There’s no better part of Halloween than getting the chance to judge everyone’s costume choices. Who’s going as a basic slutty cat and who will wildly offend everyone at the party? But of course, the most intriguing and expensive costumes come from celebs. So who better to judge than the Kardashians? Year after year, the Kardashians tend to go all out—especially Kim. At press time, Kim has not yet posted a picture of her Halloween costume, but we’re sure it’s going to be iconic. Some of her best past looks were Jasmine from Aladdin, a mermaid (but like, not in a basic way), and Poison Ivy, so we can’t wait to see what she’s going to do this year. But the other Kardashians posted their Halloween costumes, so we get to judge those. Who did it best? Here is our ranking of the Kardashian Halloween costumes.
1. Kylie And Stormi
Obviously, first place must go to the butterfly duo of Kylie and Stormi. If this isn’t mommy-daughter goals, IDK what is. Ky went full-out and DIYed had someone make her beautiful wings. Of course, her mini-me had to look just as ~fly~ with her own set of baby wings. In true Kylie fashion, the base of her outfit (a skin-tight bodysuit) is understated but still serving major MILF vibes. Points for attention to detail with Stormi’s hairclip, perfectly matching her attire and Kylie’s butterfly details on her shoes.
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2. Khloé And True
A very close second place goes to the Mama Koko and True! These two went for the matching bodysuit tiger look. Initially, we were disappointed by Khloé’s lack of creativity (a unicorn is basic, sorry), but she really one-upped herself. Khloé’s makeup is also fantastic and really makes her look like a
YouTuber sexy tiger. But can someone please tell her The Lion King is about lions, not tigers. So like the circle of life lift doesn’t totally apply…cute pic either way though.
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3. Khloé And True
In third place, below themselves, are Khloé and True in their unicorn outfits. Just when you thought True couldn’t get more adorable, she literally became a stuffed animal. Her cheeks might be the most perfect things I have her seen. I just want to pinch them! Wait, who am I? Anywho… Mama Koko kept it cute with her matching onesie, but still managed to glam it up with some jewelry and a matching manicure. Also, a special shout-out to Chicago for making an appearance in her own unicorn headband.
Back on the list in third place is Kylie for her solo Barbie look. Although the costume on its own wouldn’t be that impressive, Kylie went for it and added in the whole f*cking box. You also KNOW she didn’t wear that sh*t out, so that was totally for the Insta. That’s what Halloween looks like when you’ve got 900 million followers, I guess? Points also go to her for the slightly ironic caption, because truly, her life in plastic really is fantastic.
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Not gonna lie, Saint’s costume was kind of lame, but he’s too cute to be in the last place. According to Kim’s caption, Saint is supposed to be a pumpkin, but like, maybe a Yeezy baby pumpkin? I’m all here for the minimalist Halloween looks, but I feel like Saint is for sure capable of producing a more extravagant look. Perhaps there’s more to come…we’ll be waiting!
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Our bottom of the list is, unfortunately, Kendall for her basic AF Austin Powers sex-doll costume. Usually, this would be fine and totes creative, but it looks like she bought it from Dolls Kill and put literally no money effort into her look at all. Listen Kenny, when your job is basically to post Instas, at least give us something with a little more wow. But I mean, if you want to dress up as Kendall as a fembot, you can go buy it on sale.
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Images: kendalljenner, kimkardashian, kyliejenner (2), khloekardashian / Instagram
I’ll be the first to admit it—anyone still watching Bachelor in Paradise and expecting to see anything but the contestants at their absolute worst is a fool. And most of the time, I’m fine with that. But Leo talking to Kendall on last night’s episode absolutely made my blood boil. I never understood why Becca kept him around as long as she did. And I understood even less when I started seeing the DMs Bekah was getting about him. As if it weren’t enough that Leo’s presence is breaking poor Grocery Joe’s heart, Leo now decided to go off on Kendall in the most f*ckboy-ish way I’ve seen since Dean. Leo: you’re not pretty enough to pull that off, and even Dean barely got away with it. Here are all the things Leo said to Kendall that should make you run far, far away.
