4 Random Facts About Trump’s Meeting With Kim Jong Un

For the first time in history, Donald Trump was more productive than any of us. Instead of his regularly scheduled programming of screaming at sharks, he met with vicious dictator Kim Jong Un. The North Korea summit aimed to be the beginning of more talks about nuclear disarmament but turned into truly the most awkward hang of all time. Here are some of the highlights.

The Video

Trump made Kim (read: his assistants made Kim) a highly stylized video of why he should disarm North Korea and Trump showed it to him on an iPad. I currently see no difference between this and when my mom shows me three month old viral videos on her iPad.

There Were No Women

As you can tell from the above photo, there were zero women involved in this summit (though Kim Jong Un’s sister did accompany him to Singapore). I dare one of you to be surprised.

The Ice Cream

For dessert, the two insane men were fed Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream like two toddlers after they behaved for the day. I wonder if Trump let Kim Jong Un have the same amount of ice cream as him, or if he made him have one scoop less like he does with his staff. (Literally, Trump makes everyone on his staff have one less scoop of ice cream than him…)

Dennis Rodman?

Dennis Rodman was interviewed after the summit and openly wept while wearing a MAGA hat. I think that makes him the only Trump supporter somewhat in touch with his emotions.

Meanwhile, In The DPRK

As  this was all going down, North Korea aired an opera about mining on one of their five television stations in hopes of distracting its citizens. This is a tactic I use when babysitting. It works, FYI.

This is the look I give Tinder dates when they think it’s gone well and I have already forgotten their name.

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Who TF Would Want This Coin With Kim Jong Un’s Face On It?

You know what they say: don’t count your Venmos before they hit your account. Or rather, “don’t mint a new commemorative coin for an historic summit until it happens.” Apparently, no one has told President Trump this because the U.S. mint just released a new commemorative coin featuring Trump and Kim Jong-Un, two people who have never met, might never meet, and also don’t deserve to be on money. The Trump Kim Jong-Un coin was released just days after North Korea threatened to pull out of the summit over U.S. and South Korean military drills on the peninsula. So I guess our strategy is to try and guilt Kim Jong Un into doing the summit because like, we already made a coin? IDK. Sounds crazy, but then again half of this diplomacy went down on Twitter so maybe random shit like this will work.

There’s now a White House Military Office coin for the upcoming Trump Kim Jong Un summit. The North Korean dictator is referred to as “Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un.” pic.twitter.com/tFAmE813Y1

— Jim Acosta (@Acosta) May 21, 2018

As you can see, the coin (which, again, commemorates a meeting that has not taken place and might not actually happen) is hideous as fuck. Motion to make this many double chins illegal on legal tender? TBH, as a television personality, I’d really expect the president to know this angle does not work for him.  Anyway, this whole coin thing is something I’d expect to see produced by QVC and not like, the U.S. government, but then again we basically elected QVC president so this is what we get.

Over 250 of these monstrosities have been minted, which means 250 coins-worth of time has been wasted. Anyway, can’t wait to use this bullshit to pay for my laundry. At least that would be a more constructive use of my time than whatever the hell this is.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

A No Bullshit Look At Exactly How Scared You Should Be Of North Korea

Alright class, let’s go around the room and each say our what our biggest crippling fear has been since Election Night 2016! I’ll go first: mine is the continually escalating threat that our President will push Kim Jong Un’s buttons hard enough on social media that he will snap and launch a nuclear warhead at the US and kill us all. Ok, now it’s your turn. Same answer? All of you have the same answer? Put your hand down, Ashley, you’re making us a more noticeable target for the missiles.

Tuesday night, North Korea test launched yet another missile, shattering the speed and altitude records set by their last few launches. The Hwasong-15 missile reached a height of 2,800 miles into space, before falling back into the ocean 53 minutes later. That means that if another missile travels a similar distance, it has the ability to hit basically any mainland US city, as far as potentially D.C. or New York. Naturally, lots of people are freaking tf out about it because, well, the thought of getting blown to bits by a nuclear warhead strapped to a ballistic missile isn’t really a part of anyone’s 5-year plan. But before you call up that one architecture major you used to hook up with to ask him to design your underground doomsday bunker, let’s take a closer look at how panicked you should really be.

Can The Scary Flying Weapon Reach Us?

Short answer, yes. Long answer, not technically in the way that would do all the damage. The Hwasong-15 test missile had a light-weight mock warhead attached to it, in order to simulate what it would really be like if a missile with a bomb strapped to it was fired at a country full of innocent people. The good news is (lol there’s good news here?) a real nuclear weapon weighs a shit ton more than the dinky little mock-up version, and would likely significantly change the missile’s ability to fly as high or as fast, which could also affect accuracy. Speaking of accuracy, North Korea’s accuracy with ballistic weapons has been inconsistent, and as poor as six to twelve miles off-target. US missiles can hit a target within a couple of hundred feet (‘Merica, fuck yeah). North Korea is basically the guy you almost lost your virginity to in high school who thrust his “missile” a few too many inches off-target, jabbing into your thigh fat.

Even though it seems like we’re safe from total destructive capabilities for a little while longer, that doesn’t mean North Korean engineers aren’t working overtime to build a missile that could potentially deliver a massive nuclear punch. “They have an engineering team that knows what they’re doing. It’s hard to say if it’s six months or two years before they can deliver a nuclear warhead, but it’s heading in that direction,” said David Wright, physicist and co-director of the global security program at the Union of Concerned Scientists. I like to imagine the Union of Concerned Scientists is just a room full of men and women in lab coats, pacing nervously and expressing how concerned they are about literally everything. If that’s all it takes, I’d like to officially rename our office the Union of Concerned Betches, because we’re all filled with a similar existential dread, but with less lab coats and more vodka.

How Many Ways Can Trump Fuck Us Over?

The limit does not exist. But really, if you have also been unable to escape the daily eyeroll that is Donald Trump’s Twitter feed, you are already well aware that he is desperate to prove to Kim Jong Un that he is the world’s oldest playground bully. He has repeatedly called the leader of North Korea “Little Rocket Man,” and said Kim is short and fat. Sick insult, dude. Trump’s insane, inflammatory rhetoric is constantly pushing the limit and despite literally everyone telling him not to, he’s like a child who can’t help but threaten and provoke the country with the big scary killing machines. Dear Donny, a word of advice…

YOU ARE GOING TO GET US ALL KILLED IF YOU KEEP THIS SHIT UP. Grow up. Give your big giant ego a rest for like two seconds and please for the love of god stop tweeting vague threats at North Korea. The only way the situation can be deescalated at this point is with calm and diplomatic discussions, which are words that Trump has never strung together in the same sentence before. His official response to the missile test was simply, “We will handle it.” Um…k…care to elaborate? No? Didn’t think so. That’s the same answer I give my mom when she asks me to pick up the mountain of clothes I toss on the chair next to my bed instead of hanging them back up. “On it. I won’t forget. It’ll get done.” And we all know how that goes.

So bottom line is, don’t go out and buy a gas mask just yet, but yeah, you’re definitely allowed to raise the panic meter a notch or two. The White House and Foreign Policy advisors need to be extremely careful and swift in taking care of this problem before it really does become an imminent threat, or worse, lead to war. Also, Kim Jong Un, if you’re reading this I would just like you to know that I think you look so tall and super skinny, and your haircut is looking particularly sharp and angular today, and even though I wrote an article about you, I am in no way insulting your country or threatening you in any way, and oh my god please don’t bomb us. *nervously sweats* We cool?

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!