‘Riverdale’ Recap: The Man In Black Is Not Will Smith

Hello friends! Welcome to this week’s recap of Riverdale, or as I call it, A High School Story Written By Someone On Psychedelic Drugs. You may have noticed that I’m not It’s Britney, Betch. I’m sorry, but your old reviewer can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Because she’s dead. Kidding! She has, like, a life or something?? So I volunteered as tribute. I’ll try to do her hilarious recaps some justice here, but I’m only human.

I’m sure you want a reminder of what happened last week, and for all my effort to forget it, it seems to have lodged its way into my skull like a piece of shrapnel you can’t remove, but one day might kill you. So let me refresh all your memories. In the episode, Veronica gets her Archiekins exonerated (somebody tell Kathleen Zellner she can go home), but he goes on the run anyway and breaks up with her via payphone. I also think Joaquin was murdered, the gargoyle king paid a visit to the Cooper house, and Alice casually surrendered Betty over to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, and yada, yada, yada I’m just watching for Archie’s abs.

We kick off the episode with Archie and Jughead on their quest to go literally anywhere else, so they don’t get murdered by Mr. Kelly Ripa and his little gang of thugs named after fast food. They stumble across YET ANOTHER payphone, and Jug stops to call Betty. Look guys, I am willing to suspend my disbelief. Sure, have a teen fight club in a prison. Sure, have a mysterious “gargoyle king” torment a town. Sure, have everyone in said town have red hair. BUT I DRAW THE LINE AT THIS MANY PAYPHONES. I will not believe it. It’s 2018. They no longer exist. Archie wouldn’t know what to do with one if he saw it. Can’t they just use a burner phone like everyone else on the run? For f*cks sake.

Archie actually attempting to use a payphone:

But I digress. Betty is obviously not answering the phone. Dun dun dun. Jug leaves a voicemail. AS IF!! Wtf even is a voicemail? This whole scene is pissing me off. Methinks we need some millennials on the writing staff.

Anyway, Archie and Jug are hoping they can find a place to lodge, so naturally when they spot the barn from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre they think it’s a great place to lay their heads. They are immediately stopped by a tween with a shotgun and her sister that looks suspiciously like Riley Keough (please don’t let it be Riley! I can’t bear for Elvis’ spawn to have fallen so far!) because DUH this is clearly a murder house. Archie and Jug make up some story about how they got robbed on the train, and that worked well enough to convince the shotgun sisters that they should pretend everything is cool and feed the boys now, and then skin them and wear them as suits later.

Riley brings a pile of blankets and is obviously interested in making one into her coital bed with Archie. Wait till you see his abs my sad, lonely farm girl. JUST WAIT FOR IT.

Early in the morning Jug goes to town to take some pictures, and Archie stays at the farm to ask Riley to lick the sweat off his chest.

I’ve got some bad news for you all. If you thought that the barn was murder-y, just wait until you see this abandoned sh*thole of a town. TBH if I accidentally strolled onto Main Street here I would just say “oh so this is how it ends,” and let the rapture take me.

And what do ya know, some of the symbols that were burned into the backs of the nerds that played G&G are graffitied on walls in Murdertown, USA. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I NEVER COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.

Jug approaches the sole inhabitant of the town, sitting in front of their local Killers ‘R’ Us, and she tells him that the jingle jangle and the fizzle rocks came and ruined them. I wish I made that sentence up but unfortunately it was verbatim.

Okay WTF is this scene? Archie is shirtless in jeans and Riley is shaving his “beard” with an old-fashioned razor. As if this is a barbershop and not a stash house for the people she just disemboweled.

UM EXCUSE ME, ARCHIEKINS?! Riley is so turned on by Archie’s semi-nude state and the blade she has to his neck that she just HAS to straddle him during this little personal grooming session. Archie tells her he has a girl back home, but not until after he has enough material to jerk off to in his sleeping bag tonight.

Me RN:

Archie immediately starts spewing the truth. He tells her his real name, Hiram’s name, why he left town, his astrological sign, his entire birth story, and where Lily and James Potter are hiding. He is literally the worst fugitive ever. I have a very bad feeling that Riley is actually one of Hiram’s henchmen and goes by the name of Chicken Nuggets or something equally stupid and food related and Archie is f*cked. Just call it a cliche hunch.

We’re back to Jughead in town. He’s casually taking some pics of the gargoyle king graffiti to give his Insta some street cred, and then begins to talk to some tween girls who are playing G&G.

Unsettling tweens: Have you played before?

The tweens also tell Jug that all the men are gone because they are off building a prison and cooking meth. My apologies. I was clearly wrong about this town. It’s not murder-y at all.

They say the ringleader is a “Man in Black.” Please let it be Will Smith, please let it be Will Smith, please let it be Will Smith.

Well, well, well, I hate to say I told you so but actually I love to say I told you so. Ask anyone who’s met me. I was right about Riley/Chicken Nuggets because she just whacked Archie across the head with a frying pan. Honestly he deserved it for being so f*cking stupid. I’m on board with this.