“You’re A Really Good Actress”
So (spoilers, kind of), let’s remind ourselves why they’re even having this fight. Kendall found out that Leo kissed Chelsea, and is understandably taken aback. Not even really because of the kiss—Leo’s right, to an extent, that everyone’s talking to everyone—but because he went out of his way to keep it a secret from only her. Doing that takes away any credibility that you’re actually looking for a relationship. Kendall would obviously see that on TV when it aired. So, keeping it a secret proved that Leo just wanted to get a rose, not pursue a future with her. Color me shocked.
Moving on to the actual comment here—this is a classic move from a guy who’s done something shady and doesn’t want to deal with the consequences. Kendall isn’t even outright pissed—she literally just questions him about it. But he immediately turns it around as though she has something to prove in this conversation instead of him. He acts like she could never have liked him at all if she’s doubting him now, and tries to force her into the position of fighting for his affection. It’s a classic bully move: she expresses unhappiness with one action, and he holds their entire history and relationship hostage unless she drops it.
This is how sh*tty guys get out of ever changing anything or apologizing. They constantly force their partner into considering their concerns too minor to risk the relationship over. But the fact is, the relationship should never have been at stake—and they wouldn’t be putting it at stake if they really cared about it.
“You Really Tricked Me”
At this point, Leo has invented an entire drama where Kendall was only pretending to like him. Casual reminder that Kendall has said literally nothing to suggest this. Second casual reminder that they are having this conversation because LEO went for someone else. Just in case anyone else feels like they’re taking crazy pills. Anyway, Leo spins all this bullsh*t at Kendall just to divert attention from his own messed up behavior, and try to make it about his own hurt feelings. Not only that, but to make Kendall feel like crap in the process if at all possible.
By refusing to even address what she came to talk about, Leo is being so dismissive that it’s hard to believe he sees her as human. His only interest is in walking out with the upper hand—whether that’s by manipulating her into coming back to him, or trying to make her seem like a crazy b*tch and walking away. This. Guy. Is. Garbage.
“I Don’t Know How You’re Still Single”
This moment in his tirade disappointed me, because Kendall responded by saying “you’re making me feel wonderful.” Admittedly, in the context of “you’re also making me feel like crap,” but still. Kendall, do not let this backhanded swill make you feel wonderful!!! Also included in this section of Leo’s commentary were “I don’t know how Arie didn’t pick you” and “I don’t know how you haven’t found someone.” All of these “compliments” are just a way of reminding her, when she’s already vulnerable, that she is, in fact, still single. That Arie didn’t pick her—which I’m sure was painful. That she hasn’t found a guy, or been picked by a guy. All very real insecurities for anyone who’s single and unhappy about it, let alone someone who has gone on two TV shows to find a boyfriend.
By negging her in this way, Leo is trying to chip away at Kendall’s confidence. He’s trying to make her less secure in her value by reminding her of times when she hasn’t been chosen. And he’s doing all this while responding to her saying “why did you secretly kiss another girl” with “I guess this whole relationship was a lie” and acting like he’s over it already. He’s hoping if he dangles the threat of being alone hard enough, she’ll just say “never mind forget I said anything please just take me back!” Again, “I don’t know how you’re still single” is a terrible “compliment.” “I’m so glad I met you” is what good, normal guys say. Good guys respect you enough to treat your relationship status as a choice, and not imply that they’ve failed at something by not having a boyfriend.
I’m sure I could go on, but you get the idea. Never, ever let guys get away with invalidating your concerns, redirecting every issue back to their own feelings, threatening the relationship every time you try to have a conversation, or actively trying to make you feel insecure. I am more than ready to see Leo go home tonight—Kendall, please girl, dump that hairy man-child and make it as cruel as you can manage.
Images: Giphy (3)
Diggy here from season 13 of The Bachelorette and season 4 of Bachelor in Paradise. Betches thought my Twitter commentary on all things Bachelor was fire, so they gave me room for more than 280 characters.
I’m going to try to do my part to recap what was a somewhat anti-climactic Episodes 2 & 3 of Bachelor in Paradise. If you don’t like spoilers, please read anyway, as we need as many eyes on this as possible.
