Last month, I planned a solo trip to Puna de Mita, an under-the-radar (but not for long!) beach town on Mexico’s Pacific Coast. Shortly after I’d booked a casita at Imanta Resorts, I learned that Kourtney Kardashian visited the very same 12-villa resort in 2018, and she shared loads of photos from her vacation on her lifestyle blog, Poosh (best known for unseating Goop for the title of “least appealing onomatopoeia-slash-website-name”). I was already stoked about the destination: Just north of Puerto Vallarta in Riviera Nayarit, Imanta is a secluded, 250-acre patchwork of powdery beaches, lush green mountains, and peace and quiet. (There’s even an outdoor spa.) All the villas have private terraces and plunge pools, and looking over Kourtney K’s photos, I came to see she took full advantage of the photo opps.  

I don’t love taking (or viewing) photos of myself; I get awkward in front of a camera and usually give up on selfies after a couple stupid shots in which I don’t look how I think I do. My eyes go right to the flaws in full-body shots, and while I have loads of confidence in my intelligence, charm, ambition, and professional prowess (I’m a travel writer and novelist whose second thriller, THE HERD, set in an all-female coworking space, coming out this month), when it comes to my looks I can be a bit more self-effacing than vain. (And yes, I’m a fair-skinned woman with a below-average BMI so I’d like me to STFU, too.)

But these photos of Kourtney—they cracked me up. There was something cartoonish about the angles: legs flung about, butt thrust out like a baboon in heat. So I decided to replicate them, sans Photoshop, armed with nothing but my self-timer and iPhone tripod. It was one of the most ridiculous afternoons of my life, and the thought that kept running through my head was, “I really wish I were drinking something boozy on the beach right now instead of doing this.” But by the end, I was actually into it. Without further ado, here are the money shots.

 

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🌴🌺☀️

A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on Feb 6, 2018 at 10:49am PST

What’s incredible is that none of these poses were remotely natural or comfortable. Not one. Like, your hands just don’t go there when you’re sitting on the corner of a pool, and anyway, when do I ever sit on the corner of a pool in this manner? I smized at my iPhone across my villa’s pool while tightening my abs and squashing my hands awkwardly in front of my crotch, which pushed up my boobs but also distorted my upper-arm muscles. And I would NEVER think to do this with my legs for a photo, in part because it was extremely uncomfortable and I thought I might fall into the water. Honestly, I’m not as tiny as Kourtney, but I think I look kind of hot. (And no, I’m not objectifying myself by showing you me in a bikini, since it’s my call. Here, read this explainer from Everyday Feminism.)

 

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mujer feliz

A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on Jan 25, 2018 at 2:10pm PST

Kourtney got this shot in front of the resort’s public lounge, the Observatorio Bar, but I did my best to recreate it in my villa because I do, believe it or not, have a modicum of dignity. This photo was my white whale, and not just because it’s really really hard to not look bulbous whilst balancing awkwardly on not one but two very high bar stools. (Plus, my #TacoTally was at 22 at this point; I’d been keeping track on my Instagram Stories because this is the kind of Quality Content™ my followers expect). You can see the look of panic in my eyes by this point, dozens of attempts in. Also, how do Kourtney’s legs never have the appearance of separate tensed muscles when holding such poses requires the control, balance, and clenched quads of a Cirque du Soleil performer? #deepthoughts

 

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guac is extra

A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on Jan 24, 2018 at 1:18pm PST

I want you all to know that I was deep into capturing this photo when I heard a knock on the patio door just outside the frame and two housekeepers waved and asked if they could take away the half-drunk bottle of wine I’d left out from the night before. I was flexing hard, and my iPhone tripod was precariously perched on top of a stool on top of a side table. OH HAI.

