As a self-confessed Bravoholic, I revel in the happenings on our favorite Bravo shows, whether it’s the idiocy of Puppygate in last season’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or the garbage men that run rampant on every season of Southern Charm. And while I know a mother isn’t supposed to reveal her favorite child, I must confess that Vanderpump Rules is my personal jewel in the crown. From the moment it premiered seven years ago, the show has given us more drama than any scripted series ever could and a cast of beautiful surgically-enhanced train wrecks you can’t tear your eyes away from. In honor of the premiere of Vanderpump Rules season 8, I’ve rounded up the most under-appreciated moments of the series.
8. Scheana’s Crop Top Wedding Dress
Ms. Scheana Marie Jancan Shay is known for her many misguided choices. These usually involve men who are unavailable, either because they’re married or vying for camera time simply not that into her. However, the most embarrassing thing she’s ever done on the show was wear a crop top wedding gown in season 3. I’d describe it for you, but I’ll leave it to Stassi, who summed it up better than I ever could:
7. Story Time With Lala
Lala Kent is nothing if not an enigma. One minute, she’s masquerading as the show’s feminist hero, and the next she is completely unaware of what cis privilege means. In a scene from season 4 that is not discussed nearly enough, she beautifully showcases this when talking about the book she’s currently reading: “I was given a book called Fountainhead, which is by Ayn Rand. It’s a philosophical book and it’s about architecture and architects.” Sounds like the book report of a 9-year-old who didn’t read the book and put the movie on in the background while texting, but sure. I’ll leave it at that, because I don’t want to “get popped.”
6. Ariana, Feminist Hero
Season 7 was a breakout season for Ariana, not only because she showed us she’s more intelligent than her fellow SURvers by leaps and bounds, but also because she’s been open and honest about her sexuality and stood up for her trans castmate, Billie Lee. I especially appreciated her candor on being reluctant to get married and have children despite constant questions and pressure from the other cast members, including her own boyfriend: “Before I would even be comfortable considering the idea of having kids, I would need to check off all the places I wanna go in the world, which is kind of all of them. And I would also just like, I don’t know, want to?” Sorry Lala, but this is actually what a feminist looks like.
5. The Number One Guy In This Group
There’s never been anyone on television quite like Jason Michael Cauchi Jax Taylor. In season 4 he proved that his words could be just as unpredictable as his behavior during a conversation with Schwartz and Sandoval about Schwartz and Katie’s dysfunctional relationship. Schwartz gets up to take a break from the drama, and Jax utters the following to Sandoval in a glorious coke-induced rage: “Dude, stop acting like you’re the number one f*cking guy in this group, man. I’m the number one guy in this group!” The seriousness with which he delivers this absurd proclamation, with not even an iota of irony, is nothing short of magical.
4. James Kennedy’s Impersonations
Love him or hate him, James has delivered some of the best lines on this show (“PUMP-TINI!” “It’s not about the pasta!”). But less acknowledged and equally hysterical are his impressions of his fellow castmates. His impersonation of Stassi on the ground, literally “crawling back from New York” on the season 5 reunion was so hilarious that even Stassi couldn’t help but laugh. My personal favorite, however, is his reenactments of both Brittany and Jax reacting to the revelation of the infamous Jax-Faith recording. His “WHHHYYY?!?” is enough to convince me that he should star in the next reboot of A Streetcar Named Desire. Don’t @ me.
3. Sandoval’s Dramatic Drag Show
Joint bachelor/bachelorette parties are rarely a good idea, especially when the couple in question transforms into the worst versions of themselves after a couple shots of tequila. That said, we’re forever indebted to Katie and Schwartz for giving us what is perhaps Sandoval’s most melodramatic moment on this show, which is saying something. The image of him dressed in drag like a bootleg Sia and referring to his best friend as a “battered wife!” will forever be etched in the darkest recesses of my brain. The juxtaposition of his insane getup and the earnestness of his message is more than any of us deserve. We really are living in the golden age of television.