Episode 2 kicks off with Colton returning from his date with Tia, and he’s immediately cornered by Goose (Chris) and the rest of the Rat pack (which consists of Jordan and Nick), and they demand to know what his intentions are here in Paradise. From afar, it looks like they’re filming a fight scene from a late 90’s musical where no one gets touched and they only snap fingers, but they do get down to business eventually. Colton hints at still being in love with Becca, which Chris responds with: “Then why are you here??” In less than a few words Colton pretty much says: “I’ll be damned if I miss out on these airline miles.” Plus, Tia’s here.
The next morning, the smartest guy on the beach, Venmo John, “finds” a date card, and Kenny is now the lucky person that gets to get off the island. With his newfound popularity, Kenny talks to Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, and Krystal, and he decides to take the newly hobbled Krystal on the date (she somehow managed to hurt her foot on a rock on the beach, which I can personally attest is 99% sand). Kenny’s date is a wrestling date (if you didn’t see that coming, LASIK is for you) where he and Krystal get to enjoy a real life Nacho Libre, minus the tortilla chips. A few kisses happen, but mostly just perspiration from Kenny.
Back on the beach, Jordan makes “dinner plans” for Annaliese. Notably missing from said dinner: plates, utensils, and food. Anyway, it’s the thought that counts…but she’s still hungry. Kevin, who was trying to start something with Krystal, starts looking at Astrid like he wants to crawl all over her, but it’s actually a lizard that beats him to the punch instead. He takes her to beach and their lips lock and he throws away the key. BUH BYE, KRYSTAL.
Pause here, because, YUKI’S BACK!!! She was a star on Winter Games for her personality and lack of English. That 2 week stint in our hearts has now qualified her to pour shots (which she has never done) in another country, which just proves to us that she’s just trying to fill up her passport.
Cocktail Party time, meaning two guys are going home. Awkward convos happen, Hail Mary’s are thrown, but ultimately it’s the Tia and Colton show… again. Tia grabs Colton to chat, and she pretty much tells him that everyone is saying Colton is an immature 6th grader (which for the record, is not true, he’s a lot older than that). Colton tells her that he wants to see what’s out there, and that she should do what makes him happy, because then she’d be happy. Well, whatever the hell that means. Chris then picks up the pieces by spitting hot fire and saying he’s here for Tia and nothing else (remember I said this).
Rose ceremony shakes out as such: Krystal to Kenny, Astrid to Kevin, Tia to Chris, Kendall to Joe, Nysha to Eric, and Angela to John. At this point, we just knew Colton was going home, but Bibiana (*cough cough* producers) decide to give Colton a rose so he can “have the chance to find love.” Those keeping score at home, yes we lost fly-ass Wills and Nick just so we can have more of the Tia/Colton saga.
If you thought you were going to have a full week without our most recent Bachelorette, Becca, you were wrong. In the beginning of episode 3, she shows up the next day, like that trust fund friend with nothing better to do. Becca talks to Tia, and by doing so, haunts Colton in the process.I’m not sure if the producers hate Colton or not, but god is he easy to make fun of. Colton starts crying on a rock smaller than him, and Becca essentially consoles him back to health. Boom, now he has closure, and can be the savage Colton that America has come to know and love.
In what we have to imagine is AMAZING editing, Annaliese continually states how much she’s into Jordan, and then boom—Jenna walks in and leaves Jordan as speechless as we’ve ever seen him. (It must be noted: Her outfit is pink, in addition to her hair, which makes me hope she sticks around so I can see if her hair will always match her outfits.) Jenna takes Jordan on the date, and this dude is GIDDY. They ride horses and make out on the beach (and everywhere else). Also present on this date: a black box that covers Jenna’s butt the entire time. Essentially this date was just taking turns breathing for each other. Jordan comes back to the beach and pretty much tells Annaliese “good luck” and gives her two fingers. David tries to ruffle a few feathers by celebrating Jenna’s birthday with her alone, and Jordan sits there like a chaperone, ensuring that there is no physical contact.
