People always accuse Kourtney Kardashian of being the most boring Kardashian, largely because she doesn’t seem to have the most hectic work schedule compared to the rest of her family (or most contributing members of society). Her own sisters agree with the haters: Khloé once told her mom on national television, “Kourtney is no dynamo, she’s like watching paint dry” and Kim told Kourtney to her face that she’s “the least interesting to look at.” However, I beg to differ. Sure, in a family of women who have extensive CVs (and a brother who has a sock line), it may seem like Kourtney doesn’t do much except take bikini selfies, date barely-legal models, and eat nothing but apple cider vinegar shots and salads out of large bowls. But you know what? She does boast a pretty illustrious career, but it’s just often eclipsed by Kim getting the cover of Forbes or Kylie’s cosmetics website literally breaking Google Analytics because her products are in such high demand. But that doesn’t mean Kourtney’s list of career achievements doesn’t matter. Check out some of her accomplishments that will put your LinkedIn to shame!
Non-Toxic Cosmetics Advocate
Any of the dozens of people who actually pay attention to Kourtney’s lifestyle that’s gluten free, dairy free, nitrate free, paraben free (you get the picture) know that she is really passionate about being super preachy and condescending about it. So of course, she stopped lecturing her fake-tanned, silicon injected family members and took her message straight to Congress. That’s right betches, Kourtney went to Washington D.C. to talk to important political people about putting harmful chemicals in products. When’s the last time you took action like this? And no, sharing that Kony video on Facebook back in 2012 doesn’t count as taking action. Anyway, did Kourtney get anything resolved? No. But the fact that Kourtney Kardashian wore a business suit for once in her life and got to speak to Congress about makeup is still noteworthy.
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I went to Capitol Hill with @environmentalworkinggroup yesterday to advocate for safer personal care products because everyone, including children deserve to be protected from chemicals in their products we know cause harm. It's time for Congress to do its job. Stand with me and take action today. #BeautyMadeBetter
Any businessperson knows that creating an app is where it’s at these days. How can we forget that the Karjenners all came out with apps? Sure, these apps recently got shut down, but that doesn’t mean Kourtney shouldn’t be proud of the #content she put out there. She wrote a couple of sentences of watered down information on health stuff that has already been written about a million times, and posted personal family photos that would inevitably be on every entertainment news site, like, 10 minutes later. This app was just GOOP for Dummies, because the people who downloaded it were stupid enough to pay $2.99 a month for it (AKA me) and were too stupid to know how to cancel their subscriptions (also me). It’s still something she can add to her resume!
Being a reality star does take talent! No, I’m serious. You have to bring your A-game in terms of drama, your confessionals have to be both juicy and witty, and you must provide moments that are perfect for viral memes and GIFs for our readers’ group chats. Is Kourtney the most compelling star of the show? LOL no. But she turned a blind eye to Scott’s cheating, partying, and plethora of other issues not just because she loves him, but because he is the funniest cast member, and they somehow needed to keep him linked to the family so he could stay on the show. Way to take one for the team, Kourt!
Cosmetics Line Collaborator
Kylie’s makeup brand is one of the hottest makeup brands out there. Well, 75% of the makeup can really only be worn on Halloween and or at festivals, but at least degenerate teens hosting rainbow parties can use 100% of the lip kits! But still, it’s pretty popular. I’m sure it took a lot of strenuous, um, minutes for Kourtney and Kylie to peruse the Pantone website and come up with a whopping four eyeshadow palettes and three lip kits. And sure, Kylie’s makeup line is so full of chemicals that you can’t even wear it when you’re pregnant and one girl even got sent to the hospital because of its ingredients, but at least it got Kourtney out of the house to do something besides a pap walk. (Also, don’t forget that these products are something that Kourtney publicly condemned. Repeatedly. On her reality show. And her app. And in front of Congress.) But you know what? It’s still a career highlight for Kourtney that she barely contributed to her little sister’s makeup line. Snaps for Kourtney!
One-Time Soap Opera Actress
How can we forget Kourtney’s appearance on One Life to Live? Well, actually, it’s pretty easy to forget because I honestly didn’t know that show was still on since the ’90s. I know what you’re thinking: how can she can be considered a good actress since she has a monotone voice and always sounds so irritated and bored that you would think she’s in her fifth hour waiting at the DMV with a low phone battery? Well, no one watches that soap opera except for stay at home moms in the Midwest who have nothing to do between Zumba and slaving over a Betty Crocker casserole. I think they use that show as background noise in retirement homes as well. The bar isn’t really set high for those demographics in terms of talent. So by those standards, Kourtney totally delivered!
