In these times of trouble, it is important for us to look to our role models for guidance as we figure out how to live under the new normal. And who better to look to than our OG role models: American Girl Dolls. Sure, the pandemic is bad, but Molly lived through World War f*cking II! Addy escaped slavery! Samantha…well…Samantha’s life seems pretty sweet, actually.
Here’s what all of the original American Girl dolls would be doing if they were quarantining with us today.
Samantha Parkington, Victorian Era Girl
Rich b*tch Samantha mostly ignored COVID-19 warnings until about a week ago when she read one news article and then immediately booked a Blade helicopter to take her and her boyfriend of three weeks to her grandmary’s empty beach house in the Hamptons. Now she posts nightly Insta stories of herself walking on the beach with the caption “sooooo empty” and takes approximately five bubble baths per day. Her job was not affected by the crisis because she doesn’t have one. When all of this is over she’ll return to Upper East Side apartment with a tan and a cocaine problem.
Kirsten Larson, Pioneer Girl
Kirsten has put her pioneer skills to use in this crisis and become a certified doomsday prepper. Her apartment is now a fully stocked COVID bunker. She bought up every last square of toilet paper in her town and has learned to make her own hand sanitizer, which she will not share. Every night on Instagram she cooks a different amazing meal from her provisions and every day she posts about how the pandemic has given her the ability to “get into pickling” and still find the time to hand-embroider masks for shelter dogs. She was made for this life. You hate her.
Molly McIntire, WWII Girl
No stranger to global crises, Molly is that friend who has been in full panic mode since day one. She listens to radio broadcasts (aka podcasts) about coronavirus 24/7 and sends nightly letters (aka group texts) updating everyone on her status. Stuck in her Brooklyn railroad apartment with five roommates, she has begun forcing everyone in the house to do nightly coronavirus pandemic drills where they all practice proper hand washing technique. Molly spends all her free time updating her pandemic map and calling Governor Cuomo’s office just to cry. She flips out any time she hears a siren and is stress-eating her provisions as quickly as she buys them. It’s the most relatable she’s ever been in her life.
Felicity Merriman, American Revolution Girl
Felicity embraced the YOLO spirit of the American Revolution and is now on government mandated quarantine after refusing to cancel her bachelorette party and contracting coronavirus from an ice luge. She wasn’t going to let the GOVERNMENT come in and encroach on her FREEDOMS. F*ck no. Now her friends have disowned her after a video of her partying on the beach screaming “give me penis hats or give me death!” went viral and an image of her drunk face was memed on Betches.
Addy, Civil War Era Girl
Addy has seen worse. Way worse. This coronavirus is nothing compared to the underground f*cking railroad, and for that reason, Addy is at home, unbothered, abiding by social distancing rules and living her damn life. All the links she retweets are useful, and her Zoom book club is absolutely popping off. While all of her friends are losing their minds buying up everything in sight, she’s chilling with an appropriate amount of supplies. When she goes live on Instagram it is actually funny. By the end of this you will have muted literally everyone except for her.
Josefina Montoya, Mexican-American War Girl
Josefina has gone dark on social media in an attempt to hide the fact that she flew back to her parents’ ranch house out west well after the CDC’s guidelines for nonessential travel were in place. Two weeks from now she will post a sunset pic with no caption that your group chat will scrutinize and determine that, based off the lighting and surrounding vegetation, she is probably in New Mexico. She’ll spend all of quarantine drinking Topo chicos next to a cactus and then when all this is over try to show back up like it never happened like Serena in the Gossip Girl pilot.
Images: walter sedriks / Flickr.com; American Girl Doll (6)