Caroline (Arie’s season) shows up super nervous and literally is speaking a mile a minute. (Someone KISS her already so she can stop talking, PLEASE.) She takes John on the date, who is polar opposite of her normal type of guy. This date REEKED of a friendship, but somehow Caroline is into it. They drink, they dance, a kiss happens, Paradise wins again. Jubilee shows up the next morning, asks John on a date (literally asking him while he’s snuggling with Caroline…SAVAGE) and he says yes. Ziplining and nerdy convo, once again, this date is heading to the platonic section.
Kenny decides to make a night beach date for Krystal, but Krystal pretty much tells him to check your brakes, and then pump them. He pretty much got friend zoned when males have the power…BALLSY move, Krystal. Fast forward to 5 minutes later when she’s making out with Chris (yes, Tia’s Chris) on the daybed. Colton finds out, and runs faster than he did as a football player to tell Tia that Chris kissed Krystal. While chatting to Jordan about how he has everything in the bag, Tia confronts Chris in a fashion that has me ANXIOUS for next week!
Images: Giphy (2)
Well friends, it’s finally summer. And you know what that means—it’s time to go to a Mexican resort, get blackout drunk, and hook up with people who may or may not have a criminal record. Oh, wait! That’s what they’ll be doing on Bachelor in Paradise. I’ll be watching from my couch alone in an old *NSYNC T-shirt. At least I have air conditioning! That’s right folks, ABC has officially announced that everyone’s favorite cautionary tale spin-off will return on Tuesday, August 7, with a 2-hour premiere episode. That’s 120 minutes of watching women desperately try to will their eyelash extensions to stay put in 2000% humidity. How did we get so blessed?!
ABC hasn’t announced the cast yet, but it usually includes losers from the most recent Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, so expect to see Arie castoffs including Tia, Kendall, Bekah, Caroline, Krystal, etc. Anyone that at least made a minor splash on the show and even the ones who didn’t will probably show up because hey! ABC’s standards for contestants these days are about as high as my standards for a man (and tbh I just require them to be breathing). We’ll also get a bunch of Becca’s guys, or at least as many as they can spring from jail for a 2-week furlough. Chris Harrison basically confirmed on Twitter that fan favorite Grocery Joe will be there, and I’m sure we will get The Pensive Gentleman™, Colton, and a few others.
The best thing about Bachelor in Paradise, other than the fact that it’s not me making a fool of myself on national TV, is trying to figure out who is going to couple up. Or, in Ashley and Jared’s case, who is going to threaten to drown a fellow contestant in her never-ending ocean of tears until the other contestant’s fear is so strong that he proposes. There’s not one right way to have a relationship, people. So, I’ve put on my thinking hat and come up with a few predicted couples for this season. Full disclosure: this is based on nothing but my intuition that has steered me completely wrong for the last few decades, so if any of these are right, I’ll be expecting a prize. Shall we get started?
Tia & Colton
So this one’s kind of obvious, but since I’m sure the rest of my predictions will be wrong, LET ME HAVE THIS. Obviously, Colton is still on Becca’s season, but we all know she’s keeping him around for his looks. I don’t care how many seasons the dude’s spent warming the benches in the NFL, there’s no way the Bachelorette is picking him if he slid into her friend’s DMs months ago. Rest assured he will be on Bachelor in Paradise. Human shit stirrer herself, Bekah M, basically confirmed this would be happening on Twitter last week, and as much as I think she usually is grasping at straws to stay relevant, we all know she’s right about this happening. I mean, even my grandma could see this coming a mile away and she can’t even find her glasses. Expect this relationship to get a lot of airtime, and maybe Colton will even lose his virginity to a woman whose first sentence uttered on national television involved the word “weiner.”
Kendall & Grocery Joe
I’m hoping that Kendall and Joe will be the couple to watch in Paradise this year. They are both attractive in a normal way: Kendall doesn’t look like she was made in a Mattel factory and is hiding an on-switch under her left foot, and Joe is not a man with a blowout and spray tan. Snaps for Kendall and Joe. They also both appreciate animals, even if it is in a different way. I imagine a lovely night in for them as a couple would be Kendall killing, skinning, and stuffing a chicken while Joe makes the meat into a delicious pot pie. What a lovely little life.