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Okay, so this isn’t exactly as touching as a Sarah McLachlan commercial for SPCA. I’m not defending the fact that she has the charisma of a bowl of Cream of Wheat in this video, but at least she’s advocating for better sushi.
Furniture Designer (Almost)
Kourtney is really passionate about having a nice mansion, and it even made the cover of Architectural Digest. In one episode of KUWTK, Kim and Khloe gave Kourt sh*t for not having a project she’s passionate about. In turn, Kourtney talked about how she’s starting a furniture line. I think this happened like, one or two years ago, so you would think that we would’ve heard updates about it by now. I’m not sure how long a furniture line takes to create, but Kathryn from Southern Charm announced her furniture line for kids, like, months ago, and her Instagram story is constantly showing her progress and how excited she is for it. Hopefully Kourtney will come out with a furniture line so she can have something in common with Southern Charm’s breakout starlet besides a boob job and terrible taste in men. It takes a lot of energy and creativity to develop a furniture line, but to Kourtney’s credit, it takes a lot of energy and creativity to say that she wants to develop a furniture line. You go, girl!
Okay, you know what? I really tried here today. Even Kourtney said herself she has no idea what her profession is. And the fact that I put in a lot of effort in this is what matters and it’s easily more effort than Kourtney has put into anything, like, ever. But at least this bad b*tch is making bank for simply existing. This has been fun, but I’m gonna go cry at my desk now.
Images: Shutterstock; @kourtneykardash / Instagram (2); Giphy (4)
Every year, people say “this is the year of devastating celebrity breakups!” Look, we’re all really sad that Jenna Dewan and Channing Tatum didn’t work out, but 2018 was surprisingly a year of toxic couples staying together (???). Pete and Ariana obviously didn’t make it, but things have been weirdly stable other than that. For what it’s worth, when these couples actually break up, the fallout and drama will probably be incredible to watch. But for now, here are some of the most shocking celebrity couples that made it through 2018 (relatively) unscathed.
1. Tristan Thompson And Khloé Kardashian
Okay, this is an obvious one, because Tristan cheated on Khloé while she was pregnant. I’m sure that her family is trying to save face right now by pretending to get along with him, but it was obvious in recent KUWTK episodes that they despise him. I get that he’s 6’10”, makes really cute babies, is 6’10”, is extremely good looking, and is 6’10” (I’m terrified), but let’s not forget that Tristan cheated on Khloé while she was LITERALLY carrying his child.
He’s also been caught since the cheating scandal getting way too flirty with other chicks in public. I get that Khloé wants to try and work things out for the sake of True, but how can Tristan even look that adorable, mushy little baby in the eyes when her name is a reminder that honesty and loyalty clearly isn’t his forte? Also, never forget that Khloé and Tristan did that cringeworthy maternity photo shoot. Obviously, I blame him instead of her for that fiasco, because did I mention that Tristan cheated on Khloé when she was pregnant?
2. Scott Disick And Sofia Richie
When Kourtney and Younes broke up, Sofia was in need of, like, a Pez dispenser full of Xanax. I love Sofia, but even after all this time, I can’t shake the feeling that Scott is only dating her to piss Kourtney off. Here’s what I’m thinking: Justin Bieber was Kourtney’s rebound after dumping Scott, and Sofia is Justin’s ex. What stings even more is that Sofia is Nicole Richie’s little sister, and Nicole and Kourtney basically grew up together. It was also recently discussed on KUWTK that Scott and Kourtney both want another baby. Someone even suggested that they just have another one together. Stranger things have happened.
Let’s not forget that Scott refuses to throw Sofia a follow on Instagram, and barely features her on his feed. Meanwhile, he’s in every other picture she posts and even had his face as her phone case at one point. This is not the sign of a balanced relationship. He’s also literally been photographed borderline cheating on her. I honestly think at this point he’s just staying with her to prove to Kourtney that he was dating Sofia out of love and not spite. Maybe Scott and Kourtney will get back together eventually, or maybe they won’t, but you’ll never convince me that they’re not both thinking about it.
3. Justin Bieber And Hailey Baldwin
Did anyone see these two actually making it to the altar? No. Did everyone see them making it to a New York courthouse? Yes, but only in the sense of Justin getting into some legal drama and Hailey serving as a witness. None of us expected them to go their for their marriage license, because we all thought this engagement was a complete joke. Sources close to them justified the engagement by saying she had made him happy for the last three weeks of dating, so they decided to get engaged. They also said he was planning on proposing to her for weeks. How can you be with someone for three weeks and plan on proposing to them for weeks? The math just doesn’t make sense!
