kim Archives - Betches

UPDATED: Which Kardashian Had The Best Halloween Costume This Year?

There’s no better part of Halloween than getting the chance to judge everyone’s costume choices. Who’s going as a basic slutty cat and who will wildly offend everyone at the party? But of course, the most intriguing and expensive costumes come from celebs. So who better to judge than the Kardashians? Year after year, the Kardashians tend to go all out—especially Kim. At press time, Kim has not yet posted a picture of her Halloween costume, but we’re sure it’s going to be iconic. Some of her best past looks were Jasmine from Aladdin, a mermaid (but like, not in a basic way), and Poison Ivy, so we can’t wait to see what she’s going to do this year. But the other Kardashians posted their Halloween costumes, so we get to judge those. Who did it best? Here is our ranking of the Kardashian Halloween costumes.

1. Kylie And Stormi

Obviously, first place must go to the butterfly duo of Kylie and Stormi. If this isn’t mommy-daughter goals, IDK what is. Ky went full-out and DIYed had someone make her beautiful wings. Of course, her mini-me had to look just as ~fly~ with her own set of baby wings. In true Kylie fashion, the base of her outfit (a skin-tight bodysuit) is understated but still serving major MILF vibes. Points for attention to detail with Stormi’s hairclip, perfectly matching her attire and Kylie’s butterfly details on her shoes.

2. Khloé And True

A very close second place goes to the Mama Koko and True! These two went for the matching bodysuit tiger look. Initially, we were disappointed by Khloé’s lack of creativity (a unicorn is basic, sorry), but she really one-upped herself. Khloé’s makeup is also fantastic and really makes her look like a ~~YouTuber~~ sexy tiger. But can someone please tell her The Lion King is about lions, not tigers. So like the circle of life lift doesn’t totally apply…cute pic either way though.

3. Khloé And True

In third place, below themselves, are Khloé and True in their unicorn outfits. Just when you thought True couldn’t get more adorable, she literally became a stuffed animal. Her cheeks might be the most perfect things I have her seen. I just want to pinch them! Wait, who am I? Anywho… Mama Koko kept it cute with her matching onesie, but still managed to glam it up with some jewelry and a matching manicure. Also, a special shout-out to Chicago for making an appearance in her own unicorn headband.

4. Kylie

Back on the list in third place is Kylie for her solo Barbie look. Although the costume on its own wouldn’t be that impressive, Kylie went for it and added in the whole f*cking box. You also KNOW she didn’t wear that sh*t out, so that was totally for the Insta. That’s what Halloween looks like when you’ve got 900 million followers, I guess? Points also go to her for the slightly ironic caption, because truly, her life in plastic really is fantastic.

5. Saint

Not gonna lie, Saint’s costume was kind of lame, but he’s too cute to be in the last place. According to Kim’s caption, Saint is supposed to be a pumpkin, but like, maybe a Yeezy baby pumpkin? I’m all here for the minimalist Halloween looks, but I feel like Saint is for sure capable of producing a more extravagant look. Perhaps there’s more to come…we’ll be waiting!

6. Kendall

Our bottom of the list is, unfortunately, Kendall for her basic AF Austin Powers sex-doll costume. Usually, this would be fine and totes creative, but it looks like she bought it from Dolls Kill and put literally no money effort into her look at all. Listen Kenny, when your job is basically to post Instas, at least give us something with a little more wow. But I mean, if you want to dress up as Kendall as a fembot, you can go buy it on sale.

Images: kendalljenner, kimkardashian, kyliejenner (2), khloekardashian / Instagram

Why Kim And Kourtney Kardashian Are Feuding Right Now

For those of you who have been living under a rock, spent your Sunday hungover, or just came out of a coma, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian are in a huge fight. Kim and Kourtney’s fight is convoluted and figuring out WTF was going on honestly killed some of my brain cells. Luckily you have me to fill you in so you don’t have to do all the research yourself.

To recap, in last night’s season premiere of KUWTK, Kim and Kourtney had a major disagreement over the scheduling of their family’s Christmas Card photoshoot (this episode was shot in November, before you start @ing me in the comments). While Kim was putting a lot of effort to avoid conflicts with the whole family’s schedules, Kourtney didn’t seem to GAF. Kim then called Kourtney the “least exciting” to look at, which tbh is kinda true but super harsh and not really material to the scheduling issue at hand. Understandably Kourtney stormed out, and to make matters worse, it appears no one ran after her.