Anyway, no one looks good in this pose. Kourtney’s whole lewk likely cost more than my four-year education at a private university, and SHE doesn’t even look that good in this pose. I, however, was blessed with my mother’s booty, which is the opposite of gravity-defying; as a kid her friends deemed it a “slug-butt.” (Apparently in the halcyon days before the internet children were just super mean to your face, so good thing Melania solved cyber bullying last year). To get this, I had to arch my back but then tuck my pelvis so the focus would be on my butt and not the inevitable skin fold just above my waist. Kourtney, why. Whywhywhywhywhy.

I went on Kourtney’s guided jungle hike with some strangers and asked Keith, one such new friend, to take photos of me from behind as I walked. Because he’s a normal human with functional eyeballs, whenever we got to a pretty vista he’d be like, “Do you want me to take a photo of you here? Like, smiling and not facing away?” And I said yes and those photos turned out much better than this ass shot. I also didn’t notice until after that here Kourtney is hinging hard at the waist like a flopped-over Barbie, which wasn’t mechanically necessary for the gentle incline but does make her butt appear larger and her torso tinier thanks to the magic of perspective. I’m taking notes.

Also, special shoutout to Alex, the hiking guide Kourtney and I both had, who found a capsule collection that works for him and sticks to it.

 

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it’s the simple things

A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on Jan 23, 2018 at 10:56am PST

Dunno why we needed this one when we had that perfectly good other one of the same pool but, ‘kay. For this photo I had to drag the extremely heavy cement side table over to the corner of the pool and I smashed a toe in the process (the things I do for my art). I never did quite figure out how her back is so straight and yet her elbow is on her knee but then her hand is back behind her head. And I have long spider limbs. Also if I didn’t have that back arm out behind me I legit would have toppled into the pool, so yet again, mad respect to Kween Kourtney.

I made the poor waiter take this for me, and I was glad to see that KK had just as much trouble with the backlighting as I did. Let the records show that the guacamole, four kinds of chips, additional basket of chips, cactus salad, and passion fruit margarita (not pictured) were just Course One of a lunch that slid right into lobster tacos. (The food at Tzamaika Ocean Grill is GOOD.)

During my solo photo shoot, I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes—I was awfully eager to get the shot and go order some tacos. But going through the photos later and thinking thoughts like, “Damn, those tits don’t quit”, I had to admit that being vain is pretty fun. (I’m from the Midwest, where they take you out and pelt you with stones, Shirley Jackson-style, if you accept a compliment without fervent deflection, so this was, indeed, a revelation.) I didn’t feel like a Kardashian, because to me there always seems to be a sheen of insecurity under the poses and angles and blue steel smize. Instead, I felt like I was channeling Lizzo, Beyoncé, J.Lo—hot AF women who seem to adore their bodies not just for how they look, but for how they can feel…i.e., good as hell.

Imanta is private and calm, a screensaver-esque loop of birds flying and waves crashing and palm trees swaying in the breeze. For a few days, the only words I read were on my Kindle or the drink menu. When I started the journey back to New York City, I was bombarded by ads: huge words and images telling me I’m not thin, beautiful, rich, sexy, or cool enough as-is. I won’t ever stage a photo shoot like this again, but will I channel the same hot-bitch vibes? Absolutely. 

Images: Andrea Bartz (6); kourtneykardashian / Instagram (4); Poosh (2)

Welcome back for another installment of the Fad Diet Diaries, a series in which I slowly but surely destroy my already fragile relationship with food, one dumb celebrity regimen at a time. The celebrity in question this time around is one Kourtney Kardashian, a woman who manages to look better middle-aged and after three children than I looked at 21 and before I discovered Postmates. Today is Kourtney’s 41st birthday (not that you’ll be able to tell by anything about her), and in honor of that I did the only thing I know how to do: emulate her diet and then complain about it. These are my stories.

While this particular diet was short-lived, a mere three days, my journey to get to this point actually started a little over a year ago. In February 2018, Kourtney Mary Kardashian released her daily meal plan on her app. These were pre-Poosh days, practically prehistoric. I paid $2.99 for said app (and then forgot to unsubscribe for months, leading to many subsequent payments) so I could get the dirt, and then write this piece about it.

