Okay, my industrious readers. Following last week’s recap of Vanderpump Rules, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to investigate the Jax and Brittany engagement rumors floating around. If the fact that Jax and Brittany are back together is news to you, sorry, but I am not at all sorry for “spoilers” here. Even my boyfriend knows that breakup didn’t stick, and this is four months after I’ve declared Monday nights unequivocal “me time.” (Dating me is 90% watching me scroll through Instagram. Sue me.) Anyway, here’s the latest in Jax and Brittany news following Monday’s Reiki-fueled breakup.
Back in March, Brittany decided to stir up some shit was spotted wearing a maybe-engagement ring at Media Temple SXSW Interactive Bash (pic here). When asked about it, Jax and Brittany responded in a totally normal, not-hiding-anything way, and promptly resolved all questions. LOL JK this is Jax Taylor, messiest bitch of all time, and we are lucky we’ve only had one fake pregnancy scare this season. No, Jax responds by putting “his hand in front of Brittany’s mouth” and shushing her, which is triggering enough on its own. Brittany says some normal things like that they’re “not yet,” and how she “just ” that ring. Jax continues to act like he’s been accused of murder and say cryptic shit like “I’m not going to say anything else right now.”
Brittany’s ring pictured here:
Have I convinced you of Jax’s unquenchable thirst for drama? Not quite? Cool, there’s more. Two months before any of this shit went down, Jax was already Instagrammed around LA wearing a wedding ring of his own. To hear Brittany tell it on Watch What Happens Live, she played no part in that decision. Here’s the direct quote:
“He’s even wearing like a wedding ring around. I don’t know if anybody has noticed that, but I’m like ‘Whatever. If you want to wear that, that’s fine. I’m not gonna tell you to take it off.”
Jax’s “wedding ring,” courtesy of Sandoval’s Instagram and screenshotting heroes everywhere:
First of all, “I don’t know if anybody has noticed that,” may be the least genuine thing Brittany’s ever said. Second of all, completely vintage Jax to just throw on a ring without any of the work involved in marriage. I know this is completely contrary to traditional engagement rumor-sniffing practices, but come on people! It’s just a ring. It comes off. And Jax’s “ring” looks like he bought it in a hardware store. I remain skeptical.
The other piece of news that’s sparked gossip is the couple’s recent trip to Kentucky. Last November, Brittany told Life & Style that she wants to get married at a “castle in Kentucky.” Lo and behold, just this week Jax is posting to Instagram pictures of him and Brittany at The Kentucky Castle. So, are they scouting wedding locations? Messing with our heads on purpose?
Hard to say. Brittany said in the same interview that she wants a winter wedding. So, maybe we really are headed for another wedding season. Sigh.
Sidenote: I want to launch into further tirades about how Brittany’s being manipulated—truly I do—but I’ve learned through my research that Jax’s father passed away and I honestly feel terrible for him. (Brittany, as expected, stayed by his side and is helping him piece his life back together. IDK if this storyline makes it to season 6, but I am gonna be bawling my eyes out if it does.)
I mean I can’t believe I go to bed with this every night, I don’t think I could be any luckier than I am now. Not only is she a goddess but she is the most amazing woman in the world.. I love her with everything in my heart. How she has taken over since the passing of my father is incredible. I didn’t think I was gonna make it and I still don’t at times but she has been by my side and hasn’t left.. I love you Britt. You are my angel and can’t imagine my life with out you. (Any negative comments you will be blocked)
What Does It All Mean?
Do I think this couple is really getting married? I mean, about as much as I did before these ring/castle photos TBH. Jax is notoriously allergic to commitment (not that that would necessarily change post-marriage, but I’m gonna hop off that topic before the darkness starts closing back in), but he’s also not getting any younger and Brittany has been with him through a LOT. I could see him feeling like his playboy days are finally behind him and wanting to settle down,
if only for the free wedding courtesy of Bravo and so his friends will get off his back about it.
As for Brittany, she’s always wanted a family, so if we’re being real, the question has only ever been when Jax would be ready. And while I don’t think that silver band was the most legit engagement sign I’ve ever seen, it almost seems like a test Reiki Kelsey could have given him to become harmonious with the object environment of marriage or whatever. The point is, it’s not a clear sign, but it’s not a bad sign either. Fellow VPR detectives, please comment below if you have further insight!
Looking for a good mint jubilee recipe that doesn’t taste like straight up dick aka whisky. I want to look classy look the part you know when you think of mint you think it would taste like a mojito but is actually a mint jubilee?? Please help a sista out by Saturday so I can still be classy hosting and toasting a Derb party. Also maybe an article on what not to wear, caption so you don’t look basic..(talk derby to me Insta caption once more…)
I am looking for a mint julep recipe, but I do not know that’s what it is called. I would prefer it taste good, and not like a penis, which is what I think whiskey tastes like. Please help me, your fellow woman, to acquire such a recipe in time for my Kentucky Derby party this Saturday. Please also tell me what to wear, and what to post on social media so that people think I am cute, funny, and know the correct names for drinks. I do not have Google.