2. Jax and Faith’s Captive Audience
When it came out that Jax cheated on Brittany with Faith, the rest of the cast was downright shocked. Maybe it was because they collectively bought into the storyline genuinely believed that Jax was a changed man (LOL). However, not one person brought up the most horrifying detail of the encounter: that this all went down while Faith was inexplicably charged with the live-in care for a 95-year-old woman. Umm, WTF?! I can’t even begin to fathom how Faith was approved for this gig in the first place. We can only hope the poor woman was hopped up on one of her prescriptions and slept through this heinous encounter.
Actual footage of me watching this episode:
1. The Montages
The Vanderpump Rules editors (and Bravo editors in general) are the true unsung heroes of the show. They’re our Greek chorus, always ready to point out the cast’s lack of self-awareness, whether it’s a montage of every moment Sandoval got emotional during the entire run of the series, Kristen’s seasonal psychotic breaks, or the 48 tequila shots Schwartz took in Mexico leading him to wander off to a completely different hotel. Editors, we thank you for your service.
Of course, there are far too many gems that could’ve been included, but I have a day job and some semblance of a life. What underrated Vanderpump Rules moments did I miss (other than “Suck a dick,” “I am the devil, and don’t you forget it” and “I don’t know what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio”—none of those are underrated). Let me know in the comments!
Images: Tommy Garcia/Bravo; Giphy (4); Tenor (2); Adderall and Compliments (2); badgalriri / Instagram
Because Vanderpump Rules is more dramatic than any soap opera on TV these days, it’s easy to forget that the whole SUR crew are real people living in the same world as us. I don’t know if I would be friends with them in real life, but I am glad that all of these psychos have access to Twitter. After last night’s episode, in which some major sh*t went down during Pride, we got some delightful reactions from the cast on Twitter, and it’s big drama.
First out of the gate, we got Katie, responding to James body shaming her on the episode. This is a classic move for drunk James, going back to season four, when he and Lala told the other girls that they needed to work on their summer bodies. Last night, he told Katie that her shorts weren’t flattering, which is f*cked up and also pretty untrue. Someone on Twitter called James out for his behavior, and Katie quickly responded by calling James “human filth.” Damn, I wonder how she really feels.
He’s human filth. https://t.co/U2R6P48Mim
— Katie Maloney (@MusicKillsKate) December 11, 2018
Whether or not James deserves to be the major villain on this season, I’m glad Katie is calling him out for this behavior. We can all agree that body shaming is totally uncool, and he needs to stop.
The more wild moment in last night’s episode came when Kristen came to SUR during Pride to stir up some major sh*t. Honestly, what else is new. She brought Hope, who allegedly slept with James, to confront both him and Raquel about his cheating. Cheating is a messed up thing to do, but Kristen, read the f*cking room. Pride is not the time to do this, use your brain. Billie Lee clearly feels the same way, and she ripped into Kristen for trying to ruin the day instead of celebrating the LGBTQ community.
Really @kristendoute Pride is a day to celebrate the lgbtq community instead you ambush @itsjameskennedy about something two years ago! No regard for the truth or Raquel’s feelings. Also let’s pray for Hope like who brags about sleeping w/ a guy while his GF’s in the other room.
— Billie Lee (@ItsMeBillieLee) December 11, 2018
Crazy Kristen definitely deserves this, but I’m also loving Billie’s prayers for Hope. Seriously, it’s very weird how happy she was about throwing these cheating allegations in Raquel’s face, and I have some questions for her. It’s also important to note that James liked this tweet, so I don’t imagine he and Kristen will be patching things up anytime soon. I am shocked!!
We’re still only on the second week of the new season of Vanderpump Rules, so all of this drama won’t be ending any time soon. With enough Pumptinis (and maybe a little *pasta*), these morons are sure to get into many more heated arguments about absolutely nothing, and I personally can’t wait.