Meet the newest addition to my taxidermy collection Poppy! She is a ram mount found at Long Beach Flea-market and is such a beauty ????✨ And my hair matches her too ???? Tried crimping for the first time!! Plus @amandarileyhairstylist brightened me up with blonde for the summer ✨???? #hairtwins #taxidermy
Krystal & Jordan
Krystal and Jordan are a match made in reality TV heaven. Or hell, depending on who you’re asking. Krystal is the woman who got mad when Arie invited extra women on their group date, claiming it was unfair. She clearly wanted the attention on her, and Jordan is certainly never going to ignore her for other women. He only has eyes for himself! They also are both in professions that focus a lot on physical appearance, so they can spend their time together looking in mirrors and drinking green juice. Let’s just hope Jordan doesn’t have a needle dick, am I right Krystal?
Bekah & Clay
Bekah wants to be famous, that much is clear. She stirs shit up for no reason cough *Twitter feud with Raven* cough, puts her famous ex on blast, and lets her mom think she was kidnapped just so she could smoke some weed. You’re nobody until you’re a missing person. Clay was the genuine and sweet football player that got injured in episode 3 playing football with male models and sales reps. Bless his heart. I feel like he’d be easily manipulated by The Bachelor’s very own manic pixie dream girl, and he’s her perfect mark since his profession already gives him a level of fame. Expect to see her rip his heart out with her bare hands and serve it to him for dinner.
And of course, Caroline will end up alone with her self-righteousness. As will I. Let me know if I missed any dream couples!
Images: Giphy (3); @keykendall88/Instagram; @whats_ur_sign/Instagram
We’ve spent the past few months mainly focused on the numerous Kardashian/Jenner pregnancies, but the other Kardashians are still keeping busy. Kendall is on April’s cover of Vogue, and Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview and accompanying video feature are already giving us a lot to talk about. She covers a lot of ground, from questioning what happens to the middle of the Cheerios to whether she would date a girl. Oh sweet young Kendall, why don’t we spend more time talking about you? Oh right, it’s because you’re usually busy walking in Chanel shows while the rest of your sisters are being thots on Snapchat.
Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview starts off with a comically long segment about Kendall and her horses, Belle and Dylan. Kendall Jenner was a horse girl growing up, which is funny because the horse girls from my middle school are all in various stages of graduate school now. Some people get smart, and others get pretty. Kendall is obsessed with her horses, and she wants to get back into show jumping, but insists she would use a fake name so people didn’t know it was her. I’m calling it now, LaKendall McJenner is going to win the Kentucky Derby next year.
After Kendall briefly talks about her obsession with transcendental meditation (same), the interview pivots to her sexuality. Um, why? There have been casual rumors for a while that Kendall likes girls, but the interviewer wastes no time and essentially tries to out her by asking why the internet thinks she’s gay. Kendall insists that she doesn’t have “a bisexual or gay bone” in her body, but says she’d be down to experiment. She also talks about her male energy, but is quick to add that she’s not transgender. She is Caitlyn Jenner’s daughter after all, so she might kind of know what she’s talking about.
The more legitimate rumors are that Kendall Jenner is dating NBA player Blake Griffin, who played in LA before being traded to Detroit this year. She refuses to confirm the relationship, but the interviewer helps us out by saying that Kendall spent Valentine’s Day in Michigan. With Kendall in Detroit and Khloé spending half her time in Cleveland with Tristan, can we look forward to a Khloé and Kendall Take the Midwest spinoff? Maybe they’ll start a new franchise of Basketball Wives? Producers, get to work trying to find enough glamorous people in Ohio to cast a reality show.
But if Kendall Jenner’s Vogue interview is the delicious main course here, let’s get to the dessert: Kendall’s Vogue video. It’s titled i, kendall, and if it’s supposed to be a parody of I, Tonya then it’s not succeeding. We see Kendall going about her morning routine in a hotel room that she obviously didn’t sleep in, and she asks herself a series of questions that range from dumb to “girl, do u have a brain?” She first tries to count the hairs in an eyebrow, but she gets bored after counting to six. Is it because she can’t count higher than that? She then admires the color of the walls while brushing her teeth, proving my theory that she has not spent more than five minutes in this room.
