Hello! And welcome back to your regularly scheduled Kardashian news breakdown. It’s like The Sup, but about butts and Photoshop, and is far more judgmental. Fun! For those of you who don’t have working eyes and ears and thus haven’t been following along, Khloé Kardashian has had a rough couple of weeks lately with the media. This is in part because we’ve been savagely roasting her ass for the Photoshop abominations she’s been trying to pass off as legitimate Instagram posts and, like, we’re not going to apologize for that. It’s called investigative journalism, sweetie, look it up!! And, look, the articles don’t all come from a bad place here. Khloé’s been my favorite Kardashian ever since Kim and Kris started gracing our screens in their matching Juicy tracksuits with their delusions of grandeur, but MY GOD, Khloé, I can’t see one more lumpy arm or a butt with missing chunks on my IG feed or I’m going to have to start reporting your posts to Instagram HQ for offensive material. Consider this your last warning, Khlo! But Khloé recently just came for all her photoshop haters, and let’s just say it was a petty masterpiece.
The clapback went down in Khloé’s IG comments, because apparently the comments section on Instagram is destined to be our generation’s courtroom. Here’s the sitch: last Friday Khloé posted a selfie to Instagram in which people in the comments section heavily implied that she had tampered with the photo. I’m not sure what gave her away: the millennial pink overlay or the fact that her face in this photo is entirely different than the one she was born with? Khloé wrote “Good vibes only” as her caption, which is pretty much an invitation for people to troll her photo—at least that’s what I tell my sister every time she thinks she can get away with using that caption (it’s for your own good, sis!). Judge the photo for yourself:
Look, I’m no Photoshop expert (you’ll have to slide into Holly Gobetchy’s DMs for that), so I’m not going to blast Khloé for what could be another photoshop fail or just a really good
plastic surgeon “filter.” But my feelings are apparently too nice about the matter because fans WENT IN on Khloé for Photoshopping her selfie, to which Khloé responded with more passive aggression than I use to email HR about our lack of a summer Friday policy. Let’s look at the comment, shall we:
Wooowww the kissy face emoji, Khloé? Really? That’s the emoji I usually reserve for commenting on any sorority sister’s IG post thanking people for birthday wishes when I did not in fact wish her a happy birthday, but okay.
Let’s break down the comment real quick, shall we? We have one commenter @missdingledobbs, who thinks that Khloé photoshopped her selfie because in the photo we can’t see the mole that Khloé was born with on her face. We also can’t see the nose, lips, or cheek bones, but sure let’s focus on the mole. We have another commenter, @asmarsmi, defending Khloé by saying: “I have 3 on mine. Ahh the miracles of foundation and laziness of taking it off with a q-tip in those spots.” That’s the comment Khloé responds to with three kissy face emojis, effectively shading her hater and saying without really saying that this photo is the result of a sh*t ton of foundation and not photoshopping. K.
But Khloé’s not done yet! Another commenter said: “your eyes got pulled back too much.” To which Khloé responded with:
“@mari_888_sol so now my eyes are pulled back? Lol oh man… you guys are really reaching. But sure, whatever you want to believe. I’m good with whatever babe much love sent your way.”
Tbh I think Khloé has a fair point here. This photo was clearly not photoshopped so much as it was sculpted by her plastic surgeon in a remote Calabasas location 8-12 months prior. Come on, anyone can see that. Get your facts right, @mari_888_sol!
Well that’s your daily dose of Kardashian news. I’d love to say “that’s all for today” or even “that’s all for this hour” but knowing Kris Jenner and also Khloé’s passion for FaceTune, I’m sure you’ll be hearing from us a lot sooner than that. Until then!
Images: @khloekardashian /Instagram (3)
Kourtney Kardashian is proof that your body can actually look better with age. She’s also proof that people seriously buy that shit you pass in Whole Foods and ask, “Organic mushroom cordyceps? WTF has this world become?” Aside from working out on a daily basis and adhering to a strict gluten-free, dairy-free diet, Kourtney Kardashian’s diet includes shit-ton of weird supplements and wellness tricks. Like, it’s worse than you’d think. I’ve always been down to try different wellness routines and health tricks, so I took a look at Kourtney’s daily routine and picked five wellness rituals I thought I’d be able to stick to for a solid amount of time. I quickly eschewed the spoonful of ghee butter every morning, but I found five that seemed realistic. Here’s what I learned.
1. Probiotic Supplement
I’ve already raved about the benefits of daily probiotics on this site, so this one was easy for me to take on. I’ve taken different multivitamins and iron supplements in the past and had never actually felt their effects, but when it came to taking a probiotic, it was a game-changer. Probiotics are basically healthy bacteria for your gut, and they help balance the microbiome in our bodies. They’re supposed to improve the immune system, lower blood pressure, and help regulate digestion. I took one in the morning before my coffee, and within a couple days, I already felt like my digestion was better and my stomach didn’t hurt at all during the day. IDK what brand Kourtney Kardashian’s diet includes but I assume they’re all pretty similar, so get on board.
2. Apple Cider Vinegar
Kourtney has raved about this one for a while now: The daily ACV. Kourtney drinks a tablespoon of organic apple cider vinegar mixed with water in the morning, and she claims it does wonders for her skin and body. I was kinda skeptical about this one because the idea of drinking vinegar on an empty stomach makes me wanna hurl, but I sucked it up and did it. Honestly, I’m not sure if it did anything for me. It actually made my esophagus feel pretty acidic and weird, and mixing it with water just made it taste like watered down vinegar. Not a fan.
3. Vegan Probiotic Shot
A key part of Kourtney Kardashian’s diet is the vegan probiotic shot that she takes in the morning before her avocado pudding, and honestly I still don’t know what this is. Luckily I live down the street from Pressed Juicery so I asked them for anything that related to a vegan probiotic shot. They gave me their Digestion Shot, which turned out to be a tiny bottled concoction of ginger, probiotics, parsley, aloe vera, celery, moringa, and yup—that goddamn apple cider vinegar again. The actual shot tasted pretty good and it wasn’t hard to get down. I’ve taken ginger shots in the past when I’ve felt a cold coming on, and this was a piece of cake compared to those things. But like, not actual cake, obviously. It’s essentially a shot of celery and aloe vera. Keep expectations low.
4. Gallon Of Water
I know a gallon of water seems like a lot, but if you’ve watched enough episodes of Keeping Up, you know what the Kardashian’s supply of refrigerated Smart Waters looks like, so it’s not that surprising that this girl is chugging water all day. If I had a designated fridge for water I’d probably drink more of it, too. Anyway, drinking a gallon of water everyday was difficult, especially in the winter. When it’s warm out it’s probably easy to get more water down, but I live in New York City and I don’t really feel like chugging a 24-pack of Poland Spring when I’d rather be sipping on a hot cocoa. I was also running to the bathroom to pee every five minutes. Why don’t they show that on the show?
5. Vegan Protein Supplement
Kourtney eats a lot of lean protein sources, like grilled chicken, fish, and eggs, but she also adds vegan protein powder to her post-workout shakes for some added protein. Once again, IDK what brand Kourtney uses, but I bought an organic blend of pea protein and brown rice protein from Whole Foods and mixed it with vanilla almond milk after my workout. Honestly, it was pretty good. Vegan protein is known for being a little more grainy and not as creamy as whey protein powders, but after an aggressive shake, the powder mixed pretty well and tasted kinda like a watered down vanilla milkshake. It sounds gross but like, it’s a vegan protein shake… IDK what I expected. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.
Images: Giphy (5); Shutterstock