Images: @MusicKillsKate / Instagram; @ItsMeBillieLee / Instagram
Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz apparently celebrated their anniversary back in August, which I for one am impressed by, considering I didn’t think they would make it this long. But that’s not really why we’re here today—we’re here to talk about Katie and Tom having a baby. As we all know, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. So naturally, when the couple were asked about if there was a baby on the way, Katie said she’d like to have a baby with Tom “soonish”.
That’s right, folks, two people with implied drinking problems and zero real jobs are going to be having a baby. Okay, I guess Katie is technically a waitress, so that’s like, half a real job between them. But what is Tom’s job? We all know he’s not really going to manage a restaurant with Lisa Vanderpump when he couldn’t even hold down the bar at SUR for five minutes. And don’t even get me started on the drinking. Look, I’ve seen my parents drunk enough times to recognize it (even if my mom claims she “doesn’t get drunk”, she “just has fun”), and not once has my dad called my mom a bitch or my mom said my dad’s dick didn’t work. Can you imagine how much therapy I’d have to go through? Not enough in the world, even on an A-list reality TV show on a B-list network salary.
Katie and Tom attended the premiere of Lisa Vanderpump’s documentary The Road To Yulin and Beyond (sidenote: what is this documentary?), where they caught up with UsWeekly. Katie gushed, ”We’re just excited for our future together, and planning to eventually have a family, and buy a house and all that.” Geez, what does it say about the LA housing market if a married couple is still renting a year after being married? *Makes mental note to never move to LA* Just kidding, I’d never go there to begin with.
But Katie did say that although they eventually want kids, “We kind of want to just enjoy married life, just being the two of us for a while.” That’s fair. I don’t think the Vanderpump Rules producers are equipped to handle a pregnant Katie (would she be more or less insane than Tequila Katie?), and Stassi would probably have a complete psychotic break if her best friend got pregnant before she even could find a boyfriend. Which, like, I can relate to.
So are Katie and Tom popping out a kid on this season of Vanderpump Rules? No. Thank god. But if the past seasons are any indication, we can expect to see Katie harass Tom about trying for kids on a near-daily basis, set an ultimatum, and then let him surpass that ultimatum for like, a year, before he finally realizes his only options are “try for kids” or “leave”.
Anyway, congrats to the happy couple!
Earlier this summer, we broke the news that there’s a serious social divide between the cast of Vanderpump Rules. Okay, fine. Maybe we didn’t technically break it. But we were the betchiest and funniest about it, so there. Ha! ICYMI, Scheana was all of a sudden besties with Lala and reportedly hadn’t spoken to Stassi and Katie since the reunion. Ya know, the usual Bravo friend group dramz that we’ve all come to know and love. And if you’re like me, you’ve continued to obsessively stalk occasionally check all their social media to fill the void in your life that exists when VPR is off the air and you saw that last week the whole cast went to Mexico and something shocking happened. Shocking like Kristen banging Jax or Jax getting a porn star pregnant in Vegas? Not quite. But still… Lala appears to be friends with Stassi, Katie, and Kristen. And the crowd gasps in bewilderment.
At the beginning of the trip it looked like it was just the girls plus James minus Ariana—so pretty much still just the girls. Then the dudes and Ariana finally started posting shit, but that’s kind of irrelevant. At first there were only Snaps of Lala with Stassi and co., which tbh, isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, who doesn’t post a drunken story with their frenemy from time to time, amiright? But then the Insta posts started and our minds were blown.
RIGHT?!?! It’s insane. I mean, Stassi and Katie are one thing, but crazy-ass Kristen? And Lala? Friends? This mercury in retrograde shit is no fucking joke. In terms of social media, there was no sight of Scheana or Ariana letting their petty shit go, but whatever. They can go be lame af in the corner and talk about Scheana’s workout regimen and how Ariana is SO MUCH cooler than everyone else. Fucking yawn.
Obviously this raises a lot of questions. Is Lala still dating her married boyfriend? Is somebody going to get sued for violating the infamous NDA? Is this all a ploy to get Lala back on the show? (Probably.)