Sh*t. The man in black is not, in fact, Will Smith. It’s everyone’s second favorite mafia Don, Hiram Lodge. And here he is, being led into the house by Riley Chicken Nuggets and her shotgun sister. While they’re inside, Jug unties his useless sack of dead weight, Archie, and fills him in. Archie is SHOCKED. Oh honey, I guess it was too much to ask you to be pretty and smart. Jug wants to make a run for it but Archie, emboldened by his recent massive head trauma, would like to stay and fight. But isn’t his stab wound still oozing pus? Perhaps he should wait until he’s at 100%.

It turns out Riley Chicken Fingers is trading Archie in return for her brother and father, and honestly that’s a good trade. Archie ain’t worth it, girl. Abs will fade, but stupid is forever. You need to get your family back. But when Hiram gets to the barn in his sleek new Club Monaco coat, Archie and Jug have already escaped.

Back at home, Veronica is ready to GTFO of the Pembrooke. Hermione tries to convince her not to go, but she’s not having any of it. Ronnie decides to move into her speakeasy. Not the best housing situations going on in this episode, but on a scale of murder barn to Nun’s Prison, I’d say this sits squarely at the top. Well done, V.

The next day at the speakeasy, Ronnie is complaining to Reggie about how she works “all day and all night” and they’re barely scraping by. Okay, what? When did everyone stop going to high school? I know it’s been a while since I was there, but did they make it optional? Veronica speaks to Elio, son of another crime family, and enlists his help with turning the speakeasy into a casino for one night only.

And now casino night is here! That was quick. I would have thought it would have taken more prep work. But then again, none of these teenagers are going to school so I guess they had time to set up? Guys, take it from someone who would GLADLY go back to high school, treasure those work-free moments while you can! There’s so much on Netflix!

I’m getting a very riverboat in the ’20s kind of vibe from this night. Anyone else? Reggie has some bad news for V, though: Elio hasn’t lost a hand all night. Oh, so you mean he’s going to scam her. What an unpredictable turn of events.  

Elio RN:

Veronica decides she needs to stop the metaphorical bleeding so she proposes one hand with Elio, winner take all. They’re playing for pinks the deed to Pop’s. In an incredibly tense moment where I could not even imagine what was ever going to happen, Veronica hits exactly 21 and shows Elio’s sad ass the door.

After much celebration, Veronica reveals to Reggie what actually happened. Her father warned her Elio would try to screw her over, recommended that she use his own personal shady dealer, and she beat Elio by cheating. Ronnie, it is a BAD idea to get back into business with your dad! Because now one day he’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse and then the next thing you know you’ll be leaving the bloody head of a horse in your boyfriend’s bed.

The next day, Pop decides to burst Ronnie’s bubble by telling her that Sheriff Minetta’s body was found in the marsh. But they can’t be sure it was him BECAUSE HE WAS DECAPITATED AND HIS HANDS SAWED OFF. Lovely. I have to tell you, this town is going to really need to do some serious damage control if they ever want anyone to visit again. They should get the people that do Iceland’s PR. That place is blowing up, am I right?!

And now we’re on to Betty’s story. I don’t love how our leads are separated this week. It’s revealed to me a sad, depressing truth: I find Archie’s story the most fun. I know. I hate me too.

Over at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, a nun is showing Betty ink blots and she’s pretending to be perfectly sane. They’re also giving her drugs and calling it a “treat.” TBH that’s what I called Amoxicillin when I was younger. That bubble gum flavoring was bomb. If you were actually wondering what was happening this whole time, never fear, Betty is narrating the entire thing. It’s incredibly annoying and very insulting that they think viewers wouldn’t be able to understand what was going on otherwise. Not all of us are as dumb as Archie!

After Betty ditches her drugs in the garbage can, her roommate ETHEL walks in. Oh hi Ethel, I should have known you were coming by the chill it sent down my spine. Ethel tells Betty that she’s been getting very close to the gargoyle king. Gross. Then she proceeds to hang up a “warrior board” that basically has the words “Mrs. Ethel Gargoyle King” scrawled all over it. Damn. I thought my freshman year roommate was weird because she changed in front of her dad one time while she thought I was taking a nap, but this is much more alarming.

Outside the Nun’s Prison, Betty sees Claudius Blossom delivering maple syrup, and then HIRAM LODGE SHOWS UP. Dude, can these teenagers go ANYWHERE without Veronica’s dad spoiling the party? Expect to see him at your next pap smear, ladies! If you’re on a first date, he’ll pop up! When you’re at your mom’s funeral, there’s Hiram! 

Later, Betty fakes a seizure so she can get closer to her medical records. She’s taken to the infirmary, breaks into their file cabinet, and finds out what they’re dosing her with. And it turns out HIRAM LODGE is the one who told them to give it to her. Told you. He’s always there.

Betty decides to escape, but unfortunately since they last broke Cheryl out of the Nun’s Prison, the escape route has been covered with bricks. These nuns may be stereotypically evil, but they aren’t stupid! That tattletale b*tch Ethel and her accomplice Sister Woodhouse find Betty and force-feed her the fizzle rocks. Then they drag Betty to FINALLY MEET THE KING. They shove her into the room and she screams.

