Kourtney Kardashian Is Trying To Teach Her Followers How To Eat Apples

It’s been several months since Kourtney Kardashian launched her Goop knockoff lifestyle website, Poosh, and I’ll be honest, I haven’t really kept up with it. Sorry, but my personal self-care routine doesn’t include taking advice from someone who put up with Scott Disick’s bullsh*t for that long. But Poosh has kept on going, and today I randomly decided to take a look at what content Kourt has been putting out lately. Surprisingly, I was not that impressed with what I found! But like, not in a good way.

Along with some questionable pseudoscience, Kourtney’s site is full of all the lame beauty, food, and ~wellness~ content you’d expect. Amid tips on the best “clean-ish bronzers” and an article in which Kourtney chose her own perfume as her “Pick of the Week,” one piece on Poosh stood out to me as especially non-life-changing. Let’s discuss Poosh‘s groundbreaking work of journalism, “3 Ways to Enjoy Sliced Apples This Fall.” I can already smell the Pulitzer Prize.

Don’t be fooled by the article’s classification as a “Recipe,” because there is absolutely no cooking going on here. In fact, there aren’t even any instructions on how to slice the apples. While the article claims that you get more flavor if you “strategically slice” an apple, there’s no reference to the actual strategy here. Right off the bat, I feel cheated. Kourtney, you gave us your legendary technique for eating a Kit Kat, and I need the same level of instructions for how to slice an apple!

Within the first paragraph, it becomes apparent that this article is sponsored by an apple brand called Envy Apples. I guess I never really realized that there were different brands of apples, other than the fact that golden delicious apples are trash. Come for me in the comments, see if I care. In the article, the “experts” at Envy Apples are quoted as saying, “When eating an apple by the slice, a person tastes more of the sweet flesh than skin, and tastes the flesh first, which emphasizes the flavor in the experience.” Personally, I  prefer biting into a whole apple like an animal, but whatever, it’s not that deep.

Here’s one of the (blurry AF) photos that Envy Apples provided for the article, and the apples aren’t even sliced! I really feel like we’re getting mixed signals here.

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The beautifully balanced sweetness of Envy is featured in @poosh, the modern lifestyle guide founded by Kourtney Kardashian. When you are equipped with Envy, you’ll be living your best life. ⁣ ⁣ Link In bio to POOSH article. ⁣ ⁣ #poosh #instagood #happy #bestoftheday #foodie #delicious #healthylifestyle #healthyfood #foodstagram #eatclean #fresh

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Let’s get to the three ways that sliced apples are going to change your life. Guys, are you ready? I don’t think you’re ready.

First, we have “A deconstructed version of a Waldorf salad.” The Poosh article neglects to explain what a normal Waldorf salad is, so let me explain for us uncultured swine who can’t remember every fancy salad by name. A normal Waldorf salad consists of chopped apples, grapes, walnuts, and celery, all mixed with mayonnaise. Not really for me, but it’s a classic. According to the Poosh article, you should “make the apple slices the hero of the salad instead of hiding them among other ingredients.” Um, I’m not exactly sure what they want us to do here. Am I supposed to just eat a plate of apple slices with grapes and a whole stalk of celery? Do I just arrange all those items separately on a plate, and dip the ingredients in the mayonnaise (vom)? There is not enough information here. But upon further examination, do I even want more information?

The second idea is “Rethinking the cheeseboard.” You guessed it—Kourt wants you to put apple slices with cheese. Revolutionary concept, nobody’s done that before. Here’s the entire description: “Rather than apple slices being left out or put to the side, highlight the spectacularly sweet flavor of Envy apple slices by placing them among your favorite artisanal cheeses.” I’m literally getting dumber reading this. God forbid that apple slices get left out!  This actually could have been a decent suggestion if they had included some specific cheeses that pair well with the apple slices (off the top of my head, cheddar), or maybe a jelly or dip to go along with them, but no. Just place them on the board, and you’re done!

And moving right along, the third tip in the article might actually be the most underwhelming one, which is saying something. You’ve probably never thought of this, but you can “Replace unhealthy chips with apple slices.” Omg, SUCH a good idea! But honestly, this barely even counts as an idea. At least the other two involved pairing the apple slices with other foods, but this one is just… eating apple slices. Telling me that I can’t have chips isn’t going to make me enjoy the apple slices more, it’s just going to make me depressed.

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When you slice an apple, you taste more of the sweet flesh than skin, and taste the flesh first, which emphasizes the flavor in the experience. Link in bio to full @poosh article @poosh #poosh #delicious #delight #fresh #fruit #satisfying #foodie #instagood #biteandbelieve

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So, in short, Kourtney Kardashian’s three revolutionary ways to enjoy sliced apples this fall are all… just eating sliced apples. Personally, I’ll never be the same after reading this article, and I really hope that Envy Apples feels like they got their money’s worth out of this sponsorship deal. How will you be enjoying sliced apples this fall? Do you prefer your apples whole? Let us know in the comments! But actually, lmk if you want me to roast more Poosh content, because I’m telling you, this whole website is a treasure trove.

