It’s been quite a year over here at Betches. We’ve had a lot of highs, and I guess some lows because nobody is perfect, not even me (or so my therapist says). If we make it into 2018, we’ll definitely look back at this past year as important—probably for bad reasons, like this was the year we plunged ourselves into a nuclear war, but important nonetheless. We’ve taken a number of walks down memory lane in regards to the past year. We recalled the most scandalous celebrity breakups, the worst beauty and fashion trends, and the craziest political moments. But now it’s time to talk about us, Betches. When were we at our best? What articles did you all love? Let’s reminisce on the most popular articles of the past year.
10. A Breakdown Of The Army Of Skanks Competing For Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s Heart On ‘The Bachelor’
We broke down Arie’s contestants in only the way we could: by making snap character judgments based on the answers to a few superficial questions.
9. The Teen Dramas That Defined Our Youth, Ranked By Betchiness
Were you a One Tree Hill ride-or-die? A Gossip Girl ….girl? Whatever your overly dramatic program of choice, find out how it ranks by what’s important: betchiness factor.
8. Your Friend Who Orders Gin & Tonics Is A Psychopath, According To Science
We won’t say how (read the article), but a scientific study basically proved that people who drink gin are legit crazy. Just what I suspected all along.
7. Ranking ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants By Betchiness
We ranked Nick’s Bachelor contestants by betchiness, but mostly we judged the shit out of them. It was a simpler time when the worst thing to happen on television was Nick Viall being the Bachelor.
6. Mattel Just Released A New Line Of Ken Dolls And They’re All Fuckboys
Mattel tried to modernize Ken, and ended up creating a line of dolls who all will text you “U up?” at 2am. It was our best doll roast since the American Girl Dolls.
5. The SVU Detectives Ranked From Worst To Best
We ranked the dedicated detectives who make up the elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit from worst to best. These are our stories. Dun dun.
4. Flashback Friday: The Most Ridiculous ‘Sex And The City’ Quotes
This was an oldie we brought back and revamped in 2017. You’re welcome. Going through this list, I’m not sure why we ever thought SATC was good.
3. 15 Signs You’re Dating A Fuckboy
2017 has been the year of the fuckboy. From Dean Unglert to the Pussy Grabber-In-Chief, fuckboys have abounded. But we’ve gotten smarter: we’ve named them, and we here at Betches have given you all the telltale signs of what to look for in a fuckboy.
2. American Girl Dolls Ranked By Betchiness
Yes, we first wrote this a while ago, and we actually brought it back in 2016, but y’all motherfuckers can’t get enough of this roast of your favorite childhood dolls.
1. A Bro’s Ranking Of ‘The Bachelor’ Contestants
The American Girl Dolls got beat out by Jared Fried’s roast of the girls competing for Nick Viall’s heart on last season of The Bachelor. It’s just as much fun to read through now, knowing who wins, as it was back then.
Mattel, aka the company that introduced us to Barbie and unrealistic beauty standards for women, just released a new line of Ken dolls featuring 15 “new looks” for Ken and every single one of them looks like they’re personal friends with Nick Viall. Last year, in an effort to make Barbie more diverse, Mattel did a similar remake for Barbie, debuting a variety of new skin tones and body shapes. Now, the company is looking to do the same for Ken, except this time it appears their theme was less about “diversity” and more about “dudes who would snap you a dick pic after one meeting.” Somebody at Mattel clearly took those RompHim ads to heart. I wouldn’t be surprised if each one of these new dolls came with a voice box that said stuff like, “I’m sure I have a condom somewhere,” and “She’s like a sister to me!” No word yet one what accessories these new Ken dolls come with, but I’m fairly sure they each have a fidget spinner, android phone, and a pocket full of dirty-ass change that will get all over the place when they pass out fully clothed on Barbie’s bed.
Much like the fuckboys we meet IRL, Mattel’s new Fuckboy Ken collection represents the full range of shitty dudes we’ve all had the pleasure of meeting in our twenties. Each of these new Kens is their own special fuckboy snowflake, so here is our breakdown of each of these new Kens and how his relationship with Barbie will probably play out.
Festival Fuckboy Ken
Malibu Barbie met this Ken at Coachella when the two of them briefly touched hands while buying molly from the same guy. After blacking out and losing their friends, the two of them spent a whirlwind afternoon hopping from tent to tent, making out in public, and posting approximately 200,000 Instagrams together with captions like #soulmates and #festivallove. By the end of the night one, they decided they were in love, but are separated when Barbie’s drunk AF friends finally find her and Skipper pukes on his shoes. Barb will spend the next week pretending to not think about him when she’s really thinking about him non-stop, only to run into him on the second weekend rolling face with a Bratz doll. The Bratz doll will introduce herself as Ken’s girlfriend, and Ken will call Barbie “Britney” by mistake. Barbie will then spend the next 20 minutes deleting all the evidence of their affair and will miss Chance The Rapper’s set because she was so pissed.
College Fuckboy Ken
Barbie dated Ken for the majority of college. And by “dated” I mean “would hook up with him every weekend and get in public fights at the campus Starbucks during the week.” Despite the fact that he and Barbie have attended every frat and sorority event together and she’s spent the past three 4th of Julys at the beach with his family, Ken refuses to let Barbie say that she is his girlfriend and regularly attempts to slide into her friend’s DMs. Barbie will finally become his girlfriend after Ken sees her at the club breathing next to another guy and loses his shit. The two of them are married now and their entire friend group is really concerned for their future children.