While it’s the cardinal rule of the Internet to not read the comment section, I literally always do because I’m a masochist in constant need of validation. Sometimes it’s rewarding, sometimes it’s soul crushing, and very rarely will I actually respond to things. But a year ago, one kind soul asked if I’d be embarking on the Kourtney Kardashian diet, which seemed like a fair question considering what I do here. Me, being a naïve fool, threw out a cheeky “stay tuned” and left it at that, not realizing the financial burden I was about to undertake.

Well ThristyIPhone, you have stayed tuned for a whole year. Thank you for your patience. I am finally ready to tell you about my journey to becoming Kourtney Kardashian.

I don’t know if you’ve all heard, but Kourtney Kardashian is rich as f*ck. After a little research back in 2018, I learned that her supplement regimen alone was going to be over $100, and that was before I even got to groceries. In news that should surprise no one, Kourtney’s honey of choice costs $40. $40!!! In that moment, my dreams of eating like a Kardashian, even for a short period of time, died. I bid Kourtney farewell and set out in search of other, more cost-effective way  to destroy my metabolism. It only took us a full year to realize that companies might actually donate to our cause.

We’d like to give a huge shout-out to our friends at Bulletproof for sending me their Collagen Protein and Brain Octane MCT Supplement, both of which I enjoyed enough to continue using in my regular day-to-day life. Unfortunately we weren’t able to source Kourtney’s blue-green algae or bone broth powder of choice in time, but I think that may have been a blessing in disguise.

All in all, this wasn’t a bad experience. In fact, without having to buy most of the expensive items for myself, it was pretty manageable. Turns out it’s not that hard to be a Karadashian, assuming you have a chill five hours to spare in the morning and limitless funds to fuel your antics.

Kourtney’s routine is very morning heavy. She wakes up, immediately takes collagen on an empty stomach, waits 20 minutes and then drinks a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water, waits an undisclosed amount of time and then has a vegan probiotic shot followed by a supplement-stuffed avocado pudding that she makes herself, works out, then comes home and eats breakfast. That all sounds super nice for someone with a flexible schedule, but I have to be at work by 9am, which means I was waking up at 5:30am every day to try and work all this in.

The schedule that I painstakingly built out the night before fell apart almost immediately. There was a significant learning curve here for me, someone who has never had collagen or attempted to eat a blended avocado in her life.

Schedule

• 5:30 – Wake up and immediately drink collagen
• 5:50 – Wait 20 min – 1 tbs ACV with water
• 6:00 – Probiotic shot
• 6:10 – Avocado smoothie (with MCT oil)
• 7:00 – Workout
• 8:30 – Oatmeal

Things were off to a rocky start right off the bat. I now know that the vanilla collagen that Bulletproof sent to me tastes great mixed in coffee, or likely most beverages that aren’t a glass of room temperature water, but Kourtney said she takes her on an empty stomach. I wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, and it was 5:30 in the morning, so I mixed two scoops into some water and hoped for the best.

I, uh, wouldn’t recommend it. I would, however, recommend mixing it into some mint tea, which makes for a lovely wake-up, and is what I proceeded to do for the next two days.

Twenty minutes after that, I poured a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar into another full glass of water and basically chugged it. As someone who loves vinegar, this wasn’t as bad as most people might expect. As someone who hates being hydrated, it was a struggle.

Next came the guess work. Kourtney didn’t specifically detail how long she waits between the apple cider vinegar and the probiotic shot, but I had a schedule to maintain. My goal was to finish everything at least 45 minutes before my 7am cycling class and then just pray that was enough time to keep my from puking it all back up. It’s a glamorous lifestyle I lead, but someone has to do it.

I take back everything I’ve previously said about vegan probiotic shots, because it was a dream (not to be confused with Dream Kardashian, who is a baby and not a vegan supplement), truly the highlight of my entire Kourtney experience. I went with the Vanilla Chamomile GoodBelly Super Shot, which I ended up having to actually buy but was fairly affordable, all things considered. Kourtney drinks two of these a day, one in the morning and one at night, and it became the one thing I looked forward to most in the day. A light at the end of a very long dark tunnel full of avocado pudding.

