I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Tristan Thompson has a problem keeping it in his pants. Whether he’s hooking up with his baby mama’s family friend, motorboating randos in the club, or, let’s face it, doing a lot of shady sh*t we probably haven’t even heard about about, he’s definitely not remaining faithful to the best member of reality TV’s First Family. And he seemed like such a stand-up guy when he left his pregnant girlfriend for Khloé! This is an American tragedy.
Thankfully, we have Khloé to help keep our heads up during this dark time, because she for sure will not be taking the high road. No, Khloé is going to end this relationship as pettily as humanly possible. And nothing makes me evil giggle more than a good old fashioned public display of revenge. So, let’s take a look at the pettiest things Khloé has done in response to Tristan’s cheating. Enjoy them now, before she takes him back gets mature and, like, stops publicly shaming him.
1. Put True In A “Wish You Were Here” Shirt
Let’s start with the most recent incident, shall we? Last week, Khloé posted a picture of True to her Instagram story. A totally normal thing to do. I mean, I can’t even open Instagram anymore without seeing every single bowel movement that came out of my friend’s children. Everyone posts pictures of their babies, right? Wrong. Or at least, not like this. Because True just happened to be wearing a shirt that said “wish you were here.” And US Weekly is reporting that Khloé is unhappy with Tristan because he hasn’t been making an effort to be in True’s life. Damn. It’s too bad Tristan clearly doesn’t give a sh*t about Khloé’s feelings, or this would have been a sick burn.
Leave it to a Kardashian to use an 11-month old baby to get back at their ex. They’re so rich now they don’t even care that they’re setting their children up for a lifetime of therapy. A small price to pay for 1 million likes, am I right?
2. Roasted Him On Twitter
We are so #blessed to live in the era of social media. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t read about celebrity sex scandals in 280 characters or less. I’d probably have to start sh*t with my own friends or something. Thankfully, I have Khloé Kardashian to keep me apprised of where her boyfriend’s d*ck has been, and it’s all accessible via an app on my phone. And boy, is she keeping us up to date.
After Jordyn blabbed to Jada about what happened between her and Tristan, Khloé came after her, accusing Jordyn of breaking up her family. Naturally, people took issue with all the blame being thrown at Jordyn since it takes two to tango swap bodily fluids. So, Khloé decided to come at Tristan too.
This has been an awful week & I know everyone is sick of hearing about it all (as am I). I’m a rollercoaster of emotions & have said things I shouldn’t have. Honestly, Tristan cheating on me & humiliating me, wasn’t such a shock as the first time.
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 2, 2019
“Tristan cheating on me & humiliating me wasn’t a shock,” OUCH. Ladies, if you would not be shocked to find out that your significant other cheated on you, please imagine I just smacked you in the face with my huge red flag. Throw the man away!
Tristan is equally to blame but Tristan is the father of my child. Regardless of what he does to me I won’t do that to my daughter. He has been addressing this situation PRIVATELY. If Tristan were to lie publicly about what conspired,then yes I would address him publicly as well
— Khloé (@khloekardashian) March 1, 2019
It’s also interesting of Khloé to mention that she has been addressing the situation with Tristan privately. So he publicly rubs his face in another woman’s chest, and he publicly “kisses” Jordyn Woods, but he gets to privately beg for forgiveness. Doesn’t she see the issue here? He can’t even man up and tweet an apology?! Disgusting.
3. Deleted His Pictures From Her Instagram
Okay so if we’re being honest here, I don’t actually follow any of the Kardashians on Instagram. Sure, I like to check what they’re doing obsessively, but I also like to reply, “oh no, I don’t follow them,” in a superior tone to anyone who asks me if I saw the latest picture of Kim’s ass. I know, I hate me too. So because of that, I can’t say with complete authority that Khloé deleted any pictures of Tristan from her Instagram vs. she just didn’t post any to begin with, but it does seem suspect that there are more photos of her Birkin bags on her feed than there are of the man with whom she created a life. So I suspect a serious social scrub.
She’s also clearly using Instagram to show him what he’s missing. I believe I’ve heard this referred to as the “revenge body.”
4. Named Their Child True
And finally, in the ultimate act of pettiness after Tristan was caught cheating in 2018, Khloé named their baby True Thompson. I know, I know, Kris Jenner tried to convince all of us it’s a family name, but I would not put it past her to resort to bribery to change old birth records. What, like it’s hard?
