Last night was a momentous night in television. It was the 90th annual Academy Awards. We were all focusing our attention on the gowns, the speeches, and the (alleged) sexual predators. After last year, anything was possible and it was all exciting. But you know what no one was focusing all their attention on? The Kardashians. And they will not stand for it. It’s not like it’s 2004 for God’s sake. So naturally, Khloé had to announce her baby’s gender, and oh yeah, it’s a girl! Thank you, Khloé, for ripping me away from my favorite night of the year judging beautiful people from my couch in a dirty sweatshirt. Now would be a good time to remind you all the Kylie confirmed her pregnancy hours before the Super Bowl. Is no American TV pastime sacred to these people?
It had been reported by many outlets, including US Weekly, that Khloé was having a boy. All of the new stories conveniently forget to mention that fact. It’s cool, I’d also rather die a painful fiery death than admit that I was wrong about something like when The Bachelor airs. So I get it. I’m just saying don’t go to Vegas any time soon, US Weekly. You had one job.
On last night’s episode, Khloé’s doctor told Kylie that Khloé was expecting a girl. Kylie then created a gender reveal cake, and by “created” I mean she probably had a team of unpaid interns do all the work while she took the credit. Later on in the episode, Khloé told Kim and Kourtney the news. Khloé appeared to be upset, so she tweeted this after the episode to clarify:
God gives us what we need! His timing is never wrong! ???????? my hormones were IN RARE FORM for that news
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 5, 2018
Surrrree, Khloé. I am not convinced this wasn’t planned from the beginning, and I’m going to go even further and say that at least two-thirds of the recent Kardashian babies were planned to be girls. As Amy Schumer says, the Kardashians are women that take their original faces as a light suggestion. You think they’re going to leave gender to chance?
As a freelance writer who, in one scarring moment, skimmed my friend’s copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, I’m uniquely qualified to examine this situation. Hear me out. Kim had a surrogate, which means they implanted an embryo. You can find out which embryos are boys and which ones are girls. They knocked that surrogate up with a girl intentionally. That’s one. Khloé has long documented her pregnancy struggles. I doubt she got pregnant this time without help. You can also choose the gender with IVF. That’s two. Kylie’s baby’s gender was probably just pure chance because I refuse to believe that any 20-year-old with talons for nails actually wanted to have a baby, let alone went through the process of making sure it’s a girl. Look, I’m not saying you have to believe me, but if you don’t, Kris Jenner definitely made a deal with the devil and that’s far more concerning.
Now that we know the baby is a girl, I might have to re-evaluate my baby name predictions, which I foolishly based on shitty reporting. Now, I wonder what Kris has to do to ensure that the baby gets Khloé’s post-surgery nose? Time will tell.
It’s been a long, wild ride on the Kardashian Pregnancy Rumor Roller Coaster Extraordinaire, also known as the Kris Jenner 4000. Rumors broke a long-ass time ago that Khloé and Kylie are pregnant, but nobody from the Kardashian camp has confirmed anything. STILL. Many of us believed they would make the official announcement in the form of a baby bump reveal in the Kardashian Christmas card, but Khloé’s first appearance yesterday seems to have discredited that theory. But where Kris Jenner giveth away, she also taketh, because the newly released trailer for the new episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians provides a major clue.
There’s one point in the trailer where the whole clan is gathered ’round at what looks to be a party, and it looks like Khloé has just dropped some big news. Everyone is seen gasping and crying, and Kim turns to Kris and says, “Did you not know?” Kris says, “No!” and then everyone hugs Khloé. Now, there are a lot of things one could announce that would fit into this scene, but naturally many people (aka me and my coworkers) are inclined to believe this is the moment Khloé reveals she’s pregnant. There’s also a moment, earlier in the trailer, where Kris is seeing calling Kylie. She says, “Hi, Kylie,” and then, “WHAT?!” so that could be the moment she finds out her 20-year-old daughter is pregnant. But that’s quickly followed up with a, “Should we have her arrested?” so I’m less convinced about that. Then again, I do personally think Kylie Jenner should be arrested for daring to bring her spawn into this world, but I sadly am not a District Attorney so I don’t have the power to bring charges against her.