Let’s talk about this avocado pudding.

Every single day of her life, Kourtney blends one whole avocado with one cup of organic coconut milk and two teaspoons of her exorbitantly expensive honey, tosses in some MCT oil, bone broth powder and blue-green algae for good measure, and then proceeds to actually eat it, like a complete and total sociopath.

Full disclosure: I did not buy Kourtney’s bourgeoisie honey. Yes, it has health benefits. No, I do not care. I used regular, poor person honey. I don’t think that my experience would have been any different otherwise, but I guess we’ll never know.

To every food blog that convinced me it would be delicious: f*ck you. Truly, from the bottom of my heart. Consider this my declaration of a formal blood feud. My grandchildren will be forced to murder your grandchildren in the streets, full on Hatfield-McCoy style, all because you lied to the Internet in a misguided attempt to impress Kourtney Kardashian. Was it worth it? Was it?

It’s not like I’m avocado adverse. I’m a millennial. I am a white woman. I am a millennial white woman from California. I’m a walking billboard for avocados. I’ve eaten more than my fair share of them, smeared across every surface imaginable, actual flavor profiles be damned. During Whole30 I ate guacamole with a spoon for lunch on more occasions that I’d like to admit. But this avocado pudding is an affront to God. I managed to swallow two whole spoonfuls before I poured the entire thing down the drain, where it continued to torture me by emitting the most offensive odor I’ve ever encountered when I started spraying it with hot water in the hopes that it would cleanse it from my sink, and memories, forever.

Taste aside, there was no possible way that I could eat an entire bowl of coconut milk avocado soup and then continue to go about my day in any kind of functional way. I sure as hell wasn’t going to be able to work out after. Maybe Kourtney’s schedule allows for more flexible timing, but I was cutting it close on my agenda as is. I’m not going to wake up at 4am and then further punish myself with that concoction. I had, at long last apparently, found my line.

Me: This pudding is the single worst thing to ever happen to me
Kourtney:

So needless to say, the pudding was removed from my regimen immediately. I opted to pour the MCT oil into my morning oatmeal and call it good. I haven’t looked at an avocado the same since, which is unfortunate because Kourtney eats about three of them a day.

As anyone who’s ever watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians knows, those ladies love their salads. But considering the fact that I don’t live in Calabasas, and I’m assuming the Health Nut doesn’t ship lunch orders, I was on my own here. Kourtney’s description of her daily lunch salad was vague at best, only telling us that it usually involves chicken or salmon and some kind of homemade dressing. Enter Poosh: my source for all things Kourtney.

Much of this diet was built out by merging the information disclosed on Kourtney’s app with what I was able to uncover through Poosh and assorted food blogs. It wasn’t an exact science, but it felt like the best route considering I couldn’t just text her and be like, “Hey girl, why do you hate God and love avocados? Also, $40 honey???”

Poosh directed me to Kourtney’s Signature Salad, which became the base for my lunch for all three days of the diet. I added arugula (because honestly, what the f*ck) and salmon to round it out and keep myself from starving, but otherwise stuck with the recipe. You know what smells really good in an open-space office at noon? A salad full of salmon and hard-boiled eggs.

For snacks Kourtney opts for fresh fruit, raw almonds, or (you guessed it) more avocados. Specifically, avocado hummus with fresh vegetables. Do not come within 100 yards of that woman with a pita chip, so help me God.

I will admit, the hummus was a bop. Not only did it taste great, but nothing makes you feel quite as smug and self-assured as telling people you made your own hummus. It’s literally the easiest thing in the world, but in just ten minutes I had fully transformed into a lifestyle blogger.

“I diverged from the recipe and added extra lime juice, which I think balanced out the avocado nicely, but it’s really what you make it!” – something I actually said to a coworker, as if I invented hummus or limes. Kourtney was changing me.