We don’t get to see the king, but Betty does bless us with this poem to end the episode, “My king, my savior, ride me through the night, bless me with your darkness, gift me with your flight.” That’s beautiful. I’m going to put it in my vows.

Well folks, that was a wild ride! In my opinion, a little too much gargoyle king stuff and not enough of Archie’s body. There’s always next week!

Images: The CW; Giphy (5)

‘Riverdale’ Recap: All I Want For Christmas Is Some Goddamn Access To Hermione’s Black Card

This week on Riverdale, it’s the mid-season finale, and the promo is promising a lot of things—like the discovery of the Black Hood’s identity and also the Christmas from hell. Honestly, I’m not sure how they’re going to top last week’s episode (in which Betty reenacted Ariel Winter’s Instagram story) but I would love to see the writers at The CW at least try. So do we think we’ll really find out who the Black Hood is? Do I actually care? Only time will tell.

Lol, I love guys. Jughead is just like, “So Archie, how are you and Veronica?” And Archie replies with a “we’ve been better.” Um, YOU’RE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE. Were you not listening to the same breakup speech I was? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

Cut to the girls who are literally like, “yeah, we’re broken up with our boyfriends now.” This is the problem with male/female relationships right here. We say, “no;” they hear, “yes.” Too soon?

This Secret Santa looks like my version of hell. I guess, unlike my grandmother, no one ever told the gingers in this town they shouldn’t wear red? Also, everyone looks festive AF except for Jughead and Veronica who are wearing all black. I approve.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 9

Meanwhile, Betty and Archie are eye-fucking each other over the shittiest looking children’s book I’ve ever seen. If this is some sort of weird foreplay before a Barchie hookup, then I am not here for it.

And really, Archie, you gave Betty something YOU FOUND IN YOUR GARAGE? Like we get it, you’re poor. But spring for a $5 giftcard to Starbucks or something for fuck’s sake. Just because Betty sometimes takes her clothes off at Open Mic night, that doesn’t make her cheap!

Mr. Svenson, the janitor, is missing because Archie outed him to The Black Hood. He’s like, “I think we messed up. I think we got him killed!” And it’s like, yeah, no fucking shit you did. I don’t know why I expect so much from them. It’s like, sometimes I forget that they aren’t members of an elite squad known as the special victims unit and are actually just high school sophomores.

RIVERDALE : *tries to normalize teenagers solving murder cases*


Law & Order SVU

Okay, why are all these no matches girls still giving Christmas presents to their exes? I mean, this is either the most desperate or conniving thing I’ve seen in a long while.

Also, what does it say about their relationships that both Betty and Jughead got gifts for each other, but Archie got Veronica nothing but attitude and angst? You’re better than this, V!

Cheryl being bitter over her mother not getting her any Christmas gifts is the reason why I love her. Like, half your family is dead, but god forbid your mother skimp out on the gifts this year. That’s the real tragedy!

MRS. BLOSSOM: We’re poor. How do you expect me to pay for everything?

CHERYL: You could get a job. You know, other than the one where you’re a terrible mother.

Somehow, when I would bitch to my mother about how she confused “Burberry trench coat” with “Hot Topic sales rack” the conversation never went this way?

Betty gets a Secret Santa gift from the Black Hood, and it’s an actual human finger. Aggressive. I’m not sure the Black Hood understands how Secret Santa works? Perhaps next year they should try a white elephant.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 9

Also, does Betty go to the police with the finger? Or show her mother? Does she even go to the local urgent care center to get a tetanus shot? No. She does none of those things. Instead, the person she trusts with this v important information is fucking Archie. Does no one on this show learn lessons??

Veronica discovers that her family bought Pop’s Diner, and I’m not sure why she’s so surprised. Her dad went to jail for stealing peoples’ money and generally ruining lives, while her mother seduced people for his business deals on the outside. That is, legit, the definition of shady.

Elsewhere, Jughead acts like he’s never seen a Christmas gift in his whole damn life.

JUGHEAD: What are those?

FP: Gifts!

JUGHEAD: …Filled with drugs?

Oh honey, baby, sweetie. How do I explain this? Sometimes the people you love will try to shower you with love and affection. Just embrace it.

Elsewhere, Veronica uses her mother’s black card to pay off Archie’s dad’s hospital bills. Let’s let that sink in for a moment, shall we? She’s 16 and has casual access to 86 grand. Meanwhile, my net worth is $200 and a half used Urban Outfitters gift card, but okay.

Wow, Jughead is still super salty over this whole Penny Peabody thing. I get that she’s blackmailing you, Jughead, but also she makes her living by practicing law out of the back room in a bar. I think she needs this win more than you do.

Wait, so Jughead’s big plan of attack is to kill Penny Peabody? That’s his go-to solution for this mess? And everyone is just going to go along with this one? Really??

SWEET P: How should we handle this?



Jughead cuts the Serpent tattoo off of Penny Peabody’s arm, and the whole scene is so extra. Does he really think that’s going to solve all his problems? Unless she gets a face transplant, I’m pretty sure The Serpents are still going to think she’s in the gang. Idiots.