Anyway, watch the whole video below and comment with your conspiracy theories.
This fall, while everyone has been busy talking about the Mueller investigation and when Trump will get indicted, we’ve been focused on investigating something more important: the mysterious Kardashian pregnancies. It’s been months at this point, and both Kylie and Khloé have managed to somehow avoid fully confirming their ~alleged~ pregnancies. But that might be about to change. It looks like Khloé is getting ready to announce her pregnancy, and here’s why.
On the most recent episode of Keeping Up, it was Christmas at Kris Jenner’s house, and she just couldn’t keep her mouth shut about her many grandchildren. The family had their big Christmas dinner (filmed in October, naturally), and Kris started to tear up while giving the following speech:
“I used to pray that one of you guys would have a baby. And now it’s like a faucet that that we turned on and it won’t turn off, so the fact that I have all these grandchildren—it’s been the most amazing journey to watch your kids . It’s truly the meaning of life.”
So besides Kris being a hormonal mess, she’s also basically giving confirmation that like, all of her children are currently pregnant. She also goes Christmas shopping in the episode, and she talks about shopping for her grandkids as something that “never seems to end.” Kris is teasing us, and we need more info.
Another interesting development came this week when Kris bought another mansion in LA, adding to her family’s already impressive LA real estate portfolio. It’s unclear who or what the house is for, but Kris definitely doesn’t need it. Our theory is that she could be getting a new house ready for Khloé while Khloé is busy hanging out with Tristan in Cleveland.
Khloé’s been spending most of her time in Cleveland recently, which makes sense, because Tristan is there for the NBA season, but also because there are literally no paparazzi in Ohio. When Khloé has been out and about, she’s been wearing giant sweatshirts and holding her purse in front of her stomach, because that doesn’t draw any attention.
So here’s our guess: Kim’s baby is supposedly due before Christmas, which means she’ll be the center of attention a month from now. If Khloé announces her pregnancy sometime in the next couple weeks, it’ll give her the perfect time in the spotlight, and then she can go back to Cleveland and lay on the couch until the baby comes. Khloé’s time as the center of attention has been historically pretty limited, so she should really seize this opportunity to be the most important sister.
I’ll just come out and say it: At this point, the Kardashians need to just fucking confirm their pregnancies already. We know Kylie and Khloé are pregnant. They know we know they’re pregnant. We know they know we know they’re pregnant. They know we know they know… wait, what was I saying? Oh, right. The world knows Khloé and Kylie are pregnant. So can they stop trifling and just confirm it so we can all move on with our lives? No, because there’s no endless stream of speculation-related publicity in that. Ugh, Kris Jenner is such a genius, but sometimes I wish she would use her genius for good instead of evil. Well, Kris didn’t officially confirm Khloé and Kylie’s pregnancies, but she did the next best thing: she basically confirmed them via Instagram.
Six days ago (how am I just learning about this now?? I need to update my Google alerts), Kris Jenner posted an Instagram of a bunch of pajama sets (which you can buy here if you’re so inclined), and wrote in the caption, “thank you for a collection for every one of my grandchildren”. EVERY ONE OF MY GRANDCHILDREN. Now check out this picture. Can you figure out how many grandchildren Kris is going to have?
Thank you so much #burtsbeesbaby @burtsbeesbaby #bbbfamjams for the most amazing collection of family jammies ever and i am obsessed with the plaid !!!!! Can’t wait to cuddle up with the kids #holidayseason thank you for a collection for every one of my grandchildren ❤️ #blessed #grateful thanks for the idea @oprah !!
