On Monday, Riverdale co-stars Cole Sprouse and Lili Reinhart were caught kissing—KISSING!—on the streets of Paris, the city of lights/love/whatever random monikers they come up with next. In case you haven’t been reading my weekly Riverdale recaps (for shame), I’ve been speculating about Lili and Cole dating for literal years. Like, ever since The CW took on the incredible challenge of turning the twin who dressed up in drag on The Suite Life into a certifiable snack and the reason I want to start* dating guys with trust issues.
*I always date guys with trust issues.
Lili and Cole were rumored to be dating after their characters, Jughead, the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks (lol) whose defining characteristics on the show include trying to capitalize off his classmate’s murder for his novel and wearing a weird hat, and Betty, the virgin who can’t drive, started over-the-clothes groping in the first season. I hope that’s the story they tell their grandkids one day. Despite the fact that I and the Instagram fan accounts that I troll have been watching their every waking move for two fucking seasons, Lili and Cole have kept things quiet about their real-life relationship and have neither confirmed nor denied the dating rumors. Which is fucking rude, because I thought that we were closer than that. Whatever, I’m over it. And while they can pretend denial is just a river in Egypt all they want, the paparazzi in Paris confirmed what we all already fucking knew by capturing a photo of the two of them making out on the streets like it’s last call at happy hour.
To those of you who tried to tell me that Bughead wasn’t real and that I that all the fake relationship fan accounts I follow are “creepy” and a “violation of privacy,” all I have to say is: I fucking told you so.
Tbh I haven’t felt this smug and self-righteous about something since jean skirts came back into style. And while normally I’d be basking in my own ego for the next 3-5 business days for being right about something, there’s like, a lot to unpack in this photo. Like, why Cole Sprouse’s outfit is saying “I only drink expensive red wine and I consider other people’s garbage the perfect addition to my found art project”? So let’s give these damning photos a second look, shall we? Take a look at the third photo in the carousel above. Stare at it for at least 10 seconds so it’s burned into your memory. Ok, ready? Let’s discuss.
Jesus. That doesn’t get any easier to look at, does it? Let’s talk about the body language for a second. On the one hand we have Lili, who is looking at Cole like
she has Stockholm syndrome Dark Betty looks at her own reflection before she turns on her webcam.
Then we have Cole: His body is turned away from Lili and his eyes are saying he regrets not adding his favorite line of poetry to his Instagram bio. Sad! Perhaps the most concerning part about this entire photo is that it looks like Lili hasn’t brushed her hair since the damn plane landed and she’s wearing the ugliest effing jacket I’ve ever seen, an obvious sign that she trusts Cole enough to love her at her worst. So sweet. Meanwhile, Cole is sporting the beginning wisps of a mustache the likes of which only To Catch A Predator has ever seen, which means she definitely shouldn’t trust him, especially around any woman who asks him to explain his “craft” to her.
Tbh I could be all wrong here. He could only be leaning away from her because she decided to practice an upcoming Dark Betty scene with him in the bedroom and shit got a little too weird. The look in his eyes could be less about a missed poetry opportunity and more of a desperate cry for help, which I’m ignoring for the sake of this article. I mean, who am to judge? Jk. I tune into this bullshit every week and follow all of these kids on Insta. I’m absolutely qualified to judge.
Anyway, here’s hoping their off-screen sex translates to some more on-screen chemistry, forcing the Riverdale writers to write more scenes about that and less about Hiram Lodge’s business dealings. I’m not watching this show for tips on local city planning schemes, okay?
Images: Giphy (2); @justjared /Instagram (2)
If you’re anything like me, you can barely tolerate like, 96% of the human population unless they genuinely have something to offer you. Like a free meal, for instance. Honestly, I’m not even asking for that much, especially since I’ve had to put up with a lot of bullshit in this excuse of a dating scene over the years, so really, it’s the least a guy could do.
We’ve worked our entire pretend adult lives on how to round the bases by the end of a dreaded first date—or even how to receive a simple text back, because apparently that concept is now as laborious as a goddamn calculus equation. But sometimes life backfires, and we end up regretting all of our questionable decisions, including the one that’s sitting right in front of us, incessantly chomping his romaine lettuce. In any similar case, aborting the mission is a must, especially if he’s about to attempt some suave move by the time the “well this was great” fib rolls around. So basically what I’m about to tell you to do is everything you’ve been taught not to do on a first date, but I can’t just stop here because I’m getting paid hourly, and bitches gotta eat. In order to spare yourself the fucking agonizing cheek turn at the end of the longest two hours of your life, I’ve come up with all the things I’ve unknowingly done before that will ensure no physical contact will follow, without leaving you feeling like a complete c-word. You’ll be so thankful you read this as you’re politely
ghosting rejecting him via text later on.
