Another day, another breadcrumb in the Kardashian pregnancy conspiracy theory thread. Today’s latest piece of evidence that probably confirms what we’ve all shadily known for months comes courtesy of Khloé Kardashian’s Snapchat, where it looks like she may have dropped an accidental clue. But then again, is anything really accidental when Kris Jenner is involved? Other than these pregnancies, probably not. Actually, Khloé’s pregnancy was probably planned, but you get what I mean. (Kylie’s was definitely an accident, though, because I refuse to believe that anyone, even a rapper who recently rapped “let me cum inside ya / let me plant my seed inside ya”, would purposefully impregnate a 20-year-old Kylie Jenner.) Anyway. On Sunday, Khloé promoted her Diff Eyewear sunglasses on her Snapchat story, where some eagle eyes noticed something very interesting in the reflection of her shades.
Do you see it? Me either, because
I’m not a psychopath I have no idea what I’m looking for. So look carefully into the left lens (your left—not Khloé’s). Do you see what looks like a person laying face-down wearing white pants? Yeah. That is probably not a dead body, and is more likely a pregnancy pillow. Here’s a photo in case you are unable to conjure up a mental image of one such pillow on your own (don’t worry, I have never even heard of these things until just now).
So I mean, yeah, that’s probably what this is, but I still have to ask: Why does it look like there’s a torso attached to this pillow, though? I still may call the police just to be sure. Like, how do we know this isn’t Rob’s lifeless body? WE DON’T. Somebody check on Rob to make sure he’s okay.
On a less morbid note, this pillow could, I guess, be Kylie’s or Kim’s or even left over from Kourtney’s or Blac Chyna’s pregnancies. Maybe it’s like, the sisterhood of the traveling pregnancy pillow. Do I really think that? No. But I’ve got to throw out all viable options in the name of journalism. It could also be like, a pair of Tristan’s pants he left on the floor or some shit. Maybe Khloé is sub-Snapchatting him for not picking up after himself. It’s probably the pregnancy pillow, though. #Journalism. I will now await my Pulitzer prize.
That’s all the news I have for today. Stay tuned for December 24th, when an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians entitled “Baby Fever” is slated to air. That’s right. On Christmas. The devil may work hard, but Kris Jenner works a hell of a lot harder. Actually, you can’t tell me Kris Jenner isn’t the devil. Who else would drop news this big on fucking Christmas? I’ll wait.
This fall, while everyone has been busy talking about the Mueller investigation and when Trump will get indicted, we’ve been focused on investigating something more important: the mysterious Kardashian pregnancies. It’s been months at this point, and both Kylie and Khloé have managed to somehow avoid fully confirming their ~alleged~ pregnancies. But that might be about to change. It looks like Khloé is getting ready to announce her pregnancy, and here’s why.
On the most recent episode of Keeping Up, it was Christmas at Kris Jenner’s house, and she just couldn’t keep her mouth shut about her many grandchildren. The family had their big Christmas dinner (filmed in October, naturally), and Kris started to tear up while giving the following speech:
“I used to pray that one of you guys would have a baby. And now it’s like a faucet that that we turned on and it won’t turn off, so the fact that I have all these grandchildren—it’s been the most amazing journey to watch your kids . It’s truly the meaning of life.”
So besides Kris being a hormonal mess, she’s also basically giving confirmation that like, all of her children are currently pregnant. She also goes Christmas shopping in the episode, and she talks about shopping for her grandkids as something that “never seems to end.” Kris is teasing us, and we need more info.
Another interesting development came this week when Kris bought another mansion in LA, adding to her family’s already impressive LA real estate portfolio. It’s unclear who or what the house is for, but Kris definitely doesn’t need it. Our theory is that she could be getting a new house ready for Khloé while Khloé is busy hanging out with Tristan in Cleveland.
Khloé’s been spending most of her time in Cleveland recently, which makes sense, because Tristan is there for the NBA season, but also because there are literally no paparazzi in Ohio. When Khloé has been out and about, she’s been wearing giant sweatshirts and holding her purse in front of her stomach, because that doesn’t draw any attention.
So here’s our guess: Kim’s baby is supposedly due before Christmas, which means she’ll be the center of attention a month from now. If Khloé announces her pregnancy sometime in the next couple weeks, it’ll give her the perfect time in the spotlight, and then she can go back to Cleveland and lay on the couch until the baby comes. Khloé’s time as the center of attention has been historically pretty limited, so she should really seize this opportunity to be the most important sister.