After work I would come home and do another round of apple cider vinegar and a probiotic shot. These became so par for the course that I am comfortable saying I could probably drink straight vinegar at this point. Call it an added perk I guess.

Dinner had perhaps the least parameters of any meal thus far. Kourtney’s app said she likes a “homemade asparagus soup, sometimes a healthy turkey chili when it’s cold,” and Poosh gave me absolutely nothing. Luckily the weather was horribly depressing this week, the perfect conditions for a healthy turkey chili.

The chili wasn’t bad. In fact it was pretty good, considering I couldn’t add a heaping amount of cheese and sour cream as I usually would. But, it did get old. Fast. I have a feeling Kourtney doesn’t make one (far too large) pot of chili, and then proceed to eat it every night because she maxed out her weekly grocery spend on three days’ worth of organic groceries and probiotic shots. In fact, I’m willing to bet that Kourtney has a freshly prepared dinner every night of the week, one that is both incredibly healthy and tasty, and likely prepared by someone who doesn’t pat themselves on the back for managing to blend garbanzo beans and avocados together without incident.

Because the reality of the situation here, and something that I probably didn’t need to tell you all, is that Kourtney has the resources to make these this diet both manageable and accessible. She’s got time, limitless money, and what I’m assuming is a full-time staff at her disposal. I, tragically, have zero of those things.

The next two days continued the same as the first, albeit with a few less hiccups. I woke up at 5:30am every day, worked out, and painstakingly accounted for every single thing that I ate. And, against all odds, I actually felt better for it. Obviously three days isn’t enough time to inspire any real change in my body, but I can’t discount the fact that I just feel better. Despite waking up earlier than I usually would, I’m more rested than I can remember being in a long time. I’ve slept better this week than I have in months. My thoughts are clearer, my skin is brighter, and I’m generally more confident in what I’m consuming. Sure, all of that could be a placebo effect, but I don’t really think that’s the case.

While time consuming, this routine has had the positive effect of making me stop and take stock of every single thing I’m putting in my body. As a result, not once in the past three days have I felt guilty about something I’ve eaten, or worried that I’m indulging. Arguably I shouldn’t feel like that on a normal day, but that’s a discussion for another time.

It’s no secret that better ingredients make for a better lifestyle. It’s even less of a secret that money unlocks those opportunities, as well as a wealth of others. What I’m saying here, is that we shouldn’t be surprised that Kourtney looks as good as she does. If I continued living like this, worked out like she did, and didn’t have to worry about trivial things like money, I probably would too.

Coming out the other side of this endeavor, all I can say is that we as a society can no longer claim that Kourtney Kardashian has no talent. She’s a mother. She’s an entrepreneur. She’s potentially a witch with access to a fountain of eternal youth. But most importantly, she manages to eat that cursed avocado pudding every single day, which makes her a stronger woman than I will ever be.

Images: Giphy (4)

While my editor is taking a nap from covering the tidal wave of Kardashian Kontent that won’t seem to end, I’m taking the liberty to address the latest earth shattering news from the Klan: Kourtney Kardashian FINALLY has a REAL JOB. Kourtney has been low-key on the track towards joining the workforce, starting with her press tour advocating for makeup and household products with less toxins. Kourtney stepped it up yesterday by announcing she has a new project coming soon called “Poosh.” It’s a project that’s named after her daughter, which means P has ascended to the role as Kourtney’s favorite child. Sorry, Reign! It’s really touching to see that Kourtney and Penelope have settled their differences and come a long way since Kourtney slammed a door in Penelope’s face. Thanks, family therapy!