And even on the off chance that True was a family name, perhaps it wasn’t the best choice to give your child that name after your boyfriend was just caught lying and cheating on you? You didn’t want to just go with Jessica to avoid speculation? Are you too good for the name Emma, Khloé?
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And that’s how petty our girl Khloé is! I hope she chooses her next boyfriend much more carefully, but I doubt that will happen. So look for another story just like this in 9-12 months! Can’t wait for those tweets.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy (1); theshaderoom, khloekardashian (2) /Instagram; khloekardashian/Twitter
Y’all, it’s been a wild few weeks for the Kardashians, what with Jordyn Woods being excommunicated from the family and Kylie calling out Travis Scott for cheating. Kris has been working overtime, and honestly, I applaud her efforts. It’s no secret that Kris Jenner will do literally anything for a buck, so I would not be surprised if the recent blast of Kardashian scandals in the media, in fact, originated from one of Kris’s chardonnay-induced fever dreams. As someone who prides herself in Keeping Up, I like to think that I can spot a true scandal from a Kris Jenner-scripted scandal. That said, lately it’s been hard to tell what’s real and what Kris had her intern pull from their MFA short story collection. So put on your tinfoil hats, betches, because I’m about to deep-dive into every scandal I believe Kris Jenner concocted for PR purposes.
Let’s start with the most recent development on the KarJenner front: #JordynGate. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the scandal, then IDK what to tell you other than I’d like to throw spoiled fruit at you in the town square because MY GOD how can you not have heard about this by now? Basically, Kylie’s BFF/Stormi’s live-in nanny, Jordyn Woods, hooked up with Khloé’s baby daddy, Tristan Thompson, and the internet promptly lost its sh*t over it. They hooked up two weeks ago at a house party and the tea is STILL being spilled. In the midst of all the drama, the Kardashians have closed rank around Khloé and have committed the ultimate act of petty: unfollowing Jordyn Woods on Instagram and making her lip kit collab more affordable than a Wet n Wild lip stain. To retaliate, Jordyn is taking to Jada Pinkett Smith’s talk show today (!!!) to talk about the scandal, despite the fact that she reportedly has an ironclad NDA with the fam. And while I absolutely called out sick today to watch said tell-all, that doesn’t mean that I don’t on some level think that this entire thing was orchestrated by Kris Jenner for better KUWTK ratings. Let’s examine the evidence!
EXHIBIT A: The infamous hookup took place at a house party where CONVENIENTLY there is no photographic evidence of said hookup, just the word of a guy who thrives on messy drama. Also, what is the motive for Jordyn hooking up with Tristan? A half a million more Instagram followers? I would argue that Jordyn was already gaining fame as Kylie Jenner’s BFF. Wouldn’t it be easier to ride the coattails of your BFF’s fame through lavish paid vacations and lip kit deals rather than fake an orgasm with the Cavalier’s bench warmer? No, sh*t isn’t lining up here…
EXHIBIT B: The scandal CONVENIENTLY broke before the newest season of Keeping Up With The Kardashians aired, which is suspicious AF because last season had historically low ratings. Are we really to believe that this hookup would take place right when the show is desperate for a much-needed PR stunt and everyone is just supposed to chalk it up as a happy coincidence? Are we??
I 100 percent believe Kris could be the mastermind behind this scandal. Think about it. The show is pretty irrelevant at this point. We have 24/7 access to these people via social media; why do we need to tune in every goddamn Sunday when we could watch the exact same storyline play out in real time via Kim’s obnoxiously long Snapchat stories? Nah. I’m calling bullsh*t on this one.