I’ll just come out and say it: At this point, the Kardashians need to just fucking confirm their pregnancies already. We know Kylie and Khloé are pregnant. They know we know they’re pregnant. We know they know we know they’re pregnant. They know we know they know… wait, what was I saying? Oh, right. The world knows Khloé and Kylie are pregnant. So can they stop trifling and just confirm it so we can all move on with our lives? No, because there’s no endless stream of speculation-related publicity in that. Ugh, Kris Jenner is such a genius, but sometimes I wish she would use her genius for good instead of evil. Well, Kris didn’t officially confirm Khloé and Kylie’s pregnancies, but she did the next best thing: she basically confirmed them via Instagram.
Six days ago (how am I just learning about this now?? I need to update my Google alerts), Kris Jenner posted an Instagram of a bunch of pajama sets (which you can buy here if you’re so inclined), and wrote in the caption, “thank you for a collection for every one of my grandchildren”. EVERY ONE OF MY GRANDCHILDREN. Now check out this picture. Can you figure out how many grandchildren Kris is going to have?
Thank you so much #burtsbeesbaby @burtsbeesbaby #bbbfamjams for the most amazing collection of family jammies ever and i am obsessed with the plaid !!!!! Can’t wait to cuddle up with the kids #holidayseason thank you for a collection for every one of my grandchildren ❤️ #blessed #grateful thanks for the idea @oprah !!
If you can do basic counting (congrats), you’ve quickly determined that Kris has nine—count ’em, nine—grandkids. She’s already got Saint, North, and Kim’s new baby who I’m going to preemptively name Goddess (it could happen), Penelope, Mason, and Reign. Oh, and Dream. I always forget about Dream. So that’s seven grandkids total if you can still do basic counting. BUT THAT STILL LEAVES TWO PAJAMA SETS. That leaves only one viable conclusion:
Kris is keeping two pajama sets for herself the other sets are for Khloé and Kylie’s babies, respectively. And boom goes the dynamite.
Bam. We just blew this case wide open. It’s been another productive day at the internet. Good job, team. Let’s pack it in for today.
You guys, it pains me to say this, but it’s starting to look like all of the Kardashians are actually pregnant. AT THE SAME TIME. *takes slow, calming breaths* I’m not sure how Kris did it, but she managed to sabotage all of her children’s birth control in one fell swoop. You know, except with Rob. Kris is ambitious, not completely reckless. Over the past few weeks it’s been theorized that aside from Kim’s confirmed pregnancy, Kylie, Khloé, and now potentially Kourtney are all also pregnant. That means we might have FOUR new Kardashians in 2018. Lol, and just when we thought 2018 was going to be our year. The inside of my mind is starting to resemble a Criminal Minds crime board with how quickly I’m trying to Keep Up and connect the dots, but in all of the
carefully assembled PR stunts chaos, I’ve somehow managed to still find the time to theorize about Kardashian baby names. It’s all about how you waste your time multitask these days, you know? Not to brag, but I’ve been Keeping Up with these hoes since season one of KUWTK, so I’d say I have a pretty good idea of what goes on inside the mind of a Kardashian. *adds “find better hobbies” to to-do list* So here are my Kardashian baby name predictions based off my extensive knowledge of the inner-workings of this batshit family:
Let’s start with Kimmy, seeing as she’s the only confirmed pregnancy at the moment. Now, if you’ll recall, Kim hired
Offred a surrogate to carry her third child. So naturally, Kim has been living her best life preparing for the baby’s arrival by showing off her semi-nude body every chance she gets. Meanwhile, her surrogate is confined to the basement of Kris’s Calabasas mansion living off Kombucha and prenatal vitamins, listening to Kanye’s latest album on loop, and reading aloud the contents of Selfish to her stomach at bedtime (I assume). Kim and Kanye will most definitely name their child something like Savior or Second (as in the second coming) because, let’s face it, they think all of their children are the second coming of Jesus Christ even though the only reason Kim isn’t still cleaning out Paris Hilton’s closet is because Kris knew the right people to pimp out her daughter’s sex tape to. Without the added pregnancy weight or the pain of childbirth to humble her, Kim will throw subtlety to the wind and go all out when naming this child.
