Guys, serious question. Why the f*ck do the Kardashians keep having parties? Hot on the heels of Kim’s ill-advised 40th birthday trip, Kendall decided to host her own 25th birthday/Halloween party on Harriet’s Rooftop at Hotel 1 in West Hollywood. That’s right, friends, while you were dropping candy down a chute to a kindergartener wearing a hazmat suit, the Kardashians & Co. were getting their aerosols all up in each other’s tightly costumed business.
The guest list was reported to be around 100 people, with attendees including Jaden Smith, Justin Bieber, The Weeknd, Winnie Harlow, Doja Cat, and 95 other people that I assume I hate. Kendall dressed up as Pamela Anderson and posted her costume on Instagram:
View this post on Instagram
“don’t call me babe” happy halloween! GO VOTE!!! me as Pamela Anderson in Barb Wire 📸 by my angel @amberasaly
Look, I’m not going to deny she looks great. But can all these idiots who run around obviously flouting the rules and keeping us in this state of lockdown stop telling me to vote? I already did, and I don’t need your hypocritical ass telling me to do so. Thanks!!
Not only did Kendall throw a huge party, but she clearly knew it was wrong, telling her guests not to post on social media. Of all the rules people should be following right now, THAT’S the one she wanted to enforce at this party??! Also, Kendall, that’s a sweet idea, but you invited people who literally make their living posting on social media. You really think they’re not going to post? That’s like throwing a raw steak at a lion and asking it not to eat it. Even Kendall’s own sister posted the party all over her stories. Intentional sabotage or honest (drunken) mistake?
not Kendall Jenner hosting a Halloween party in the middle of the pandemic and making a "no social media" rule so people wouldn't know pic.twitter.com/ZfmvooNMkk
— ema | TAYLOR IS FREE (@repaotd) November 1, 2020
Lest you all think I am being dramatic (me? never!) and critical of Kendall for no reason, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt! I’m going to take a look at some of the CDC recommendations for gatherings and see how well they were followed at this party.
Currently, the CDC recommends that people wear masks when they are less than six feet away from other people.
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Kendall via @xxbridge Instagram Story 🔥 @kendalljenner #kendalljenner #kourtneykardashian #kourtneykardashian #bellahadid #kendalljennersnapchat #kendallstyle #kendall #kendalljennerfans #kenginews #follow4follow #kendalljennerrp #kendalljennerlook #kendalltattoos #gigihadid #kardashian #kourtneykardashian #khloekardashian #kimkardashian #krisjenner #kyliejennerlips #jenners #kardashian
Hmmm okay, so I guess that one’s a fail. Unless full body makeup counts?! I have a call out to Dr. Fauci, so if he calls me back and says this one is fine, I’ll update you!!
The CDC also suggests guests bring their own food, and limit the amount of people where food is being handled. Let’s see how they did on that one:
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Kendall celebrating her 25th birthday! 🎉🎃🔥 #happybirthday #kendalljennerhappybirthday #happybirthday25 @kendalljenner #kendalljenner #kourtneykardashian #kourtneykardashian #bellahadid #kendalljennersnapchat #kendallstyle #kendall #kendalljennerfans #kenginews #follow4follow #kendalljennerrp #kendalljennerlook #kendalltattoos #gigihadid #kardashian #kourtneykardashian #khloekardashian #kimkardashian #krisjenner #kyliejennerlips #jenners #kardashian
SHE BLEW OUT CANDLES!! That wasn’t even sanitary BEFORE people were dying from other people’s spit! I hope that coronavirus was at least buttercream.
And finally, they recommend that guests minimize gestures that promote close contact. For example, don’t shake hands, do elbow bumps, or give hugs. Instead wave and verbally greet them.