Khloé then called Kourtney on speaker to try and make peace, but Kim made like Trump on Twitter and basically blew up any chance for a productive resolution. Kourtney called Kim an “evil, distraught” human being and announced that she will “move to another state at some point, or another country.” She then later said that she “cannot wait for that day and hopefully just won’t have to have these fake relationships.” Wait, hold up, Kourtney said WHAAAT? These relationships are FAKE????!!!! What else has Hollywood been lying to me about??

While some viewers believe Kris Jenner orchestrated the whole feud to generate more ratings (probable), others are convinced their feud was genuine as Kourtney refused to attend Kim’s baby shower for Chicago. Kim hoped that Kourtney would put the feud behind her for the family event, but when she didn’t, Kim said, “So, I don’t think she’s big on family because if she was, she would be at my shower.”

Kourtney upon hearing this, probably:

Even though this feud happened months ago, it seems feelings are still raw, as the sisters went at each other last night on Twitter while reliving the fight on TV with the rest of us. We would be shocked to learn that this was just a PR stunt to get KUWTK ratings up and prefer to believe that Kourtney is, in fact, the sole Kardashian that slightly resembles a normal human, even if it makes her the most boring.

At the end of the day, we can’t feel that bad for any of the Kardashians as they’re making millions of dollars to fight with their siblings. The rest of us just do that for free.

Images: Giphy

A Letter To Our Future Kids Apologizing for the Kardashians

To our future kids and citizens of the Kardashian States of America,

We want to express our sincerest apologies for the dystopia you live in today. We feel responsible for this, because believe it or not, there used to be a time when the Overlord Kris and her 5,000 grandchildren didn’t rule the Earth. It’s shocking, we know, but we’ll do our best to explain.

A very long time ago, back in the ancient 1970s, Kris was just a nobody flight attendant, until she married a wealthy lawyer named Robert. They had four children together, who you know as Queens Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé, plus another one named Rob, who they killed off several years ago. Their family became famous when Robert Sr. successfully defended a murderer in court, which seems extremely ominous now that we think about it.

Anyway, Kris grew the dynasty by remarrying Olympic athlete Caitlyn Jenner (known at the time as Bruce), and having two more children: Princesses Kendall and Kylie. All the siblings helped cement the family as celebrity trash gold by starring in several iterations of a reality show called Keeping Up With the Kardashians, fucking a lot of rappers, and making a few sex tapes. It was all just fun and games at the time, but it got out of control a few years later, when they continued fucking rappers and spawning more and more children faster than we could keep track of.

We’ll admit that we let this happen by religiously watching their lives and enjoying every minute of it. We followed their love triangle clusterfuck, and were genuinely curious about everything from their lip and butt injections to what was in their salads. But how were we supposed to know that this was just the tip of the iceberg? We thought Kanye 2020 was a joke at first.

So please accept our condolences for the fact that solid food is now illegal, and you have to say the Pledge of Allegiance to Kylie in the morning at school. We feel especially sorry that Caitlyn put her face over the Lincoln Memorial, but we’re not sorry that Taylor Swift has been permanently exiled. Since we can’t undo the damage that’s already been done, it looks like we’re stuck dealing with the royal family for the long run. And yes, this is why all of your names start with “K.”

Oops. Our bad,

The Betches

Read: An Investigation Into Those Salads The Kardashians Are Always Eating

Kim Kardashian Basically Said She’s Glad She Got Robbed

It’s been almost seven months since Kim Kardashian got robbed in Paris, and she’s finally talking about it. Well, she’s been talking about it for a while, including the entire episode of Keeping Up about it, but she’s finally ready to do TV interviews about it. Our girl Ellen DeGeneres got the first interview, and honestly it was pretty interesting.

Ellen is the master of getting people to talk about things they might not want to—*makes mental note to invite Ellen over next time I confront my boyfriend for doing something shady*—but Kim clearly came prepared to tell the whole story so Ellen barely had to do anything. Kim talked about how the robbery has made her way less materialistic, and that she “knows it was meant to happen” to her. I’m happy Kim is alive and well, but come on, that has got to be the epitome of “shit rich people say.” Like, when I had a string of armed robberies in my apartment complex (#Atlanta), it didn’t make me “less materialistic,” but it did make me pay more attention to my surroundings at all times, never walk around with headphones, and always carry my keys wedged between my index and middle finger in case I needed to do a quick stabbing. Were those good life lessons to learn? Definitely. Would I have much preferred to learn those things without living in fear I’d get a gun shoved in my face in my parking deck? You fucking bet!