2. Stormi’s Birth Announcement
We all remember the year Kylie had
the best kept secret in Hollywood a teen pregnancy and then CONVENIENTLY announced the birth of her child via an 11 minute long YouTube video on one of the most important days for PR/marketing: the Super Bowl. Once again, the Kardashians claimed this was just “convenient timing.” It’s not like Kris was poking holes in condoms or hiding her daughters’ birth control so she could have three grandbabies in three months, right? And she certainly wouldn’t have Kylie induced early so they could announce the secret baby on a day when millions of people would be on social media so they could capitalize FOR FREE on media coverage that other companies paid millions for. Yeah, that doesn’t sound like Kris at all…
3. Khloé’s Paternity
This was a long con to run, even for Kris. The mystery behind who fathered Khloé Kardashian is still being investigated to this day. It’s been a longtime rumor that Robert Kardashian Sr. isn’t Khloé’s father, and tbh, if you have working eyes then it’s not hard to see that there might be some truth to that rumor. Some people think Kris had an affair with OJ Simpson, while others believe Khloé’s dad is Kris’s longtime hairdresser Alex Roldan. But the speculation has not stopped once in the 10+ years since KUWTK first aired. Whenever things would get stale on KUWTK, Kris would suggest the family take DNA tests “just for fun” or a random “source” would all of the sudden come forward with new information regarding Khloé’s dad. Khloé’s paternity is like Kris’s trump card. Whenever she’s bored or the media hasn’t run a story about her spawn for five f*cking seconds, she whips this scandal back out for old time’s sake.
4. Kim’s Sex Tape
And to bring this full circle, let’s bring it back to the very first Kardashian scandal to ever grace our television screens: Kim’s sex tape. The sex tape is
arguably objectively what put Kim Kardashian on the map. Before the sex tape, Kim’s biggest claim to fame was being third in line to be Paris Hilton’s best friend and first in line to organize her Juicy tracksuit collection.
Never forget where you come from, Kim.
After the sex tape, she had her very own show on E!, magazine spreads, and people actually started shopping at Dash. Now, Kim is dining at the f*cking White House, and all of this happened because of A SEX TAPE. There’s no arguing that Kris Jenner spun PR gold out of what should otherwise have been a stain on their family name, but I have a deep suspicion that Kris Jenner leaked the tape to begin with. It’s public knowledge that the porn company Vivid Entertainment released Kim’s sex tape Kim Kardashian, Superstar, but who sent the tape to Vivid Entertainment?? It could have been Ray J, Kim’s boyfriend at the time and co-star in the video, or maybe it could be the woman who’s idea of “success” is landing your first Playboy cover. I’m just saying.
So, there you have it, Betches. Everything that you’ve ever loved about the Kardashian’s messy AF personal lives has actually been scripted by one Kris Jenner herself. Kris, if you’re reading this, you’re doing amazing sweetie!
Images: Giphy (3)
Celebrity scandals are what I live for. Okay, that is a slight exaggeration. But I love the thrill of knowing a new piece of gossip that lowers the level of perfection my fav celebrities have and makes them seem more human. 2017 was a pretty good year for celebrity scandals, but the celebrity scandals of 2018 did not disappoint. From feuds with the President to cheating scandals, 2018 was a dramatic AF year. Personally, I’m just glad it’s almost over. Then again, I said that about 2017, and 2018 turned out to be a way worse year. Well, whatever. I guess I have no way of knowing. Anyway, in no particular order, here were the biggest celebrity scandals of 2018.
1. Stormy Daniels Vs. Donald Trump
The year started off with a BANG. On January 12, the Wall Street Journal disclosed that Trump’s lawyer paid Stormy $130,000 of hush money a month before the 2016 elections. After this was publicized, it snowballed into a major scandal, as it always does when Trump is involved. In October, Stormy appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live and disclosed some juicy gossip. If you want to know what the President’s penis looks like, I highly recommend watching it (if you haven’t already), or you can read this article where we broke it down. Or—and this is what I recommend—you could do neither and live your life in a relative state of bliss, never knowing the details of our president’s penis.
2. Tristan Thompson Cheatin
In April, a day before Khloé Kardashian gave birth to their daughter True, TMZ released videos of Tristan cheating on Koko. There had been rumors in the past of Tristan cheating, but it takes a real a**hole to cheat on his girlfriend WHILE SHE IS IN LABOR. While the couple has stayed rather hush-hush about the major scandal, Kim Kardashian (thank god) couldn’t keep her opinions to herself. She said, “I hate him. Sorry not sorry.” You bet I’m watching this season of KUWTK to see all the drama unfold.
