Diggy here from season 13 of The Bachelorette and season 4 of Bachelor in Paradise. Betches thought my Twitter commentary on all things Bachelor was fire, so they gave me room for more than 280 characters.
I’m going to try to do my part to recap what was a somewhat anti-climactic Episodes 2 & 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. If you don’t like spoilers, please read anyway, as we need as many eyes on this as possible.
Episode 2 kicks off with Colton returning from his date with Tia, and he’s immediately cornered by Goose (Chris) and the rest of the Rat pack (which consists of Jordan and Nick), and they demand to know what his intentions are here in Paradise. From afar, it looks like they’re filming a fight scene from a late 90’s musical where no one gets touched and they only snap fingers, but they do get down to business eventually. Colton hints at still being in love with Becca, which Chris responds with: “Then why are you here??” In less than a few words Colton pretty much says: “I’ll be damned if I miss out on these airline miles.” Plus, Tia’s here.
The next morning, the smartest guy on the beach, Venmo John, “finds” a date card, and Kenny is now the lucky person that gets to get off the island. With his newfound popularity, Kenny talks to Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, and Krystal, and he decides to take the newly hobbled Krystal on the date (she somehow managed to hurt her foot on a rock on the beach, which I can personally attest is 99% sand). Kenny’s date is a wrestling date (if you didn’t see that coming, LASIK is for you) where he and Krystal get to enjoy a real life Nacho Libre, minus the tortilla chips. A few kisses happen, but mostly just perspiration from Kenny.
Back on the beach, Jordan makes “dinner plans” for Annaliese. Notably missing from said dinner: plates, utensils, and food. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts…but she’s still hungry. Kevin, who was trying to start something with Krystal, starts looking at Astrid like he wants to crawl all over her, but it’s actually a lizard that beats him to the punch instead. He takes her to beach and their lips lock and he throws away the key. BUH BYE, KRYSTAL.
Pause here, because, YUKI’S BACK!!! She was a star on Winter Games for her personality and lack of English. That 2 week stint in our hearts has now qualified her to pour shots (which she has never done) in another country, which just proves to us that she’s just trying to fill up her passport.
Cocktail Party time, meaning two guys are going home. Awkward convos happen, Hail Mary’s are thrown, but ultimately it’s the Tia and Colton show… again. Tia grabs Colton to chat, and she pretty much tells him that everyone is saying Colton is an immature 6th grader (which for the record, is not true, he’s a lot older than that). Colton tells her that he wants to see what’s out there, and that she should do what makes him happy, because then she’d be happy. Well, whatever the hell that means. Chris then picks up the pieces by spitting hot fire and saying he’s here for Tia and nothing else (remember I said this).
Rose ceremony shakes out as such: Krystal to Kenny, Astrid to Kevin, Tia to Chris, Kendall to Joe, Nysha to Eric, and Angela to John. At this point, we just knew Colton was going home, but Bibiana (*cough cough* producers) decide to give Colton a rose so he can “have the chance to find love.” Those keeping score at home, yes we lost fly-ass Wills and Nick just so we can have more of the Tia/Colton saga.
If you thought you were going to have a full week without our most recent Bachelorette, Becca, you were wrong. In the beginning of episode 3, she shows up the next day, like that trust fund friend with nothing better to do. Becca talks to Tia, and by doing so, haunts Colton in the process.I’m not sure if the producers hate Colton or not, but god is he easy to make fun of. Colton starts crying on a rock smaller than him, and Becca essentially consoles him back to health. Boom, now he has closure, and can be the savage Colton that America has come to know and love.
In what we have to imagine is AMAZING editing, Annaliese continually states how much she’s into Jordan, and then boom—Jenna walks in and leaves Jordan as speechless as we’ve ever seen him. (It must be noted: Her outfit is pink, in addition to her hair, which makes me hope she sticks around so I can see if her hair will always match her outfits.) Jenna takes Jordan on the date, and this dude is GIDDY. They ride horses and make out on the beach (and everywhere else). Also present on this date: a black box that covers Jenna’s butt the entire time. Essentially this date was just taking turns breathing for each other. Jordan comes back to the beach and pretty much tells Annaliese “good luck” and gives her two fingers. David tries to ruffle a few feathers by celebrating Jenna’s birthday with her alone, and Jordan sits there like a chaperone, ensuring that there is no physical contact.
Caroline (Arie’s season) shows up super nervous and literally is speaking a mile a minute. (Someone KISS her already so she can stop talking, PLEASE.) She takes John on the date, who is polar opposite of her normal type of guy. This date REEKED of a friendship, but somehow Caroline is into it. They drink, they dance, a kiss happens, Paradise wins again. Jubilee shows up the next morning, asks John on a date (literally asking him while he’s snuggling with Caroline…SAVAGE) and he says yes. Ziplining and nerdy convo, once again, this date is heading to the platonic section.
Kenny decides to make a night beach date for Krystal, but Krystal pretty much tells him to check your brakes, and then pump them. He pretty much got friend zoned when males have the power…BALLSY move, Krystal. Fast forward to 5 minutes later when she’s making out with Chris (yes, Tia’s Chris) on the daybed. Colton finds out, and runs faster than he did as a football player to tell Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. While chatting to Jordan about how he has everything in the bag, Tia confronts Chris in a fashion that has me ANXIOUS for next week!