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C O M I N G. S O O N. @poosh

A post shared by Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) on Mar 4, 2019 at 12:18pm PST

Kourtney posted this nearly nude photograph of herself with absolutely zero context and no allusion to what the hell Poosh is. So mark that as the first time the Kardashian family has ever left something to the imagination, like, ever. If you go to the Poosh Instagram account, you’ll notice it’s basically just a grid of the same photo above, with more images of Kourtney Kardashian superimposed in. There’s a link to “get on the list”, and not much else. Interestingly, the account has 2.2 million followers already, even with no information about it, and yet I’ve been trying to break 2,000 followers for the past few months and I actually post fire memes. It’s fine, I’m fine. But then I noticed that the @poosh account is just the old dash account, and it put everything into perspective. I was wondering what happened to that account

After a deep dive on this upcoming project—I checked out the “Poosh” trademark online and saw what it was for (and then Us Weekly wrote about it after, so it really wasn’t worth the effort)—I learned it’s a website that has blog posts about a wide range of subjects from entertainment to health to parenting. Basically, it’s just a website version of her old app that got shut down. Hopefully, this site won’t be subscription based and won’t have posts that are about things we already know encompassed into three sentences.

This family is all about bringing the drama, so I really think this lifestyle website is a step in the right direction to keep the Kardashians in the headlines. Think about it: Gwyneth Paltrow’s website gets backlash, like, all the time. From doctors with legit PhDs to representatives of culture’s she’s re-appropriated to f*cking NASA, Gwyneth has offended more people than any Sascha Baron Cohen movie or South Park episode ever could. So imagine how many mommy-shamers and fit chicks will get offended by this website. People who need to get a grip plus the Kardashians is a beautiful equation for trashy-chic gossip that you know will make me feel way better about myself than any yoga retreat or green juice cleanse ever could.

I love oil enemas! I recommend them to all of you freaks…trust me when I say life changing! #kktny

— Kourtney Kardashian (@kourtneykardash) November 28, 2011

Will this lifestyle website inevitably lead to us entertainment writers developing Xanax addictions to deal with the never-ending, overwhelming influx of more Kardashian gossip? Probably. Looking forward to your clickbait on gluten-free, dairy-free enemas and $5,000 festival wear that plagiarizes crafts made by the Navajo tribe, Kourt!

Images: kourtneykardash / Instagram; kourtneykardash / Twitter

For those of you who have been living under a rock, spent your Sunday hungover, or just came out of a coma, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian are in a huge fight. Kim and Kourtney’s fight is convoluted and figuring out WTF was going on honestly killed some of my brain cells. Luckily you have me to fill you in so you don’t have to do all the research yourself.

To recap, in last night’s season premiere of KUWTK, Kim and Kourtney had a major disagreement over the scheduling of their family’s Christmas Card photoshoot (this episode was shot in November, before you start @ing me in the comments). While Kim was putting a lot of effort to avoid conflicts with the whole family’s schedules, Kourtney didn’t seem to GAF. Kim then called Kourtney the “least exciting” to look at, which tbh is kinda true but super harsh and not really material to the scheduling issue at hand. Understandably Kourtney stormed out, and to make matters worse, it appears no one ran after her.  

Khloé then called Kourtney on speaker to try and make peace, but Kim made like Trump on Twitter and basically blew up any chance for a productive resolution. Kourtney called Kim an “evil, distraught” human being and announced that she will “move to another state at some point, or another country.” She then later said that she “cannot wait for that day and hopefully just won’t have to have these fake relationships.”  Wait, hold up, Kourtney said WHAAAT? These relationships are FAKE????!!!! What else has Hollywood been lying to me about??

While some viewers believe Kris Jenner orchestrated the whole feud to generate more ratings (probable), others are convinced their feud was genuine as Kourtney refused to attend Kim’s baby shower for Chicago. Kim hoped that Kourtney would put the feud behind her for the family event, but when she didn’t, Kim said, “So, I don’t think she’s big on family because if she was, she would be at my shower.”

Kourtney upon hearing this, probably:

Even though this feud happened months ago, it seems feelings are still raw, as the sisters went at each other last night on Twitter while reliving the fight on TV with the rest of us. We would be shocked to learn that this was just a PR stunt to get KUWTK ratings up and prefer to believe that Kourtney is, in fact, the sole Kardashian that slightly resembles a normal human, even if it makes her the most boring.