3. Allison Mack Sex Trafficking Scandal
WTF. Former Smallville actress Allison Mack was charged with sex trafficking, sex trafficking conspiracy, and forced labor conspiracy for her involvement with the organization NXIVM. Women were recruited to join the alleged sex cult that was branded as “a female mentorship group that addressed their weaknesses.” Well, that’s one way to put it. She is currently out on a $5 million bond and under house arrest in her parents’ California home. And my parents wouldn’t even let me come home if I got a public urination ticket.
4. The Markle Family Drama
Every family has their fair share of drama when it comes time for a wedding. But Meghan and Harry’s wedding had a unique set of dramatic events. First, Meghan’s half-sister, Samantha Markle, started commenting on multiple “mistakes” she believes Meghan has been making. Rightfully so, Meghan decided the only family members to be invited to her wedding would be her father and mother. But wait, there’s more (obvs). After news broke that Meghan’s father staged photos for the paparazzi to take of him and earned some money, he decided he would not be attending the wedding “because he was getting heart surgery that same day”. I guess becoming a princess really isn’t as glamorous as I thought.
5. Kylie Jenner’s Secret Pregnancy
This list wouldn’t be complete without the most ULTIMATE secret celebrity pregnancy of all time. Although rumors started circulating in September 2017, Kylie’s pregnancy was not *officially* revealed until the birth of her daughter, Stormi, in February through an incredible video. But that didn’t stop fans from coming up with the most absurd theories for her pregnancy, including that she was Kim’s surrogate or her baby daddy was actually her bodyguard. Nonetheless, this was one of the biggest celebrity scandals of the year.
6. Nicki Minaj and Cardi B… Still
The drama between Cardi B and Nicki Minaj has been brewing since early 2017, but the real tea spilled at the Harper’s Bazaar ICONS party on September 7, 2018. A physical fight broke out at New York Fashion Week, where Cardi threw her heel at Nicki, but ended up with a bruise on her own face. Like, LMK how that happens. The feud is never-ending. It even led Cardi to post some nasty words about Nicki on Instagram. The timeline of their fight is too exhausting to even think about so read all the details here.
7. Roseanne, The Racist
Twitter tends to be the source of many large scandals these days, and TBH, I’m not mad about it. But the glory of the internet is that even though something may be deleted, we can always find it. On May 28th, Roseanne took to Twitter to address Valerie Jarett, Barack Obama’s adviser, and wrote “Muslim brotherhood & planet of the apes had a baby = vj.” ABC worked fast and canceled her show revival immediately and released a statement explaining that her views do not align with theirs. She then got dropped by her talent agent and Roseanne reruns were no longer showed on Viacom channels. What did Roseanne have to say about this? She blames the tweets on the Ambien she had taken. Which literally nobody believed, and even the creators of Ambien clarified is not a real side effect.
People of all races, religions and nationalities work at Sanofi every day to improve the lives of people around the world. While all pharmaceutical treatments have side effects, racism is not a known side effect of any Sanofi medication.
— Sanofi US (@SanofiUS) May 30, 2018
When you get burned by a pharmaceutical company, take every seat.
Images: Giphy (2); @iamcardib / Instagram ; SanofiUS / Twitter
For those of you who Keep Up on a regular basis, you know it’s a full-time f*cking job. Not only do you have to tune in on Sundays, but also every other day of the week. You need to deep dives into their social media so you can figure out WTF is happening. It’s exhausting but someone’s got to
be this committed to avoiding doing actual work do it. And nothing is more exhausting than trying to figure out if Khloé Kardashian and Tristan Thompson are still together.
Last spring, Tristan proved that men are unfit to live in society and should be caged at all times when he cheated on Khloé while she was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT by motorboating a bunch of randos he met at a club. As if little baby True didn’t have enough issues to bring up with her future therapist, now she can add “daddy issues” to the long list. Since then Khloé has been v v quiet about WTF is going on between her and Tristan despite the fact that I am heavily invested in their relationship and need answers immediately.
KHLOÉ: *chooses to keep very personal issues of her private life private*
Sources say the couple has been on “rocky terms” ever since the scandal broke but, like, what does that even mean? Like, how rocky is it? Is it like they’re in couples therapy but Tristan still sleeps on the couch kind of rocky? Or more like he’s allowed to breathe near baby True but only during supervised visits? WHAT IS THE TRUTH? And with the cheating episode airing on KUWTK this Sunday (!!!) it’s important that we have answers now more than ever. I’m not trying to get hurt again, ya know? Let’s take a look at the evidence, shall we?