Betty goes over to the Blossoms to interrogate the grandmother. And it’s like, Betty, it’s Christmas, have you no shame?! They find out that the Blossoms/Coopers were the ones to bury the sinner-who-wasn’t-really-a-sinner, and they did it to him while HE WAS STILL ALIVE. Somehow I’m not surprised at all. This is the same lineage that murdered their only son and burned their family home to the ground, so…

GRANDMA BLOSSOM: You should have drowned them at birth like a basket of kittens.



Betty starts freaking out in the car about her connection to the Black Hood and how her grandfather buried an innocent man alive. And because nothing puts this girl more in the mood than talking about murder, she kisses Archie. *slips into rage induced blackout*

Veronica finally learns about all the conniving shit her parents have been up to, and she handles the information with a bottle of scotch and a lot of thinly veiled threats. So basically how I handle any minor disruption to my life. If this is the start of a dark Veronica phase, then 2018 is about to be a good fucking year.


Meanwhile, Betty and Archie go looking for the spot where Betty’s family killed a man. She’s like, “Well, there was that picture where my grandfather was planting trees with some friends?” I love how in Riverdale 99.9 percent of the time the childhood stories their parents told them growing up are actually coverups for illegal activities.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 9

^^Definitely thought “planting trees” was only a euphemism for weed but I guess murder too

They find the spot and uncover an empty coffin, which, of course, is a set-up. The Black Hood wants Betty to bury Archie alive, and honestly, I’m not mad about it.

In a shocking twist of fate, Betty somehow manages to overpower the Black Hood, and Sheriff Keller shoots him down at the last second. And the identity of the Black Hood is….. Mr. Stenson, the janitor. THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR FOR NINE FUCKING EPISODES? I’ve not been this disappointed in a season finale since Pretty Little Liars decided to fill plot holes with long-lost twins.

I’m not gonna lie, watching these broken up couples open thoughtful gifts from their exes on Christmas morning is the gift that keeps on giving. Thanks, CW!

Veronica realizes Archie did get her something for Christmas and is immediately not dead inside anymore.

ARCHIE: *buys her something mildly expensive*

VERONICA: I’m ready to say it: I love you too!

Honestly, they deserve each other.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 9

The episode ends with Betty burning her Black Hood box. This whole scene is eerily similar to how I handle burning my ex’s shit after a break-up my problems—will reflect on this later.

She ends up keeping that creepy AF ski mask the Black Hood gave her, which is a clear sign that they got the wrong guy. AGAIN. Ugh. Just when I thought I’d accomplished something this year, The CW has to take it away from me. Whatever. Can’t wait for 2018! I’m sure we’ll continue to be dicked around by the writers of Riverdale. Can’t wait!

‘Riverdale’ Recap: Betty Gives Ariel Winter A Run For Her Money

Well fam, we’re here. We made it to Wednesday and, consequently, to another episode of Riverdale. Last week was a fucking snoozefest, and I, for one, am ready to see Cheryl burn some shit to the ground again. Like, enough with The Black Hood bullshit; let’s get back to the storylines that are actually interesting, like ordering hits on would-be date rapists and outing mothers for their slutty high school years as Serpent gang members. Is that too much to ask for, CW? IS IT??

The episode opens with Jughead acting petty AF in a Southside bar. Instead of embracing the fact that he’s underage in a bar that clearly doesn’t give a shit about fake I.D.s or personal hygiene, he’s talking shit about Archie in his diary. See, this right here is what’s wrong with hipster kids these days.

I do love when they start episodes by throwing shade at Archie, though.

JUGHEAD: With the grim reaper looming over our heads, Archie and Veronica coped by banging all over town with carnal defiance.

Oh, so that’s what we’re calling it these days?

We then get to see a montage of these two fucking all over Riverdale, including on the bearskin rug of Veronica’s living room. When I was in high school, the classiest place I could find some alone time with my boyfriend was his backseat in the parking lot of a Sonic, but okay.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 8

^^I’m sorry, is this rehearsal for their sex tape or just how they say, “Good morning,” before first period? Honestly, it’s v hard to tell the difference.

Archie throws out an “I love you” to Veronica after sex, and he’s not even drunk. How embarrassing for him.

Elsewhere, Jughead and Betty are also exercising their… carnal defiance detective skills. *sighs* Just once I’d like to see these two actually work out their sexual tension instead of emotionally masturbating to gruesome crime photos. JUST ONCE. 

Jughead’s dad is getting released from prison, and I am thrilled by this development. I would shout-write, “Daddy is home,” but I’m pretty sure I’ve done that the last three recaps, and by now, everyone knows where I stand on FP’s DILF status. But also, like, DADDY IS HOMEEEE.

I’m not even going to spend time talking about this whole Cheryl/Josie lesbian locker room scene except to say that the best line of this whole damn episode came out of it.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: “Take your male gaze and your male privilege and get out of the women’s locker room.”

Cheryl Blossom, we don’t deserve you. 

Okay, Veronica is freaking the fuck out over this whole “I love you” thing, which seems weird to me because I always pegged her as the type of girl who blackmails her boyfriends into saying the L word first. Weird.

ARCHIE: I love you, V.