Fans try to justify it by saying “they got back together” but um, not really. In the past, they were casually dating and hooking up from time to time, but nothing official. Selena was the one who Justin wrote all those songs about and kept pursuing. He even convinced her to break up with The Weeknd. Yet Hailey’s The One? A part of me will always believe that Justin and Selena belong together. Sorry Hailey, but Justin can only keep up these thirsty Instagram comments for so long.
4. Emily Ratajkowski And Sebastian Bear-McClard
How is this marriage still a thing? He was her rebound after a three-year relationship. They knew each other for, like, five seconds before getting engaged. Sebastian even proposed with a ring that he made out of a paper clip. They also made it on our trashiest weddings list because they deprived us all of seeing Emily go all-out-influencer for her wedding. Also, it would’ve been dope to see Emily play the field for a while. In terms of her charisma and disposition, she seems like she has major Rihanna vibes. She’s a bad b*tch, and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see her single phase.
5. Jax Taylor And Brittany Cartwright
All right, allow me to paint you a picture of an actual adult male: he has had numerous affairs with women besides his significant other, an affair with a porn star, adamantly lied about said affair with this porn star at the expense of others, has a sh*tty fake tan, and is a reality star. I’m talking about Jax Taylor. This guy is clearly never going to be monogamous. Whenever I tell someone that I write about Vanderpump Rules, eight times out of ten they will tell me that they know someone that’s hooked up with Jax. That’s not a great track record, I gotta say. Brittany seems sweet, and I just don’t want her to get hurt by Jax more than she already has. Whatever, it’s her life, but he’s a 39-year-old man, and it seems unlikely that he’s going to change his ways at this point.
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Last night was amazing and to top it off I woke up to 1 million followers! This is unbelievable to me!!! Thank you guys so much for following my journey & supporting me, it means so much!! ???? – Always remember to smile, stay positive, and spread the love! ❤️❤️❤️ Happy Monday!
6. Mod Sun And Bella Thorne
In a lot of ways, Mod Sun and Bella Thorne are perfect for each other. They’re obnoxious, questionably talented, and a lot of people find them nauseating. But they’re like the Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne of America. They’re totally a perfect match because they’re the only people on the planet who could tolerate each other. Bella Thorne is what would’ve happened had I never stopped my “double vodka Red Bulls and whipped cream flavored vodka, make out with five guys in one night, scream-sing all the words to “Caribou Lou” by Tech N9ne” phase. But unlike me, Bella still has time to grow out of her questionable phase considering she’s barely legal.
Mod Sun, on the other hand, is 31. He’s a full adult. His tattoo situation makes him look like the doodles of a 7th-grader, if that kid also spent his time shoplifting from Hot Topic and doing whippits. And did I mention they named their dog Tampon? Is it supposed to be ironic that the most unhygienic couple on the planet named their dog after a feminine hygiene product? Or are they just trying to be obnoxious? Who’s to say? Either way, I have a lot of questions here.
But congrats to all these happy couples for making it through the dumpster fire that was 2018! Can’t wait to see who will break up and who will get prematurely engaged next year.
Images: @khloekardashian / Instagram; @sofiarichie / Instagram; @commentsbycelebs / Instagram; @emrata / Instagram; @brittany / Instagram; @bellathorne / Instagram
The past few months, Scott Disick has been cycling through underage girls faster than Kourtney can scream “I’M DOING WHAT’S RIGHT FOR MASON AND PENELOPE.” It seemed like something more might be developing last month when he took Bella Thorne to Cannes with him, but she went home after like, one day and was swiftly replaced with some other chick. Bella went back to hanging out with her old ex, and Scott clearly found a different, um, pleasure source. We thought that was the end of Scott and Bella, but not so fast.
Bella, who has spent more time lately being a thirst trap on Instagram than being an actress, posted a picture earlier this week in a tiny bikini pretending to eat a burger. At first it just looked like standard thot behavior, but upon closer inspection, we’ve deduced that she’s standing in Scott’s backyard. There aren’t many places with a view like that, but it looks like Scott might be busy enjoying the view of Bella’s ass.
So are Scott and Bella a real thing, or are they just
doing over-the-pants stuff hanging out? It’s too soon to know, but clearly Scott gives negative fucks about what people think about him. At 19 years old, Bella is probably a little young to be a stepmommy to his three kids, but she’s Scott’s ideal age for a sexual partner *shudders*. We’re not sure what this means for all the other girls that have been hanging around him in the last month (*cough* Sofia Richie), but they’ll probably find some other C-list celebrity to pretend to be “just friends” with.
Long live Scott and Bella, maybe they’ll at least make it til the end of the summer?