Images: Shutterstock; envyapples (2) / Instagram

We Went Through Kourtney Kardashian’s New Site, POOSH, So You Don’t Have To

For weeks, Kourtney Kardashian has been teasing POOSH, her mysterious new lifestyle project. We explored some of the possibilities of what POOSH could be, but now we can finally stop wondering. POOSH officially launched today and…it’s basically just Kardashian-themed Goop. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised, but I was hoping for something a little more exciting than this. I’m actually a little salty, because I signed up for the email list to be notified about the launch, and then I never even got an email! I really need to be on top of the latest POOSH news, so I feel like Kourtney and her team have let me down. But whatever, I’m still addicted to this sh*t. In honor of all of Kourtney’s hard work and dedication poured into this project, let’s take a little tour of the POOSH site and see what her new lifestyle brand has to offer.

Upon heading to POOSH.com, the first thing showcased on the homepage is an interview with one other than Kris Jenner. The title of the post is “Kris Jenner On What It Takes To Be A Boss,” except they’re trying to do something interesting with the capitalization of words, so the title is actually “KRIS JENNER on What It TAKES To Be A BOSS.” I’m tired already, and I haven’t even watched the 11-minute video interview yet. The video is actually super awkward, because Kourt and Kris are sitting on a couch that’s obviously like, in the corner of one of their houses. The audio quality sounds like they’re underwater, and it’s obvious that this sh*t has a lower production budget than Kylie’s makeup tutorials.

In the interview, Kris yells at someone who coughs off camera, and she also shares some important info on how she’s such a boss. Here’s a quick rundown of what Kris Jenner’s typical morning looks like:

So basically, her life is just like yours! I’m sorry, but if I have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning to be a boss bitch, it’s just never going to happen for me. I could get down with glam every morning, but that wakeup time just isn’t meant for me. After watching Kris’ mildly insightful interview, I looked at the “Related Article” suggestions, and quickly noticed that every single one is about Kourtney. Here’s a sampling of POOSH’s groundbreaking content:

“What Kourt Does Before a Big Night Out”

“Clean Beauty Products Kourt Uses Every Day”

“How Co-Sleeping Has Worked For My Family”

“The Items Kourt Always Travels With”

“Kourt And Her Friends Get A Dr. Diamond Insta-Facial”

All of these sound like great articles, but instead, I decide to check out Kourt’s “TRAVEL DIARY: Punta De Mita.” Kourtney is rich AF, so are her travel diaries stuff she actually does, or are they meant to be more accessible? Turns out, the answer is NEITHER! Kourt’s “Travel Diary” consists of two short paragraphs about how much she loves Mexico, and then a bunch of pictures of her in various swimsuits. She does say the name of the resort she stayed at, but that is the only piece of useful information in the entire post. If you’re looking for a travel guide that’s more than 160 words, check out our new Vegas Bachelorette Guide—take notes, Kourtney!

After learning about all the natural wonders of Punta De Mita, I only have the mental capacity for one more of these articles, so after scrolling past “Cool Books For Your Coffee Table” and “Ingredient Spotlight: Turmeric,” I decide to check out an article titled “How to LOOK GOOD NAKED.” (More of that capitalization I love!) Aside from telling me to hit the gym several hundred times, I’m eager to find out what tips Kourt has for tricking people into thinking I’m hot.

In the intro, Kourtney reminds us that “the most important thing to remember is to love the skin you’re in,” and the way to do this is apparently by buying a lot of stuff. The article is a glorified product list that’s split into five wildly varied categories: Scrubs, Body Creams, Hydration, Lighting, and Posture. The “Lighting” section is just a bunch of candles, so clearly the secret to looking good naked is to be in a completely dark room. Finally, a piece of advice I can actually use! Almost all of the candles are over $50, so looking good naked comes at a cost. Thanks for the hot tips, Kourt!

Throughout the site, there’s consistently a banner ad for the POOSH Instagram account, and it’s deeply unsettling. It says “WE GIVE GOOD GRAM” (not a thing), and is accompanied by a couple poorly outlined cutouts of lips. Are they Kourtney’s lips? Why? I’m not going to follow POOSH on Instagram for a multitude of reasons (mostly my ratio), but these lips are really not doing anything to persuade me.

Overall, my impression of POOSH is not that positive, but not that negative either. Basically, it’s the same thing the Kardashians tried to do a few years ago when they all had their own apps, but now it’s in website form. At least this time it’s free. I won’t deny that Kourtney is in great shape, has a great life, and seems to be reasonably knowledgable about living a healthy lifestyle, whatever that means. I’m not sure she’s a gifted writer or interviewer, but she’s rich enough to do what she wants. For me, the main issue is that I’m never going to feel okay about saying the word “POOSH” out loud.

Images: @kourtneykardashian / Instagram; POOSH / YouTube; POOSH (2)