Last week, Kendall Jenner took part in super mundane normal people things by attending her best friend Lauren Perez’ star-studded Miami Beach wedding as a bridesmaid, alongside bestie Bella Hadid. Only, rather than posting any evidence alongside the bride wearing a travesty of a bridesmaid gown, Kendall donned a not-so-mundane $1,450 diamond cutout maxi dress from New York-based brand Mônot.
She documented the lavish event by posting photos of her drop-dead flawless physique in a series of bathroom mirror selfies alongside Hailey Bieber, who attended as a guest and was clearly informed about the attire being “beach formal wedding” and not “VMA after-party”. Naturally, Twitter erupted into a firestorm of ‘how dare she?!’ reactions, ranging from “blocked” to “Kendall really just said F you to her best friend on her wedding day.”
Kendall Jenner really said F you to her best friend on her wedding day pic.twitter.com/MGo0w8al9h
— Eleanore Hutch (@elehutch) November 12, 2021
Look, I know the Florida humidity is no match for fresh curls, sticky boobs, or basically any article of clothing heavier than single-ply rayon, but not even in the most swamp-assy climate should a wedding guest wear less material than Kylie’s crappy swimline. I guarantee you nowhere on The Knot does cut-out cloth constitute “beach formal”. Personally, I would’ve rather had Kendall show up to my wedding in custom ivory Vera Wang couture.
Not only did Kendall probably cause more heads to turn than the bride’s own grand entrance, but prior to documenting her bold look, she appropriately donned a strapless baby blue BEC + BRIDGE dress while walking down the aisle, which should’ve been the only dress she wore all night. Isn’t it the first rule of Bridesmaiding 101 when signing your rights life away for half a year, to wear that frameless blush chiffon gown all night until your armpits are raw with third-degree burns?!
Also, if a friend, let alone my own bridesmaid, ever decided to do an outfit change during my nuptials, I would probably throw perfectly manicured hands. The only wedding attendee who should be partaking in multiple outfit changes is the bride herself (if that).
As this story continued to make headlines, it was reported that Kendall actually swapped styles during the wedding reception, which looked like it was held at a Miami nightclub, so I guess the Fashion Nova vibes make sense, but isn’t it already enough of an attention-grab just being Kendall Jenner? The only second look my bridesmaids debuted during my dive bar after-party were sweatpants, messy buns, and remnants of smeared eyelash glue.
Don’t get me wrong, as a wedding guest, I find joy in arriving in a subtly sexy ensemble and looking hotter than the bridesmaids sweating in their puffy sleeves, but let’s talk about practicality for a sec. Kendall’s dress would never pass the very first test every girl asks themselves when shopping for wedding guest dresses: “Will this dress allow me to get low on the dance floor?”
I’d be willing to bet Kendall was unable to participate during “Thriller” or “The Electric Slide” and it truly pains me to think of such a tragedy. She’d be lucky if she can successfully complete “The Macarena” without an areola playing a game of Peek-A-Boo, but I don’t even want to think about the nightmare that would’ve ensued during “Shout”. On that note, if Kendall even dared to participate in the bouquet toss, things would’ve gone from zero to OnlyFans quicker than you can say “Single Ladies”.
But who am I kidding? If I had any self-control and a body like that, I’d probably wear the shit out of Kendall’s dress to my best friend’s wedding. Sue me.
Images: elehutch / Twitter; Axelle/Bauer-Griffin/FilmMagic / Getty Images
Guys, serious question. Why the f*ck do the Kardashians keep having parties? Hot on the heels of Kim’s ill-advised 40th birthday trip, Kendall decided to host her own 25th birthday/Halloween party on Harriet’s Rooftop at Hotel 1 in West Hollywood. That’s right, friends, while you were dropping candy down a chute to a kindergartener wearing a hazmat suit, the Kardashians & Co. were getting their aerosols all up in each other’s tightly costumed business.
The guest list was reported to be around 100 people, with attendees including Jaden Smith, Justin Bieber, The Weeknd, Winnie Harlow, Doja Cat, and 95 other people that I assume I hate. Kendall dressed up as Pamela Anderson and posted her costume on Instagram:
View this post on Instagram
Look, I’m not going to deny she looks great. But can all these idiots who run around obviously flouting the rules and keeping us in this state of lockdown stop telling me to vote? I already did, and I don’t need your hypocritical ass telling me to do so. Thanks!!
