A few weeks ago, we broke that Southern Charm’s Craig and Naomie were dunzo and it got us thinking: What the fuck is going to happen to our fave shit show other than Vanderpump Rules? Obvi they won’t be fighting anymore. Landon’s moved to Cali so that kills any chance of her obsessing over middle-aged rich dudes who act like they’re 17. Cam is having a baby, which is cool for Real Housewives but a little off-brand for Southern Charm tbh. And what else could happen with Thomas and Kathryn? We did the whole on again, off again thing. We did the whole drug use-turned-rehab-turned-custody battle thing. What else even is there? Well Thomas Ravenel has a new girlfriend aka there’s a famous Kathryn Calhoun Dennis psychotic breakdown in our future. All right, Southern Charm. I see you.
The lucky lady (lol jk) is Ashley Jacobs and apparently, the two of them met on Cinco De Mayo in Santa Barbara so like, they probs drunkenly hooked up after a few too many margs, but weren’t exclusive until now. Now she’s moved to Charleston to pursue her nursing career (cuz they don’t have nurses in Santa Barbara…?) and things are officially offish. Oh shit. Someone get me an APB on Kathryn, stat. Unfortunately for us, Ashley’s Insta is private so we can’t do too much stalking, but from what we can tell she’s like, really pretty. And actually has a job. And isn’t in her early 20s dating a dude that could be her grandpa. So the odds are in her favor in terms of me liking her more than Kat.
And while all of this was relatively easy to find, I’m no regular journalist. I’m Lisa Vanderbetch, for fuck’s sake, so I dug a little deeper. And it turns out, dis bish seems annoying af. If you look in the comments of T-Rav’s posts, Ashley replies to anyone who says anything about him moving on from his baby mama. Like, don’t you have patients to tend to or something to do instead of reading your bf’s Instagram comments? She’s also friends with Landon so, like, she at least has to suck a little. Seriously, check out this crazy:
Yeesh. Check out the all-caps. Check out the passive-aggressive use of emojis. I thought I wouldn’t say this post-2012, but this bitch cray.
As for whether or not she’ll be on the show, I’m assuming so, but nothing has been confirmed. She doesn’t have to be a full-time cast member or anything, I just need her and Kathryn to be in the same room one time. That’s all. You listening, Andy?
I don’t know if there’s going to be a new season of Southern Charm, the less hot, less interesting couple of Vanderpump Rules, because bad news just keeps coming. Last week it came out that Landon Clements isn’t returning to the show, and now this week, one of the main couples has broken up. It’s been confirmed that Craig Conover and Naomie Olindo are officially broken up, so I’m not sure who else is left to create drama on this show anymore.
Naomie confirmed the breakup in one of her Instagram comments (odd choice, but okay) earlier last week. Someone commented on one of Naomie’s pictures asking if she and Craig are still together. She replied, “unfortunately we are not. But we are still great friends”.
“Great friends”? Sure, Jan. Given how much Naomie and Craig openly hated each other when they were actually dating, I’d be shocked if they speak anymore. Not that there’s anything wrong with that—I don’t speak to any of my exes (I just choose to occasionally shade them in my TV recaps instead #HealthyBoundaries).
So now that Craig and Naomie are done and Landon won’t be thirsting over every guy within a five-foot radius, who’s going to bring the relationship drama? Austen and Chelsea were never that interesting, and Whitney and his random foreign hos rarely make it on camera. And I’m still not convinced Cameran’s husband exists, for what it’s worth. So who’s left? Just Thomas and Kathryn to carry the entire show? I mean, if we were dealing with old Kathryn, that could definitely work. But new-and-
less-crazy-improved Kathryn leaves much to be desired in the drama department (although I commend her strides in the parenting and not-snorting-cocaine departments).
I’m just going to call it now: I see the end of Southern Charm on the horizon. Everyone (minus Shep) is growing up and moving onto better things, or in Shep’s case, getting their own spin-offs. With Southern Charm Savannah still going on for reasons that are unknown to me, and the new Southern Charm New Orleans, maybe Bravo is just trying to shift from the OG Southern Charm to the different spin-offs. Who knows. Maybe Thomas and Kathryn will get their own spin-off. Honestly, that I’d watch.
Sorry this recap is late, I actually did it on time aka on Memorial Day like a fucking loser but then I kept forgetting to send it in so here we are. This week’s episode sucked anyway, as you’ll soon be able to tell from the dripping disdain that permeates every sentence of this recap. But uh, enjoy!
