wedding cost a reported $34 million? SECURITY. That’s right! A whopping $32 million was spent to keep this event secure. And I guess it was worth it? All members of the royal family (as well as Pippa’s iconic backside) survived the event and have lived on to bless the world with their beautiful offspring, mediocre fashion, and petty family fights.

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So there you have it, all the sh*t celebrities waste money on for marriages that probably won’t last most expensive celebrity weddings. I wish there had been more circus performances and puppies serving appetizers to report on, but if that happened, no one is telling me. Fingers crossed J.Lo will do it!

Images: Giphy (2); priyankachopra, kimkardashian, about_clooneys, katemiddletonphotos/Instagram 

A Ranking Of Kim Kardashian’s Exes

Hey friends, it’s a big day. Today, October 21st, is the birthday of my personal idol and savior, Kim Kardashian. Or, more accurately, Kimberly Noel Kardashian-West. Mama KiKi is 38 years old today, and it seems like things have never been better. She’s rich AF, she has three beautiful children, and she’s still the hottest person on the planet (don’t @ me). The only thing that’s wrong? Oh yeah, her husband has lost his godd*mn mind. Things have been rough in Kanye-land these past few months, and people have even been wondering if Kim would leave him over his pro-Trump views. I doubt this will happen, but now seems like a good time to revisit some of Kim’s past relationships. I present, without a shred of scientific evidence, a ranking of Kim Kardashian’s exes.

5. Damon Thomas

It’s easy to forget about Kim Kardashian’s first marriage, because nobody GAF about Kim when she was married to Damon. But the story here is pretty sketchy. First of all, Damon is 10 years older than Kim, and they eloped when she was just 19. Okay, ew. They were married in 2000, and filed for divorce in 2003. They’ve kept quiet about the marriage, but their public divorce papers are really bleak. Apparently, Damon was super controlling, pushing Kim to get plastic surgery and spend less time with her family. Kim was also reportedly a victim of domestic violence, which is really sad. Thank God Kimmy got out of there when she did.

4. Ray J

Ah yes, Ray J. To be honest, I almost forgot about this relationship, even though it’s really what started the whole Kardashian empire. Ray J really ain’t sh*t, but it’s hard to be worse than the abusive husband. When the infamous sex tape came out, Kim filed a lawsuit about it, which makes it seem like Ray J was probably the one who leaked it. This is obviously not cool, and Kim reportedly settled the lawsuit for $5 million. Good job Kim, get those coins.

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B L O O D L O V E @rayjnprincess @princesslove @melodylovenorwood Photo by @shannonlaurine Styled by @hollylarry_

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3. Nick Lachey

Get ready for a throwback. Way back in 2006, Nick Lachey briefly dated Kim, right after he split up with Jessica Simpson. At the time, Kim was just a stylist, and the People article about them dating is hilarious. In the headline, Kim is just referred to as Nick’s “new gal,” which truly shows how much the world has changed since 2006. Kim, you’ve come so far. I’ve always liked Nick, even if this relationship wasn’t anything important.

2. Kris Humphries

Everyone can probably agree that the 72-day marriage was not Kim’s finest moment. It’s hard to say if anyone was really at fault here, but obviously this relationship was not ever meant to be something serious. I was never impressed with Kris, considering that he looks and acts like a caveman, and their relationship was a little too perfectly designed for the KUWTK cameras. He doesn’t seem like a bad guy necessarily, but I don’t really have any idea what he’s up to these days, nor do I care.

1. Reggie Bush

Let me be real, I kinda miss Reggie? He and Kim were together for years, and their relationship was a central part of the early seasons of Keeping Up. At the time, he was always really busy with his football career in New Orleans, and things didn’t work out. They split for the last time in 2010, and he subsequently married another Armenian, dancer Lilit Avagyan. What can I say, the guy has a type. He seems happy these days, but his years with Kim will always be a golden age in my mind.

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Morticia

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Kim Kardashian has definitely been spotted out with some other randos throughout the years, but I tried to hit all the important spots. Do you think Kanye will be an ex in the future, or will Kimye stick it out forever? There’s no way to know, but for now, I just hope Kim has a nice birthday.

Images: Shutterstock; @rayj / Instagram; @lilitslife / Instagram