1. Her Instagrams
Tristan has been suspiciously missing from Khloé’s IG for MONTHS now. If there’s a stronger indicator for a relationship falling apart than that, I don’t know it what is. Since the cheating scandal, her feed has been a constant stream of baby photos and thirst traps. I guess motherhood only changes you so much. Tristan did make a quick appearance in August when Khloé posted about her weekend getaway to Mexico but, like, at the very back of the photo reel and their bodies weren’t even touching. If there’s one thing I know about the Kardashians it’s how much they looove to flaunt their asses and significant others, so the fact that his face is buried so far back in her IG that even I have a hard time tracking it down means it’s not looking great for T.
2. The Bali Vacation
This year the Kardashians pregamed Halloween with a casual vacation to Bali. I do something similar except replace “vacation to Bali” with googling vacations I can’t afford, stuffing my face with discount candy to numb the pain, then saying “f*ck it” and incorporating Target’s last-season swimwear into a slutty costume so I can get some sort of use out of that purchase. Self-care is so important, isn’t it ladies?
So, the Kardashians pregamed in Bali and even let
the father of the year alcoholic and self-proclaimed sex addict Scott Disick come. You know who wasn’t invited? Tristan Thompson. Some might say this is because Tristan is training in Cleveland. I say it’s because Kris Jenner threatened to throw him overboard. Khloé also posted a super cute photo of her and True with the caption “blah blah blah Thankful for the memories baby True and I are creating” (I paraphrase). Does that now low-key feel like a dig at Tristan? She might as well have said “thankful for making memories with baby True AND NO ONE ELSE.” Khloé, I’m picking up what you’re putting down.
3. The Cleveland Move
Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence: Khloé has yet to move back to Cleveland. Apparently Khloé was supposed to join her baby daddy last month when he moved back to Cleveland for basketball season, but instead is living her best Calabasas life. According to sources she’s not making any moves rn and is “just going to sit back and assess the situation very closely” aka she’s making damn sure there’s no more late night motorboating going on before she moves her entire life to middle America.
That said, she did attend one of his games earlier this week. Some people are saying this is proof that their relationship is back on track, but I
have trust issues am not buying it. This feels less like a loving partner’s show of support and more like Khloé flew two thousand miles to make sure her man wasn’t eye-f*cking any cheerleaders. Just saying.
Finally, my investigation brings us to yesterday. Halloween. While her sisters were testing Instagram’s nudity policy one lingerie photoshoot at a time, Khloé was posting a sh*t ton of photos of baby True looking adorable AF. Once again, Tristan was suspiciously missing from every photo. But while he was absent from her feed, she showed up on his IG story with this painful looking photo:
Is it just me or does Khloé look f*cking miserable? Or at least like she’s exhausted from putting up with all his bullsh*t? GIRL, YOU AND ME BOTH. (I mean actually, this looks like one of the Wayans brothers disguised as Khloé Kardashian, but barring that theory, she looks like she’s screaming internally.)
So there you have it. The (not at all solid and based solely on rumors and Instagram captions) facts. THE DEFENSE RESTS. TBH I think Khloé and Tristan are still together, but only for True. Or so Khloé’s rabid followers (hi) don’t set fire to Tristan and everything he loves.
Images: Giphy (1); @khloekardashian /Instagram (1); @kimkardashinan /Instagram (1)
According to Cosmo, Tristan Thompson, of Yeah-I-Cheat-On-My-Pregnant-Girlfriend fame, has finally said something regarding his new role as a father in the Kardashian circus.
While chatting with the podcast Road Trippin (which I’ve literally never heard of), Tristan said that the birth of True has totally changed him. Yawn.
“Baby True is eating, sleeping, and shitting. That’s all they do. I think with a girl, you’re so much more emotionally like … With a boy, it’s just like ‘Hey man. You’ll be alright, man. Stop crying,’ But with True, it’s like, ‘True, it’s gonna be OK. You know, we’re right here. Daddy’s here to feed you. It’s me! Look, yeah!’ It’s way different, but it’s fun, though … It changes you.”