Craig couldn’t graduate from law school because he couldn’t satisfy his upper level writing requirement? Seriously? What a joke. This is like that time I almost didn’t graduate college because I almost failed my rock climbing gym class because I missed one too many classes
because I was hungover. Except I didn’t fail and also that mistake didn’t set me back like, 80K in debt.
Also I thought my college was cold for making me pay $50K for a piece of paper but Craig’s law school just gave him an email diploma. That’s way worse. Where did Craig go to law school, the University of Phoenix?
After a nice plug for Marshall’s/Home Goods, Chelsea meets up with Cameran to shop. We can stop with this whole “zen room” charade. Let’s just get to the obvious Shep/Austen convo which we all know is the real reason Chelsea and Cameran are appearing in the same place at the same time together.
Cameran: So last night at our dinner party everything was great, there was no drama…
Did we watch the same dinner party?
Cameran: Well of course Kathryn comes up.
Cam rehashes the phone call between Kathryn and Whitney. Literally why do I do this to myself and watch all these scenes that are just one person recapping last episode to another person? Also why does fucking Bravo do this to me?
Chelsea is like “Well IDK I cut Kathryn’s hair and she seemed nice.”
Cameran: I have seen Kathryn be an absolutely lovely person and I’ve seen her be a complete horror.
I mean, the same could be said of most people. Classic Cameran, flip-flopping when Chelsea wasn’t down to talk shit.
Craig meets Naomie for dinner to tell him he graduated law school. The first thing out of Naomie’s mouth is “I don’t even believe you right now.”
What should have been a happy conversation turns into Naomie being like “Well good thing you graduated law school because if you hadn’t we wouldn’t still be dating.” Which then segues into “Well are you gonna take the bar? Cheers to you finally being able to take the bar.” Look, Craig is no saint but holy shit, I honestly feel so bad for him rn. I don’t even think she actually said “Congratulations.” But again, typical Naomie, turning a chance to be supportive of her boyfriend into yet another opportunity to take shots at him. Honestly, I’m just sick of these people. Why do I do this to myself. *internally screams*
Shep calls Cameran to apologize and is like “I just want to bake a cake of rainbows and smiles and we can all eat it and be happy.”
Shep: I’m not on anyone’s side. I’m like Switzerland.
That’s exactly what I say when there’s a fight in the group text.
Shep is instigating a three-way calling attack and inviting Cameran and Kathryn to lunch.
Thomas is telling his kids’ nanny about how he has a date. Is it with Landon or with some random 20-year-old? My money is on the latter.
Oh ok I lied, Landon and Thomas are going to dinner. But what about Drew tho?? Have she and Landon even broken up? This is savage.
Landon: I know how Thomas feels about me. I know if I were to say yes I’d get a ring pretty quickly and get all the horses I want.
Well I’m glad she didn’t jump to any conclusions or be presumptuous or anything.
Thomas purposefully orders the most expensive bottle of cabernet and announces it like a fucking frat guy waving his credit card in front of the bartender’s face. Landon pronounces “Arnold Palmer” like “Arnold Palm-air” and I hope I’m not the only one who caught that. Yeah I know this recap is like, four days late but THE POINT STILL STANDS.
Thomas is making some dad joke about turquoise being from Turkey. Huh? Then he knocks over a glass of wine and says it’s just because Landon makes him nervous. That’s a funny way of saying “I’m wasted and pregamed this date”.
Landon: Well the reason I’m here is because Patricia told me I should consider you as a suitor.
But how does Landon feel? Also, are we in the 1800s? Who actually says the word “suitor” non-ironically?
Thomas: Just tell the critics something intellectual. Like Canterbury Tales, use thee, thy, thou.
What? What does that have to do with anything? “Go fuck thyself” is apparently the new insult now? OK, Grandpa.
OMG that random lady at the table next to them is like “I’ve watched you and you two put out a chemistry I’ve not seen before. And I can’t just sit here and say nohtig. I’ve been married for 34 years and I can tell you this little girl is your soul mate.” You gathered all that by sitting next to them for 45 seconds? The fuck is this bullshit, Bravo producers? How much did you pay this lady?
The lunch three-way call begins. Kathryn rolls up and orders “a regular Coca-Cola.” Like what, you worried they’re gonna misunderstand you if you order a “coke”? Because if so… DM me the address of this restaurant right tf now.