Not only did Kendall throw a huge party, but she clearly knew it was wrong, telling her guests not to post on social media. Of all the rules people should be following right now, THAT’S the one she wanted to enforce at this party??! Also, Kendall, that’s a sweet idea, but you invited people who literally make their living posting on social media. You really think they’re not going to post? That’s like throwing a raw steak at a lion and asking it not to eat it. Even Kendall’s own sister posted the party all over her stories. Intentional sabotage or honest (drunken) mistake?
not Kendall Jenner hosting a Halloween party in the middle of the pandemic and making a "no social media" rule so people wouldn't know pic.twitter.com/ZfmvooNMkk
— ema | TAYLOR IS FREE (@repaotd) November 1, 2020
Lest you all think I am being dramatic (me? never!) and critical of Kendall for no reason, let’s give her the benefit of the doubt! I’m going to take a look at some of the CDC recommendations for gatherings and see how well they were followed at this party.
Currently, the CDC recommends that people wear masks when they are less than six feet away from other people.
Hmmm okay, so I guess that one’s a fail. Unless full body makeup counts?! I have a call out to Dr. Fauci, so if he calls me back and says this one is fine, I’ll update you!!
The CDC also suggests guests bring their own food, and limit the amount of people where food is being handled. Let’s see how they did on that one:
SHE BLEW OUT CANDLES!! That wasn’t even sanitary BEFORE people were dying from other people’s spit! I hope that coronavirus was at least buttercream.
And finally, they recommend that guests minimize gestures that promote close contact. For example, don’t shake hands, do elbow bumps, or give hugs. Instead wave and verbally greet them.
Does groping count? I really wish they had been more specific about butt contact. I can’t be the only one with this question.
ET reports that they rapid tested everyone at the door, and only people who tested negative were allowed to go up. That’s at least something, I guess, but who was doing this testing? A doctor? Or were they just hazing some low-tier Tik Tok star who was willing to demean themselves by sticking Q-tips up popstars’ noses for a precious invite? My money’s on that one.
Also, this testing is imperfect! A negative rapid test is not an all-access pass to straddle a dude dressed as the Nutty Professor. It’s just not.
And I’m not the only one who’s pissed. Naturally, the internet went crazy over this party.
Ok Kendall Jenner blowing out candles as a masked waiter holds her cake and tries to move out of the way was actually the scariest thing I saw on Halloween pic.twitter.com/o46ri7TJ9W
— Nicholindz Cage (@lolzlindz) November 1, 2020
CAN ALL THESE CELEBRITIES AKA KYLIE JENNER, KENDALL JENNER, JUSTIN BIEBER, NIKITA DRAGUN, JADEN SMITH TO NAME A FEW STOP BEING IGNORANT TOWARDS THIS VIRUS THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE DYING U DONT NEED A HALLOWEEN PARTY
— ❀bec⁷ (@sixthirtyagbs) November 1, 2020
kendall jenner throwing a party in the middle of a GLOBAL PANDEMIC is irresponsible beyond imagination. people are going homeless and losing their jobs. there are people dying in hospitals everyday because of this. instead of you staying home your putting more people at risk pic.twitter.com/GXhJRonHW1
— victoria ᴴ (@harrysgrovvy) November 2, 2020
I think the fact that anyone would call this a “super safe” party just shows what a truly skewed view of reality celebrities have right now (and always).
So now I have another question for you. Where are the consequences for the Kardashians? Morgan Wallen got dumped from SNL for partying without a mask, and the NFL has fined teams and coaches for not wearing masks. But it seems that things that stick to others never seem to stick to this family. I think there needs to be a larger conversation about why it’s time for us as a country to be done with the Kardashian/Jenners and their problematic behavior, but in the meantime I would like to see some sort of consequence for how they’ve acted throughout this whole global crisis. Kendall has yet to respond to backlash, but I’m not holding my breath for anything remotely apologetic.
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Images: DFree / Shutterstock.com; kendalljenner, kendalljenner_official__ (3)/Instagram; repaotd, lolzlindz, sixthirtyagbs,harrysgrovvy/Twitter
These days, any mindless activity that takes up an hour of free time is a welcome distraction, and I’ve found myself spending more time on YouTube than ever before. Whether I’m getting way too invested in beauty guru drama or living vicariously through vloggers in countries that have actually opened back up, there’s plenty of content. But more than anything, I can’t recommend the Architectural Digest YouTube channel highly enough. Their celebrity “Open Door” series never disappoints, and while the houses are gorgeous, most of them are also hilariously over-the-top. Case in point: today’s new video featuring Kendall Jenner.