Friend Zoned Fuckboy Ken
Barbie has been friends with this Ken for years and while of course she knows he’s totally in love with her, she just tries to ignore that and keep things friendly. One night after a particularly bad fight with College Fuckboy Ken, Barbie will have one too many glasses of Champagne and make out with Friend Zone Ken after he tells her should be treated “like a princess” or some shit. Barbie will immediately regret this and invite Ken to coffee to talk it out, at which point he’ll totally fucking lose it and start crying in a Grumpy’s. Barbie will spend the rest of college avoiding eye contact with him and Ken will get super involved in a Men’s Rights Activism page on Reddit.
Maybe Gay Fuckboy Ken
Things were going great between Barbie and this Ken until her gay BFF, Earring Magic Ken, took her aside to say that he saw her new Ken’s torso on Grindr. The two of them then set out on an elaborate scheme to catch Ken in his lies, but ultimately chicken out before actually inviting him over and just kind of agree to share him. Barbie continued dating him for another six months and it’s low-key the healthiest relationship she’s ever had.
Religious Fuckboy Ken
Barbie met this fuckboy when she accidentally showed up early to a house party. The two of them made small talk on a roof which turned into a deep chat that had her so distracted thinking about their future wedding that she didn’t realize he was drinking water, and not straight vodka like her. After two full hours of chatting about the meaning of life, Barbie hit him with a “Do you want to come back to my place?” to which he’ll reply, “Actually I don’t do that but I’d love to invite you to come to church with me on Sunday.” Then Barbie will jump off the roof and die.
Foreign Fuckboy Ken
Barbie met this Ken while spring breaking in Ibiza. At first he set off her gaydar, but then she realized he was just European. While he has literally no personality and barely speaks English, he’s hot and has a cool accent and knows club promoters so she just kind of rolled with it. His name is Stefano…or Sergio? Or maybe it’s just Steve. Barbie can’t remember. Either way, the two will part ways on good terms, making tentative plans that they know will never happen to visit each other in the future. He still likes some of her Insta posts, but only the really thot-y ones.
Rich Fuckboy Ken
This guy is literally the worst, but Barbie entertains his presence because he’s rich AF and pays for everything. Though she knows in her heart that she’s only being invited to “chill” on his yacht because 10 other Barbies said no, she agrees to go mainly for the Instas. She’ll entertain the idea of marrying him but then they’ll talk for five minutes and she’ll be like “fuck that” and hook up with one of his friends instead. This happens once a year and Barbie kind of loves it.
Secret Fuckboy Ken
Barbie only agreed to go out with this Ken after a particularly enlightening drunk brunch where she promised her entire friend group she was done with fuckboys and would only date nice guys from now on. Sadly, he turned out to be the greatest fuckboy of all. Between never texting back and sending her Facebook invites for his improv shows, this Ken will somehow manage to take up a year and half of Barbie’s precious time. He’ll end up dumping Barbie for a high school senior who thinks he’s “sooooooo interesting” and Barbie will be forced to side-eye all of his Facebook statuses about being a male feminist for the rest of her days on this Earth.
This Ken doll is just Dean. Barbie fell in love with him on The Bachelorette, just like all the rest of us, and is eagerly awaiting the end of the season so she can find out if he’s single and start desperately tweeting selfies at him until he blocks her.
The Wanna-Be Fuckboy Ken
Barbie met this fuckboy when she was looking for something casual and he gave every indication that he was going to deliver. Before they even hooked up he told her he wanted “something casual” and she agreed because that was legit what she wanted. To her horror, Barbie woke up the day after their “casual” hookup to find him standing over her bed with a three course breakfast and a look that said, “I want to wear your skin, my beautiful, beautiful bride.” Barbie will spend the next three years ghosting this guy, always thinking that she’s done with him until one morning out of the blue she gets a random text that says “wat went wrong?” and she’ll know he’s back again. They’ll meet again 10 years in the future when he shows up out of nowhere to object at her wedding.
Shared Fuckboy Ken
Barbie and all of her friends have at least had some kind of romantic encounter with this Ken. It’s kind of a joke, actually. Every pregame Barbie’s friend group will gather together and see who got a DM from him this weekend. Barbie and co. usually go along with it because he’s actually pretty fun to hang out with and it’s not that serious. Eventually Midge will catch feelings and ruin the whole thing for everyone. Fucking Midge.
Sexy Barista Fuckboy Ken
This Ken just started working at Barbie’s fave coffee shop and she is living for it. Barbie has told all of her friends about him and has memorized his work schedule so that she can stop by and stare at him. After months of reading wayyyy too much into his latte art, Barbie will spot him at a club but will be too fucked up at that point to talk to him. The next day she’ll show up for his usual shift at the coffee shop only to find out that he moved to Portland. She’ll spend the rest of her life being 99% sure that he was The One.
King Fuckboy Ken
After you defeat all the fuckboys, you must face the final King Fuckboy Ken. Barbie literally can’t even remember how she met this fuckboy. It was like one day she woke up and suddenly there he was, in her bed, dropping hints that she should go on the pill. Barbie allows this behavior to continue because he smells good and is p. decent in bed, but she never gets attached. One day he’ll just straight-up disappear and she’ll be totally fine with that. She’ll think of him fondly every time she goes to her annual gynecologist appointment and miraculously is declared clean of all STDs.