Hello, friends. Today is day seven of my isolation. I have watched the entirety of the new series The Stranger on Netflix. I have finished two novels and begun a seven-book YA fantasy series. I cannot remember my last shower or my last vegetable. This is life in quarantine. Sorry, I usually only get this dramatic in my nightly diary entry, but we are in strange times. I’m sure many of you are experiencing the same thing as me, except with slightly more fresh air and slightly less pizza (I totally believe you!). But you know who apparently hasn’t heard about this global pandemic that the rest of us are doing our best to slow down? Celebrities! Of course, there are the celebrities that are trying to help, and the celebrities that are embarrassing themselves on social media, but there are also the ones that apparently haven’t heard that we need to be responsible citizens and practice social distancing, self-isolation, and quarantine. Shall we take a look at the celebrities whom history books will deem responsible for the spread of coronavirus?
Hannah Brown and Tyler Cameron
Look, guys. I know the pheromones you’re emitting right now are like, really strong, but so is the coronavirus, so I had really hoped that for the sake of humanity you would have been able to keep it in your pants. But alas, once again, I expected too much out of people that signed up for a reality dating show just so that they’d never have to work a real job again.
A few days ago, Tyler picked Hannah up at the airport and on Tuesday (Tuesday!!!!!) they were out on the beach with a group of friends, playing volleyball, and definitely getting closer than the recommended six feet. I hope your date was so cute guys, back here in the tristate area we’d love to be doing that too if only we weren’t busy dying! And, it gets worse. They finally decided to go inside, but it’s not just the two of them. Hannah joined TikTok and posted this video of her “quarantine crew” at the pool, which includes EIGHT PEOPLE, clearly not social distancing or keeping their gathering small to the tune of “Savage.” Savage indeed, Hannah and Tyler. SAVAGE INDEED.
Last week, the NBA suspended their season due to coronavirus. Have you ever seen that in your lifetime? I certainly haven’t, and I talk about how old I am more often than Jessica from Love is Blind. So, naturally, maybe you wouldn’t want to hang out with someone whose job had been unprecedentedly shut down due to the invasion of a global pandemic. Not the case for Drake! He decided to hang out with Kevin Durant at the Nice Guy in West Hollywood. I guess even when people are dying, there’s champagne to be drunk and women to be hit on! Someone’s gotta do it! (They don’t.) Thankfully, once Durant tested positive, Drake decided to do the right thing and self-isolate. But don’t feel bad for the King of Toronto, because while you’re rolling around on a yoga mat on your dirty floor trying to follow an online Barre Method class (hypothetically!), Drake is working out on his home basketball court. Can I quarantine there?
This past Saturday, the day my city ordered all restaurants, bars, daycares, and gyms closed and I ran to the grocery store in a panic, Scheana invited all her friends to party in Palm Springs. Here’s the exact quote: “Any of my friends working from home this week should come join me for a Palm Springs quarantine!” the 34-year-old reality TV personality tweeted on Saturday, March 14. “I will continue to live my life in Palm Springs or MDR w my friends and not live it in complete isolation or fear. Simple as that. Call me ‘ignorant’ but I’m not gonna stop living!” Okay Scheana, you’re ignorant. What? You told me to! This whole season of VPR Scheana has been talking about freezing her eggs, but now I’m wondering if she should be allowed to procreate?
I will continue to live my life in Palm Springs or MDR w my friends and not live it in complete isolation or fear. Simple as that. Call me “ignorant” but I’m not gonna stop living!
— 🏳️🌈Scheana (@scheana) March 14, 2020
Naturally, people jumped on Scheana’s tweet, basically calling her an idiot, which she kind of is, sorry. Her excuse? She just came back from a work trip, doesn’t watch the news (!!!) and wasn’t fully up to date on coronavirus. Scheana, let me tell you what the cop told me when he pulled me over for going 52 in a 25: ignorance is not an excuse! Reread your manual!
And finally, we arrive at someone so out of touch, he didn’t even know that we were in the middle of a global medical crisis. That’s right, Jared Leto claims he was on a “silent meditation” with no access to his phone for the past 12 days. First of all, ew. Second of all, were you really, Jared?? Because, as someone pointed out in the comments, he still managed to post pictures of himself in Gucci T-shirts during that time. And sure, his team could have posted for him, but did a celebrity really go on a trip where there was no possible way to get in touch with him? What if they decided they wanted him to play the Joker again?!! Although, if you told me that Jared thought he could communicate with his team members by cutting off a lock of his hair, sprinkling it over a fire that he built himself, spinning around three times and singing exactly one half of the song “Kumbaya”, I would believe that. So maybe he really did go into the desert without a phone. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed possibly spreading coronavirus on your rich people trip, Jared!
On Tuesday, after millions of us were already locked inside, The Hobbit and Avengers star Evangeline Lilly was totally unbothered. She posted that she had just dropped her kids off at gymnastics camp—but don’t worry, they washed their hands first! She said that she values “freedom over life,” which sounds like something she wouldn’t be saying if she knew someone dying because of a ventilator shortage. Obviously, freedom is important, but right now we have the freedom to make good choices, and we should all be exercising it!
And those are some of the celebrities that decided they didn’t need to help us flatten the curve. I hope they all enjoyed their time coughing on each other, while the rest of us just try and remember our work laptop password. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a conference call from my bed. Stay safe, friends!
Images: Kathy Hutchins/Shutterstock; enews, champagnepapi, jaredleto/Instagram; Scheana/Twitter
Unless you’ve been living under a pop culture-less rock for the past three weeks, you’ve been watching The Bachelorette and you know by now that Rachel Lindsay is hands-down the betchiest Bachelorette of all time. Sorry, Jojo and Kaitlyn. You’ve officially been voted off the betchy Bachelorette island. Rachel tells fuckboys to GTFO, she’s hot af, and she actually managed to pull some cool celebs to make appearances instead of the usual forced Jimmy Kimmel date. A little confused why she’s keeping the tickle monster around, but like, we’re giving her the benefit of the doubt/blaming the producers for that shit. And like all true betches, Rach (can I call you Rach?) has cool, successful exes from her past and not just like the prom king, but basketball star Kevin Durant.
If you’re like me, you’re probs sitting there thinking who tf is that? Isn’t he that short loud comedian in those Ride Along movies? And the answer is no. That’s Kevin Hart. After some Googling, I found that Kevin Durant is a really really ridiculously good basketball player. Like, about to beat Lebron (who I’ve heard of, thank you very much) in the NBA finals good. He and Rach dated in college until she dumped him for law school. So like, she’s Warner and he’s Elle Woods in this scenario. YASSS queen.
If this teaches you anything, it’s this: don’t let no man stand in your way of becoming a lawyer only to toss it away for a life of reality TV stardom and hair vitamin gummy Instagram ads. Apparently, they were pretty serious too, until ya know, they weren’t. Sucks. But now, when your bf forces you to watch basketball, you can at least tie it back to reality TV and make it semi-interesting. You’re welcome in advance.