If you can do basic counting (congrats), you’ve quickly determined that Kris has nine—count ’em, nine—grandkids. She’s already got Saint, North, and Kim’s new baby who I’m going to preemptively name Goddess (it could happen), Penelope, Mason, and Reign. Oh, and Dream. I always forget about Dream. So that’s seven grandkids total if you can still do basic counting. BUT THAT STILL LEAVES TWO PAJAMA SETS. That leaves only one viable conclusion:
Kris is keeping two pajama sets for herself the other sets are for Khloé and Kylie’s babies, respectively. And boom goes the dynamite.
Bam. We just blew this case wide open. It’s been another productive day at the internet. Good job, team. Let’s pack it in for today.
Another day, another tidbit of possible news in the is-Khloé-Kardashian-pregnant-or-isn’t-she debacle of 2017. I tell ya, we’re living through history, folks. Literally yesterday I raised some (in my opinion) very valid questions surrounding Khloé’s pregnancy. Mainly, if she is pregnant, how is she so fucking skinny? Well, I am now pretty sure that Khloé Kardashian reads Betches, because her latest Instagram just might confirm the pregnancy reports. Khloé posted a picture where she is resting her hand on her stomach, or should I say, her baby bump? I’ll let you all look at the photo and then decide.
Since rumors of Khloé’s reported pregnancy broke, a lot has happened. Reports have surfaced that Tristan Thompson, the rumored baby daddy, is looking to buy a house in Los Angeles, where Khloé lives. He’s reportedly looking to spend a very modest $20 million, which should just barely accommodate himself, Khloé, and the new baby. But with still no word from the Kardashian camp, all we can continue to do is speculate, probably until next season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, when they will reveal what we’ve all unofficially known for months.
Anyway, you all take a look at this Instagram and let me know if it’s a sign or just a coincidence or just a giant troll.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to add this to my Kardashian Pregnancy Conspiracy Wall. Right now, it looks something like this:
I need a hobby.
Just once, I’d like to go 12 fucking hours without having my mind blown by another Kardashian pregnancy announcement. I was just wrapping my head around the fact that Kylie is kind of a teen mom now, when Khloé comes out with her own pregnancy announcement. That makes not one, not two, but THREE Kardashian babies in 2018, if you count Kim and her surrogate situation. I. Am. Shook. I, mean, WHERE IS YOUR BIRTH CONTROL, LADIES?? It’s like they don’t realize that their livelihoods depend entirely on how good they look? Idk. Also, wtf is Kris Jenner thinking? Because I don’t for one fucking second believe that these pregnancies were not orchestrated in an attempt to combat shitty Keeping Up ratings. Let’s be real here, Kris has had all of her children on some form of birth control since they hit puberty and she could start
exploiting their bodies to the media career-coaching them. She’s not stupid, she knows pregnancy doesn’t pay the bills, semi-nude photo shoots do. Fucking duh.
So if she is letting her daughters run rampant with their vaginas then it’s got to be for some sort of strategic reason. That said, I can also see these girls going rogue, if only to test how well Kris can spin a pregnancy. And if they are testing the limits of Kris’s
contract with the devil PR powers, then they’ve totally all made some sort of pregnancy pact and trashed all of their birth control. So let’s explore what kind of birth control method each member of the Kardashian Klan are actively not using rn. My parents would be so proud of how I’m using my college degree.
Kendall: The Pill
I get a sense that Kendall is
boring AF methodical, and therefore needs the most average a more precise birth control to fit her personality. Plus Kendall is the only Kardashian with enough brain cells to realize that she would be nothing without her body. As the third highest paid model in the world, she knows that there’s no way in hell she can afford to get pregnant by some rich European dude she only fucked around with for two weeks because she wanted to use his yacht in Cannes. Smart girl.
Kylie: Pull & Prayer
I don’t for one second believe this girl wasn’t letting Travis Scott raw dog her on her daily basis. Since I’m pretty sure Kris Jenner had to bribe Ryan Seacrest into finagling Kylie a GED, I’m thinking she missed the part of Sex Ed where they taught her important shit, like how the pull-out method absolutely does work. Or honestly, knowing Kylie (which I do on a very close personal basis), she probably read about the Rhythm Method in some ironic Tumblr post and thought it was when you listen to rap while having sex and thought she was covered. If this is the year of realizing stuff then I’m hoping she’ll realize where babies come from.
