Hello, Bachelor fam, and welcome back to your regularly scheduled Bachelorette recap! Yes, it’s the day after July 4th and, yes, ABC had the audacity to air a new episode while their audience is violently hungover. It’s fine. I’m only having to pause the episode every three seconds to pray for death and chug my Gatorade. IT’S FINE. 

What Do We Really Know About Blake?

Going into this week, Blake’s sudden entrance into the house is still a massive storyline. If you’ll recall, Blake scored the final rose at last week’s rose ceremony despite the fact that 1) he was not present at the actual rose ceremony, and 2) he received his rose whilst wearing nothing but a retainer and his underoos, like a seventh grade boy before he crank calls his math teacher. To each their own, Katie, I suppose. 

Katie is worried that the men won’t take the news well and goes to host Kaitlyn for advice. Kaitlyn had a similar experience during her own season of The Bachelorette when she severed the Bachelor Mansion’s magical wards and let an evil spirit slither into the house in the form of Nick Viall. They both shrug and laugh like, what’s the worst that could happen lol? And I think they’re forgetting what a scourge on this earth Nick’s time on the franchise was. Do we not remember how ABC held us hostage while Nick terrorized our television screens for four different seasons of this godforsaken franchise? I still have nightmares about him licking his lips in those chunky knit turtlenecks. That’s the worst that could happen!!

Truly haunting

Katie decides that the best way to deliver the news is gently, with great care and respect for all the parties involved. So, she gives Blake gets the first one-on-one date of the week and tells the guys not to worry, there’s just some “great chemistry there” that she wants to explore. Katie! Talk about shooting a man’s horse! Look, I’m not going to tell you how to do your job, but this crowd that looks like at minimum they each drink 12 scoops of pre-workout a day. Their nerves are so frayed they’d jump that lamp if Katie expressed too much interest in it.  

On that note, Katie takes Blake for a romantic horseback ride. It’s all fine and good but I literally cannot stop thinking about Blake’s job description. His bio reads “wildlife advocate” which is a vague and meaningless title that at the very least suggests he’s an animal person, AND YET, this big wilderness guy cannot get that damn horse to heel to him for him. He’s like, “how do I make it go??” How do you make it go? What are you, a 16-year-old girl crying through her dad’s lesson on driving stick shift? I thought this was your profession! Horses are like, the most domesticated wildlife out there! He looks about as comfortable with the wildlife as I do trying to fill out a W2 form. 

I was so disturbed at how bad he is with animals that I even looked him up on Instagram to see if I could glean some more details on his job title and, let me tell you, it’s suspect at best. There are several selfies of him posing with various wild animals but all the images look cropped and are mostly up-close shots. What are we cropping out, Blake? It makes me wonder that if the full frame of these photos would reveal that he’s actually handling these animals under the supervision of a petting zoo. Like, are you a wildlife advocate or do you just occasionally donate money to your local humane society? What is the truth? And what else have you been lying about, Blake? If that’s even your real name!

 

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A post shared by Blake Moynes (@blakemoynes)

You be the judge…

I’ve been struggling to understand Katie’s immediate connection with Blake. As I’ve said before, Blake just doesn’t do it for me. And by “do it for me” I mean every time he speaks, my libido physically shrivels up and dies. But they do seem very into each other. Conversation flows between the two of them in a way that’s sort of unnatural for a first date. At dinner he asks Katie about her journey to sex positivity, and I think I get his appeal even more. Once again, Katie rehashes her traumatic nonconsensual sexual experience and Blake handles it well. I’m sure he wasn’t at all expecting her to launch into that kind of deeply personal territory, but he just goes with it in a way that feels genuine and supportive. 

And it works! By the end of the date they’re making out on an abandoned dance floor while a band, that looks like they would pull a Jennifer’s Body and sacrifice a high school cheerleader for this not to be the make-or-break moment of their career, strums along in the background. All is right in The Bachelorette universe. 

A Brief Break In Your Programming To Gush About Andrew S

Andrew S gets the other one-on-one date of the week, and I could not be more pleased. I’ll admit, when Andrew first graced our television screens and his immediate play to enter the house was to lie his ass off to Katie with that fake English accent, I was almost certain I would hate everything about this guy. But week after week he continues to impress me. When the Thomas situation last week had the rest of the guys in the house acting less like romantic, supportive partners and more like angry TV dads in a sitcom about teenage daughters dating, Andrew was the only one to suggest that Katie is a grown-ass woman who can make her own decisions about the men she chooses to spend her time with. We love to see it. He’s just consistently non-dramatic and it’s refreshing to say the least.

Also, that smile: 

 

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A post shared by Andrew Spencer (@andrewzspencer)

That being said, their date is trash. I’m not sure who planned this excursion (and I’m using that term loosely here) but Andrew deserved so much better. While Blake got a scenic horseback ride and a romantic picnic, Andrew is tasked with answering riddles hanging from a tree like he’s an extra in Pocahontas and this is Mother freaking Willow. Twinkle lights don’t make this a romantic date, ABC!

At least Andrew is a good sport about all of this. He answers all of the tree’s riddles, even the ones that force him to pretend he finds Katie’s dance moves sexy. They both seem to think they have a lot in common, even if the only thing they’ve agreed upon thus far is that they don’t hate Sundays and both like brunch. Can you imagine if one of them admitted that they hated brunch? How un-American.

ANDREW: I’m so glad we’re doing this, I’m finding out we both have so much in common!

WHAT THEY HAVE IN COMMON: 

Honestly, I’ve made a relationship work off of less. 

During the dinner/drinks portion of the evening, their connection seems to deepen even more. Andrew opens up about his strained relationship with his dad and his past struggles in interracial relationships. When he talked about how his ex was hesitant to have children with him because she wasn’t sure she wanted mixed children, my heart actually broke for him. Okay, Andrew is my favorite. I don’t even want him for Katie, I want him for me. Andrew, if you’re reading this, I am reading every single one of my DMs and would answer literally anything you sent me even if it’s only emojis. 

