Alright, y’all, I’m currently writing this mid-heart palpitation, because not only is Kylie Jenner reportedly pregnant, but Khloé Kardashian is also reportedly pregnant. I know, how is this possible? Can this be real? Is Kendall going to announce her pregnancy like, two hours from now? I have so many questions, and so many more swirling around in my head that I’m too paralyzed to put into words. But it seems like I may have been right, and this is all one giant hoax. That’s because Kim Kardashian just shut down the pregnancy rumors in one tweet. Thank God for Kim. Bless her.
Earlier this morning, Kim tweeted the following:
Everyone around the world:
Then she continued to spill said anticipated tea, with the following:
“People who supposedly work with us ‘confirming’ details they know nothing about! Especially when we havent even communicated with them SMH”—WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? KIM, EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Does it mean Kylie and Khloé aren’t pregnant after all? It kind of seems like that’s what she means. But I’m going to hone in on the word “details” here—Kim isn’t going off on people confirming “news” or “reports,” but rather, the details. The former would imply that the stories at the core are false. However, by specifying “details,” it could mean that, while the reports themselves—that Kylie and Khloé are, in fact, pregnant—the details of the pregnancies, for instance, how far along they are, are incorrect. And that’s what we in the English department like to call a close reading. See, Dad? I totally put my degree to good use.
So did Kim just shut down the pregnancy rumors? This could 100% go either way, so thanks for that, Kim. In these types of situations (read: ambiguous-ass tweets), people see what they want to see.
Ten years later, the Kardashians still know exactly how to give us fucking whiplash. Just as we were figuring out how to cope with the news of Kylie’s pregnancy, news broke yesterday afternoon that Khloé is also expecting a child. This one is a little less surprising, considering Khloé has talked about wanting a baby for like, 75 years and she’s not legally a minor, but still, it’s a lot to process.
The father is of course Tristan Thompson, whom Khloé must love a lot because she literally spends half her time in Cleveland now. Like, that’s fucking commitment. She’s probably pretty pissed that Kylie stole her thunder by getting pregnant at the same time, but Khloé has a lot of practice getting overlooked and ignored next to her sisters.
We’re excited for Khloé, but we have some important theories about what the fuck is going on in Calabasas right now.
1. Triple Surrogates
We all know Kim is having a baby via surrogate, but we have no idea who the mystery surrogate is. But what if she wanted choices? Maybe she got Kylie, Khloé, and a third rando woman pregnant, and then she’ll choose the best baby in some kind of savage lottery. “Sorry Kylie, but your baby is ugly, so you have to raise it now.”
1a. Triplet Surrogates
No, I didn’t just type the same thing twice, and you didn’t just have a seizure. God, what has reading comprehension in this country come to? Anyway, what if Kim is not farming three babies to ultimately choose the hottest one, but rather, TRIPLET SURROGATES? What if Kim purposefully wants to have triplets so she can upstage Beyoncé’s twins? BOOM. I think I’m onto something.
2. Mother Knows Best
As the world’s top momager, it’s Kris Jenner’s job to make sure her family stays interesting enough for reality TV. Maybe she got desperate and switched out the family birth control for Tic Tacs. This honestly doesn’t even seem far-fetched. The devil works, but Kris Jenner works harder.
3. Pregnancy Pacts
Remember like 10 years ago, when Juno came out and Republicans everywhere were like, terrified that teens were going to make pregnancy pacts? That never really happened outside of that one high school in Massachusetts and Law & Order: SVU, but Kylie and Khloé definitely could’ve decided together that this would be their year to make it happen. Add Kim’s surrogate to the mix and this seems too crazy to be a coincidence.
4. It’s All A Hoax
Climate change isn’t a hoax, but these pregnancies might be. Technically we still haven’t gotten official confirmation on any of it, so maybe it’s all an elaborate prank they’re all playing on Kris that will be unveiled in six months on Keeping Up. We don’t want this to be true, but really nothing would surprise us anymore.
5. Something In The Water
Maybe Ryan Seacrest and Kris have collaborated to create some new chemical pregnancy compound that they’ve been filtering into the Calabasas water. Kylie and Khloé were the clinical trial, and now that it works, they’re going to take over the world selling their pregnancy juice. They can call it Kim-bucha and charge $13 a bottle at Whole Foods.
6. Making Kendall Jealous
Maybe the rest of the sisters have finally come to terms with the fact that Kendall will always be the skinniest one, so they’re trying a different tactic to make her jealous. After all, now everyone else, including Rob, will have a baby of their own, so Kenny will probably feel pretty left out. Whatever, she’s always had more common sense than Kylie.