Compared to most of the people in her family, Kendall’s house actually seems pretty normal—it’s a far cry from the cement monastery where Kim and Kanye live—but it’s not like, actually normal. She still has a whole-ass painting room, two closets, and a kitchen that I would actually saw my arm off for. But here are some of the more… interesting… details of Kendall Jenner’s home.
Kendall’s James Turrell
The first thing you see when you walk into the house is Kendall’s James Turrell. Turrell is an artist known for his light installations, and his pieces can easily run into the six-figure price range. Kendall says that he makes these pieces to meditate in front of, but I have my doubts that Kendall is really spending much time meditating in her foyer. The piece is called “Scorpius,” and Kendall is a Scorpio. Groundbreaking.
Kendall’s Sink
Right off the living room, Kendall has a “really nice, kind of dark, moody powder room,” which is dominated by this 300-pound stone sink. Kendall says that in the whole year she spent renovating the house, this sink was the hardest thing to install, because it was so heavy that they had to reinforce the wall. And I gotta ask… was it worth it? This looks like something they used to baptize people like, 1,000 years ago, and my editor also pointed out that it bears a resemblance to a block of feta cheese.
Kendall’s Dining Room
Behold, Kendall’s dining room furniture. Now, I’m sure every single thing in this photo cost more than I make in a month, but again… was it worth it? I get the aesthetic idea of having mismatched chairs, but most of these are actually just the chairs I see on the side of the street that people can pick up for free. (Should I have grabbed them?) And there’s absolutely no way those middle school classroom chairs are comfortable, right?
Kendall’s Glam Room
Of course, every member of the Kar-Jenner family must have a fully equipped glam room, and Kendall converted one of her bedrooms into a full-time glam spot. Her glam room is complete with its own door to the outside, so her glam team doesn’t have to walk through the rest of the house. God forbid they dirty the carpet with their non-designer shoes! She also has a full wall of all her framed magazine covers, which is an idea she says she stole from Kim. Sounds about right.
Kendall’s Tracy Emin
Kendall is such an art collector, and this neon piece by Tracy Emin is about… a guy’s d*ck. Kendall says that she’s pretty sure the numbers are the, uh, measurements of Emin’s ex, and that she’s saying his new woman is happy because it’s big. Not sure this is something I’d want in the sitting room outside my master bedroom (as if I have a sitting room outside my master bedroom), but ok! By the way, Kendall also says she loves to meditate in this room.
Kendall’s Copper Energy Rings
In front of her bed, Kendall has lots of books arranged inside copper energy rings. She says she’s “not exactly sure what they’re good for,” but someone told her to get them. Lol. Honestly, relatable, that’s my same rationale for reading my horoscope every week.
Kendall’s Tub
Kendall says she gets a ton of use out of her brass tub, which probably cost like, a million dollars or something. The tub looks like something that belongs in Donald Trump’s penthouse, and I’m a little surprised that Kendall went for something so ostentatious. But the thing that is really sending me over the edge about this whole setup is that she has a damn Persian rug in the middle of the bathroom. Imagine stepping out of a tub full of water, and putting your actual wet feet onto this rug. EW!
Let’s be honest, I would gladly take Kendall’s wacky details over my lame apartment any day, and I like her place more than any of the other Kardashian houses. But maybe without the feta cheese sink—that might be a deal breaker for me. Thank god Architectural Digest shoots these videos like six months in advance, because they’re they only thing keeping me sane in 2020.
Check out the whole tour below and let me know what other weird sh*t I missed.
Images: BAKOUNINE / Shutterstock.com; Architectural Digest / YouTube
Well, once the news cycle was being taken up by Kristin Cavallari’s divorce and Gigi Hadid’s baby news, we all knew it was only a matter of time before Kris Jenner called in a few favors and cooked up a scandal of her own. As we all know, Kris works harder than the devil, and she always comes through. I guess none of the Kardashians were in the mood to get pregnant again right now, so we’ve ended up with something even juicier: Kendall Jenner is hanging out with Jordyn Woods’ ex, and they’re currently on a road trip together.