There’s No Crying In Bash Ball

Shortly after Katie announces Blake’s arrival in the house, she decides to test the tenuous grasp the men have over their own emotions by hosting a group date disguised as an athletic thunderdome. Smart. Clearly, she’s choosing not to pick up on any of the palpable hostility in the house. Katie, is it really in your best interest to throw a bunch of guys whose diets consist of red meat and protein powder into a televised Greek gladiator games? Hmm? Think about it. 

Of course, ABC can’t come right out and call it that. No, this is Bash Ball, a totally-not-made-up  game that appears to be a distorted version of both rugby and basketball that has two main purposes: to humiliate and to maim. The humiliation aspect comes when the men are forced to don wrestling uniforms with shocking hem lengths and Katie’s name all but bedazzled on their asses. I’ve seen less revealing workout sets in the clearance section of a Bebe. Michael in particular looks scandalized at how he’s going to explain to his young children that daddy showing his nipples on live television is somehow a noble quest for love. Good luck with that, buddy.

Then there’s the intent to maim. Every season ABC awards the most bloodthirsty of producers for coming up with some demented sports situation that results in bodily harm and outs at least five of the contestants as sociopathic. This season is no different. Perhaps no one has revealed their true self more than Hunter. The bloodlust radiating off of him on this field right now is absolutely astonishing. He looks like the type who psyched himself up in the locker room by pounding raw eggs and and violently masturbating to Braveheart.

HUNTER PREPPING FOR THIS GROUP DATE:

And what do you know? Hunter is the first to draw blood on the field when he tackles the sh*t out of Virgin Mike and practically bathes in his blood, he’s so high off the carnage. This results in the rest of the men losing all semblance of self-control and launching into uncoordinated attacks all over the damn field. At one point Single Dad Michael gets injured. It’s a harrowing moment in which a man who survived the death of his spouse is curled in the fetal position, shaking uncontrollably and looking like he might vomit into the grass, as production has the audacity to zoom in on his ass to emphasize the bedazzled hearts on his uniform. Jesus Christ, ABC. Show some respect!

It turns out Michael is fine—he’s not hurt, he’s just above the age of 26! But Katie still calls off the game and invites everyone to the cocktail portion of the date. While the rest of the guys look humbled by their behavior on the field, especially after Michael reveals that today is his dead wife’s birthday and instead of grieving privately, production has gussied him up in a slutty wrestler’s costume and then let loose a hoard of men on him who suffer from anger management issues. Greg is openly sobbing by the time Michael is done speaking. Meanwhile, Hunter is manically rubbing his hands together and is like, “yeah today was fun wasn’t it?”

What’s crazy is how Katie doesn’t see any of this. Though he comes off as overly aggressive and cocky towards the men, he uses the opposite strategy with Katie. Sure, he’s the same guy who got a hard-on from watching a single father practically dislocate his shoulder, but look Katie, he has pictures of his kids! Damn. He knows how to play the game, I’ll give him that. 

Tensions in the house remain heightened between Hunter and the rest of the men during the rose ceremony. Even though Hunter snagged himself a rose at the group date (seriously, how did that happen?), he still wants more alone time with Katie. He doesn’t give a sh*t about the men in the house who don’t have a rose. He’s William F*cking Wallace and he’ll do what he wants. 

Cut to James, aka Box Guy, looking less than thrilled. Honestly, I can’t take this dude seriously either. He’s decked in all black, from his turtleneck to his skin-tight pants, with only a tiny chain necklace to break up his outfit.  I’m shrieking. He looks like a Rocky and Bullwinkle villain. 

I mean… the similarities are uncanny. 

All of this tension and drama ultimately leads to nothing. The episode ends with a regular ole rose ceremony. Boooo. Here’s who moves on to next week: Blake, Hunter, and Andrew S., Greg, Aaron, Michael, Connor the Cat Man, James/Box Guy, Justin, Mike, Brendan, and Tre. Until next week, pals!

Images: Giphy (3); @andrewzspencer /Instagram (1); @blakemoynes /Instagram (1)

Into each generation a slayer is born: one girl in all the world, a chosen one. She alone will wield the strength and skill to fight the f*ckboys, finance bros, and the Here For The Wrong Reasons forces of darkness; to stop the spread of their evil and the swell of their number. She is the Slayer. 

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Though just for tonight I’ll be rebranding my recaps to match the the Buffy x Bachelor crossover production gave us this week when Katie, the former bank marketing manager from Washington, revealed her true form: a f*ckboy slayer. Truly the energy we all never knew we needed. 

In true Bachelor/ette fashion, ABC continued to beat the dead horse storyline that is Thomas’ vilification and so this week’s episode focused entirely on him. If you’ll recall, during the truth circle last week, Thomas revealed—TO KATIE’S FACE!!—that he only went on the show to increase his Instagram following. Bold. Then he tried to walk back that statement by amending that he’s not only here for the Instagram likes… he’d also like to be the next Bachelor too, okay!!

Look, I know I’m supposed to hate Thomas, but it’s hard to hate someone who has the IQ of a Fruit Roll-up. When he speaks it’s like watching an alien life force attempt to infiltrate humanity—and fail miserably at it. When he’s not absolutely butchering the English language (ex: demonsterization), he’s unwittingly filleting his own character over the ever-burning fires of his own stupidity. Give me a true villain and I’ll verbally roast his essence every week in this recap. But Thomas? He has all the diabolical energy of a Blue’s Clues episode. If he was truly that duplicitous he wouldn’t be so destructively honest rn. The man has no sense of self-preservation! 

Perhaps no one in the house is out to get Thomas quite like Tre is. Though Thomas is not even on the group date this week, Tre decides to add him to the itinerary by literally never shutting tf up about him. 

TRE AT THIS COCKTAIL PARTY RN:

We should totally just stab Caesar Thomas!