At the end of the day, we can’t feel that bad for any of the Kardashians as they’re making millions of dollars to fight with their siblings. The rest of us just do that for free.

Images: Giphy

Kourtney Kardashian is proof that your body can actually look better with age. She’s also proof that people seriously buy that shit you pass in Whole Foods and ask, “Organic mushroom cordyceps? WTF has this world become?” Aside from working out on a daily basis and adhering to a strict gluten-free, dairy-free diet, Kourtney Kardashian’s diet includes shit-ton of weird supplements and wellness tricks. Like, it’s worse than you’d think. I’ve always been down to try different wellness routines and health tricks, so I took a look at Kourtney’s daily routine and picked five wellness rituals I thought I’d be able to stick to for a solid amount of time. I quickly eschewed the spoonful of ghee butter every morning, but I found five that seemed realistic. Here’s what I learned.

1. Probiotic Supplement

I’ve already raved about the benefits of daily probiotics on this site, so this one was easy for me to take on. I’ve taken different multivitamins and iron supplements in the past and had never actually felt their effects, but when it came to taking a probiotic, it was a game-changer. Probiotics are basically healthy bacteria for your gut, and they help balance the microbiome in our bodies. They’re supposed to improve the immune system, lower blood pressure, and help regulate digestion. I took one in the morning before my coffee, and within a couple days, I already felt like my digestion was better and my stomach didn’t hurt at all during the day. IDK what brand Kourtney Kardashian’s diet includes but I assume they’re all pretty similar, so get on board.

2. Apple Cider Vinegar

Kourtney has raved about this one for a while now: The daily ACV. Kourtney drinks a tablespoon of organic apple cider vinegar mixed with water in the morning, and she claims it does wonders for her skin and body. I was kinda skeptical about this one because the idea of drinking vinegar on an empty stomach makes me wanna hurl, but I sucked it up and did it. Honestly, I’m not sure if it did anything for me. It actually made my esophagus feel pretty acidic and weird, and mixing it with water just made it taste like watered down vinegar. Not a fan.

3. Vegan Probiotic Shot

A key part of Kourtney Kardashian’s diet is the vegan probiotic shot that she takes in the morning before her avocado pudding, and honestly I still don’t know what this is. Luckily I live down the street from Pressed Juicery so I asked them for anything that related to a vegan probiotic shot. They gave me their Digestion Shot, which turned out to be a tiny bottled concoction of ginger, probiotics, parsley, aloe vera, celery, moringa, and yup—that goddamn apple cider vinegar again. The actual shot tasted pretty good and it wasn’t hard to get down. I’ve taken ginger shots in the past when I’ve felt a cold coming on, and this was a piece of cake compared to those things. But like, not actual cake, obviously. It’s essentially a shot of celery and aloe vera. Keep expectations low.

4. Gallon Of Water

I know a gallon of water seems like a lot, but if you’ve watched enough episodes of Keeping Up, you know what the Kardashian’s supply of refrigerated Smart Waters looks like, so it’s not that surprising that this girl is chugging water all day. If I had a designated fridge for water I’d probably drink more of it, too. Anyway, drinking a gallon of water everyday was difficult, especially in the winter. When it’s warm out it’s probably easy to get more water down, but I live in New York City and I don’t really feel like chugging a 24-pack of Poland Spring when I’d rather be sipping on a hot cocoa. I was also running to the bathroom to pee every five minutes. Why don’t they show that on the show?

5. Vegan Protein Supplement

Kourtney eats a lot of lean protein sources, like grilled chicken, fish, and eggs, but she also adds vegan protein powder to her post-workout shakes for some added protein. Once again, IDK what brand Kourtney uses, but I bought an organic blend of pea protein and brown rice protein from Whole Foods and mixed it with vanilla almond milk after my workout. Honestly, it was pretty good. Vegan protein is known for being a little more grainy and not as creamy as whey protein powders, but after an aggressive shake, the powder mixed pretty well and tasted kinda like a watered down vanilla milkshake. It sounds gross but like, it’s a vegan protein shake… IDK what I expected. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.