VERONICA: I love… your body?

At least she’s honest.

Jughead, Betty, and Alice Cooper go to pick up FP from prison, and is it just me or is there way too much sexual chemistry happening between their parents rn? Alice keeps asking FP if his muffin is buttered and would he like her to assign someone to butter his muffin?

Meanwhile, their kids—who are dating each other—are just like, “Parents, what can you do with them??” *throws up hands emoji* Well, you can certainly ask them to stop eye-banging each other in front of the county jail. Just for starters.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 8

Veronica and Archie start interrogating Sheriff Keller about his cold case files. Veronica is just like, “I noticed there were some missing files,” but, like, who told you this?? Who keeps giving classified police files to someone who just graduated from a learner’s permit to a full-on license?

The look on Sheriff Keller’s face rn is saying he would personally hand all of these kids over to The Black Hood if they would just gtfo of his personal business. Amen, pal. Amen.

FP says he’s quitting the Serpents, and he wants Jughead to do the same. Jughead admits that he actually likes being in the Plastics gang, and their new member T-shirts and leather jackets aren’t half bad either. It’s true; they’re v Instagrammable, so I don’t blame him.

FP keeps talking about how he wanted college for Jughead, not the thug life.

FP: Well, at least keep writing then. It’s not like you need an actual degree for that.

ME: *takes introspective look at self and resume*



Betty keeps talking about wanting to be “Serpent adjacent” and how she wants to fit in with Jughead’s world. Apparently, “fitting in” involves some sort of sexist pole dance. These club members sound like real gems, ladies!

Elsewhere, Penny Peabody threatens Jughead with Betty. Jughead seems v surprised that a woman people refer to as “the snake charmer” might actually be deceitful. Clearly he’s been hanging out with Archie for too long.

Since Betty is busy trying to trap a man, she asks Varchie to go back to that godforsaken house The Hood sent her to. Officially, they’re there to “look for clues,” but I wouldn’t be surprised if the two of them started banging on the floor of an old crime scene just to avoid talking about the whole “I love you” thing. Or really, to avoid talking in general. I get the sense that that’s not their strong suit.

They find a box of important files with case-cracking information in it. It was just lying in the middle of the floor, because if I were a murderer, I’d leave incriminating files in plain sight too. Fucking amateurs. 

Okay, FP and Alice Cooper 100 percent banged back in the day. FP is all, “Come to my retirement party, Alice,” and, “Ditch your husband, it’ll be our little secret, Alice.” I’m picking up what you’re putting down, FP.

Also, calling it now, there’s def an illegitimate kid those two share. That prom baby Alice had? 100000 percent FP’s. CALLING IT NOW.

So is, like, every teacher in the Riverdale school district hiding shit? First Mrs. Grundy, then The Sugarman/English teacher, and now this creepy AF janitor? Like, who is the school superintendent here? Roy Moore?

Also, I love that these high school kids can just interrogate grown-ass people, and these adults just let them! Like, sir, you survived a horrible childhood trauma. Don’t let this ginger whose signature look involves crazy eyebrows and a cardigan intimidate you. You’re better than this.

As it turns out, the janitor is not actually The Black Hood, and he thinks The Reaper was killed by a bunch of vigilantes back in the day. Color me shocked that Troy Bolton and his flavor of the month didn’t get all their facts straight first.

Bet On It HSM2

Why does the Whyte Wyrm look like a dive bar in Bushwick, but with a stripper pole? And why is Toni Topaz, a high school sophomore, manning the bar? Why are there no rules in this town?

Okay, Alice Cooper showing up dressed like its her sorority’s biker bash themed mixer is everything.

YO. The shade Archie is throwing Veronica rn for not being able to say, “I love you,” back to him is next level. Honestly, so inspiring.

ARCHIE: I picked out a duet for us to sing together. It’s that song you love. Or at least strongly like, since apparently you can’t say, “I love you.”

*slow claps*

Wowwww. Every second of that scene was petty AF. I’ve never been more proud of you, Archie Andrews.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 8

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Did Betty just start stripping while singing karaoke?? At a party her mother is chaperoning?? WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

Oh my fucking god, she’s dancing on the pole now. DANCING. ON. THE. POLE. It’s like watching a train wreck Ariel Winter’s Instagram stories. I can’t look away.

Everyone is looking at Betty like she didn’t just spend the last few days choreographing this dance with Toni off-screen.

EVERYONE: *amazed, awed, truly inspired*


Bring It On

FP is acting like it’s v casual to find a 15-year-old gyrating on a pole in his fave bar. Dude, if this is your normal, then I’m calling the police.

So is Betty just going to walk around the rest of the night in just that lingerie and a leather jacket? Bitch, it’s not even Halloween. PUT SOME DAMN CLOTHES ON.

FP can’t quit the Serpents because he’s taking over Jughead’s debt to Penny Peabody, and he is PISSED. He’s looking at Jughead like he wants to call him a dipshit in front of the entire bar, and I’ve never been more turned on in my life.

And just like that, The CW takes away my will to live breaks up every fucking couple on this show. Great, so now that I’m feeling emotionally devastated, should I drunk dial my ex and really make this night special?