Tre tells Katie that Thomas declared to the house that he only came on this how to be the Bachelor which is… a stretch. What Thomas actually said was that it’s crossed his mind before that he could be the Bachelor, not that he specifically came on the show for that reason. It’s cute that Tre thinks Thomas is the only one thinking about how to elongate his career on the franchise. You think Mr. Canadian Firefighter over there whose audition tape looked like a deleted scene from Magic Mike isn’t thinking about being the next Bachelor?? Please.

Also, Tre, who do you think you are? Sir, you’re no Kim Kardashian. Leave the snake hunting to the experts.

One of the things that bothers me the most about this witch hunt is that the men keep talking about how vulnerable Katie is and how they’re just looking out for her well-being. I think Tre even calls her a victim at one point. It all feels so patronizing and condescending. She’s not some fragile doll. Like, if anyone can figure this out for herself it’s Katie. The woman has her own vibrator! Haven’t you heard? She’s self-possessed!

Sure enough, the group date spirals into the Thomas show. Katie gets out her talking stick and passes it around to the group, where they all collectively sh*t on Thomas. Why they aren’t using this time to, I don’t know, woo Katie is beyond me. As Andrew S. so poetically put it, they’re all acting like real Buzz Killingtons.

The “off with his head” energy follows Thomas into the rose ceremony, where the men are circling his carcass like vultures do with almost-dead roadkill. Sensing this, Thomas tracks down Katie before the ceremony to set the record straight. Honestly, his first smart move. He says that he hasn’t been able “to have dialogues in the house” which is the source of some of the tension between himself and the other men. Translation: the camera hasn’t even filmed him this week. The nerve!

Again, I think Thomas’ main problem is that he’s too honest. Like, this is reality TV. There’s no room for truths on this franchise! He tries to explain the miscommunication to Katie and it’s like watching a live action version of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. The communication breakdown is astounding. He’s like, “I’ll sign a contract saying I’ll never be the bBachelor!” Bro, the fact that you sound like you’re quoting directly from a social media talent agent’s script is not helping your case!

Cut to the rose ceremony where there are 12 roses up for grabs. Katie gets down to the last one and calls Thomas up. The guys are all wearing identical expressions of shocked outrage. The energy behind Justin’s surprised facial expressions alone could have been used to fuel NASA spaceships. In that moment it looks like evil will prevail, that Thomas’ good looks and rock-hard abs will live to gaslight another day. And then a truly beautiful thing happens: Katie puts Thomas in a f*cking body bag. 

When Thomas walked up to collect his rose and Katie physically recoiled, I think I may have gasped out loud. But she doesn’t stop there. Oh no, she proceeds to give him the tongue lashing of his f*cking life. It’s like watching a verbal exorcism. I have never seen the color drain from someone’s face so quickly. Meanwhile, Katie is glowing. It’s like she’s channeling the energy of the entire women’s suffrage movement combined with the raw star power of a Beyoncé music video. I’m riveted. 

KATIE: What I learned about you tonight is that you’re selfish, unkind, and a liar. 

ME, ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:

She sends Thomas packing and I’m stunned into silence. Every hero needs their origin story. Buffy had her Hellmouth full of demons and Katie has a demon boy with one hell of a mouth. And thus, the f*ckboy slayer was born. I’ve never been prouder, girlfriend!

We Found Greg’s Kryptonite 

Would it be my recap if I didn’t highlight the shining star of the season, Greg Grippo, at least once in his own section? I think not. Lately, Greg has seemed like the clear front-runner. He landed himself the first impression rose and the first one-on-one date of the season. And while he might be good at looking adorable in flannel and making every woman in America consider relocating to New Jersey, this week during the group date his kryptonite was finally revealed. 

For the group date the men were tasked with a “truth or dare” type obstacle course. Host Kaitlyn tells them that they should prepare for an “emotional rollercoaster” and it’s like, you already held them hostage in that group therapy confessional last week. What’s next? A blood oath? Also, let’s talk about the intricacies of this group date. The dares involved binge eating pasta and gorging on Twinkies. It’s during the latter that Mike the virgin looks like he needed to call his pastor and ask if it’s okay to eat something so phallic. 

Katie’s group date is my usual Tuesday night #TheBachelorette #bachelorette pic.twitter.com/zIzZT0iE89

— Stephanie (@scde_de) June 29, 2021

The truths are equally baffling. At one point, the guys have to whisper dirty talk into a gigantic ear, which, unbeknownst to them, is being recorded for Katie and the hosts to cackle over in the corner. The only “truth” I’m learning from this group date is that Katie’s sense of humor is dick jokes.

What’s worse is that when it’s Greg’s turn to dirty talk—angel on earth, redeemer of the male species, little cutie Greg—instead of delivering punny banter or filthy compliments, he decides to go with butchering United States’ geography.

THE PRODUCERS: Just say something sexy!

GREG: The capital of Idaho is Boise.

Christ. 

For the first time all season I’m starting to question the sex appeal of Greg. Is he hot or am I just a sucker for ABC editing? Then we get to the dare that involves tase testing peppers. Greg has never looked whiter than in that moment when he’s choking on mild spices. None of this bothers Katie. If anything, she’s more smitten than ever. She gushes over the fact that Greg spit out an “I love you” during the pepper tasting challenge. Never mind that he was being tortured with spices for the admission. We’ll take what we can get!

Another standout human this week? Andrew S. He was the only one who treated Katie like a grown woman capable of assessing her own feelings during the Thomas fiasco and appeared to be the only one willing to woo her during the cocktail portion of the group date. While the rest of the men used their one-on-one time to gossip like they had downtime in a high school band rehearsal, he set up a cute little taco spread and actually made the night about her. What a strategy. Honestly, he’s so cute, I’ll even forgive him for wearing that turtleneck. 