Don’t get me wrong, we’re glad Kim learned a lesson from that horrific experience—which we wouldn’t wish on anyone BTW—and we’re not mad that her Instagram has transitioned from flashy jewelry pics to grainy 1970s-style photographs. But like, Kim thinking she was “meant to” get robbed because she was materialistic is a whole Pandora’s box of victim self-blaming, which I’m not even gonna open right now. But whatever, I guess we all deal with tragedy in our own way.

In the interview, Kim talked about how she doesn’t really wear jewelry anymore, which makes sense tbh. She says she’s now a better role model for her kids—her sharp decline in thirst trap photos supports this statement—and that she views her whole life in a different way. She started to cry right on cue, and we can just imagine Kris watching gleefully as the crowd ate it all up. Behind every well-orchestrated TV interview, there’s a high power Momager pulling the strings.

We can’t believe we’re saying this, but at this point Kim might be the most down-to-earth member of her family. (If you’re wondering, it used to be Rob before he made it clear that Eggos were more important to him than his own daughter.) Kim seems happy and the most normal she’s been in basically…ever. How long will it last? Probably until the next time E! needs a ratings boost, so approximately seven months from now.

The 10 Drunk Vacation Personalities Explained By Kim Kardashian

The group vacation is a rite of passage for every betchy friend group and are basically bachelorette parties where everyone is the bride. No matter what roles you play in your friend group back home, as soon as you step off the plane in Ibiza, you become your Vacation Self, aka an entirely different person. The friend who is usually the designated driver suddenly becomes the person who is blacked out on the beach at 4pm. The serial dater who never fucks on the first date is suddenly showing random men her boobs for a dollar, and your one friend who is always in bed by 9pm hasn’t gone to sleep in three full days. It’s a magical time. This phenomenon is known as the Vacation Transformation and no one has exemplified it better than the Archangel Kimberly Noel Kardashian West who has been live-tweeting her current group vacay to Mexico where they are celebrating Kourtney Kardashian’s birthday and, apparently, getting lit AF.

Umm…is that a pink dildo? I’m pretty sure it is. No idea what’s going on here, tho:

Based off Kim’s tweets, we’ve have been able to identify the 10 types of vacation personalities your friend group is likely to assume once they take that very first sip of vacation tequila.

1. The Planner

There’s always at least one person on the vacation who has at least some semblance of their shit together. And by “have their shit together” we mean “has Googled things to do at your destination.” This is the friend who shows up at the beach armed with a list of every local happy hour and an extremely aspirational agenda for the day that will probably get thrown off the rails as soon as you guys are done with breakfast mimosas. Even still, this person will probably be responsible for some of the most Instagrammable moments of the trip, like that free cooking class you guys ~~blacked out in~~ took on the beach, or that foam party you went to for like 5 minutes before somebody smelled pee and you made a hasty retreat.

2. The Sex Addict

Most people who are on vacation are at least in some way looking to get fucked, meaning that there will be (at least) one person in your vacation group who takes this goal a little too far. They’re the friend who started scoping out potential hookups on the plane over and got your 40-year-old married cab driver’s number “just in case.” While this person may be a straight, mild-mannered Dr. Jekyll back home, they become a horny AF pansexual Mr. Hyde as soon as hotel check-in is complete. The benefit of having The Sex Addict on your trip is that they’re usually not just looking to get fucked for themselves, they’re looking for everybody to get fucked and will usually come back to the Airbnb each night with 5-10 good hookup prospects to be shared among the friend group. Just maybe make sure this person has made their own sleeping arrangements because anybody who rooms with them is either spending the night in the hallway or falling asleep to the sounds of sloppy drunk sex for the entirety of the vacation.

3. The Violent Extremist

There is always at least one person in your friend group who will use the vacay to express some of the inner rage that they’ve been building up over the course of the year, and this person is known as The Violent Extremist. This is the friend who seems fine one second, takes like two shots of tequila, and is suddenly getting into it with some rando girl at the bar for talking to “her” bartender. This person is essential for establishing your dominance over other nice girls at the club and for making sure that any person who dares fuck with you (or thinks about fucking with you) is dealt with accordingly. Just make sure you have a bail fund set aside for when they are inevitably arrested for spitting on Elsa at Disney World.