I mean… where to even begin with this? Much like onions and ogres, this sh*t has LAYERS. First, let’s just start with what we know for sure. Early this morning, TMZ obtained a video of Kendall Jenner with Phoenix Suns player Devin Booker at a rest stop outside of Sedona, Arizona. In the video, Devin is seen getting into the back of his black Maybach, and then Kendall runs over, along with another dude who looks like a driver. First of all, I am so thankful that this video evidence exists. Whoever took the video, you are 100% doing the Lord’s work.
Wonderful evidence, and the commentary of “there go Jenner” is hilarious. But… why the f*ck is Kendall Jenner at a rest stop in Arizona? Actually, that would be a valid question at any time, but especially now? In case any of you are miraculously unaware, we’re still in the middle of a global pandemic, and traveling is pretty much the number-one thing we’re not supposed to be doing right now. Arizona is still under a stay at home order, as is California, where Kendall lives. And not only are they traveling and presumably using a public restroom—they’re not even wearing masks! Ugh, why!!
A source who spoke to TMZ was eager to clear up concerns about social distancing here, saying “Kendall and friends have a small social circle amongst the group, who have been following the same social distancing and physical distancing guidelines. Devin is a friend and is part of the small group… They took a road trip for some much-needed air.” Uh, what the f*ck? Clearly, whatever “distancing guidelines” they’ve been following have nothing to do with the ones from the government, because it sounds like they’re breaking pretty much every rule. It’s one thing to talk to your friend from the driveway, but I’m pretty sure driving across state lines with someone you don’t live with is not advisable right now.
Also, I’m sorry, but “much-needed air” is a weak excuse to travel right now, especially for a celebrity. Really, Kendall, I am so sorry that you feel cooped up in your giant mansion, but some of us are stuck in tiny apartments, or even houses that are not palatial. If you need air, you can go on a walk, not cross state lines.
So, distance-shaming aside, who is Devin Booker? Aside from being a star NBA player, the most important thing to know about Devin Booker is that he used to date Jordyn Woods. Yes, that Jordyn Woods. They started dating in 2018, and were even seen on a double date with Kendall Jenner and Ben Simmons in May of that year. While they were never too public about their relationship, they reportedly split in early 2019, shortly before Jordyn Woods got excommunicated from the Kardashian fam for hanging out with Tristan Thompson. Ah, simpler times.
So… why is Kendall Jenner hanging out with her sister’s ex-BFF’s ex-boyfriend? Whom she double dated with in the past? What is going ON? TMZ’s sources maintain that they’re just friends, which could definitely be true. These people all run in the same circles, so it wouldn’t be too surprising if Kendall and Devin stayed close after their respective breakups. But also, sneaking from state to state together when you’re not supposed to leave your home doesn’t scream “just friends.” But even if there’s nothing romantic going on here, I’d love it if they could both stay the f*ck home. It’s not that hard, guys!
We’re now entering week five of social distancing—or is it week four? Week six? Honestly, I have no idea, and I stopped counting on day eight after it just got too depressing. Now, many of us have more or less settled into this new normal, which means exercising less than we should, eating more than we should, and rolling our eyes at celebrities. I mean, that never really stopped, but in the past week or so, it feels like celebs are more determined than ever to put their feet in their mouths. Last week, Ellen DeGeneres compared her mansion to jail, and over the weekend, Justin Bieber made a similar misstep on Instagram Live.
On Saturday, Justin and Hailey Bieber went on Instagram Live together, and were joined (virtually, of course) by their pal Kendall Jenner. Name three less interesting personalities, I’ll wait. Anyway, while on Live together, Justin decided to share some wisdom about how fortunate he is. And surprising no one, things didn’t go great.
After asking Kendall about her year-long renovation on her mansion, Justin said “How blessed are we? A lot of people obviously in this time have a crappy situation. They look at us and obviously we worked hard for where we’re at so we can’t feel bad for the things that we have but I think us taking that time to acknowledge that there are people who are crippling is important. We send our love and support to them.”
Here’s a video of what Justin said, with a sound effect of a guillotine blade being sharpened added for good measure:
justin bieber, hailey, and kendall jenner being out of touch with reality but now there’s the sound of a guillotine blade being sharpened pic.twitter.com/DbOH0WJ7h9
— 𝘫𝘢𝘺 𖤐 (@reptlila) April 11, 2020
I’m trying to think of a more creative way to say yikes, but like, YIKES. While it’s great for people like Justin and Kendall to acknowledge their privilege, this is absolutely not the way to do it. Sure, Justin is a hard worker, but so are the millions of people who have lost their jobs in the past month. Like, if hard work was all it took to become famous (and not hard work in addition to a healthy dose of luck, privilege, connections, etc.), we would all be celebrities. No one is really asking famous people to “feel bad” for the things they have, but Justin’s acknowledgement of “people who are crippling” would be a lot more compelling if it came with a big check. Also, what does “people who are crippling” even mean? Please advise.