This just makes me even more excited for VPR to come back so Andy Cohen can just tell me wtf is going on instead of me having to be detective Benson over here and figure it out myself.
Last week our worlds were rocked we were not at all surprised to read that Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz might be getting a divorce. I mean, maybe it’s bad editing, but those two look miserable together a solid 98% of the time. Like, I’m no marriage counselor, but people who routinely get into screaming matches and call each other bitches on a regular basis do not exactly seem like the happiest of couples. I will now take my honorary armchair psychology degree, thank you very much. I guess the rumors were pretty bad, because Katie and Tom actually responded to the divorce rumors in a series of tweets. That, or they just haven’t been getting a lot of retweets lately since Vanderpump Rules hasn’t been on in like, months. Probably the latter tbh.
After we published our very believable and credible report on the divorce rumors, Katie and Tom literally responded to our very article via Twitter. Honestly, I’m adding this to my list of accomplishments under my resume, right above all the bullshit honors societies I was a member of in college. You hear that, mom? I’m famous on the radar of B-list reality TV stars!
Ya so anyway this is what they said:
Yeah so I mean, this is incredible for many reasons. The first being that Tom Schwartz noticed our tweet before Katie did. Like, we love Schwartz (which you would know if you read my recaps), but he’s not exactly Betches’ target audience. I would have expected Katie or even like, Kristen to have picked up on our story first, not Schwartz. This only makes things more amazing and I will be keeping this in mind for future recaps. I would have thought Katie just logged on to Schwartz’s Twitter account to post that reply if it weren’t for the fact that I can 100% hear Schwartz in my head being like “Noooo we are still going strong Bubba!!!” in his little softspoken, semi-whiney voice. You know, the one he does when he knows he’s fucked up but doesn’t want Katie to get mad at him? Yep. Not even a stretch of the imagination.
So there you have it, straight from the horses’ mouths. Tom and Katie are still together, for now. And to all the people who replied like “Good, don’t let the jealous haters get you down with these disgusting rumors,” I have a few things to say. One, people out here are accusing DeMario of sexual assault—I would hardly call reporting on a divorce rumor of a couple who willingly puts themselves and all their relationship problems into the spotlight “disgusting”. Bothersome, sure. Clickbaity, you bet. But disgusting? That’s extreme. Two, and most importantly:
So yes, thank you. Your hatred fills me with life and eternal youth. Namaste.
Around this time every year, I hit a no Vanderpump Rules depression. It hasn’t been on in a few months and we still have forever until it’s back. And, I mean, sure, there’s Southern Charm and all, but that’s not fucking the same. And don’t @ me about goddamn Jax and Brittany Take Kentucky or whatever that hillbilly shit is. It doesn’t count. It’s fake news. But thankfully, the Bravo gods heard our prayers and dropped some off-season dramz in our laps: It looks like Tom and Katie, who have been married less than year, might not be together anymore. Color me shocked. But just to be certain, we’ve taken all the evidence and broken it down so we can investigate ourselves. Feel free to add in the Law & Order dun-dun’s for dramatic effect.
Evidence Tom & Katie Broke Up
Exhibit A: Jax’s tweet
A few days ago, someone tweeted at Jax asking if TomKat had split and his response was “Yeah he dipped out of the country. He said f this and left. Apparently going on a poker tour was more important.” Okay. Tbh, this could be a joke. This is Jax we’re talking about here. The truth isn’t exactly his first language, but still. He’s also known for opening his big slutty mouth when he’s supposed to keep a secret. Let’s just say it’s enough to get people talking.
Exhibit B: They haven’t posted any photos together since March… until yesterday
If this was an everyday couple from, idk, Nebraska or something, this would be nbd. But these are bartender reality TV stars who live in LA. Not posting a pic together in four months is a more official sign of a breakup than fucking divorce papers. Yesterday she posted a solo pic of Schwartzy with a basic MCM caption. Vom. And like, couldn’t you be a little more convincing than a ‘Gram of him by himself without pants on? You’re clearly just trying to make it look like you’re still together. Fucking duh.
