Another day, another Kardashian/Jenner abusing the laws of physics. Seriously, guys, if you quit posting horrible edits, I might have to actually get a real job. Thanks for keeping my paychecks coming! Anyway, as we well know, basic laws of the universe just don’t apply to the Kar/Jenner Klan. Their asses warp walls, they make millions from posting about diarrhea tea, Kim even gets people out of jail now. Actually, that one makes me really like her, like good for you for using your powers for good for once instead of telling women they need appetite suppressing lollipops. But today, the Jenner girls are once again abusing all that is science. Nothing is sacred in this family, especially not anatomy.
Is this physics? Maybe it’s more biology? Don’t know, I was an art major. But, guys, I hate to have to tell you this, but Kendall and Kylie Jenner somehow got into some freak accident and have now become joined at the hip. Literally.
My first reaction upon seeing this: What the f*ck exactly am I even looking at? It’s basically a Jenner octopus—just like, limbs all over the place. A Jennerpus. Nope, sorry, that is definitely the inevitable sex tape one of them will release in the near future. It’s an OctoJenner. Our new favorite sea critter! Whatever you want to call it, it is weird, and it’s a super strange ad.
Like, what are they trying to sell us? Apparently the new fall collection for the Kendall and Kylie line? One, I did not know this was still a thing, does Pacsun still carry it? Does Pacsun still exist, actually? Do the youths shop there? Two, they’re not even wearing pants. Like, what are they selling? This is not an appropriate fall outfit, even in SoCal. Their fall line consists of sheer tops, animal print panties/bikini bottoms, and a single Minion-yellow sweater? And a cowboy hat? Really?
That aside, this is just the strangest photo ever. I would like to compliment that at least the girls have a normal width-to-thigh ratio instead of the toothpick Facetune work they’re so fond of, but the perspective is so badly warped that what we are looking at makes no sense. Kendall’s knee is bigger than her face. Her hand is also enormous due to the distortion. Who was like, “yes, the perfect shot”—to sell clothing, no less—”is to take the picture vagina first. Everything should be at vagina-eye level”? I mean. What?
And it’s not just the director of this photoshoot that done f*cked up. THE EDITING. Where to even begin with the editing? If someone handed me this photo to retouch, I’d just throw it away. It’s too weird to even try to fix. The first thing is that I’m not sure they were even photographed on this backdrop. Which is weird, because it’s a really plain, easy-to-shoot backdrop. But they look like they were cut out and pasted on it. The lines around them are blurred and smoothed and flat in places that don’t make sense. Kylie’s hair is blowing in the wind, but only on the bottom half? The top half has clearly been cut from another image. I’m not even convinced they were both in the original photo. It almost seems like they cut two separate photos of the girls in weird pretzel positions and spliced them together. Or maybe just swapped out the heads?
Like, look at this:
In drawing, this is a big no-no. You never want tangent lines because they look unrealistic and confusing. You’re telling me Kendall’s hat just happened to end at the same super-smooth angle of her hair? And then there are a couple random strands placed back in. What did they cut her out of? Why didn’t they just take the photo on the backdrop? Did they just swap her face from a different photo and do it very poorly? The world will never know.
But that’s not all!
This one is funny, because I have opposing feedback for this portion of the photo. One part is too much editing and the other part is not enough. The too much is… why is Kylie’s ass glowing? Yes, I realize she paid a lot for it, and asses are their brand, but like… they literally just backlit only her butt cheek? I don’t understand? The photo has been lit in front of them, that’s why we can see shadows behind them. #Science. So. There should a shadow behind her ass, not a new source of lighting? Once again, science does not apply to this family. Unless Kylie has her own butt light at photoshoots now, which I wouldn’t really put past her, tbh.
This almost never happens, but Kendall’s hand behind Kylie is where I would actually criticize not enough editing. This looks f*cking weird. It also distorts where they are in space to me—like again, were they photographed together? I usually hate when limbs are edited out because it often looks really horrible and like there is clearly an arm missing. But in this case, Kendall is hidden enough by Kylie that we didn’t need to see her single finger poking out of Kylie’s asshole to understand that her arm is back there somewhere. This should have been edited out, 100%. It just looks wrong.
But here’s my favorite part:
WHAT has happened here? Kylie’s knee is literally growing into Kendall’s arm. What could they possibly have meant to do to result in Kylie’s knee disintegrating and blurring into Kendall’s wrist? I don’t even have answers here, but it again leads me to believe they didn’t take the photo together and then the editor didn’t know how to make it look realistic that Kendall’s arm is over the leg, so they just sorta… smashed it all together. It looks like her knee is cartoon chewing gum.
IDK girls, maybe next time you try to sell us clothing, strongly consider wearing the clothing in a cute way so we can see what it looks like on. Instead of posing in bikini bottoms on top of each other but not actually in the same room as each other. But if you don’t, at least I have job security.
Is the worst Photoshop job you’ve seen in a while? Did you notice immediately what was wrong with the photo? Do you think posing as pretzels is a weird way to sell clothes, or that it’s weird to lay on top of your sister when you’re both only wearing thongs on bottom? LMK!