Khloé has reportedly been trying to have a baby for longer than I’ve been (legally) allowed to drink. If
she did impregnate herself with a used condom 2.5 seconds after Tristan Thompson left her apartment by some miracle she is pregnant, then Mazel Tov, I can’t think of a more deserving person for this to happen to. I only hope that the baby will be as savage as she is. That said, Khloé will choose a name that reflects how grateful she is for her kid. Something that says “I’ve been poking holes in condoms praying for this moment for years.”
Kourtney’s hard to predict for many reasons. On the one hand, she named her first two children, Mason and Penelope, relatively normal names. I’m guessing she let Scott name Reign before she realized he was still on a bender when she went into labor. That’s the only explanation for that name, really. But on the other hand, Kourtney’s weird AF. I wouldn’t put it past her to name her fourth born after her favorite brand of organic deodorant. That said, if it’s a boy I think Kourtney will name him after the father, aka hot model Younes Bendjima, as one last fuck you to Scott. If the baby’s a girl, I think she’ll name it after herself because she DGAF and knows that she’s a queen among peasants and so too will be her child. She’ll spell it with a “C”, though, to make it different and also as one last fuck you to Kris Jenner.
Even though Kylie just barely made it out of teen mom territory, she’s not stupid. At 20 years old, she’s built herself a billion-dollar business off of pretending that any sort of makeup product gave her that face. And we’re all falling for it, one seasonal lip kit at a time. *internally screams* Lately, though, Kylie’s had to compete with the likes of Rihanna, who actually sells quality makeup, so I’m sure Kylie will use this baby as some sort of PR stunt for her beauty empire. She’ll name her kid something brandable, like Dolce—a name she found on Tumblr, along with her fashion inspiration, and which was also one of her best-selling lip kits. She’ll come out with a new lip kit based on the kid’s eye color or the color of its first shit and call it “Dolce Like The Ocean” which will make no fucking sense, but you’ll buy it anyway because it sold out in the first five seconds so that has to mean something, RIGHT?! Regardless of the baby’s gender, the name will stay the same: Dolce. She’s hoping for a girl, but will keep the name if it’s a boy because she’ll be in denial.
K, if you need me I’ll just be here, constantly refreshing every entertainment site to see if we can go one fucking week without another Kardashian pregnancy. Tbh, I don’t have high hopes that Kris or MJ won’t come out as pregnant next. If anyone could defy science, it’s this fucking family.
These days, it’s hard to check your phone without finding out about another pregnant Kardashian. It is our blessing, and our curse. So it should honestly come as no surprise that now rumors are circulating that Kourtney Kardashian is also pregnant so like, apparently 2018 will have double the amount of Kardashians we experienced in 2017. Bless up.
Now obviously, if this is true, the next question is: Who’s the father? It’s obviously not Scott seeing as he’s dating
a middle school child Sofia Richie. In this case, the father would likely be Kourtney’s model boyfriend, Younes Bendjima, meaning this new potential Kardashian might be the most beautiful Kardashian yet.
But like, is any of this true, or is it all
just another ploy by Kris Jenner to get ratings fake news? Unclear, but Kourtney may have responded to the rumor, originally printed in Life & Style (so take it as you will), with this cryptic Snapchat:
| Kourtney via Snapchat. (Kourtneykardash) LINDA ❤️ pic.twitter.com/bOfkDCBKFF
— Kourtney Brasil (@PortalKourtneyK) October 12, 2017
Who is she sticking her tongue at? Her future child? Or us, the American people, or believing all of this nonsense? I mean, those pants seem a little too tight, and a little too leather for a pregnant woman, but I’ve never been pregnant so WTF do I know?
Again, all of these rumors are totally unsubstantiated. That being said, please excuse me while I begin the nine month long prep I need for next season of KUWTK when literally everyone is pregnant. Kendall, you’re next.
You read that headline correctly. Just fuck me up right now, fam. We’ve kind of known this for a while now, but it’s now been officially confirmed by Kim Kardashian herself that she and Kanye are expecting a third child via a surrogate. This news comes in the midst of rumors about Kylie’s pregnancy, Khloé’s pregnancy, reports of Rob’s lawsuit with Blac Chyna….have I missed anything? Kendall, are you pregnant? Kris, Caitlyn, do you have anything you’d like to share with the group? No? You sure? Okay. Let’s move on.