Kendall explains that she hasn’t slept in her own house in 17 days, which sounds exhausting but doesn’t excuse the fact that she draws a pair of glasses on her face with eyeliner. Sweetie, are you good?? She also ponders what happens to the holes in the Cheerios, pointing out that it would be wasteful to just throw them away. Ugh, she’s really not smart, is she?
The best part of the video, however, is when she’s staring at herself in the mirror, deep in thought, and just says “this side of my face is good.” KENDALL JENNER. You are the highest paid model in the world, every side of your face is good. I, on the other hand, spend at least half of my social energy making sure I end up on the left side in every photo. I just feel like it’s facial appropriation for Kendall to say shit like this, because she’s obviously prettier than the rest of us and it’s just not fair.
This video is obviously supposed to be funny, but it doesn’t really work because 1) it’s not funny, and 2) Kendall doesn’t really seem like she has the self-awareness or brain power to make fun of herself. We love the girl, but this is not where she shines.
So while Kendall Jenner walks around all day with eyeliner all over her face, I’m just thankful that I don’t spend my time thinking about the poor holes in the Cheerios. I might not be booking the cover of Vogue, but at least I have a college degree and have made it past question 6 on HQ several times. What can I say, I’m unbelievably blessed.
Images: @kendalljenner / Instagram; Giphy
It’s Friday, which means another week has passed where I’m forced to write about America’s favorite attention whores: the Kardashians. And by “forced,” I mean I willingly and gleefully volunteered for the job. Obviously. Anyways, in a shocking turn of events, I am not writing to spread rumors confirm more Kardashian pregnancies, and thank fucking god for that. I really don’t think I could take another pregnancy “leak” right before my weekend starts. I was already planning to blackout at 5pm sharp, and I don’t need the added anxiety of finding out a person whom I’ve never met and have no personal connection to Kendall Jenner is pregnant. Nope. Can’t do it. I’m actually writing, because today is Kendall’s birthday! *Feels journalism degree slowly withering away and dying* Kendall, aka the skinny one with the personality of a stapler (I know, I paint a vivid picture, don’t I?), is 22 today. I could have sworn she was closer to 30? But maybe that’s because I’ve been Keeping Up with these hoes for longer than all of Kylie’s plastic surgery procedures combined, so yeah, Kendall feels fucking ancient to me. And since it’s Kendall’s birthday I figured we should celebrate the occasion the only way I know how: with a public shaming. My mother really raised a winner, didn’t she?
And what better place to begin than with her intelligence? So in honor of her bday, let’s talk shit about all the times we were smarter than Kendall Jenner, which was kind of a lot, tbh.
When She Chose Her Career
If you spend your valuable free time stalking these plagues upon humanity Keep Up at all, then you know Kendall has always been the timid, quiet one in the family. She has said multiple times how she, “hates the spotlight,” and, “loves eating,” and, “embracing her tomboy side,” which is why she chose International Super Model as her career path. Makes sense. It’s weird, because I’ve always said shit like how I, “hate workplace fluorescent lighting,” but, “love eating,” and, “embracing a life where I’m not homeless,” and felt a similar struggle when I declared myself a creative writing major. Celebrities, they’re just like us.
When She Said She Couldn’t Read Good
I’m not going to say that was verbatim what came out of her mouth as an explanation for fucking up an introduction at the Billboard Music Awards, but I’m also not not saying that. Her actual introduction of 5 Seconds of Summer went something like, “um, oneeee…?” Which is barely English, let alone an introduction for which I’m sure she was paid millions to present. *internally screams* This is Betsy DeVos’ America, people, right fucking here.
When She Didn’t Lock Down Harry Styles As Her BF Even Though She Literally Had 1 Million Chances To Do So
So clearly she’s a lesbian. Because I don’t see another valid explanation for why she would let Harry Styles go just like that. Okay, so this might be a stretch seeing as how it was never actually confirmed that the two of them were more than just fuck buddies friends “hanging out,” but she was at one point in her life very close to Harry Styles, and now she’s very close to always being the single sister on the Kardashian family vacations. All I’m saying is someone fucked up here and it’s not the beautiful, talented human she had in her clutches for two plus years. Just saying.