The Return of Blake

During the Thomas debacle earlier in the episode, host Tayshia tells us that she has just the thing to turn Katie’s frown upside down: her sloppy seconds. That’s right, kids, Blake is back! For those who don’t remember, Blake was on both Clare and Tayshia’s seasons of The Bachelorette. He’s the kind of person who looks hot on paper until he opens his goddamn mouth. He spent the majority of time on the franchise crying, stirring up drama, and just generally ruining the sex appeal of beards. 

But for some reason Katie seems immediately taken with Blake. She’s like, “he called me bold, so he really gets me.” GIRL. “Bold” was his favorite synonym to use on Clare’s season! He’s recycling it here because his vocabulary is about as varied as a Hustlers’ mag article. 

She does ask if he only sought her out for fame. I mean, it’s a fair question seeing as this is his THIRD season of The Bachelorette in six months. He tells her that he’s only here for her and could even see himself getting engaged to her by the end of this season. ENGAGED BY THE END OF THIS SEASON?! He just met her! She’s a stranger to him! Why do I feel like Blake’s idea of intimacy is wanting to be so close to a woman that he’d wear her skin as a suit? 

Blake coming back to announce he’s in love with his third bachelorette in a year #thebachelorette #bachelorette pic.twitter.com/16mqicH9Ou

— The Bitchelorette (@Bitchelorette_) June 29, 2021

In the end, Katie gives Blake the last rose from the rose ceremony. After kicking Thomas to the curb, she rushes over to Blake’s hotel room where he… answers the door in his Spider Man underoos, barely comprehensible with his nighttime retainer. Christ. Just remember, this was your choice, Katie!

And on that note, I’m outtie. Until next week, betches!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (4); @bitchelorette_ /Twitter (1); @scde_de /Twitter (1)

Welcome back, friends, to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! When last we left off, Katie, dressed like the bestselling author of some Draco Malfoy fanfic, was in the process of telling the men to f*ck all the way off. All hail the queen. But why stop there? Look, I think it’s cute that she thinks staring a man dead in the eye while clearly enunciating her wants and needs is actually going to effect any change in behavior. If that were the case, there wouldn’t be so many warrants out for my arrest. If there’s anything I know about cis straight men who think they’re feminists because they liked a Cheryl Strayed tweet once in their lives, it’s that a message only sinks in once it’s been keyed onto their car. I don’t make the rules, people, I just abide by them!!

Karl Continues To Dig His Own Grave

And let’s take a look at the men in question. In true Bachelor form, last week ABC left us hanging at the rose ceremony after Karl revealed to Katie that there were some traitors in her midst. Did he have any evidence to back up his claim up? Absolutely not. Was he reading word-for-word from a script production gave him at the start of the rose ceremony? He’d tell you, but then production would have to kill him. Meanwhile, the rest of the men are one offhanded comment away from turning into Gaston’s crowd of peasants ready to slay the beast. In this case, that beast is Karl. 

To be fair, the man did say he was a motivational speaker. Sure, his speeches usually consist of a few memes cobbled together in a slideshow, but it’s clear he’s stirred up some kind of emotion in this crowd tonight (even if that emotion is homicidal rage). The men continue to ask Karl basic questions about who this “wrong reasons” monster is, and he continues to answer with noncommittal shrugs and anxious looks towards the camera. Don’t look at them, Karl. They can’t help you now, buddy!

Where are the hosts during all of this, you might be asking? Getting wasted at the hotel bar. Ladies! I know you want to give Katie her space, but MY GOD, put the shot glasses down and check in on this rose ceremony. It’s anarchy out there! Katie, after rounding up her errant hosts, voices her concerns over the rose ceremony and reveals she was planning to keep Karl until tonight’s events. Tayshia and Kaitlyn tell her to just “go with her gut” which is not so much actual helpful advice as it is words you might find written on a tchotchke in a Cracker Barrel gift store, but fine. 

Honestly, their presence on this show continues to baffle me. What is the point of them hosting at all if this is the kind of advice they’re willing to offer up? You’d think since both ladies were Bachelorette leads themselves, they might offer some sage wisdom like “the guy who points the finger usually has three pointing back at himself” but instead they deliver vague platitudes and weak smiles. Where is that sisterhood realness Katie keeps mentioning in all of her post-season interviews? I’m a little disappointed is all I’m saying…

But back to Karl! In the end, Karl’s ploy for drama backfires and he gets sent home. It’s not so much the hosts’ advice to Katie, or even Katie’s own feelings on the matter, that gets him the boot. In the end, it’s the motivation he inspired in the crowd, the motivation that caused the rest of the men to assemble and campaign to Katie to kick his ass out. Honestly, I’d put that on your resume, Karl. Don’t ever doubt your skills, buddy!

Too Much Reality In This Reality TV

Going into week three Katie warned us via an Instagram post that there would be triggering content on tonight’s episode. At first, I thought she must be talking about the fact that Nick Viall makes a guest appearance on one of the group dates. I’m pretty sure his presence on my television screen always warrants a warning. Please watch with loved ones? I’m picking up what you’re putting down, Katie. Thank you for that. I’ll mute my TV. 

nick viall coming back for his 947436th appearance in the bachelor franchise like#TheBachelorette  #bachelorette pic.twitter.com/jv8yFOh2qn

— The Bitchelorette (@Bitchelorette_) June 22, 2021

But as we dive more into the group date it’s clear that the trigger warning is actually warranted and not a joking matter at all. Nick helps Katie lead an honesty-first retreat of sorts where the men reveal the darkest parts of themselves. What’s crazy is that the men actually do own up to their worst actions. Hunter talks about his messy divorce and the effect it’s had on his children. The guy on night one who showed up in a cat onesie, grooming his paws and all, launches into a story about how his alcohol dependency led him to cheat on his girlfriend.

I’m just so floored that they’re all taking this seriously. I mean, at the mention of “confessions” I thought at least one of them would start off his monologue with: “just when I thought I said all I can say, my chick on the side said she got one on the way.” A missed opportunity, if you will. 