Exhibit C: Everything we saw on last season of VPR
Tbh, you shouldn’t even need exhibits A and B to believe that they’re dunzo. I mean, season 5 was evidence enough that these two are NOT meant to be together and will get divorced eventually. Sorry, naive fools optimists. It ain’t happening. Tom calls her a bitch every five seconds, Katie screams in public that his dick doesn’t work. Like, them calling it quits would hands down be the least shocking thing to happen so far this year by a fucking mile.
Evidence Tom & Katie Are Still Together
Exhibit A: Katie says the rumors are false
Or would this be Exhibit D? Idk. I’m not a lawyer. Since Jax’s tweet, Katie has been tweeting up a storm trying to make us all believe they’re still together. She tried the sarcastic route to make it look like the claims were ridic and even got Jax to chime in and make it look like a joke. Then went more serious calling an article about them breaking up fake news. Ya know, the usual celeb denial tour. Does this mean I believe her? Fuck no. But it has to be brought into evidence nonetheless. IMO, this is just to make us believe everything is wonderful in Bubba Land so by the time season 6 drops, their divorce is a big surprise and Katie still has the main storyline instead of it going back to being all about Stassi.
Exhibit B: According to the tweet, Schwartz is off playing poker.
You might be wondering how is this evidence one way or the other. And that’s because you’re not as obsessed with Vanderpump Rules smart as me. The fact is that Schwartz would be the world’s worst poker player. I mean, it’s almost laughable. First of all, he’s unemployed and therefore has no money. What official poker tour involves poor people? There isn’t one. Second, he can’t even handle the pressure of making a Pumptini without having a mental breakdown. How tf is he supposed to handle the pressure of gambling his life savings with a bunch of high rollers with guns? That’s a no from me, dawg.
The Verdict
Tom and Katie might not be divorcing yet, but it def won’t be long now. My guess is just in time for the season finale. And I plan to watch it all unfold when all is right with the world and Vanderpump Rules is back in a few months.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. That’s what lame cliché people say on the last night of camp, right? Well that’s how I felt on Monday watching the Vanderpump Rules finale. That is, until I remembered that season finales mean it’s reunion time, which is the greatest addition to reality TV since the dawn of fucking time. It’s pretty much just rehashing the same shit you got over months ago—except now, you get to see all the shit they talked behind each others’ backs all season. Bravo, Andy Cohen. Pun intended. Anyway, because we’re impatient af and ready for this shit show to get going already, we made some predictions for what’s going to go down. Bet you my trust fund we’re right about everything.
1. Tom & Katie Will Act Like Everything Is Perfect
Tom and Katie will do whatever it takes to try and convince us they’re living in marital bliss. This will also be complete and total bullshit. They’ll talk about how they’re soul mates and how after the wedding the stress was just washed away and they’ve been eating Maggiano’s and watching Netfix as husband and wife Bubbas ever since. But in reality Katie still thinks Tom cheated on her Vegas and thinks his dick doesn’t work (except in Vegas I guess), while he still refuses to get a job and resents Katie for spending $50 grand on a wedding when they’re like, kinda povo.
2. Scheana Will Have A Full-On Meltdown When Shay Comes In
It’s no secret that I think Scheana is the fucking worst. Anyone who won’t take a green tea shot on a girls’ trip to the Hamptons because she’s got a big workout in the morning is gonna get a no from me, dawg. Everyone knows green tea has a shit ton of antioxidants, therefore it’s healthy even in shot form. But anyway, because of Scheana’s being terrible, I’m convinced there’s more to this breakup than just “Shay sucks and Scheana is a victim.” I mean, she did try and force feed him 10 cocktails at their anniversary dinner after she found out he had an addiction problem. She’s terrible. We know Shay is making an appearance, which (hopefully) means that he’s actually going to speak for once. I’m planning on Shay serving up some truth tea.