ALRIGHT, FIRST OF ALL—I just find it so funny how watching the woman you supposedly love go through pregnancy did nothing to change you, but now having a screaming child has. Additionally, Tristan confirmed he wants MORE children, which, wow, what a great idea considering a) you’ve barely proven yourself with this one and b) I guess we never discovered who you’d be having more children with. I worry that mean will leave a trail of baby mamas that he cheats on when they’re nine months pregnant with his next baby mama in his wake. It won’t be pretty, but in a way, the repetition of the pattern may bring comfort to some.
Anybody else also find it weird that he didn’t mention Khloé even once in that snippet? “Daddy is here to feed you.” Yah, well, pretty sure mommy is, too.
On top of this steaming pile of BS declaration of a truly changed man, Khloé has thrown her hat into all this and declared she’s fallen in love with Tristan all over again. YIKES. According to an E! News report (should I put report in quotes … cause… lol), Khloe says she can’t imagine being a single mom and “giving up her dream life with Tristan.” REALLY? WHAT PLANET DO THESE PEOPLE LIVE ON? So I guess the dream life is popping out a kid while knowing that the father of said kid is out gallivanting with numerous women and doing all the cool shit outlined in 50 cent’s classic song “In Da Club.” Sounds amazing, lemme get in on that. Apparently, once she decided to take him back, Tristan has been proving himself to show how changed he is.
Let’s take bets on how long this whole thing lasts—while Tristan has proven to be a triflin’ ass ho, Khloé’s decision-making skills seem a little off. I’m betting that by January 2020, this shit has run its course. You heard it here first.
Images: Giphy (3)
It’s been a few weeks since the news of Tristan Thompson cheating on Khloé Kardashian broke, and I’ve thought about it a lot. Mostly I’ve hoped that Khloé locked him in a dungeon and was only letting him out for basketball games, but Khloé and Tristan were spotted together over the weekend, which means everything in this world is still wrong. Khloé, honey, I know you love him or whatever, but this man is a grade-A asshole! Why are you not on the first private jet back to Calabasas?? Everything about the saga of Khloé and Tristan is depressing, but let’s go over the newest developments.
Last week, there were reports from some lovely anonymous sources that Khloé is “leaning on Kourtney” to get through this tough time. KoKo responded in a cryptic/joking way, but it was the first time she had actually broken her silence. Now, she’s not saying anything, but she’s making it pretty clear that she’s still with Tristan. On Friday, Khloé and Tristan were spotted together at a restaurant in Cleveland. In a grainy paparazzi photo that was clearly taken from 300 feet away with a fucking telescope, Khloé wears giant sunglasses while looking like she just ate an entire lemon, and Tristan just stares at his phone. WHY YOU STILL TEXTIN’ BITCHES, TRISTAN?
They were at a restaurant called TownHall that has a Paleo Night every Wednesday, so at least we know Khloé is still in charge of picking where they go to eat. Is it technically a revenge body if you’re still dating the man you need revenge on? I can’t decide. Also, whose arm is that across the table from Tristan and Khloé?? Is it a body guard to make sure Khloé doesn’t poison Tristan’s food? I need answers. Unfortunately, we didn’t get any more information about Khloé and Tristan from their awkward-looking dinner, but then Khloé made another appearance at the Cleveland Cavaliers game on Saturday night. I have mixed feelings about this.
So I understand that basketball is, like, really important to Tristan, and he’s in the middle of the playoffs right now. It’s nice of Khloé to go and support him, but also what the fuck has he done to earn her support at this time? Also, the entire cheating incident went down when he was traveling for a basketball game! Khloé should fucking hate basketball at this point! Maybe she’s really just at the game to keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t get too friendly with any of the cheerleaders. From the pictures, I can’t tell how big of a purse she was carrying, but it must have been big enough to fit Tristan’s balls inside.
So it seems like Khloé and Tristan are pretty committed to making it work at the moment, and I guess I can’t really blame them. Khloé has wanted a baby for a long time, and it’s obviously a huge life decision to break up with the father of your child. That being said, get your shit together Khloé. This man is a proven douchebag, and if there’s anyone who has the resources to make it work as a single mom, it’s Khloé fucking Kardashian. You know Kris Jenner is basically doing nothing and would love nothing more than to raise another child.
Images: @enews / Instagram; Giphy