On a body-positive note, Kim Kardashian did a whole tutorial today about the extensive process she uses to make her boobs not sag in certain outfits. I actually really love this. Look, we all have boob sag, we all have issues with backless or super low-cut clothing. My advice is to say f*ck it and wear it anyway. Kim’s method looks like it hurts and takes up a lot of time. But if you’re going to do some trickery like taping your nipples and boobs together to make them look propped up, being open about it is pretty cool. You can do whatever you want with your body, but I feel like most of the toxicity comes from the idea that this is what women are supposed to look like naturally, and how you look is “wrong”, especially when coming from a public figure. At least talking openly about it—even if she’s only doing it to charge you a ton of money for literal tape—shows that all women have this problem and no one has perfect boobs. Good job, Kim!
Images: Instagram (@kendallandkylie), (@kimkardashian); Giphy (2)
There’s no better part of Halloween than getting the chance to judge everyone’s costume choices. Who’s going as a basic slutty cat and who will wildly offend everyone at the party? But of course, the most intriguing and expensive costumes come from celebs. So who better to judge than the Kardashians? Year after year, the Kardashians tend to go all out—especially Kim. At press time, Kim has not yet posted a picture of her Halloween costume, but we’re sure it’s going to be iconic. Some of her best past looks were Jasmine from Aladdin, a mermaid (but like, not in a basic way), and Poison Ivy, so we can’t wait to see what she’s going to do this year. But the other Kardashians posted their Halloween costumes, so we get to judge those. Who did it best? Here is our ranking of the Kardashian Halloween costumes.
1. Kylie And Stormi
Obviously, first place must go to the butterfly duo of Kylie and Stormi. If this isn’t mommy-daughter goals, IDK what is. Ky went full-out and DIYed had someone make her beautiful wings. Of course, her mini-me had to look just as ~fly~ with her own set of baby wings. In true Kylie fashion, the base of her outfit (a skin-tight bodysuit) is understated but still serving major MILF vibes. Points for attention to detail with Stormi’s hairclip, perfectly matching her attire and Kylie’s butterfly details on her shoes.
2. Khloé And True
A very close second place goes to the Mama Koko and True! These two went for the matching bodysuit tiger look. Initially, we were disappointed by Khloé’s lack of creativity (a unicorn is basic, sorry), but she really one-upped herself. Khloé’s makeup is also fantastic and really makes her look like a YouTuber sexy tiger. But can someone please tell her The Lion King is about lions, not tigers. So like the circle of life lift doesn’t totally apply…cute pic either way though.
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Happy Halloween part 2 from Baby True ???????????? (I swear she loves dressing up!)
3. Khloé And True
In third place, below themselves, are Khloé and True in their unicorn outfits. Just when you thought True couldn’t get more adorable, she literally became a stuffed animal. Her cheeks might be the most perfect things I have her seen. I just want to pinch them! Wait, who am I? Anywho… Mama Koko kept it cute with her matching onesie, but still managed to glam it up with some jewelry and a matching manicure. Also, a special shout-out to Chicago for making an appearance in her own unicorn headband.
4. Kylie
Back on the list in third place is Kylie for her solo Barbie look. Although the costume on its own wouldn’t be that impressive, Kylie went for it and added in the whole f*cking box. You also KNOW she didn’t wear that sh*t out, so that was totally for the Insta. That’s what Halloween looks like when you’ve got 900 million followers, I guess? Points also go to her for the slightly ironic caption, because truly, her life in plastic really is fantastic.
5. Saint
Not gonna lie, Saint’s costume was kind of lame, but he’s too cute to be in the last place. According to Kim’s caption, Saint is supposed to be a pumpkin, but like, maybe a Yeezy baby pumpkin? I’m all here for the minimalist Halloween looks, but I feel like Saint is for sure capable of producing a more extravagant look. Perhaps there’s more to come…we’ll be waiting!
6. Kendall
Our bottom of the list is, unfortunately, Kendall for her basic AF Austin Powers sex-doll costume. Usually, this would be fine and totes creative, but it looks like she bought it from Dolls Kill and put literally no money effort into her look at all. Listen Kenny, when your job is basically to post Instas, at least give us something with a little more wow. But I mean, if you want to dress up as Kendall as a fembot, you can go buy it on sale.
Images: kendalljenner, kimkardashian, kyliejenner (2), khloekardashian / Instagram
I know at this point you’re probably sick of me/your mom/your grandmother/your coworkers/me again talking about Kylie Jenner. Trust, I am too. Yet here we are. Talking about Kylie Jenner has become an inescapable feat because Kylie Jenner is the ubiquitous presence we never asked for, but kind of 100 percent deserve. She’s the reality star version of Donald Trump. Oh wait…
Anyway, today I’m here to hit you with a the hard-hitting questions regarding Juvederm’s best client. In light of a recent interview she had with Violet Grey, it’s come to my attention that we might be looking at Kylie Jenner in all the wrong ways. And no, I’m not insinuating that we look less at her ass or her insane lips because that would be pretty tough and I don’t believe in miracles or straining my eyes.