**This is to say you didn’t already go to the bathroom to “freshen up” and GTFO by way of back window.
1. Don’t Ask Him About Himself
If there’s one thing I truly pride myself on, besides disguising a brunch blackout every Sunday, it’s the ability to talk about myself for hours on end. This will especially come in handy when he runs through a list of job interview questions as if he didn’t already stalk you on social media beforehand. Give short Cliffnote answers, and when you wrap up a question, don’t follow up with the same question. In fact, don’t follow up with any question. The awkward silence in between inhaling your vodka soda(s) will drive him to plow through his entrée and skip dessert in no time.
2. Use Body Language Cues
I once dated a guy who rambled on about his Costco steamer for like, 45 minutes straight. HIS FUCKING STEAMER. I don’t know for sure, but there was prob a string of drool hanging from my mouth from dozing off, and I wish I was making this shit up. But this is the part of the date where your chronic resting bitch face comes in good use. If you have to, act like he’s talking about the steamer. Maybe prop your chin up on your hand, whip out that ugly double-chin yawn, IDK, check on your ratio of Instagram likes to minutes for all I care. Point soon-to-be taken.
3. Insist On Splitting The Bill
Nothing says “friend zoned, motherfucker” like insisting on going halfsies. Like, yeah, sitting through a monstrosity of a date without taking a butter knife to your eyeball should earn you a free meal at the very least, but he’ll get the message loud and clear if you just put forth some cash. Oh, and this can also be used as a test to see if he actually lets you pay—god, I’m the worst.
4. Give Him A False Time Constraint
Here’s the thing: I chose writing as a career because it’s cheaper than therapy and my friends are sick of my incessant bitching. I may live on a strict diet of whatever I can fit into my purse from the office cafeteria, but I use my profession to its full advantage (besides times like now when I generously impart my extensive wisdom upon you for a nominal fee), and will always blame cutting a bad date short on my “deadlines” when the situation is 9-1-1. Nine times out of 10, you’ll know within the first five minutes of a date if you can barely tolerate some narc who showed up in pink Chubbies to talk about his new personal training business before the bread even comes. I promise, a time constraint is a 100% proven quick dip-out when you’re being suffocated by a guy who shit on the service all night and gave an 8% tip.
5. Play The “Sick” Card
Has anyone in the history of anyone ever fucked with someone who says they have diarrhea? No. Case closed.
6. Be A Hot Mess
Now is the time to skip to like, year two of a relationship timeline and be yourself aka who you really are when your roommate is out of town for a week. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Yeah fucking right. Give your lady bits a little scratch, pick the black mascara goop our of your eye crevice and wipe it on your pants, I don’t fucking care. Just channel your true authentic self aka Marlon Wayans in White Chicks. Or just do as I would do and get obliterated on his dime.
7. Be An Ugly Mess
Remember that one time you found out about your ex’s blonde side chick and you were so mad, you catapulted a rock through his car window? You know, the kind of shit you take to the grave? So tell him. In full detail. Maybe throw in your political views out there while you’re at it. Oh, and while you’re ahead, let him know that your parents’ divorce was the root of all your trust issues and your utter disgust of the male species as a whole. Nothing is a bigger boner killer than spewing your baggage out onto the table before he even knows what you do for a living. This guy will be Forrest Gump-ing his ass out the door before you even have a chance to say, “drive safe!”
8. Start Talking Futuristic & Become Clingy
If you really want to nix this guy, you’re gonna have to do some damage control. Long ago, a wise woman once gifted a man she barely knew with a love fern and an entire Photoshopped family album only to fall in love in the process of pushing him away, because it’s a RomCom so JK on that. I’m not saying you have to go FULL Kate Hudson on his ass, but mentioning baby fever on the first date will definitely help get you one step closer. He’ll also probably shit himself once you discuss any sort of future commitment that involves him and/or bringing him to your best friend’s wedding in April. You get what I’m putting down, but on the flip side, if he actually agrees to spend a weekend with your closest friends celebrating their love after a first date, then we’ve got bigger problems, and I don’t get paid enough to help you with that.
This week the Betches discuss the Fyre Festival disaster and The Handmaid’s Tale. They answer questions from a listener who has never been kissed and another one who’s worried her boyfriend is too serious for her. They debut their new game “What Are Your Thoughts On”, and play Would You Rather and Shoot F*ck Marry.
Today’s episode is sponsored by Framebridge (Framebridge.com CODE: BETCHES)
Send your questions for ‘Dear Betch’ to [email protected]
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