Okay, no, no, NO. This is not happening right now. Why is Archie looking at Betty like he wants to send her an unwanted dick pic he’s into her? You just told Veronica you loved her, like, three seconds ago!

JUGHEAD: *narrates* And he looked at the girl next door like it was the very first time he was seeing her.

Yeah, or like, he just saw her work through her daddy issues do a strip tease in front of an entire bar. Either/or. 

Whatever. If you need me, I’ll just be screaming into the void aggressively tweeting at the writers of Riverdale. Byeeeee.

‘Riverdale’ Recap: I’m An Unwed Mother Carrying My Cousin’s Babies

Well, fam, as I write this it is Wednesday, which means I’ve spent the last 7 days trying to google wtf Jingle Jangle is and if Bella Thorne has been taking it all this time. Between her slutty Santa phase and the pounds of body glitter she slathers on her body on a daily basis, the evidence is pretty damning. So, yeah, I’ve been v busy this week. I’ve also been trying to wrap my head around the fact that we’ve seen Archie and Veronica dry hump each other every time a loved one is dying (so pretty much every episode) and we have yet to see Cole Sprouse take his shirt off connect with Betty. So yeah, I’ve got high expectations for this episode, though I’m sure The CW will find a way to dick me around for one more week. Can’t wait to be disappointed. Shall we get started?

Why is Kevin running around the woods looking sketchy AF? Can at least one of these high school kids not act so fucking reckless? Wait. Is he looking to get laid? In the woods? Seriously, do these kids not have cars to make out in? Like, their parents can afford to buy them all singing careers but not a used car? Please.

Kev discovers Moose and Girl Who Looks Like Kevin in the aftermath of the shooting. (Side note: I’m sure she has a real name but I don’t remember it and it’s either I call her Girl Who Looks Like Kevin or Girl With Unfortunate Haircut so that’s where we’re at rn). No one is actually hurt, even though they were both shot point blank, because this is Riverdale and the laws of physics cease to exist here. Fine. Whatever. Though Moose is apparently injured enough to go to the hospital, so that’s something at least.

Football practice is cancelled by Reggie, who is not the team captain, nor is he the coach. It’s unclear how he has any authority over this crowd. Reggie is just like, “Moose got shot, isn’t that insane??” And, no, not really. He was hopped up on Jingle Jangle in a deserted locale in the middle of the night. Sounds about how I imagined his night would go.

Meanwhile, Archie is making this all about him freaking the fuck out. He’s like, this close to buying red string and creating a murder wall in his fucking bedroom.

Pepe Silvia

ARCHIE: Everyone is dying around us!

VERONICA: Guys I think you’re missing the point here, The Bachelorette is back on so…

At least someone’s got their priorities straight.

Veronica invites them all to her house to meet her father, and nothing could go wrong with this plan. Nope.

Kevin finally admits that he was “cruising” the forest for guys at 2am because it seems “safer” than Grindr. I would argue his point, but I’ve been on Tinder and agree that it is safer to meet a stranger in the bushes than converse with the human trash bags who match with me online.

Elsewhere, Jughead is acclimating to South Side High, even though it’s unclear if he’s even been officially enrolled there yet. Like, he doesn’t even go here, does he? Also, is it just me or does his peer mentor look like a cross between Mona from PLL and an extra from Step Up 2: The Streets?

Toni Topaz

Tell me you haven’t seen this girl front in center in the crowd during the dance-off sequence?? Honestly, the resemblance is uncanny.

Toni Topez aka Mona aka the extra from Step Up 2 casually points out the illicit drug use happening in the hallway, which seems extra even for the South Side. I mean, I get that this is supposed to be the “bad” part of town or whatever, but I do not buy for one fucking second that you’re allowed to just do drugs out in the open like that, three feet from the security guard who, seconds earlier, made Jughead go through the metal detector a second time because his beanie looked weird. Come on. 

Archie is fucking unraveling at Veronica’s dinner. Like, all the girl wanted to do was have a nice night shit talking and watching The Bachelorette and you have to bring up murder? Can she live? I will say Archie is making all sorts of great points about Riverdale PD, though.

ARCHIE: It’s like no one cares about this shooter, and we had to solve the last murder that happened in this town!

VERONICA: What did I just say about The Bachelorette?

Hiram Lodge is looking at Archie like he does not understand how Archie and his fitted cardigan won over his daughter, and I’m like, but have you seen his abs?


This gif will never get old for me, tbh.

Hiram invites Archie over for another dinner to discuss how Archie plans to “save Riverdale.” Archie practically jizzes his pants at the mere thought of someone being interested in his wild conspiracy theories, and Hiram really shouldn’t humor him like this. Can’t he tell the boy is unhinged?

Lol, did Veronica’s mother just tell her to stop being so thirsty? God, I love this town.

Jesus Christ. Is Archie’s plan to protect Riverdale really to just gather all the people in town with the biggest steroid abuse problems and rile them up? Because that seems foolproof. Archie goes on and on about how they need to watch over Riverdale and watch out for their friends and just generally be Riverdale’s watch dogs.

REGGIE: So we’ll be called The Watch Dogs, then?