As you could probably guess, the folks over on Twitter weren’t too thrilled with what Justin had to say.
i’m sure all the newly unemployed are grateful to know justin bieber thought about them being poor
— donky🌹☭ (@phattdonk) April 6, 2020
Specifically, I’m curious what Justin thought he was accomplishing by “acknowledging” all the people struggling right now. Like, thanks?
5am and I keep thinking about that video with Justin and Kendall and how they were trying so hard to acknowledge poor ppl
— tan (@madashmallowsan) April 13, 2020
Kendall and Hailey, to their credit, didn’t really get involved in this part of the conversation. Kendall said she thinks about how fortunate she is “all the time,” but didn’t spout any bullsh*t about how hard she’s worked for her money. Good for her—it looks like the Kris Jenner media training is paying off. The three of them are all getting low-key dragged for being part of the conversation, but Justin Bieber is definitely the one who really showed his ass here.
So while people wait for their stimulus checks to arrive, hopefully they’ll be able to buy groceries with Justin Bieber’s “love and support.” I have a feeling my local supermarket doesn’t accept payment in the form of tone-deaf celebrity comments. This video was definitely painful to watch, but I sincerely hope that Justin’s “support” is taking the form of some big charitable donations, or else I don’t really want to hear it.
Images: Steve Granitz / Contributor/Getty Images; reptlila, phattdonk, madashmallowsan / Twitter
I’ve always said that being hot is really 75% just proper hygiene. Just looking clean and polished ups your hotness ratio by a lot. (I mean, except if you’re a guy living in LA, and then somehow you’re allowed to look filthy and still be considered hot because it’s “grunge”.) Celebrities have the means to push this further. Even without the plastic surgeons, they have access to the best hair stylists, very expensive extensions and wigs, the most skilled makeup artists, personal trainers, personal chefs, and the list goes on and on. Meanwhile, looking my best as a regular person means putting on makeup in 10 minutes and poorly curling my hair—maybe putting on jeans instead of leggings (but usually not, jeans are formal wear, everyone knows that). But really, if we all had Kardashian money and access, how much better looking would we be?
Well, I decided to put that question to the test. Not by somehow becoming an overnight billionaire, but by taking a look at what the Kardashians used to look like before all the money and the fame. The Kardashian-Jenner clan were always rich, let’s make that clear, but once they got in the public eye, they started really shelling out cash for their appearance. So what does being rich and having access to the the best of the beauty world do to your face? Let’s take a look.
Kim
Kim went from styling her makeup like Jafar to a “natural” look. (I put “natural” in quotes because it still probably takes her a ton of makeup to get there.) Kim talking about makeup was the first time I had even heard the word “contour,” and say what you will, but she heavily influenced the way all of us think about makeup. She really does look like an entirely different person from her past self, and for some reason, also stopped smiling in photos. Is that a rich person thing or from the Botox?
Khloé
I really thought that Khloé would look the most different due to her dramatic weight loss, but really, she was actually pretty thin before she was mega-famous. Now she’s just super ripped and in shape. In addition to the obvious hair color change, Khloé got a tan, is no longer subject to normal human problems like oily skin, enhanced her lips, and is “contouring” her nose differently. I will say, the makeup is definitely better! Why did we all think having shiny lips was a good look?
Kourtney
I always felt like Kourtney had the least amount of work done of her entire family, but this photo makes her face seem pretty significantly different. One thing being that she looks super miserable in every single photo now. Is that part of being “high fashion”? Or is that just proving what they say about money not buying you happiness? IDK. What I do know is that years of the best makeup artists got Kourt to grow out her brows and stop with the heavy-handed black liner. I say, from my high horse, although this was my *exact* look in middle school, too. Complete with the hoop earrings! It was just of the times for a regular person. But the money definitely changed Kourt from being subjected to us regular people trends (and, from the looks of it, also changed her nose).