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Kendall vía @kyliejenner Instagram Story 🔥 @kendalljenner #kendalljenner #kourtneykardashian #kourtneykardashian #bellahadid #kendalljennersnapchat #kendallstyle #kendall #kendalljennerfans #kenginews #follow4follow #kendalljennerrp #kendalljennerlook #kendalltattoos #gigihadid #kardashian #kourtneykardashian #khloekardashian #kimkardashian #krisjenner #kyliejennerlips #jenners #kardashian
Does groping count? I really wish they had been more specific about butt contact. I can’t be the only one with this question.
ET reports that they rapid tested everyone at the door, and only people who tested negative were allowed to go up. That’s at least something, I guess, but who was doing this testing? A doctor? Or were they just hazing some low-tier Tik Tok star who was willing to demean themselves by sticking Q-tips up popstars’ noses for a precious invite? My money’s on that one.
Also, this testing is imperfect! A negative rapid test is not an all-access pass to straddle a dude dressed as the Nutty Professor. It’s just not.
And I’m not the only one who’s pissed. Naturally, the internet went crazy over this party.
Ok Kendall Jenner blowing out candles as a masked waiter holds her cake and tries to move out of the way was actually the scariest thing I saw on Halloween pic.twitter.com/o46ri7TJ9W
— Nicholindz Cage (@lolzlindz) November 1, 2020
CAN ALL THESE CELEBRITIES AKA KYLIE JENNER, KENDALL JENNER, JUSTIN BIEBER, NIKITA DRAGUN, JADEN SMITH TO NAME A FEW STOP BEING IGNORANT TOWARDS THIS VIRUS THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE DYING U DONT NEED A HALLOWEEN PARTY
— ❀bec⁷ (@sixthirtyagbs) November 1, 2020
kendall jenner throwing a party in the middle of a GLOBAL PANDEMIC is irresponsible beyond imagination. people are going homeless and losing their jobs. there are people dying in hospitals everyday because of this. instead of you staying home your putting more people at risk pic.twitter.com/GXhJRonHW1
— victoria ᴴ (@harrysgrovvy) November 2, 2020
I think the fact that anyone would call this a “super safe” party just shows what a truly skewed view of reality celebrities have right now (and always).
So now I have another question for you. Where are the consequences for the Kardashians? Morgan Wallen got dumped from SNL for partying without a mask, and the NFL has fined teams and coaches for not wearing masks. But it seems that things that stick to others never seem to stick to this family. I think there needs to be a larger conversation about why it’s time for us as a country to be done with the Kardashian/Jenners and their problematic behavior, but in the meantime I would like to see some sort of consequence for how they’ve acted throughout this whole global crisis. Kendall has yet to respond to backlash, but I’m not holding my breath for anything remotely apologetic.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; kendalljenner, kendalljenner_official__ (3)/Instagram; repaotd, lolzlindz, sixthirtyagbs,harrysgrovvy/Twitter
It’s Friday, which means another week has passed where I’m forced to write about America’s favorite attention whores: the Kardashians. And by “forced,” I mean I willingly and gleefully volunteered for the job. Obviously. Anyways, in a shocking turn of events, I am not writing to spread rumors confirm more Kardashian pregnancies, and thank fucking god for that. I really don’t think I could take another pregnancy “leak” right before my weekend starts. I was already planning to blackout at 5pm sharp, and I don’t need the added anxiety of finding out a person whom I’ve never met and have no personal connection to Kendall Jenner is pregnant. Nope. Can’t do it. I’m actually writing, because today is Kendall’s birthday! *Feels journalism degree slowly withering away and dying* Kendall, aka the skinny one with the personality of a stapler (I know, I paint a vivid picture, don’t I?), is 22 today. I could have sworn she was closer to 30? But maybe that’s because I’ve been Keeping Up with these hoes for longer than all of Kylie’s plastic surgery procedures combined, so yeah, Kendall feels fucking ancient to me. And since it’s Kendall’s birthday I figured we should celebrate the occasion the only way I know how: with a public shaming. My mother really raised a winner, didn’t she?