ARCHIE: *disgusted* No, Reggie, have you even been listening?! We’ll be called the Red Circle.


Wizard of Oz

I mean, who does Archie think he is, Harry Potter? This isn’t Dumbledore’s army! Can you please just fucking go to class and stop with the wannabe detective work? I beg of you.

Betty confronts Kevin about what he was doing in the woods and is low-key slut shaming him before history class. She’s like that annoying friend who refuses to let me her drunk friend make out with a guy at the bar wearing a Vineyard Vines vest and a shirt with a frocket. Fucking rude.

Mrs. Cooper receives a letter from The Black Hood (lol) detailing how he killed everyone. Along with the note she finds Fred Andrews’ wallet and Ms. Grundy’s pedo glasses, so I guess it’s legit. Tbh, this is less alarming to me than Mrs. Cooper’s reaction to having a SERIAL KILLER send her his personal effects to her home address. She’s giddy at the prospect of being pen pals with a mass murderer, and I’m just like, but he knows where you live though?

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 3

Meanwhile, back on the South Side, Jughead has a run in with the The Serpents gang leader, the teen edition, and his name is Sweet Pea and he wears a cutoff jean jacket. Let’s just let that sink for a minute, k?

SWEET PEA: You’re going to want my protection.

JUGHEAD: *takes in jean-on-jean ensemble* Hard pass, bro.

Okay, since when is Polly back? Has she been banished to the attic this entire time? The killer mentioned that he’s only going after sinners, and Polly is just like, “Yeah, I need to get the fuck out of town then.”

MRS. COOPER: Why do you think you’re a sinner though?

POLLY: Let me just count the ways.

Honestly, she’s not wrong here. She is, in fact, an unwed mother, pregnant by her cousin. She’s 100 percent on that list. It’s really amazing he hasn’t paid her a visit sooner.


Well that, and more purely incest.

Kevin pays a visit to Moose at the hospital, which would be cute if he wasn’t, like, interrogating him about about Moose’s new side piece, while he casually recovers from a bullet wound. It’s nice to know that there are others like me out there. Sighs.

KEVIN: But what do you see in Midge?

MOOSE: Well…

Riverdale Comparison

Ah, yes. It’s all becoming v v clear now.

The way Veronica can threaten her mother while casually polishing the family silver is v inspiring. Somehow, challenging your mother to admit she’s wrong in her own damn home never actually worked for me in high school? Will take notes for the future.

Betty goes to drop off some coffee to Jughead, because he’s working late at the Red & Black, which I hope is Betty’s weird way of instigating a booty call. I better see these two get to second base this episode, or so help me I’ll have to take drastic measures continue to watch new episodes every week. It’s the literal least The CW could do for me, considering that they continue to fuck me and my nonexistent cable subscription over every single week, when I try and stream this shit live.

Toni Topaz walks in on the makeout sesh, and I could cut her. CAN’T YOU SEE THEY’RE BUSY? GOD. This is clearly The CW’s attempt to drive a wedge between Jughead and Betty, and it won’t fucking work. Toni, you need to take your Dollar General coffee pot and your Ariana Grande hair back to the Serpents and GTFO.

Lol, Cheryl judging Kevin for trying to find some dick in the woods is me every time I go out with my friends. I knew I liked that girl.

Meanwhile, Ethel is walking along the side of the road in the dark, as one does. Seriously, did the parents in this community not warn them of the dangers of walking alone at night? Do they not have access to Lifetime movies in this fucking town? And of course the creepiest van known to man starts following her.

Run Bitch

Oh, but don’t worry, y’all, she called Archie for help! This should be good. Archie rushes over just in time, because thankfully, The Black Hood (again, lol) spares her, unlike the demagorgon, so I guess we finally have #JusticeForBarb.

Watching Jughead navigate through South Side High at night is like watching an episode of Prison Break. Like, we get it, Riverdale writers, the South Side is dangerous. You’ve really driven that point home. Thx.

OH SHIT. Did Jughead just get jumped in the hallway? This really is like an episode of Prison Break except with way more denim.

Meanwhile, everyone keeps warning Archie about Hiram and Archie is just like, “But he said he likes my conspiracy theories, so?”

This dinner is so fucking awkward. Archie cannot stop talking about his little red circle fake police force, and Hiram is just like, “I have a rum collection and I’m about to use it.”


^^Actual footage of Hiram Lodge at this dinner.

Drunk Hermione is my favorite. She legit can’t stop rolling her eyes at her husband and chugging wine every time he opens his mouth to speak words. Her shade throwing is a work of art.

Okay, HOW many rooms does this apartment have? Aren’t the Lodge’s supposed to be destitute? They have a fucking sitting room, and meanwhile I feel blessed that my NYC apartment has a microwave. It’s similar but different.

Hiram keeps talking about how Archie needs to go on the offensive and use fear and terror as his weapons, but does he realize that he’s talking to Archie Andrews here? He’s beautiful but has the common sense of a goldfish.