3. Stassi Will Bitch & Moan About Being The Only Single One
Katie’s married, Lala is probs still “banging” that married dude, then there’s Ariana and Sandoval, Brittany and Jax, Kristen and Carter. Sheana who JUST got fucking divorced is dating someone already. Hell, even James “Fuckboy of the Century” Kennedy has a girlfriend rn. All this to say, there’s going to be at least three awkward jokes, two legit sobs and one therapy session starring little bro Nicolai regarding Stassi’s singleness. Stassi, you’ve been single for like, what, 21 weeks? Talk to me in 2 years.
4. Scheana Will Swear She Hasn’t Gotten Any Plastic Surgery
She’ll claim that she just lost weight and completely changed the structure of the bones in her face through exercise and diet. This too is complete and total bullshit. I’m sorry, but your face doesn’t morph into a legit spear from hitting the treadmill a few times a week. It just doesn’t. If that were possible, Kylie Jenner would have been all over it long ago. This part of the reunion will also be the part where I, and I highly recommend you as well, fast forward take a break to refill your wine.
5. Andy Cohen & Lisa Vanderpump Will Judge The Shit Out Of Everyone (And We Will Be Living For It)
This is a given. When you put a television genius and a legendary betch in the same room with morally corrupt, 30-something-year-old people who pretend to waitress and bartend for a living, there’s bound to be some shade thrown. Here’s hoping it results in some fire LVP gifs because my arsenal is running a little low these days. My money is that Andy will give some appropriately directed side-eye and Lisa will call Jax a dog at least three times before the reunion is over.
6. Ariana & Tom Will Get Badgered About Getting Married
She’s going to awkwardly dodge the question and he is going to pretend he doesn’t care when in reality he cares a lot. We will probably see a few (hundred) tears from the Sandoval camp. Now that one VPR couple is married (Scheana and Shay never counted because he’s not a real cast member) there’s gonna be a big push for another one to get married in the next couple seasons so the show can stay on the air. Jax is a no-go, and the entire planet couldn’t give less fucks about Kristen and Carter so the only viable option is Sandoval and Ariana. She doesn’t want to AT ALL, but he is thirsty af to marry her so expect it to get weird.
7. Scheana Will Try To Convince Us That It Was Totally Different When She Fucked A Married Guy
Tbh, I’m not 100% sure this will happen but I’m hoping to will it into existence by writing it down. Every time I watched Scheana talk shit about Lala allegedly dating a married guy I wanted to fucking scream. “That was only okay when I did it” — Janis Ian re: calling Damian “too gay to function” and Scheana Shay when justifying her affair with a married man, probably. Like, how is no one gonna point out the obvious here, except the writer who does our recaps? Scheana did the exact same fucking thing. I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS. I would have thought that if anything, Lala and Scheana would be BFF’s and swap like, tips on keeping secrets from people’s wives. I’m banking on some bored middle-aged woman from Oklahoma sending in a question about this or else I’m fucking done. Until next season, obv.
8. Brittany Will Trip Over Her Words
What will it be this time? “Misogyny”? “More Worse?” “Emotional Intelligence”? I know watching Brittany attempt to master the English language will give me a much-needed ego boost, I’m just not sure how exactly.
9. Lala Will Bring Up Her Anxiety
Again. And try to throw herself a little pity party onstage. I have a feeling she’ll try to justify her shady relationship with her anxiety. “You guys just don’t know what it’s like,” she’ll probably screech. Predictably, nobody will buy it.
10. Lala Will Continue To Deny That She’s Fucking A Married Guy
Despite the fact that literally all of us know that Lala’s fucking a married guy and we even know what his name is, she’ll probably continue to deny this no matter how much evidence points to the contrary. Like, Andy could play her sex tape at the reunion and she’d still sit there and deny it. I’m looking forward to the mental gymnastics she’ll try to pull in order to get out of this.