And what better place to begin than with her intelligence? So in honor of her bday, let’s talk shit about all the times we were smarter than Kendall Jenner, which was kind of a lot, tbh.
When She Chose Her Career
If you spend your valuable free time stalking these plagues upon humanity Keep Up at all, then you know Kendall has always been the timid, quiet one in the family. She has said multiple times how she, “hates the spotlight,” and, “loves eating,” and, “embracing her tomboy side,” which is why she chose International Super Model as her career path. Makes sense. It’s weird, because I’ve always said shit like how I, “hate workplace fluorescent lighting,” but, “love eating,” and, “embracing a life where I’m not homeless,” and felt a similar struggle when I declared myself a creative writing major. Celebrities, they’re just like us.
When She Said She Couldn’t Read Good
I’m not going to say that was verbatim what came out of her mouth as an explanation for fucking up an introduction at the Billboard Music Awards, but I’m also not not saying that. Her actual introduction of 5 Seconds of Summer went something like, “um, oneeee…?” Which is barely English, let alone an introduction for which I’m sure she was paid millions to present. *internally screams* This is Betsy DeVos’ America, people, right fucking here.
When She Didn’t Lock Down Harry Styles As Her BF Even Though She Literally Had 1 Million Chances To Do So
So clearly she’s a lesbian. Because I don’t see another valid explanation for why she would let Harry Styles go just like that. Okay, so this might be a stretch seeing as how it was never actually confirmed that the two of them were more than just fuck buddies friends “hanging out,” but she was at one point in her life very close to Harry Styles, and now she’s very close to always being the single sister on the Kardashian family vacations. All I’m saying is someone fucked up here and it’s not the beautiful, talented human she had in her clutches for two plus years. Just saying.
*whispers “she doesn’t fucking deserve you” under breath*
That Time She Compared Her Legacy To Dead Music Icons
Remember that one time Kendall and Kylie decided it would be a good idea to photoshop their faces and initials on top of pictures of dead musical icons like Biggie and Tupac and sell the offending result as a t-shirt for a casual $125 a shirt? And I totally almost bought one, because I’m trash? The girls claimed they were “deeply sorry” for their blatant attempt to make a profit off of cultural appropriation a t-shirt idea and that the designs “were not well thought out.” Uh, yeah. You can fucking say that again. I imagine a lot isn’t “thought out” in their lives, but then again, one of them is one of the highest paid supermodels in the world, and the other is slowly bleeding me dry one lip kit at a time, sooo who’s the real sucker here?
When She “Graduated” From High School
Any sort of academic degree hand-delivered by Ryan Seacrest as a strategic attempt to raise ratings is fake news if I’ve ever seen it. The man has gelled tips IN THE YEAR 2017. Nope. I don’t trust it. We’ve already established that the girl can barely tell the difference between the numerical values one and five, and you think she passed California’s high school state exams? I may believe literally every other bullshit rumor funneled to the media by Kris Jenner and her minions, but I ain’t buying this one. Even my degree in creative writing sounds less fake than this shit.
That Time She Thought She Found The Answer To World Peace
And, last but not least, we have the Pepsi can heard ‘round the world.’ Oh honey, baby, cookie, sweetie, what in the fuck were you thinking? I’m still not over the fact that she thought wearing a jean-on-jean ensemble and flaunting her white privilege a pepsi can during a riot as a show of breaking down race barriers and promoting world peace would go over well with, like, anyone. I mean, was Kendall the mastermind behind this campaign? That’s a hard no. I doubt that girl would know how to spell her own name without Kris Jenner whispering, “No, there’s two L’s,” in her ear. But, like, she did show up to set and for that we roast her, because any person with human eyes and who reads at a fourth grade reading level could tell what was up. Oh, Kendall. I’d say never change, but we both know you won’t.
Jesus fucking Christ. Well, at least you have an amazing thigh gap. Seriously, v jealous. Just keeping playing to your strengths, girlfriend!