As each of them engage in their confessions, it’s then I realize that seeing grown men cry on national television is actually good for my health. My skin is clearing up, my hair is shinier, my acid reflux is practically nonexistent. The healing properties of male tears should be studied in a lab, is all I’m saying.

And, look, I’ll admit, I’ve been hurt by a lot of men in my life. Small hurts, mostly, that have built up until I’ve become the kind of person who doesn’t trust easily, who’s a little cynical and a lot prone to setting fires to the things my exes know and love (lol, kidding! My lawyer says I have to clarify that last bit was a joke!!). And I’m sure I’m not alone in those feelings. I’m sure a lot of women feel that way too. But watching these men acknowledge all of their red flags and the ways they’ve hurt women in the past is… therapeutic in a way? It shows growth. I’m not sure the show is always good at capturing moments like this or even evoking feelings of growth within the cast in ways that don’t feel cheesy or outright forced. Moments like these are few and far between. Honestly, who knew male accountability could be so good for the skin?

But the real heart-wrenching moment comes from Katie herself. She ends the sharing circle with her own story—a story she’s never even told her mother about—that involves a moment from her youth where she was “involved in a situation where there wasn’t consent.” She discusses how afterwards she tried to date her attacker rather than come to terms with the fact that she was a victim. Because of her past, she’s struggled sexually in relationships and reveals that she hasn’t always been so “sex positive” and that’s been an issue with some of the men she’s dated. Honestly, my heart hurts for her. The thing about Katie that shocks me every week is how deeply relatable she is. Here she is on a date that is basically ABC’s version of trauma porn (there’s nothing this franchise loves more than to pimp peoples’ pain out for viewership). And yet, Katie is able to turn this date into a thoughtful discussion on trauma. She takes control of the narrative in a way that feels real and honest. It’s impressive.

Later in the episode, Katie navigates more realness when she invites Michael on the one-on-one date. The majority of their date focuses on Michael’s past. He reveals that he is a single dad, widowed after his wife died of breast cancer two years ago. Katie tells him that she will always understand his love for his wife and would never feel intimidated by that relationship. Again, so mature! So much growth! 

Now, does that mean I think they’ll end up together? Ehhhh. Look, I love Michael and he warms my heart with his little smile, but a zaddy he is not. Let’s be real, he has all of the sex appeal of a cardigan. At one point Katie even tells him that he has pen pal energy, and doesn’t that just say it all? I’m not sure there’s any chemistry here, but if she’s looking for a genuine guy who is here for the right reason, then that alone should win him a rose. 

The House Has A New Villain

With Karl’s spectacular demise at the last rose ceremony, we thought evil had been vanquished once and for all. Later in the episode, we learn that evil hadn’t been defeated so much as transferred to its next unwilling host: Thomas. Damnit. I knew Katie should have saged that hotel.  

Last week, Thomas came off as suave and attractive. I think I even wrote in my recap that “I have working eyes so I understand his appeal.” This week he’s coming off like a guy whose hobbies include tripping old people in the street and emotionally hobbling women.

It starts with his group date confession. While the rest of the men are making amends with their past cheating and failed marriages, Thomas takes the whole honesty thing one step too far: He tells Katie that he only came on this show for Instagram likes. Thomas! That might be the song in your heart, but that’s not to be expressed on camera! Save that for your confessional, at least. 

Thomas: yeah I thought I could be the next bachelor…

Karl sitting at home: #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/pU7TgdWryM

— 𝐤𝐚𝐲𝐲𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐲 (@kayyorkcity) June 22, 2021

It gets worse. He admits that though he has real feelings for Katie now, before coming on the show two weeks ago he went on a date, that’s how much he didn’t give a sh*t about Katie at first. Very bold to go with the truth like that. While Katie applauds him for his bravery (seriously, Katie? I know he’s nice to look at, but COME ON) the men have a harder time accepting his confession. 

And who’s leading the angry mob? Aaron. Boy, does that guy love to be at the center of all the drama. Last week it was Cody, now it’s his sole mission in life to bring down Thomas. I think Aaron has said “sociopath” more times in the last three minutes than Olivia Rodrigo did on her entire album. And that’s saying something!

I mean, do I think Thomas is emotionally manipulating Katie for his own personal gain? 100%. He spends the majority of the group date cocktail hour trying to backtrack his earlier statements. He tells Katie that he’s falling in love with her but in classic f*ckboy fashion tells the men the opposite. Oh well, I didn’t tell her that I loved her per se, I just told her I loved things about her. But here’s the thing: I can already tell Thomas has all the working brain cells as a piece of bologna. He might be an emotional terrorist, but he’s also not a very smart one. 

Case in point? The following interaction:

THE MEN: Just tell us, are you here for followers?
THOMAS: 

Christ. Look, I’m not worried for Katie in the slightest. It’s clear there’s something about his tongue energy that she’s vibing with, but she’s a smart girl. If he was dumb enough to admit his true intentions to her face then he’s dumb enough to self-implode in other ways eventually. Until then!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin (2); Giphy (3); @bacheloretteabc /Instagram (1); @bitchelorette_ /Twitter (1); @kayyorkcity /Twitter (1)

Welcome back, friends, to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Last week, Katie kicked off her season with a bang–and, unlike ABC, I’m not going to giggle like an 11-year-old boy after making that pun. Big front-runners from that first night included Greg Grippo, a guy who single-handedly raised real estate prices for the entire state of New Jersey just by being a gem of a human during his TV debut; and a grown man who displays his sexual arousal by wearing cat ears and licking his paws. Can’t wait to see what sort of chaotic energy we’re in store for tonight!

Mike Makes It Into The Producer’s Burn Book

Every season there’s at least one person who makes it into the producer’s burn book. Last season it was Sarah, who was somehow convinced multiple times to commandeer Matt James’ attention by stealing other women’s alone time. Have you seen the end of The Lion King? Sarah’s time on the show ended much like Scar’s reign over Pride Rock: in a blaze of metaphorical fire with hyenas (Queen Victoria and her minions) eating her carcass alive on national television. 

