Yesterday was a big day in Kardashian-land, as Khloé Kardashian celebrated her 35th birthday. As is customary for the Kardashians, Khloé’s birthday party was a lavish affair designed to look cool on Instagram, and as usual, I’m mad that my invitation seemed to get lost in the mail. But looking at the party, some things started to seem a little bit familiar. It might just be that I know too much about historic Kardashian parties, but was Khloé’s party theme recycled?
Come with me for a moment while I take a journey back in time. The date was May 21st, 2019 (oky, not that far back in time) and everyone who matters in Calabasas was at the launch party for Kylie Skin. Obviously the entire Kardashian crew was there, along with other VIP guests like Caitlyn Jenner and James Charles. The party was a millennial pink wonderland, complete with a life-size glass magazine cover photobooth and a whole-ass roller rink.
The party was the exact brand of extra that the Kardashians prefer, where every single detail is exactly coordinated, and it probably looks way more fun on Instagram than it is in real life. The food at the party notably looked like reheated crap made in an Easy Bake oven, including French fries, pizza, and ramen noodles (??).
Last night, Khloé documented all the ridiculous things at her birthday party on her Instagram story, and while there were beautiful flowers from Jeff Leatham (who I’m pretty sure is just locked in Kris Jenner’s basement at this point), some of the other stuff basically looked like it came from the Kylie Skin launch.
Exhibit A: This millennial pink room/area/display set up specifically for photos. Every Kardashian party has photo areas or booths, but Khloé specifically thanked “Auntie Kylie” for setting up the pink gym. At Kylie’s party, there was a fake pink bathroom, the pink magazine cover, and an entire wall of pink roller skates. How many pink backgrounds can you pose in front of?
Exhibit B: The food. On KoKo’s story, she specifically showed off some disgusting looking grilled cheese sandwiches with pink cheese. I don’t know why anyone would want to eat this, but Kylie also had pink food at her party. There was sushi with pink rice, as well as fries and other things that came in special pink containers.
Exhibit C: The drinks. Khloé posted a photo of the specialty drink menu at her party, which of course was millennial pink and themed to her. This is suspiciously similar to Kylie’s party, which has specialty coconut blush drinks that were, you guessed it, pink!! Both of these parties were extreme in the dedication to the pink theme, which makes it seem like one of them really should have chosen a different color.
Exhibit D: Their faces. At Khloé’s birthday party, there were paddles with cutouts of her current face. But honestly, at first glance, I really thought it was a photo of Kylie. All of these women are just morphing closer and closer to being the same, and Khloé’s face has been damn near unrecognizable lately. At this rate, Kris Jenner will probably just get some extensions and reuse these for her next birthday, because she’s been looking extra tight lately.
Honestly, who is this woman? It’s spooky how different she looks.
I hope Khloé Kardashian had a great birthday, and of course, I don’t really think any of these decorations at Khloé’s birthday party were literally recycled from Kylie’s skincare launch. That would be far too practical for this family. After all, we can’t forget that Kylie is the one who literally planned an entire music festival for her daughter’s first birthday. But maybe for the next party we can do a green theme, or at least a different shade of pink?
Images: khloekardashian (5), kyliejenner / Instagram
Let’s be real—Khloé Kardashian has had kind of a rough year. Her baby daddy cheated on her many times, most notably with one of her best friends, she’s now raising a daughter on her own, and we’ve accused her of Photoshopping her photos many, many times. Okay, she deserves the last one, but whatever. Unlike most people, who deal with their feelings by overeating, seeing a therapist, or just having a good cry, Khloé likes to express herself through one of my favorite bygone forms of communication: subtweets and emo Instagram stories.
Khloé’s Instagram and Snapchat stories are a mix of adorable family photos, questionably edited thirst traps, and text posts screenshotted from god knows where. Thankfully, all of Khloé’s stories have been preserved by @khloesnapchats on Instagram, because someone has to do the Lord’s work. Today is Khloé’s 35th birthday (I feel old), so let’s raise a glass to some of her most iconically emo posts.
Let’s start, of course, with a classic that KoKo posted in the immediate aftermath of the Jordyn Woods scandal. Obviously, Khloé’s world, along with her relationship with Tristan, was crashing down, so it’s understandable that she was really upset. I might not have gone with the Taylor Swift snake tactic, but to each their own.
Idk if this is an ancient Chinese proverb or something, but the message is clear. Back in the day, my favorite subtweets were always the ones that were 100% obvious who they were directed at. Like, okay Shayna, we all know that your “cryptic” tweet about relationships is about the deadbeat father of your child, it’s not that hard to figure out.
Here’s another one of my obvious faves:
Hmmmm what could this one possibly be referring to? Silly me, it’s probably about Scott. Idk if Tristan Thompson is actually watching these stories or not, but Khloé knows exactly what she’s doing here. Also, I love that the background and formatting of this looks like something that my stepmom would have shared on Facebook in 2011. Great aesthetic choices all around.
But while I love an obvious subtweet moment, it’s also a pleasure when Khloé Kardashian gets a little deeper with her messaging. Take, for example, this little gem that KoKo posted earlier this month. Honestly, her Instagram story is a damn self help book.
I love the way the millennial pink pairs with the message that growth can only happen from intense emotional pain. So fun!! I can just imagine Khloé sitting in her mansion, searching “revenge quotes” on Pinterest. Seems like a healthy pastime.
Here’s another lovely bit of word salad, which I’m not positive I understand:
I’m not sure if Khloé is advocating staying in a shitty relationship just because the person likes you, but “real is rare” really has a nice ring to it. Khloé Kardashian is definitely the kind of person who posts something like this and then feels like she’s really shown the haters who’s boss. Which like, she’s way richer than me, so maybe that’s the truth.
There’s nothing KoKo likes better than a good zinger, like this one about the fragility of men’s egos:
She’s really not wrong.
At the beginning of this article, my intention was to break down what all of these posts could be about, but that seems a little less fun now, because I’m realizing that they’re all. About. Tristan. Like, I’m not saying that Khloé shouldn’t be upset about the disintegration of her relationship with the father of her child, but I feel like it would benefit her to move on a little bit. I’ve made my love of subtweets clear, but it can only make her feel so good to post sh*t like this:
But at the end of the day, it’s Khloé Kardashian’s birthday, and I’m not here to tell her how she should feel. We all deal with trauma in our own way, and Khloé’s preferred method is indirect clapbacks on social media. Cheers! Hopefully 35 for her is a year of finding happiness, whether that’s in a new relationship or just with her daughter and all her millions of dollars. HBD KoKo!
Images: Shutterstock; khloesnapchats (6) / Instagram