Dear Lizzie P,
You’re lucky we’re feeling so generous today and kudos to you for celebrating the whitest, richest sporting event there is. To reward you, your mint julep (what the fuck is a mint jubilee? Get your shit together) recipe is below. As far as it tasting like whiskey—well, it’s a fucking whiskey cocktail, so aside from watering it down with ice and mint there’s not a whole lot you can do. Suck it up. Also, I assume you may actually be from Kentucky based on your poor sentence structure. Good luck with that by Saturday. We’ve also listed out a few things to wear so you like, fit in.
Mint Julep Ingredients
· Handful of fresh mint
· 1 tsp. sugar (I guess more if you’re trying to drown out the whiskey)
· 3-4 oz. bourbon
Grab your pre-chilled old-fashioned glass or pewter cup and place 7-8 mint leaves in the bottom. Add the sugar over top, then start crushing with a muddler. Don’t go too crazy—just enough to really bruise the mint and smash some of the sugar.
Pack some finely cracked ice over top, then pour the bourbon over the top. Stir quickly until the whole glass gets super cold and frosts. Add a little mint on top and bam, mint julep.
What To Wear
Giant cute sunhats or classy fascinators: Go for something Kate Middleton wouldn’t be embarrassed of.
Classy sundresses: Banana Republic, Lily Pulitzer, Club Monaco, J.Crew, etc. all have some basic AND awesome shit, so choose wisely. Vineyard Vines is the official style of the Kentucky Derby. Check out their line here.
Banana Republic bow-neck dress
Strappy, cutesy heels: The key is being graceful—try these J. Crew satin sandals with ankle wraps which go with literally everything.
J.Crew satin sandals with ankle wraps
An outfit in which hat and dress work together: If one is loud and colorful, the other should be subdued, fucking duh.
Feathers: They’re allowed on cute hats.
What Not To Wear
Think of me as your personal Clinton Kelly, except I’m obviously not giving away a $5,000 Visa giftcard.
Denim anything: It’s social suicide.
Fugly wedges, gladiator heels, or sneakers: Just no.
Sequins: They’re unacceptable on anything for this event.
Shorts or a T-shirt in ANY fashion: The derby is a classy fucking event. Leave your garbage clothes at home.
Anything with a logo that isn’t associated with rich people: You know what we mean.
What To Put For Your Captions
Download Capgenius. You’re welcome.
Vanderpump Rules fans, the rumors we’ve been hearing for months have been confirmed: Jax and Brittany are getting their own spin-off show on Bravo (obviously). It will be called Vanderpump Rules: Jax & Brittany Take Kentucky, and just by the name alone we know a lot of things. Namely, we know Bravo producers have zero imagination when it comes to naming shows—which should have been evident by Summer House and Sweet Home Oklahoma (seriously, you’re not even in the right state), but I guess I was naive.
As the name implies, the show will be like The Simple Life mixed with that episode on The Bachelor where the girls had a group date shoveling cow poop. Bravo’s The Daily Dish said Jax “rocks overalls, a cowboy hat, and cowboy boots while doing chores. Yes, chores.” Okay, Bravo. Calm down. But yeah, I’ll watch Jax attempt to milk a cow or whatever tf it is they do in Kentucky. Seriously, can someone tell me? I honestly don’t have a clue. Will he like, pluck and fry some chickens? Or is that Colonel Sanders’ job?
Either way, I’m hoping we see a whole lot of this:
Obviously, the entire show won’t just be Jax complaining about doing chores—we’ll also get a lot of Brittany’s family (and hopefully her mom’s silver lipstick). But the ~pressure~ starts mounting when Brittany’s family starts asking about marriage. The Daily Dish writes,“‘When are you getting married, son?’ one of Brittany’s relatives asks the bartender.” Ooh, how scandalous! I couldn’t imagine that would happen, considering it’s not like Brittany’s been asking Jax the same thing this entire season of VPR. Later, Jax supposedly tells Brittany’s mom, “I want to get married and I want to get married soon.” In other words, “I’m pushing 40 and I can’t pretend to bartend forever and since I’m not a man slut for the time being I’ve got to get screen time in other ways.”
Also according to Bravo, “tensions start to rise…” “Brittany starts crying…” “the entire trip falls apart…” the same typical bullshit and melodrama we’re all expecting.
But the real issue that nobody’s talking about is: Is Vanderpump Rules over? I feel like it might be, as much as it pains me to put these thoughts into writing. For one, Katie and Tom are married and therefore lame. Stassi has taken a backseat on the Manipulation Express and is even like, crying that people (Ariana) don’t like her? Tom and Ariana are happily in love, Jax
stopped slutting around has his own show, Lala is gone, and even KRISTEN is acting fucking sane now. Have our favorite band of psychopaths grown up? Is this the end? Please god, say it isn’t so.
I’m not trying to
cause anyone’s world to come crashing down be negative, but I can see the writing on the wall. First, everyone slowly moves on, even while they tell you to your face that nothing is changing, then before you even know what happened—BOOM, you’re left with nothing. This is exactly how my parents’ divorce went down. JK they’re still happily married, but the point stands. I hate to say it, but I think this is the beginning of the end.
Now if you need me I’ll be in my Vanderpump Rules shrine, burning a candle made of Jax’s ear wax and Stassi’s hairs and furiously chanting “I’m the white fucking Kanye West,” doing all I can to keep this show alive.