^^Sarah, last season

This year, it appears their new target is Mike, the 31-year-old virgin from San Diego. Look, going after the virgin seems like low-hanging fruit to me but whatever you need to do for ratings, amiright ABC?

My suspicions are only reinforced during the first group date when the men are led to an undisclosed location where Katie tells them things are about to get “raw and real.” Those are the exact words my mother used to describe chafing to me after I hit puberty early and experienced a huge weight gain, but I’m sure the producers were going for more sexual undertones when they added that line to Katie’s script. Cut to the men entering a dark room with nothing but a discarded bra on the floor. While some of the men are already sporting chubbies at the thought of a clothing-optional date, poor Jesus Boy looks like he’s seconds away from calling his pastor for an emergency prayer session. 

It only gets worse from there. As you might have guessed, this date is all about sex! ABC has enlisted comedian Heather McDonald to help Katie host a competition to see which of these men will make the best lover. If that’s the end goal, then it’s troubling that I don’t see her vibrator in the crowd. 

The first half of the date consists of Heather quizzing the men on their basic understanding of female sexuality. Spoiler alert: they don’t have one. Boys, boys, boys. She’s not asking you to solve a wizard’s riddle, she’s asking you about a woman’s climax!

HEATHER: What’s the best tool needed for a female orgasm?
THE MEN:

Christ.

Though it might seem this date was intended for comedic relief (and possibly to help Katie weed out the men who understand female pleasure from the men who have just had sex with a woman), really this date was crafted with the sole intent of getting Jesus Boy to cry. When the quizzing veers into the guys’ own sexual history (How much do they masturbate? When was the last time they had sex?) and Mike answers entirely in question marks, I have never felt more secondhand embarrassment in my life. At one point I was hoping a portal would open up and take us both to a kinder world. At the very least, I was hoping he wouldn’t pee himself on stage, which felt like a very real possibility the longer that inquisition went on. 

Eventually the men are tasked with one final humiliation: prove to Katie ON STAGE how they’ll be the perfect lover. I worry that ABC did not set enough parameters for what these “acts” should consist of when Tre performed his erotic sock puppet show and Karl dragged a spoiled banana down the body of a cardboard cut-out of Katie. 

A talent show gone wrong #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/sESYPFWiuS

— ♡ (@tvgoldtweets) June 15, 2021

Eventually Mike makes it to the stage and I’m worried the only way production got him up there was by holding his bible hostage off-screen. While most of the men take this as an opportunity to use various props to describe their penis size, Mike decides to turn his virginity into spoken word poetry. It’s a bold move and one I didn’t expect from a man who could have just walked on stage, pointed to the gigantic cross around his neck, and been like, “you get it.” For his honesty, Katie rewards him with the Best Lover trophy. That seems a stretch to me. I’m not sure honesty equates to “has any idea where the clit is on your body” but I suppose it’s the thought that counts. 

Honestly, while I’m glad this guy survived productions’ attempt to send him walking into the nearest oncoming traffic, I don’t think he’ll last long here. Katie probably doesn’t care about his virgin status, but if a red lacy bra makes him break out into hives, he’s probably not her match. She’s looking for a partner who is comfortable with their sexuality, whatever that may be. Later in the evening, Mike reveals that he feels bad for his future wife because of “all of that pent-up energy” and Katie and I both can barely contain our shudders just thinking about the three minutes of vigorous dry humping that woman will experience on their honeymoon. 

And what do you know! Mike doesn’t even receive the group date rose. While Mike might have been “raw and real” with his words, Thomas was “raw and real” with his tongue on that couch and receives Katie’s coveted group date rose. Honestly, I have working eyes, so I get it, Katie. Carry on. 

Greg Is Still A Winner

Greg had another outstanding performance tonight. He managed to score both the first one-on-one date of the season and the first spot on every man’s hit list. Should he mysteriously go missing next week, our number one suspect should be any of the guys who snagged the number of the van-owning skin salesman from night one. I can read between the lines and right now I’m reading that bio as “has definitely disposed of a body through a Craigslist ad before.”

But back to Greg and Katie! I would just like to have it on record that every time I see these two together I seethe with jealousy. They are so freaking cute, I can’t stand it. Logically, I know it’s only been a few days since they first met, but somehow they seem to be operating on the same wavelength. Case in point: They both show up to their date wearing matching flannel outfits. This is something grandparents do in their old age so they don’t lose each other in crowds. I should be disgusted! But when these two do it, it’s just romantic and quirky. I hate them already.

still thinking about this #TheBachelorette pic.twitter.com/bPw67hYIQ8

— ♡ (@tvgoldtweets) June 15, 2021

More than that, they both have shared trauma that further cements their bond. Katie picked camping for their date activity because it’s something she used to do with her dad before he passed away. Later, Greg reveals that his dad passed away suddenly from cancer. They both seem genuinely shocked that they were willing to share this deeply personal information so early on in their relationship. Normally, this is where I would break out into a monologue about how ABC likes to pimp out people’s pain for viewership, but this is just such a touching moment that I can’t even chide ABC for orchestrating it about. Greg is going to go far in this game, just mark my words. 

All The Wrong Reasons

Most of tonight’s episode was dominated by a tried and true Bachelor/ette storyline: who’s here for the right reasons? Similar to the theme of the first group date, the second group date is all about getting Katie off—I just didn’t realize that getting Katie off involved man-on-man mud wrestling. While some of the men engage in actual feats of strength, others are just doing a glorified slap and tickle. It becomes evident mid-mud wrestle that this date is actually not about Katie at all, but is rather a half-baked date idea to remind us of the fight that wasn’t on night one between Cody and Aaron. It’s almost as if ABC won’t allow us to get through one episode without forcing unwanted drama upon the masses. 