4. The Vacation Alcoholic

I mean, we’re all drunk on vacation. That’s a given. But one person in your friend group (maybe it’s you?) will make it their mission to be 100% intoxicated 100% of the time. This person starts drinking on the plane and doesn’t sober up until United is having them forcibly removed from their return flight for trying to bring a dog on the plane. No matter what level of drunkenness this person achieves in their home life, they will be multiplying that by about a thousand while on vacation. This person has some sort of fruity cocktail in their hand every second, and wakes you up every morning with freshly poured shots. While this behavior is absolutely appropriate for any and all vacations, you will absolutely have to stage an intervention if what happened in Cabo does not, in fact, stay there.

5. The Nudist

Vacations are a time to leave all your troubles behind, and by troubles, we mean clothes. Any group vacation will be incomplete without the person who refuses to put on clothes for the duration of the trip. This person will roll up to the beach in the kind of bikini that makes you say, “is this an Emperor’s New Clothes situation or is this chick naked?” You will literally have to force this betch into a sarong any time you want to leave the beach, and she’ll probably suggest nude hot tubbing multiple times before just hopping in there naked and making it happen. This person is different than The Sex Addict because for them, it’s not sexual. They’re just trying to be free. And low-key show off the beach body they’ve been working on literally all year.

6. The Narco

One of the hardest parts of leaving home is figuring out where to get drugs, but luckily, the group Narco is already on the case. This person begins scoping out ~~sketchy-looking locals~~ connections as soon as you guys hit the beach. Just leave this person to their own devices and they will find you a hookup. One minute you may be shocked to see your finance bro-loving bestie chatting up some white guy with dreads, only to realize that he just sold her a year’s supply of molly which you guys are now required to finish in the course of three days. You know what they say, seek and ye shall find. And this bitch is seeking hard.

7. The Lone Wolf

There’s always at least one person in a vacation group who will just straight up disappear halfway through the trip only to show up at check out like you guys didn’t already file a police report. On the plane ride back, you’ll find out that this person spent the entire week basically becoming a local, and they’ll casually know the name of every rando person on the street because they basically are all best friends now. They’re also the most likely to start a vacation romance that you’ll all have to hear about for the duration of the plane ride home, and will be a fruitful source of thirsty Instagram likes for basically the rest of their natural lives. Also don’t be surprised if this person turns up at the hotel one night with some club promoter they met on the beach and a shiny new wedding ring and is like “surpriissseeee!”

8. The Wounded Soldier

No vacation is complete without the person who injures themselves day one and forces everyone to spend a night in the beach hospital. This person will then spend the rest of the vacation hitting up bars while on crutches and thoroughly ignoring everything the doctor said about not getting sand in your stitches. They’ll be an infinite source of sympathy shots from people who don’t realize that they’re actually having the time of their life, and will somehow end up partying harder than everybody else, probably to overcompensate for the fact that they got run over by a scooter on the first day of spring break. Be nice to this person. They probably have painkillers.

9. The Social Media Strategist

Thank God for this person. They’re the ones who basically take it upon themselves to turn your vacation into a social media takeover, ensuring that all your lame-ass friends who ignored your planning email feel major FOMO over what appears to be the greatest vacation in the history of vacations. They take all the pictures, snap all the Snaps, and gram all the ‘Grams, while making sure that nobody in the group goes rogue and posts a subpar group pic or reveals the fact that you all wasted an entire day being hungover in your Airbnb. When you return to real life and people won’t stop telling you how amazing your trip looked, it’ll all be because of this person’s tireless work.

10. The One That’s Just Sitting Here On The Beach With Their Flawless Body

If this is you, congratulations, you’re Kim Kardashian and you won vacation. This is the person who somehow achieves what we all set out to achieve while going on vacation: rest and relaxation. They will return home tan, loose, and full of electrolytes. They also somehow magically remember everything that happened and though you distinctly remember them being by your side for any and all shot-taking, they are able to give a full account of your vacay without having to say, “and then I blacked out so I’m not sure what happened on Wednesday.” They’re basically the group unicorn, and I’m honestly unsure if they even truly exist.