In a new teaser for Keeping Up With The Kardashians season 14,—which premieres this Sunday, btw #notanad—Kim can be seen FaceTiming with Khloé to tell her that her surrogate is pregnant. Kim shared the clip on her Twitter, and I’ve generously provided an embedded version of that same tweet below. Some day in the future, they will build monuments to my generosity and kindness.
Season 14 is gonna be wild. Tune in this Sunday!!! #KUWTK pic.twitter.com/rnpIdGiNyK
— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) September 28, 2017
So, this all sheds a new light on the Kylie and Khloé rumors. I hate to say it, but I’m starting to come around. I mean, I never really doubted that Khloé coule be pregnant—she’s supposedly been trying for like, 10,000 years to have a baby. But Kylie? She just beat the odds of becoming a teen mom like, what, two months ago? I just didn’t want to believe it, but now, given that there were reports swirling for a long-ass time that Kim was pregnant via surrogate, she kind of tried to downplay them without outright denying them, and now, months later, she’s confirming it? This is exactly like how the Khloé/Kylie pregnancy reports originated. Fuck, you guys. I just don’t want to live in a world with Kylie’s spawn just yet. I thought I had a good five peaceful years ahead of me.
Then again, it’s extremely possible and just as equally likely that the Kylie/Khloé pregnancy rumors are patently false and were purposefully leaked the week before the KUWTK season premiere because they knew nobody would watch this godforsaken show otherwise. With Kris Jenner, all things are possible. Does that make Kris Jenner God? Honestly, I think so.
In a world where three Kardashian sisters are pregnant at the same time (reportedly), one starts to wonder: Am I pregnant? Am I a member of this pregnancy pact too? When will Kris break the news to TMZ? Obviously, you have to be prepared so you know when to act like your pregnancy reports don’t exist and go about your normal life while you watch everyone torturing themselves trying to figure out if the news is true. If the past week has taught us anything, it is that there is no greater power than a pregnant Kardashian/Jenner. So, are you pregnant too? Let’s find out:
1. What letter does your first name start with?
c. Neither of those ugly letters
2. Does your mom(ager) desperately want a grandchild from you?
a. Ugh yes
B. Probably but she gave up on that for me long ago hahahhcrying
c. Nope, she wants me to focus on my career because she’s a 21st century lady/that bitch knows she can’t tell me what to do
3. Pick an animal
b. Black lab
c. My Gucci fur slides
4. How do you handle stress?
a. Spend three hours trying to take a good selfie until I cry myself to sleep
B. Work out until I pass out, you know how it is!
c. Idk I just remind myself that I literally don’t care at all
5. Of these names, which is your favorite for your (potential) baby? Yes, you have to choose.
6. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
a. Where I am right now haha oops! Got a little carried away!
b. In Fergie’s “M.I.L.F. $ Part 2” music video
c. Far, far away from all the bullshit
If you got mostly A’s: Yup, you’re definitely pregnant. Bible.
As if you aren’t the center of attention often enough, you are now pregnant and can milk this (haha) for a very long time. Rub my feet! Tell my I’m pretty! Buy my lip kits! This is going to be a beautiful journey for you and a fiery pit of hell for your mom and friends. Enjoy it while it lasts, because once that baby is out it’s only a matter of time (20 years) before they shock the world with a pregnancy of their own.
If you got mostly B’s: Bitch, you might be!
You’re not NOT pregnant… you should definitely pee on a stick ASAP. You’ve been ready for this moment for years, so if it’s finally here, congrats! You and whoever knocked you up should be very happy. Your friends and family will be overjoyed with the news and will be by your side every step of the way. And if that First Response responds with “nah, you’re just bloated,” we’re sorry. Sorry that you’re bloated, sorry that you’re not pregnant, and sorry for repeating it now. It’s nothing you haven’t dealt with before, though! Way harsh, Tai? Whatever. Better luck next time.
If you got mostly C’s: Hell no, skinny bitch, your crimson flow is still a’coming
Take a deep sigh of relief, you are not pregnant. At least, not this time. Keep on looking the hottest you ever have in your life; there’s no baby bump forming inside you. This doesn’t mean you’re off the hook, though. Make sure your mom or gold-digging boy toy hasn’t switched out your birth control with Smarties. Something weird is going on in your inner circle, and you don’t want to get roped into that mess. Beware of the plastics.