Aaron reveals that he knows Cody from home and doesn’t think he’s here for the right reasons. I mean… the man did show up to the house with a blow-up doll so, like, are we surprised? But if Katie’s truly conflicted over this revelation then she should have utilized her hosts, Tayshia and Kaitlyn, the way god and the girl code intended. Why aren’t they out there canvasing Cody’s Venmo receipts for her? Creating finstas to see whose pictures he likes on IG? I’m sure they could find an incriminating DM in five seconds flat. Put the sisterhood to good use, Katie! 

In the end, Katie also remembers the blow-up doll incident (I’m sure it was seared into her brain as it was in mine) and sends Cody home almost immediately. Though Katie comes off calm and collected when she gives Cody the boot, she still seems pretty rattled from the whole experience. Look, Katie, this is not the crowd you want smelling your fear. There’s nothing more terrifying than a large group of straight men who sense your deepest insecurity. Have you seen Jaws? Well, Katie, there’s blood in the water now. Swim, bitch, swim! 

Karl is the first shark to capitalize off her fragile mindset when he takes it upon himself to start sh*t at the rose ceremony. If you’ll recall, Karl is the motivational speaker who so eloquently said in the first group date that being the perfect lover means “17 hours of f*ck action.” So, you could say his energy is just a constant state of mercury being in retrograde.

Karl is a very good motivational speaker. He’s motivating me to mute the tvs when he speaks #TheBachelorette #bachelorette pic.twitter.com/2JY2Oo4jr9

— Lily Pink (@lilypink156) June 15, 2021

He spins a tale for Katie of a mysterious “not here for the right reasons” boogeyman. Does he have a concrete example he can elaborate on? Absolutely not. Will he reveal his source? Only if he loses control over one of his other personalities. He might as well have a flashlight held up underneath his face for all the dramatic effect he’s going for. Buddy, this isn’t Are You Afraid of the Dark? Save your ghost stories for the campfire. 

And while we know this is bullsh*t, Katie starts to spiral. She gives an impassioned speech to the men telling them to GTFO of the house if they aren’t there to be her husband. 

KATIE: I just learned that there are still people here who aren’t here for the right f*cking reason.
KARL RN:

Karl tries to save his ass by asking that the “person” who isn’t there for the right reasons come forward. As if this “person” will just appear out of thin air simply because he manifests a villain to save his time on the show. That’s not how manifestation works! You need at least three Pratt Daddy crystals while you chant the lyrics to a Taylor Swift song. Duh. 

While Katie and the men fan out to find the Not Here For The Right Reasons Bandit, might I suggest they take a closer look at Katie’s stylist? Because I’m less worried that one of these men will pull a fast one on her and more worried that she’s being sabotaged by her stylist. Her look for the cowboy themed group date was… a choice. Look, I know Stagecoach has become, like, an entire personality trait at this point, but did they have to model her outfit off of an Olsen twin’s How The West Was Fun costume? And dear god, don’t even get me started on that rose ceremony getup. Katie is a gorgeous girl and they have her dressed like a Slytherin at her first Yule Ball. Is that metallic… green?? Katie, you’re too pretty for what they’re doing to you!

KATIE’S STYLIST:

 

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ME ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:

And that’s all she wrote for this episode, kids! The rose ceremony ends before we’re allowed any real resolution. The only people for sure moving are rose winners from this week’s dates: Greg, Andrew S., and Thomas. Until then, friends!

Images: ABC/Craig Sjodin; Giphy (3); Quora (1); @spencerpratt /Instagram (1); @lilypink156 /Twitter (1); @tvgoldtweets /Twitter (2); @the_style_spotter /Instagram (1)

Welcome back to the best Bachelorette recap you’ll ever read! Keep in mind that the title of this recap has not at all been endorsed by any governing body or organization and is mostly just a manifestation I’m shouting into the abyss after my third glass of wine. I just want to be upfront about that. 

Moving on! For those of you who went into this season blind (you’re not better than me), you’ll want to meet your new Bachelorette: Katie Thurston. If you’re thinking to yourself “who?” and “no, seriously who??” Katie was the girl from Matt James’ season of The Bachelor whom I benevolently dubbed “Dildo Girl” in every single one of my recaps. On night one, Katie came out of the limo wide-eyed and fresh-faced, looking less like a girl fit for reality TV and more like a girl who would work the register at a Panera Bread. And I say that with love! I’m thrilled to be watching a girl who looks like she buys her makeup at CVS and has never once in her life heard of a lip filler dare to find love on national television. In fact, if not for the sparkly, average-sized dildo she waved in Matt’s face like a baton from her senior year marching band routine, we probably never would have heard from her again. But alas, Dildo Girl was born! 

Unlike previous contestants we’ve seen on this franchise, Katie did more than just cry and bring general shame to her family name. During her time on The Bachelor, she took on girl-on-girl crime in the house by banishing the words “whore” and “slut” even though that was the majority of the script the producers provided to the girls. (And they would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling kid!) She tried to normalize sex toys by mentioning it one time as a gimmick and ABC never letting it f*cking die. She wore an ankle length parka to her one-on-one date. The woman was breaking boundaries everywhere she went! So, you could say that I have high hopes for her season.

With that in mind, let’s get into last night’s episode: the good, the bad, the cringe, and the things that will haunt my spirit until my last dying day.

The Good: First Impressions & The First Impression Rose

Let’s start off with the positives from last night (however slim they may be). The theme of this season is clearly “average,” if the beginning montage of Katie f*cking up normal day-to-day activities is to be any kind of indicator. Our preview of the men is in much the same vein. Sure, we get some former pro athletes, some CrossFitters, a 40-year-old virgin whose massive bedazzled cross barely hides his repressed sexuality, but there are also just as many teachers, dudes who probably ride New Jersey transit, guys who talk to their grandmas and play with kids. ABC is trying very hard to show us that they’ve selected average guys who do average things and are totally not at all looking to add thousands of followers so they can become full-time Instagram influencers. 