Kris
Kris was always cute, and now she’s still cute, but she kinda looks like an entirely different person. Since her early days, Kris grew out her hair, got lash extensions, a new nose, and thicker eyebrows. She also lightened up the makeup, which makes her look way younger, but somehow has less wrinkles in the recent photo than the before thanks to her documented facelift and Botox.
Kendall
Kendall and Kylie are harder to show because they were literal children before they started their cyborg transformation. But I tried to find photos of them in their late teens. I always thought Kendall looked the most natural out of all of them, with most of her changes being to her makeup, nose, lips, and learning how to serve ~lewks~. Seriously, can Kendall teach me how to pose? I’m sick of looking awkward in every photo. I will say that her lips definitely look fuller, and not just from overlining them, but that’s neither here nor there.
Kylie
In a correlation that is definitely related, Kylie has the most money and has changed the most. Aside from being a child in the original photo, clearly there is a lot going on for this total glow-up. Surgery/fillers aside, the biggest changes to Kylie’s face really look like they’re from just having the best of the best makeup and hair people. Before, she did her makeup like every other 14-year-old. Now she looks like a true celebrity, with perfectly filled brows, contour, super long lashes—the works.
This goes to show, with enough money, we could all look like these celebrities. It’s been said before, but I’ll say it again: nobody’s ugly, just poor.
Images: Tinseltown / Shutterstock.com; Jeff Vespa/WireImage; Kevin Mazur/Getty Images for Sean Combs; ANDREAS BRANCH/Patrick McMullan via Getty Images; Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for UCLA; Michael Caulfield/WireImage; Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Dior Men; Ron Galella, Ltd./Ron Galella Collection via Getty Images; Erik Voake/Getty Images for ThinkBIG!, Nazarian Institute; Michael Tran/FilmMagic via Getty Images; Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images; Stefanie Keenan / Getty Images; Jon Kopaloff/FilmMagic via Getty Images
It’s been a long f*cking decade, and it’s safe to say there are probably a lot of pop culture moments you’ve forgotten about. I mean, there are plenty of pop culture moments just from 2019 that you forgot about. We’ve talked a lot about the end of the decade, from rounding up the most impressive celeb glowups to the least impressive fashion trends we all succumbed to, but this list might just be the most fun yet. There’s nothing better than a good celebrity scandal, so I put together the craziest ones you forgot about from this decade. There’s one for each year, so enjoy this nostalgic time with some batsh*t crazy celebs.
2010: Miley Cyrus’ Bong
9 Years ago the iconic video of Miley smoking salvia was leaked! Which was your reaction?! 💥 pic.twitter.com/686MhHVAT6
— Miley Cyrus Updates (@MileyUpdates) November 28, 2019
As we near 2020, it’s honestly insane that Miley Cyrus started this decade as a teenager who was still best known as Hannah Montana. In 2010, she began to change her reputation with Can’t Be Tamed, but she really turned heads when a video of her smoking a bong hit the internet. I can’t even believe this was a big deal, but I guess 2010 was a different time. While it turned out to only be salvia (lame), Christian mothers everywhere were horrified, but the rest of us finally realized Miley could hang.
2011: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Love Child
Way before Ben Affleck had an affair with the nanny, Arnold Schwarzenegger was busy doing even worse sh*t. In May of 2011, Arnold and Maria Shriver announced that they were separating after 25 years of marriage. The next week, news leaked that the separation was spurred by Maria finding out that he fathered a child with their housekeeper 14 years earlier. Arnold admitted it, but failed to mention that he only told Maria after she confronted him with the information. Not a good look, Arnold. The love child was born just DAYS apart from Arnold’s last child with Maria, making the whole thing even more gross.
2012: Halle Berry’s Exes’ Fight
Ah yes, this one is really deep from the pop culture vaults. On Thanksgiving of 2012, Halle Berry’s then-fiancé, Olivier Martinez, got into a fist fight with her ex, Gabriel Aubry, at her house. The fight likely had something to do with the custody battle over Halle and Gabriel’s daughter, whom Halle wanted to move to France full-time. The fight ended with Gabriel Aubry both hospitalized and arrested on battery charges, so I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t a happy Thanksgiving. After two years of marriage, Halle and Olivier got divorced in 2015, but at least she got him to fight for her while it lasted. The literal dream.