Riverdale Season 2 Episode 3

Anddd we’re back to Kevin in the woods. I understand that this is what he feels like he has to do to get laid, but also how many times a day does he feel the need to “go for a run”? And how well known is it that gay guys go “running” in the woods for hookups? This isn’t the 1970s, Kevin! You don’t even need Grindr. You can just slide into someone’s DMs on Instagram like everyone else does!

Does anyone else feel like Kevin approaching this man in the car feels very much like prostitution and not at all like a fun hookup? Nervous for him. And apparently I have a right to be, because this dude is fucking terrifying with those threats. Well, that was certainly a close call for Kev.

So now Veronica is going to be involved in Hiram’s business dealings and no one seems concerned that she’s only a sophomore. Doesn’t have a license, but is running company board meetings. Seems accurate.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Wtf am I watching rn with this Red Circle fear campaign video? Why is everyone shirtless? And why does this look more like the start of an amateur porno than a threatening message? As if the carefully sculpted abs you got from your high school gym are going to scare off a cold-blooded murderer unafraid of using a cello bow as a weapon. AS IF. 

Red Circle Riverdale

Jesus. Ohhhh I can’t wait for next week’s episode. Should be lit. 

Archie From ‘Riverdale’, KJ Apa, Was Involved In Late-Night Car Crash

It’s been a rough fucking couple of days for me personally Riverdale fans, because it’s just been reported that Riverdale star KJ Apa was in a late-night car crash last week. KJ plays Archie Andrews, aka the only ginger you’d gladly be a side piece for. The Hollywood Reporter broke the story that KJ was driving himself home—a 45 minute commute—after a 16+ hour work day when he fell asleep at the wheel. Typical fucking Archie.

Here’s what we know: Initial reports claimed the crash happened sometime after midnight and KJ was taken to a local hospital for observation before being discharged without any serious injuries. And like, THANK GOD for that. Can you imagine if his face had been damaged? Or those abs?? I’m not saying this kid doesn’t have talent, because he absolutely does, but let’s just say acting and singing ain’t one of them.

Though Archie KJ came out of the accident unscathed, his car is apparently all sorts of fucked up. The passenger side was completely destroyed after hitting a light pole. What’s more is that supposedly KJ’s BFF and costar Cole Sprouse (Jughead Jones) had “planned to be in the car as well that night but changed plans at the last minute.”


Office No

This shit just got way too real for me. I may need a moment to collect myself, my thoughts, and try to come to terms with a world that might have been robbed of this perfect face:

Cole Sprouse

K, moment’s over. The accident has caused literal rioting on the set of Riverdale, because they, like me, realize that is was only Archie’s car that got hurt this time. But what if next time it was Cheryl? Or Veronica? OR JUGHEAD? Nah, they can’t take that chance, they’ve got to start standing up for their rights and shit. Respect.

Apparently, the show routinely runs shoots that last until the early morning hours, and the cast and crew are not provided transportation to and from the set, which, like, wtf? What kind of shoddy establishment is The CW running over in Canada, that they can’t even get the stars of their own damn show an Uber? You have enough production value to pull off turning an entire cast into redheads but you can’t get your actors a safe ride home?

After the story broke yesterday The CW released this statement last night regarding the accident, and it is FULL of shade:

“The safety of the cast and crew on all of our productions is of paramount importance to the Studio. Productions adhere to the Screen Actors Guild–mandated turnaround time of 12 hours from wrap time to next day call time for cast members. In accordance with industry standard policy, if any cast or crew member feels tired or unsafe at any time after working, the Studio will provide a taxi, a driver or a hotel room upon request. This is communicated to all cast and crew, both in writing and verbally, at the beginning of production and is reiterated continuously throughout the duration of production.”

Wooowww. I have not seen that much passive-aggression since this morning, when my boss emailed me to “remind me” about our department meeting. But there’s more! The CW released a second statement, which is somehow even pettier:

“First and foremost, we are extremely grateful that KJ Apa was uninjured during his recent accident.”

Lol you know when a formal statement basically begins with “first of all, bitch…”, this shit is about to get juicy AF.


“Secondarily, we want to specifically address the characterization that conditions on the set of Riverdale are of concern. We have a large cast of series regulars, and our actors do not work every day. On the day of the accident, KJ worked 14.2 hours. The previous day he worked 2.5 hours, and the day before that he worked 7.7 hours. KJ has repeatedly been informed about making production aware if he is tired or feels unsafe, and if so, either a ride or hotel room will be provided for him. The accident occurred last Thursday. Additionally, it is untrue that KJ was taken to the hospital. He was treated by first responders on the scene and released by them. We also sent a doctor to his home later that same day for a follow-up to confirm his well-being.”

Damn, they just dragged the shit out of KJ Apa. Like, way to kick someone when they’re down the star of a highly publicized television show.

Honestly though, CW, you need to get your shit together and take care of those 20 year olds who are living better lives than me your actors, otherwise:


…and it will be in the form of a very nasty tweet from me. My wrath knows no bounds.

All I can say is, I’m v glad my favorite hot ginger is okay. Also, I think I can speak for all of us when I say, thank god it was only Archie in the car. I legit cannot even consider the prospect of one hair on Cole Sprouse’s perfect head being injured. Feel better, KJ!