Even the limo entrance gimmicks were tamer this season, which just goes to show that the ABC intern reading Instagram DMs has finally passed along my demands. Out of the first impressions, there were a few standout guys to me. There was Brendan the Toronto firefighter who looks like he would cheat on you with a Ruby Tuesday waitress if given the chance, but who is so attractive I don’t think any of us would care. There was Justin the investment sales consultant who scored the first kiss of the evening. While this is in no way an endorsement for Justin, I would feel remiss if I didn’t at least mention him. I mean, who among us hasn’t made out with a “sales consultant” early in the night and then promptly forgotten about him for the next guy to buy us a vodka cran?

Andrew S was also memorable as the man who decided that he wanted Katie’s first impression of him to be that he lied straight to her face. Bold move, cotton. In fact, one of my favorite moments of the evening was when, after absolutely butchering an English accent in a way that would send chills down the spines of the Windsor family, he asks Katie if the accent is no good and in response she tries to disintegrate into the nearest wall. Let’s just say I’ve witnessed better accents in Winning London. Know your strengths, buddy.

But the real winner of the evening is the first impression rose recipient: New Jersey’s Greg Grippo. He came out of the limo looking like a brunette Devon Sawa, handing out macaroni necklaces from his niece, and blushing every time Katie made direct eye contact with him. Honestly, the state of New Jersey hasn’t had a win like this since Vinny rebranded himself as the Keto Guido. Look, am I rooting for Greg? Yes. Do I think it’s rude that in all the time I spent trolling bars in Red Bank I never once met a Greg, only a man named Lorenzo who flirted with me only long enough to see if I’d pay for his Rolling Rock? I mean, it’s something I’ll be bringing up with my therapist. It does feel a little kismet the moment Greg and Katie first meet. Greg says Katie looks like a girl from a bar and Katie tries to hide her arousal from the cameras when she says he looks like her ex. If that’s not love at first sight, then I don’t know what is!! 

 

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The Bad: The Hosts

Look, I know Chris Harrison is bad, bad, bad and we love women supporting women, but the new hosts just didn’t work for me. For those of you who weren’t aware, while Chris Harrison is off googling racism for the first time in his life, former Bachelorettes Tayshia and Kaitlyn took over as hosts this season. Here’s the thing, Tayshia and Kaitlyn’s presence makes for a lot of feminine energy that Katie then has to compete with. Tayshia is STUNNING and even though Kaitlyn looked like her lips were struggling to let her speak through all of those fillers, she has the sex appeal of an off-brand Megan Fox. It’s a lot of chaotic energy to bring into the mix. 

 

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Then there’s the fact that a hero always needs a wise old spirit guide to help them navigate their journey. Where would Buffy be without her watcher? Where would Frodo be without his Gandolf? Kim without her momager? I have makeup brushes older than Tayshia’s engagement. What seasoned advice could she possibly give to Katie? At one point in the evening, Katie says her relationship with the hosts feels more like a sisterhood, but I’m not sure that works here. As a person with a biological sister and who spent her entire undergraduate career knee-deep in sorority chants politics, a “sisterhood” only ever encouraged me to hook up with a guy who publicly went by Ugly Paul. But, you know, I’m sure it will all work out for you, Katie!

The Cringe: ABC’s Take On Sex Positivity

If there’s one thing I hate about Katie being the new Bachelorette, it’s that ABC will not stop referring to her as “sex positive.” Sex positive makes it sound like she’s blazing some sort of trail, holding seminars on the clitoris, and doing Instagram ads for the Kama Sutra. Is she normalizing talking about sex on national television? I guess. But she’s not the Wife of Bath, for Christ’s sake! She’s a twentysomething who owns a vibrator. Welcome to 2021. Maybe she shattered every man in America’s ego by insinuating that sex toys facilitate orgasms, not the dude asking “you good?” after ramming a finger into your cervix for five minutes of “foreplay,” but the women back home are not surprised! 

As if to highlight Katie’s sex queen status, they’ve dressed her in whore red for her Bachelorette debut. Subtle, ABC. Very subtle. Then there were the limo entrances. Dear god, those limo entrances. I would say the moment it all went downhill was when a grown-ass man decided to bring a blowup doll to the Bachelor mansion. A BLOWUP DOLL. IS NOTHING SACRED ON THIS SHOW ANYMORE?? I think he was trying to do what Katie did with the dildo, as if a tool for female pleasure is similar to a man sticking his penis into a faceless woman made of plastic. Do go on though, pal. 

And the night only goes downhill from there. The remaining men test out every sexual pun they learned in middle school because apparently that’s the only mature way to respond to female pleasure. 

MAN WHO THINKS BECAUSE A WOMAN IS A LITTLE WET SHE SQUIRTED: I can’t wait to stroke it out with you… with my paintbrush!! Because I’m an artist but you masturbate, get it?!

KATIE: Lol, yeah I love the sexual puns!

ALSO KATIE:

Honestly, Katie, I would quit while you’re ahead. 

The Things That Will Haunt My Dreams: The Catastrophe 

There are some things on this franchise that you can’t unsee. The string of saliva the cameras zoomed in on after Carly and Evan’s first kiss. Kendall Long introducing Arie to her taxidermy collection. Chad waking up on a Mexican beach with a suspicious brown smudge on his shorts.  But the thing that will haunt me until my last dying breath, and perhaps even beyond the grave itself, is Connor B licking his paws on national television and then smearing his cat makeup all over Katie’s face. Connor B, a Nashville-based teacher and person who never should have been let out of the cave he grew up in, walked out of the limo in a full-blown cat suit, complete with drawn-on whiskers and an underlying cry for help. Though he looked like a walking, talking fetish, Katie seemed to be into it—proving there is a lid for every pot, even if that pot is probably on a no fly list somewhere. 

And that’s all she wrote, friends! Katie called it quits with Austin, Brandon, Gabriel, the man who sells skins out of his van, Landon, Marcus, and Marty. Here’s hoping the man who coughed up a fur ball is next!

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