In this groundbreaking interview, Kylizzle “opened up” about her life, i.e. talked about her Lip Kits and danced around subjects that don’t mean shit, i.e. said nothing that hasn’t already been said in a previous interview. There have been countless Kylie Jenner magazine interviews, tons of social media coverage of the girl (self-directed), and hours and hours of footage of her life—yet, what do we really know about Kylie Jenner? Almost nothing. I really couldn’t tell you much about her, even though I—for some reason I can’t totally understand—despise this 19-year-old woman whom I’ve never met.
But, how can I—and we—really hate someone we don’t know? And where has that hate gotten us? It’s only fueled more goddamn Kylie Jenner. Think of it this way: Kylie Jenner is Tinkerbell and we are the claps.*
*Not to be confused with the clap. Don’t be gross.
Hate her or really hate her, Kylie Jenner obviously makes a fuck ton of money. She’s the second richest Kardashian and the only teenager in Forbes‘s 2017 “30 under 30.” There’s no denying the insane amount of social media followers and immeasurable influence Kylie has on the zeitgeist. (By zeitgeist I mostly mean injection world.) But did all of this really happen because Kylie Jenner willed it to? Or did she just get lucky by being born into the Jenner clan? Does she actually work hard? Does she actually work at all? And if so, why do none of us respect her business and fame in the same way we respect and equally fear Bethenny Frankel’s?
In other words, is Kylie Jenner successful because we hate her or do we hate her because she’s successful?
Here, we use the highlights of the aforementioned interview to further our analysis.
1. Kylie, saying the following profound thing: “Social media is everything to me. It can also be a negative space for celebrities. But what would we do without it?”
IDK READ A BOOK?
2. Kylie, explaining her business process: “I always knew I wanted to create my own lipstick. I said, ‘We need to trademark Kylie Lip Kit’—that was what I wanted to call it.”
A real Alexander Graham Bell, folks.
3. Kylie, explaining the perils of having thin lips: “I was obsessed with lips in general, and with making my lips bigger before I got them injected.”
No way….I am shocked. SHOCKED.
4. Kylie, explaining the basic concept of demand: “If I look in my bag and there’s no lipstick, I’m like, ‘What am I going to do with no lipstick?’ I NEED lipstick.”
I need a fucking glass of wine right now, but I’m not about to go and make a whole Pinot line. What is this logic, besides privileged?
5. Lastly, the article claims that “all three women” (that’s Kris Jenner, Kylie’s business partner, and apparently Kylie) “agree that the key to Jenner’s success is her authenticity.”
Literally no one—not even Kris Jenner—would be able to look you in the eyes and claim that Kylie’s gotten to where she is because of her AUTHENTICITY. And Kris is a woman who acted like her husband didn’t want to change genders for 20 years. In other words, she’s a v good actress.
Kylie Jenner doesn’t have authenticity because to have authenticity you have to show that you have a soul and/or a personality. Or at least fake one for your fans. But if all you can talk about is your lips, your supposed work ethic, and how hard it is to be in the spotlight, then you are not being authentic. Who is Kylie Jenner? Show us who you are Kylie! Stop hiding!
Original inquiry: Is Kylie Jenner successful because we hate her or do we hate her because she’s successful?
Final Verdict: Not applicable. We don’t hate Kylie Jenner. We don’t even know who Kylie Jenner is.*
*I may or may not be very high right now, so alternate theories include but are not limited to: We hate Kylie Jenner because she’s annoying and not a good lip-syncer. Or we hate Kylie Jenner because hating people is fun, despite what your wet blanket of a mom told you.
Thought Kendall and Kylie Jenner were nutritionally deficient social media slaves who haven’t eaten a carb in over five years? Think again! At the Golden Globes afterparty on Sunday night, the two Kardashian sisters were candidly photographed eating pizza at a perfect 45 degree angle, and the whole situation could not look more natural.
Kendall & Kylie Jenner eating pizza at a Globes after-party is the best https://t.co/q5pFbLuTxe pic.twitter.com/4bKWWHDWNk
— Huffington Post (@HuffingtonPost) January 9, 2017
After a bystander gently explained to Kylie that the crust side goes on the bottom, she was able to effortlessly hold the slice merely two inches from her mouth. This definitely isn’t the first time she’s ever encountered pizza and she obviously knows how to eat it. She’s just waiting for further instructions to test everyone else to see if they know.
Kendall, meanwhile, couldn’t wait to take her first fake bite and dove right in before her sister. She shrugged her shoulders and gave an eye roll as if to say, “I’m not ashamed of my 00 sized figure,” and “Models eat junk food all the time. We are naturally perfect and Photoshop isn’t real, sorry.”
Who would’ve thought that two of the most high-profile family members in Hollywood would be so down-to-earth? There aren’t even any crusts lying around, which means they probably ate those too. Damn ladies, save some for the rest of us!