Kourtney: Female Condoms
Kourtney’s a tough one for me to
make wild assumptions about her sex life figure out her birth control methods. On the one hand, with Scott it was probably easy AF to control when and how she got pregnant. Most of the time I’m sure he was so drunk he couldn’t get it up, and the other half of the time she probably just had to sit on his prone body to impregnate herself. On the other hand, I feel like she has to be more careful now that she’s dating someone young enough for her to babysit a Brazilian model. I feel like Kourtney is into some weird shit when it comes to personal hygiene and stuff she puts in her body. I mean, remember that one time she stopped wearing deodorant because she was convinced Dove was trying to poison her with their “shower fresh” scent? Or the time she wanted to eat Reign’s placenta for its healing powers? Yeah, this bitch isn’t on your average birth control, that’s for fucking sure. If I had to guess, I’d say she’s into like, female condoms or like, birth control sponges or some shit. Something that’s annoying AF to use and only works half the time because at the end of the day she’s obsessed with getting pregnant regardless of whose sperm is involved.
Khloé: The Garbage Condom Method
Word on the
street gossip columns that I religiously follow is that Khloé has been trying for-fucking-ever to have a child. If that’s the case then I’m still about to shit on her good fortune genuinely happy for Khloé. If I had to guess, I’d say her method of birth control involves a condom, which she snags from the garbage can 2.5 seconds after the dude leaves, takes to her fertility doctors, has scrambled in with her eggs and then implants into her uterus. Congrats on trapping a decent man the new baby, Khlo!
Kim: The IUD
If Kim’s Instagram account is any indication, this bitch is never trying to get pregnant ever again. Especially not when she knows she can just pay someone to carry a human life for her. Because nothing says “I hate
getting fat pregnancy” like vacation candids of her with her entire ass on display while Offred her surrogate is quarantined for the next nine months in a windowless room (I assume) growing Kimye’s spawn. Nah, Kim is ALL about the IUD. She knows she’s nothing without her hot bod and army of skanks Instagram followers and letting childbirth get in the way of that is, like, soooo 2016.
^^Actual footage of Kim proposing the idea of a third child to Kanye
Alright, y’all, I’m currently writing this mid-heart palpitation, because not only is Kylie Jenner reportedly pregnant, but Khloé Kardashian is also reportedly pregnant. I know, how is this possible? Can this be real? Is Kendall going to announce her pregnancy like, two hours from now? I have so many questions, and so many more swirling around in my head that I’m too paralyzed to put into words. But it seems like I may have been right, and this is all one giant hoax. That’s because Kim Kardashian just shut down the pregnancy rumors in one tweet. Thank God for Kim. Bless her.
Earlier this morning, Kim tweeted the following:
Everyone around the world:
Then she continued to spill said anticipated tea, with the following:
“People who supposedly work with us ‘confirming’ details they know nothing about! Especially when we havent even communicated with them SMH”—WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? KIM, EXPLAIN YOURSELF. Does it mean Kylie and Khloé aren’t pregnant after all? It kind of seems like that’s what she means. But I’m going to hone in on the word “details” here—Kim isn’t going off on people confirming “news” or “reports,” but rather, the details. The former would imply that the stories at the core are false. However, by specifying “details,” it could mean that, while the reports themselves—that Kylie and Khloé are, in fact, pregnant—the details of the pregnancies, for instance, how far along they are, are incorrect. And that’s what we in the English department like to call a close reading. See, Dad? I totally put my degree to good use.
So did Kim just shut down the pregnancy rumors? This could 100% go either way, so thanks for that, Kim. In these types of situations (read: ambiguous-ass tweets), people see what they want to see.