Apparently the last time Kathryn and Cam talked was when Kathryn asked her to lunch and Cam was like “It’s a no from me.” Ah, good times.
Whitney is making a surprise appearance at this lunch. See, I told you guys it was a three-way call attack. I guess it’s like a four-way lunch attack, more accurately?
Cam: I’m nervous, Kathryn in the past has been a bit unpredictable
^Says the woman who’s bringing Kathryn’s former hookup WITHOUT FUCKING TELLING ANYONE. But sure, Cameran. Fucking sure. Kathryn is the unpredictable one in this scenario.
Cameran: I don’t want anyone to think this is an ambush.
…She says as she ambushes them. Jesus fucking Crhist, are we sure Cameran isn’t the former senator of the group?
This silence is so awkward and long I went, got myself some wine, and came back and they were still awkwardly staring at each other.
Cameran: Well Kathryn I want you to know that we’re here because we support you and want you to feel supported and in the past you didn’t feel we supported you.
Whitney: In the past we’ve had our misunderstandings but it’s water under the bridge now.
Translation: I lied about the nature of our relationship but keep your fucking mouth shut.
Cameran: Are you totally checked out like with any romantic feelings with Thomas?
See this is the kind of shit I can’t stand about Kathryn. Literally last fucking episode she was like “I don’t wanna get involved in Thomas and Kathryn’s relationship, it’s none of our business.” And now here she is being like “So Kathryn are you still in love with Thomas? Is there any chance you’ll get back together?” I said it last time and I’ll say it again. Get this bitch outta here.
Kathryn brings up the letter and everyone acts like they didn’t already know this letter existed.
Craig meets Austen to do some golfing. I feel like the production team of this show also took a long weekend because why the fuck do I need to watch a 5-minute scene of Craig and Austen sucking at golf?
Holy shit I didn’t know Chelsea has been engaged twice. No wonder the poor girl doesn’t wanna jump into relationship with Shep Jr.
Shep goes to get his hair cut by Chelsea and he’s like “poor you, you have a thousand guys chasing you.” Literally me every time one of my hot friends complains about guys.
Are we really still on this faux Bro Code thing where Shep is STILL mad Austen didn’t ask his permission to go for Chelsea? Shep, calm the fuck down. You’re not her dad and Austen isn’t asking for her hand in marriage.
Shep asks Chelsea “What do you want?” and she says “I don’t want to be married!” Like uhh… that escalated quickly. Then she adds “I just think it would be nice to have one person you sleep with exclusively.”
Uhh do you not realize that you just described a relationship? Yeah it’s a pretty typical and conventional thing people do. Not that outside of the box at all. Looks like Chelsea is like other girls after all…
Thomas is planning a birthday party for Kenzie and he invites his dad and his dad’s like “Well I can’t come, I’m going to the dentist at 2:30.” LMAO. I could hear like, YEARS’ worth of disappointment in Thomas’ voice. Like, years of missed baseball games, high school graduations, birthday parties… ouch.
Holy shit Landon is going on a date with Drew. YOU LITTLE MINX!
Landon’s telling Drew how she isn’t allowed to call her website Roam anymore, which totally explains a lot.
Landon: It turns out, there are several other websites called Roam.
Gee, it just “turns out.” It’s not like you couldn’t have found that out easily if you had just fucking typed it into the internet or… IDK, used basic deductive reasoning since you had to hyphenate your own website’s URL….
Landon’s on this date talking about how her eggs are drying up. Christ, woman.
Landon: I don’t wanna mislead you because I really like you a lot and I respect you.
So you’re not gonna mislead him even though you’ve gone on dates with Thomas behind his back? Cool.
Ugh Landon’s crying. This s a fucking mess.
Landon: I’m not gonna cry again.
Also Landon: *starts crying about how she’s had her dog for 12 years and she hasn’t had a boyfriend to walk the dog with her.*
Landon is like “I just want someone to walk the dog with me!” while sobbing. Christ, woman. Hire a TaskRabbit. Get it the fuck together.
Oh I lied it’s Saint’s birthday. WTF ever. Kathryn and Elizabeth are getting lunch or some shit.
Elizabeth: So what’s gong on with you and Thomas?
Kathryn: IDK I sent him a letter but he never replied.
Elizabeth: He actually did write you a letter back…. and I just so happen to have it here right now!!!!
Pulling a Chris Harrison starting Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette during After The Final Rose.