2013: Paula Deen’s Racism
I don’t know why we were all so surprised that an older white woman whose main personality trait is being from the south was racist, but alas, this one hurt. After years of a successful Food Network show and other business ventures, Paula Deen’s cooking empire came crashing down when she admitted in court documents that she used the N-word in conversation. Yeah, hard yikes to that. She also apparently wrote that she wished her husband could “witness a real Southern plantation-style wedding, complete with waiters acting as slaves.” UMMMMM, yeah, what the f*ck?! She lost her book deal, TV show, and product lines, and she definitely deserved it.
2014: Solange & Jay-Z’s Elevator Fight
The fact that Jay-Z cheated on Beyoncé still makes me viscerally upset, and apparently Bey’s sister Solange had the same reaction. After the 2014 Met Gala, security camera footage leaked of her kicking Jay in an elevator, and nothing has ever made me happier. Beyoncé later referenced the incident in one of her songs, saying that “of course sometimes sh*t goes down when it’s a billion dollars on the elevator.” A relatable scenario, for sure. We don’t technically know that the fight was about the cheating, and Jay said in an interview that “before and after, we’ve been cool,” but like, sure Jan. I’ve cut my siblings’ significant others off for like, buying them a sh*tty Christmas present; it’s not just gonna be “cool” if you cheat on my insanely beautiful, talented, brilliant sister who is the mother of your child.
2015: Rachel Dolezal
In a decade full of messy behavior, Rachel Dolezal might just be the messiest. She was a total nobody until, one day in 2015, her story went completely viral. Dolezal was serving as President of her local NAACP chapter when a small issue came up: she was telling everyone she was black, but that was a lie. Though she was born to white parents, instead of walking it all the way back and apologizing, Rachel maintained that she “self-identifies” as African American (not a thing), leading her to get fired from her jobs, and get clowned on the whole entire internet. In the years since, she’s changed her name to Nkeche, gotten charged with welfare fraud, and starred in a Netflix documentary that really just made her look worse and made her kids resent her. What a mess.
2016: Kim’s Paris Robbery
Whether you’re a Kardashian fan or not, there’s no denying that the Paris robbery was a really scary moment. While staying in Paris, Kim was robbed at gunpoint in her hotel room, where she was tied up and put in the bathtub. The thieves stole $10 million worth of jewelry, which is a good reminder to all of us that you shouldn’t travel with millions of dollars in jewelry. Kim like, basically doesn’t wear jewelry anymore because of this, and started being more careful about geotagging, so you could actually say this is one of the most influential moments of the decade. Just saying.
2017: Kendall’s Pepsi Ad
Remember when Kendall Jenner solved racism and inequality with one simple Pepsi commercial? Good times! I think everyone audibly gasped the first time they saw this commercial, which made light of a powerful social justice movement about police brutality and killing unarmed POC to shill soda. The reaction to the ad was swift and strong, and Pepsi pulled it almost immediately, but not before it went intensely viral. I’m sure someone (or several people) were fired over this, but I’m still not sure why anyone thought it was okay in the first place.
2018: Who Bit Beyoncé
the closest we ever came to world peace was when everyone just wanted to figure out who bit Beyoncé
— Betches (@betchesluvthis) December 27, 2019
I really hate to drag Beyoncé into this list again, but we can’t not talk about how weird this was. Last year, Tiffany Haddish randomly told a story about Jay-Z’s album release party, in which she said that a mystery “actress” was being extra and “bit Beyoncé in the face.” For the days that followed, the whole of society basically stopped, as everyone tried to figure out who the culprit could be. Ultimately, sleuths deduced that it was Sanaa Lathan, and Tiffany Haddish ultimately confirmed this conclusion. I still don’t know why this became a thing, but wow, what a time to be alive.
2019: Prince William Cheating
I really don’t feel like this got enough attention. Earlier this year, there were fairly credible rumors about Prince William cheating on Kate with one of her good friends, and we barely even talked about it! How is this not a bigger deal?? Probably because the royal family is getting ready to serve me with an injunction as we speak, but still. You probably don’t even remember the name Rose Cholmondeley, partly because it’s the longest, most confusing last name ever, but an alleged royal mistress (who was also Kate’s friend) deserves more attention! This alleged affair also sparked conspiracy theories that the whole “Meghan and Kate don’t get along” narrative is merely a cover-up for what’s really going on. Next season of The Crown is gonna be amazing.
The next decade will no doubt bring more dramatic af celebrity scandals. I’m just hoping, for the sake of content, that somebody will take one for the team (me) and pull another Tristan Thompson/Jordyn Woods.