Images: Giphy (5); Shutterstock

I’ll be totally honest that I don’t exactly Keep Up with the Kardashians, but like, I hate-stalk Kylie with every fiber of my being, so that’s got to count for something. But in terms of the OG Kardashian sisters, I don’t know a whole lot about them, other than what I gather from other Betches articles. Like, Kim is the vain one (I am the Kim of my family), Khloé is the funny one, and Kourtney is the healthy one who like, cares a lot about eating organic and gluten-free shit. Right? I think I’ve got the bases covered. And given that Kourtney is also the hottest one (don’t fight me on this; her face has changed the least over the years compared to her sisters), it’s understandable why people would want to know what Kourtney Kardashian eats. How does she look better at age 38 with three kids than I do after a good week where I stick to my diet and fitness regimen? I mean, probably because she has a very expensive plastic surgeon personal trainer and her livelihood literally depends on her having a desirable physique. But other than that, her diet probably plays a role. So what does Kourtney Kardashian eat to stay skinny? Let’s investigate.

On Kourtney’s members-only website (who is paying for this?), she revealed some key ingredients she swears by. As we all know, Kourtney went gluten- and dairy-free last spring, but she also has a serious sweet tooth, because LOL! She’s just so relatable. Kourtney previously told PEOPLE that she uses gluten-free flours like almond and sweet rice flour. Groundbreaking stuff. She also uses lots of coconut products like coconut oil and coconut flour. Apparently, behind the paywall on Kourtney’s website, you can find recipes for some of her fave coconut recipes, like coconut macaroons and pudding. And that’s how she sticks to her diet while still “indulging” in bootleg desserts that sound gross. IDK, I feel like if you’re about to go bake a cake out of coconut flour, you should either just make a regular fucking cake or eat some fruit. It’s like Ron Swanson says: Don’t half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.

If there are people out there who are really paying to see Kourtney Kardashian’s coconut macaroon recipe, please comment below because I’ve got a bridge I’d like to sell you.

To our future kids and citizens of the Kardashian States of America,

We want to express our sincerest apologies for the dystopia you live in today. We feel responsible for this, because believe it or not, there used to be a time when the Overlord Kris and her 5,000 grandchildren didn’t rule the Earth. It’s shocking, we know, but we’ll do our best to explain.

A very long time ago, back in the ancient 1970s, Kris was just a nobody flight attendant, until she married a wealthy lawyer named Robert. They had four children together, who you know as Queens Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé, plus another one named Rob, who they killed off several years ago. Their family became famous when Robert Sr. successfully defended a murderer in court, which seems extremely ominous now that we think about it.

Anyway, Kris grew the dynasty by remarrying Olympic athlete Caitlyn Jenner (known at the time as Bruce), and having two more children: Princesses Kendall and Kylie. All the siblings helped cement the family as celebrity trash gold by starring in several iterations of a reality show called Keeping Up With the Kardashians, fucking a lot of rappers, and making a few sex tapes. It was all just fun and games at the time, but it got out of control a few years later, when they continued fucking rappers and spawning more and more children faster than we could keep track of.

We’ll admit that we let this happen by religiously watching their lives and enjoying every minute of it. We followed their love triangle clusterfuck, and were genuinely curious about everything from their lip and butt injections to what was in their salads. But how were we supposed to know that this was just the tip of the iceberg? We thought Kanye 2020 was a joke at first.

So please accept our condolences for the fact that solid food is now illegal, and you have to say the Pledge of Allegiance to Kylie in the morning at school. We feel especially sorry that Caitlyn put her face over the Lincoln Memorial, but we’re not sorry that Taylor Swift has been permanently exiled. Since we can’t undo the damage that’s already been done, it looks like we’re stuck dealing with the royal family for the long run. And yes, this is why all of your names start with “K.”

Oops. Our bad,

The Betches