Images: Giphy (2)
decided to ruin my life announced who the next Bachelor is and he is a total rando. That’s right people, the new Bachelor is a complete stranger to me, Arie fucking Luyendyk Jr., a man who was on The Bachelorette FIVE YEARS AGO and who also looks about as fresh as the 40-year-old on Tinder I accidentally swiped right on. Because that’s clearly what America asked for: an accidental Tinder swipe. First of all, ABC, how dare you. The last time Arie was relevant to this franchise, I was drinking Four Lokos that still had caffeine in them. THAT’S THE LAST TIME. So don’t you dare try to tell me differently. To put things even more in perspective for you, Emily (the Bachelorette that year) has met and married someone who was not on the show and birthed not one, but TWO of his children since the time she dated Arie. Which brings me to my second point, ABC, why would you do this? There are so many other Instagram influencers good guys out there to choose from, and yet you decided to go back into the catacombs of this franchise to find the next Bachelor? Really? That’s what you’re trying to sell me rn? Nope. I’m not here for it. I won’t stand for it and I refuse to watch will definitely still watch next season. But Mike Fleiss? Welcome to your tape. Because ABC refuses to take my happiness into account, no matter how many savage tweets I tag them in, I guess I’ll have to take it upon myself to point out who would make better a Bachelor candidate than Arie fucking Luyendyk.
8. Hot Asian Whose Name I Can’t Remember
Okay, I’m sure he has a name, but I’m really
coming up short in my internet stalking drawing a blank here. While I don’t remember his name, I do 100 percent remember that he was an ex-Marine and the most beautiful human to ever grace my television screen after three glasses of wine. Hot Asian was on Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette, but was sent home way before his time, on the first damn night. Like, Whaboom lasted longer than this guy. WHABOOM. The man was an American hero, but got bested by a guy who has his own catchphrase. Whatever. Hot Asian, I’ll pour one out for you and ABC’s missed opportunity to make you a star.
7. Deanie Babies
Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean, Dean. Where do I even begin with you? Let’s start with the fact that you have the emotional maturity of someone who makes fart noises with his elbow. I should have known you’d turn out this way when Rachel started asking you hard-hitting questions like “tell me about yourself?” and the only response you could come up with was:
Jesus Christ. I’ve been so blind. You also broke
my Kristina’s heart in Mexico, because you’d rather fuck a Tickle Me Elmo doll Danielle L than actually embrace your emotions, but I’d STILL rather see you as the Bachelor over Arie. If anything, watching Dean act like a fuckboy with 25 of America’s most eligible dental hygienists would be a good exercise in controlling my rage blackouts. I’m sensing we both might have gotten some personal growth out of that.
6. Robby’s Errant Hair
The real breakout star of Bachelor in Paradise this season was Robby’s errant hair. Something tells me this little hair has stories to tell, and honestly I’d rather watch three months of Robby trying to
find love tame this fucking hair than Arie as the new Bachelor.
5. Luke Pell
Luke was fucking robbed last year by the bane of my existence, Nick Viall, because Luke didn’t have as much blackmail on ABC as Nick did. Luke had the full Bachelor package: he was hot, could say, “Texas Forever,” and mean it, and he served in the armed forces. I’ll even excuse the fact that he looks like he was manufactured in a Mattel factory, because he was sensitive AF and when he cried, I cried. But I guess none of that matters when you’re competing against someone with a lisp. Sighs. Since his time on JoJo’s season, Luke has been sleeping with literally every woman who has ever been on The Bachelor, so, like, he probably has some
STDs baggage there, but I still think he’d still make for a good fucking season.
^^Honestly ladies, he’s still single
I’m not gonna lie; I didn’t love Chase on JoJo’s season. He was hot AF, don’t get me wrong, like 10/10 would still slide into his DMs, but he had this look in his eyes that said “I’m dead inside.” It was like looking into the mirror and watching someone try and emotionally connect with Wednesday Addams. But let’s never forget the moment JoJo dumped his ass right before the fantasy suites. His mature reaction to the breakup was to grab a beer for the cab ride to the airport and mumble into the camera the most savage clapback: “Is this my fucking fantasy suite?” *slow claps* Honestly, if that doesn’t say
good TV America’s next Bachelor, then I don’t know what does.
I’ve been rooting for Wells since JoJo’s season, when ABC forced him to go on that group date that involved a strenuous amount of physical activity and they had to give him oxygen by the end of it. Honestly so relatable. But Wells has really come into his own this summer as the Gretchen Weiners of Paradise. Tbh I’d tune in every week just to hear him
talk shit recap his date with the women. If it’s anything like his Alexis impersonation, then I’m sold.
I would fucking LOVE to see Kenny as the Bachelor. Again, this guy was the full package: he was an attentive father, super sweet, and v attractive. Plus ABC forced him to spend way too much time in the presence of that racist piece of shit, Lee. Like, that alone should be enough for him to get his own season. ABC, you owe him. Well that, and the fact that he might be in need of a new career since he is credited as a professional wrestler but lost a mud wrestling match to some rando from Rachel’s season. Plus THINK of the spin-off potential. His daughter, who low-key looks old enough to have a college degree, could be the next Bachelorette. We could really turn this into a family affair, ya know.
1. Ben Z
Okay, why is nobody talking about what a catch Ben Z is? WHY? When ABC pulled him out of the archives for Paradise this summer, I’ll admit I was skeptical. I legit did not remember him from Kaitlyn’s season, and he looks a little too much like he enjoys going to the gym for my taste. But you could grill an egg on how hot that body of his is, and most importantly, HE HAS A DOG. We cannot let this beautiful specimen of a human grow old with just Fido by his side. Seriously, I’ve started Go Fund Me pages over less. He needs a lady in his life, and that lady should be me. Ben Z, call me.
BEN Z: *breathes*