Images: mileyupdates, betchesluvthis / Twitter; Giphy (8)
Pour your zero-carb appetite suppressant out for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, which was officially canceled yesterday in a statement by their parent company, L Brands. Apparently, the VS fashion show is taking the year off to “evolve the messaging” of the brand, aka to consider working with people who are not six foot tall cis women that weigh the same as an apple. In the #MeToo era, it comes as no surprise that a show as blatantly male gaze-y as the VS Fashion Show would have to rebrand (also, model Shanina Shaik leaked the news to the Daily Telegraph back in July). As someone who, for whatever reason, found herself watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show year after year, the news is bittersweet. Sure, I won’t be subjected to a parade of damaging body standards that leave me seriously considering an all-soup diet, but I also won’t get to see Kendall Jenner wearing a space bra covered in glitter.
Obviously, I’m kidding. I will not miss wasting three hours on this event, which I inevitably would have done because I’m a sick millennial who is addicted to screens. But in honor of this iconic show’s demise, here are five iconic lies they’ve told us over the years. Here’s hoping the Hadid sisters use the show’s end as an excuse to let loose and try a piece of cheese.
1. This Is What Normal People Look Like In Underwear
Let’s be clear: I’m not saying that nobody looks like this. Some people do! And all 20 of them are in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yes, there are a blessed few who pop out of the womb with the genetics to be 5’10 and 119 pounds, but for most of us, that is just not happening. And for the people who are 5’1o and 119 pounds? Yeah, they mostly don’t look like this:
Anyway, back to watching Netflix on my couch wondering why I don’t have a six pack even though I went to the gym for 20 minutes three months ago.
2. This Is An Appropriate Costume
Yeah…don’t do this. Don’t even think about doing this. Unless you’re actually Native American*, in which case do whatever the hell you want. You’ve been through a lot. This photo is of Karlie Kloss from the 2012 VS Fashion Show, approximately 500 years after Columbus sailed the ocean blue and made this not okay to do. (Rhyme intended.) Funnily enough, Karlie stopped walking for VS in 2014 after “studying feminist theory” at NYU and realizing it sent harmful messages to young girls. Models! They’re just like us! (Getting woke after taking one women’s studies class in college.)
Also, anyone who wants to comment on this post saying VS was just trying to “honor” Native American culture is welcome to do so, but they also legally must Venmo me $12. Call it an ignorance tax.
*finding out you’re .00007% Chippewa on 23andMe doesn’t count.
3. This Is What A 37-Year-Old Woman Looks Like
This photo is from last year’s show, where a 37-year-old Adriana Lima walked her final runway. Now, I’m not saying that a woman in her late thirties can’t be a gorgeous, sexy, sensual being in the prime of their life. But what we see above is an actual abomination of nature. A gorgeous abomination, sure. But an abomination nonetheless. For reference, here is what I, a 29-year-old woman, will look like in exactly one year talking about the time I went to Bonnaroo:
Time is a cruel mistress.
4. Trans Women Can’t Be Fantasies
#TBT to a little over one year ago, when Victoria’s Secret was forced to issue an apology after Ed Razek, the guy literally known as “the man behind the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show,” said he would never allow “transexuals” (his word, not ours) to walk the catwalk because the show “is a fantasy.” He then went on to say the same thing about plus-size models.
First of all, trans women are women and plus-size women are women and the whole point of the show is to sell clothes to women, so wtf are you even talking about? Second of all, anyone who doesn’t think plus-sized or trans women can be “a fantasy” is a narc who has never even glanced at porn.
Anyway, Razek left L Brands this August, and shortly before his departure, Victoria’s Secret hired Valentina Sampaio (pictured above) as their first trans model. You simply love to see it.
5. This Is What Running Into Your Ex Is Like
We couldn’t talk about the VS Fashion Show without mentioning the iconic moment, also known as “the only good thing that happened in the year 2016.” Let’s set the scene: Bella Hadid and The Weeknd had been dating for a year when they split up just a month before Bella’s first-ever VS Fashion Show. They were then reunited live on stage as Bella made her VS debut looking like a low-carb snack. And thus a million revenge fantasies were born.
Unfortunately, a moment like this is not available to the vast majority of the population. For us non-models, reuniting with an ex looks more like running into them with their new girlfriend while we are making a tampon run in old sweatpants. But this moment was amazing television, and almost makes the 23 years of toxic beauty standards and bad body image worth it. Almost.
Images: Giphy (4)