*whispers “she doesn’t fucking deserve you” under breath*
That Time She Compared Her Legacy To Dead Music Icons
Remember that one time Kendall and Kylie decided it would be a good idea to photoshop their faces and initials on top of pictures of dead musical icons like Biggie and Tupac and sell the offending result as a t-shirt for a casual $125 a shirt? And I totally almost bought one, because I’m trash? The girls claimed they were “deeply sorry” for their blatant attempt to make a profit off of cultural appropriation a t-shirt idea and that the designs “were not well thought out.” Uh, yeah. You can fucking say that again. I imagine a lot isn’t “thought out” in their lives, but then again, one of them is one of the highest paid supermodels in the world, and the other is slowly bleeding me dry one lip kit at a time, sooo who’s the real sucker here?
When She “Graduated” From High School
Any sort of academic degree hand-delivered by Ryan Seacrest as a strategic attempt to raise ratings is fake news if I’ve ever seen it. The man has gelled tips IN THE YEAR 2017. Nope. I don’t trust it. We’ve already established that the girl can barely tell the difference between the numerical values one and five, and you think she passed California’s high school state exams? I may believe literally every other bullshit rumor funneled to the media by Kris Jenner and her minions, but I ain’t buying this one. Even my degree in creative writing sounds less fake than this shit.
That Time She Thought She Found The Answer To World Peace
And, last but not least, we have the Pepsi can heard ‘round the world.’ Oh honey, baby, cookie, sweetie, what in the fuck were you thinking? I’m still not over the fact that she thought wearing a jean-on-jean ensemble and flaunting her white privilege a pepsi can during a riot as a show of breaking down race barriers and promoting world peace would go over well with, like, anyone. I mean, was Kendall the mastermind behind this campaign? That’s a hard no. I doubt that girl would know how to spell her own name without Kris Jenner whispering, “No, there’s two L’s,” in her ear. But, like, she did show up to set and for that we roast her, because any person with human eyes and who reads at a fourth grade reading level could tell what was up. Oh, Kendall. I’d say never change, but we both know you won’t.
Jesus fucking Christ. Well, at least you have an amazing thigh gap. Seriously, v jealous. Just keeping playing to your strengths, girlfriend!
To our future kids and citizens of the Kardashian States of America,
We want to express our sincerest apologies for the dystopia you live in today. We feel responsible for this, because believe it or not, there used to be a time when the Overlord Kris and her 5,000 grandchildren didn’t rule the Earth. It’s shocking, we know, but we’ll do our best to explain.
A very long time ago, back in the ancient 1970s, Kris was just a nobody flight attendant, until she married a wealthy lawyer named Robert. They had four children together, who you know as Queens Kourtney, Kim, and Khloé, plus another one named Rob, who they killed off several years ago. Their family became famous when Robert Sr. successfully defended a murderer in court, which seems extremely ominous now that we think about it.
Anyway, Kris grew the dynasty by remarrying Olympic athlete Caitlyn Jenner (known at the time as Bruce), and having two more children: Princesses Kendall and Kylie. All the siblings helped cement the family as celebrity trash gold by starring in several iterations of a reality show called Keeping Up With the Kardashians, fucking a lot of rappers, and making a few sex tapes. It was all just fun and games at the time, but it got out of control a few years later, when they continued fucking rappers and spawning more and more children faster than we could keep track of.
We’ll admit that we let this happen by religiously watching their lives and enjoying every minute of it. We followed their love triangle clusterfuck, and were genuinely curious about everything from their lip and butt injections to what was in their salads. But how were we supposed to know that this was just the tip of the iceberg? We thought Kanye 2020 was a joke at first.
So please accept our condolences for the fact that solid food is now illegal, and you have to say the Pledge of Allegiance to Kylie in the morning at school. We feel especially sorry that Caitlyn put her face over the Lincoln Memorial, but we’re not sorry that Taylor Swift has been permanently exiled. Since we can’t undo the damage that’s already been done, it looks like we’re stuck dealing with the royal family for the long run. And yes, this is why all of your names start with “K.”
Oops. Our bad,