How did YOU spend your Christmas Eve? I spent mine pretending to understand my uncles’ fancy finance jobs (I’m sorry, but how are BlackSTONE and BlackROCK NOT the same thing?) or acting like my cousins’ PR jobs and Etsy shops selling festival accessories for Burning Man are legitimately rewarding and respectable career paths (LOL they aren’t). But then again, I write about Shakespearean sh*tshows like Pump Rules and the Kardashians for a website my grandparents think is called “B*tches,” so who am I to judge them? And yet I do judge them, because, like my grandparents said, I write for a site that’s called “B*tches.” At least I got to sneak off to the bathroom for copious amounts of time to vicariously live through the Kardashians and watch their Instagram stories from their Khristmas Eve party! (Special shoutout to lactose intolerance and eggnog for giving me a believable excuse). We’ve talked about how the Kardashians have the most iconic holiday celebrations, so of course I had to give you the lowdown on what I learned about the Kardashians while I was hiding away from celebrating Christmas with my own flesh and blood.
So instead of Kris throwing their annual Khristmas party this year, Kim threw it instead. (Sidenote: do I seriously have to spell everything that has a C with a K for this article? Because I can’t go along with this joke for that long.) Anyways, upon entering, there was a tunnel of lights that legit looked electric (no pun intended). That tunnel is literally what Thomas Edison invented the lightbulb for (that was his doing right?), and it is literally what environmentalists are protesting! But oh well, it looks cool on Instagram! The inside of her house was all white. Like, whiter than Sunday brunch at Bagatelle. Let me put it this way: it was as if P. Diddy’s white party’s event planner and Jeff Koons did a collab on an igloo. That’s honestly the only way I can articulate it. Pictures do it way better justice.
And leave it to Kim Kardashian to make it snow in L.A. Because if this chick can make it from being Paris Hilton’s closet organizer to being on the cover of Vogue, she can certainly make it snow in L.A. while it barely even snowed in New England. This may sound sacreligious, especially on his b-day, but Kim Kardashian frankly performed a miracle more impressive than Jesus turning wine into water. No offense, Jesus!
The Fam’s Outfits
So let’s start off with the hostess, Kim, who totally underwhelmed us by wearing a dress that’s a knockoff from her Met Gala dress from 2017. Kourtney, on the other hand, looked leggy and gorgeous by wearing a black velvet mini dress with a bow accent (is that what it’s called? I’m not Anna Wintour here!). Kendall must’ve gotten the memo that she was too boring to make our worst Kardashian makeovers list, so she decided to go against the theme and dress in a highlighter yellow full length dress. Sweetie, in a party that is all white, you look like a trail of dog piss that’s left in the snow. But at least you got our attention!
Khloé and Kylie had matching outfits with their respective condom accidents–I mean–publicity stunts. But it wasn’t some Laura Ashley level sh*t our moms used to make us wear. Kylie wore a sparkly dress and Stormi wore a sparkly onesie, and they both totally worked it. Meanwhile, Khloe wore a star-studded top that matched True’s star-studded onesie, but she spared True the embarrassment by being the only one who wore a skirt that looks like…I can’t…I don’t even know what that monstrosity looks like. A wedding dress on the sales rack at David’s Bridal that went through a woodchipper? That’s all I got.
And can we please talk about Kris, while we’re at it? Kris wore an all silver full length gown and a platinum blonde wiglet. Was Schitt’s Creek‘s Moira Rose based off Kris Jenner or was Kris Jenner based off Schitt’s Creek’s Moira Rose? These are the questions that we should’ve answered when I was a Philosophy major instead of meaningless sh*t like “Does free will exist?”.
The Guest List
Of course, the Kardashian’s annual Christmas Eve fête had the creme de la creme of the C-list with some A-listers thrown in. Jennifer Lopez showed up with her rumored fiancé A-Rod (I don’t even know his real name-I just know that he has a giant painting of him as a centaur in his house). Kyle Richards of RHOBH and her fam also showed up. John Legend performed, but it doesn’t look like Chrissy Teigen showed face because there’s no photographic evidence of her being there and her Instagram stories were surprisingly dead on Christmas Eve. Kimora Lee Simmons was there because apparently they wanted to stay on theme for Christmas and stay on #brand for E! so they invited the Ghosts of Failed E! Reality Shows’ Past. Look, if you’re gonna do that, at least invite ones that know how to party, like Alexis Neiers from Pretty Wild or the Olly Girls from Sunset Tan. Those girls were my idols in middle school. It looks like Jonathan Cheban was a no-show, which is weird because usually he would be super in-your-face about how he was invited. I suppose they realize that he was so creepy as Santa on their contrived “Christmas Special” they had him dress as the Grinch instead. (Yes, they actually had someone dressed as the Grinch at this party.)
…And The More Interesting Guest List
Paris Hilton ended up showing up again this year, and she actually went sledding with Kim! It was some early 2000s level antics, but I can’t help but think they’re still frenemies. You know why? She was caught on Instagram cuddling up to Sofia Richie. They made a video selfie together with Paris saying her catchphrase “That’s hot.” #TBT to 2004 when we all had the dELiA*s t-shirt that said “That’s hot” back when it was actually relevant. Stop trying to make “That’s hot” happen again, Paris. It’s never going to happen. She really is trying to make some Simple Life shenanigans again with the mini Richie, yet Sofia’s big sis Nicole Richie clearly can’t be bothered to relive the past. Anyways, kinda crazy that Sofia Richie showed up, right? Well, we all saw it coming since she just got back from vacationing in Mexico with Scott, Kourt, and their kids, like, hours before.
But the most controversial guest? Caitlyn Jenner. Kim and Kris both were up on their soapboxes saying how they’ll never talk to Caitlyn again after she aired out Kris in her tell-all book, yet there she was. And she brought Sophia Hutchens, her much younger girlfriend? Or companion? Business partner? I’m not sure what they are, and Sophia doesn’t either. Oh well! The craziest part is that barely legal Sofia and Sophia (weird coincidence) were up past their bedtimes and out at a party instead of waiting for Santa to come. At least Caitlyn and the Kardashians have made amends in time for the holidays. This was so touching, and if my shrink didn’t increase my antidepressants to the point where I didn’t feel emotion, I probably would’ve shed a tear.
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So happy to be with family last night! Boy oh boy!!! @kimkardashian and Kanye know how to make a winter wonderland!! So good seeing everyone and celebrating such a special time of year with you all! Love you all. @kendalljenner @kyliejenner @kimkardashian @kourtneykardash @khloekardashian @krisjenner
Reign Is Still Kourtney’s Favorite
I don’t even know what Penelope or Mason wore that night. They may not have even shown up. Clearly Reign is the favorite. We told you so!
Kris Jenner’s Cooking
First off, props to Kris Jenner for including Travis and Tristan on the family’s gingerbread house even though they were no shows at the party to make it seem like their relationships aren’t totally doomed. Anyways, Kris talking about getting up at 4 a.m. to make this meal that puts Martha Stewart to shame?
Kris is a queen, but she sits on a throne of lies. I am the proud owner of an autographed copy of Kris Jenner’s cookbook, and I can assure you that none of the recipes in that book are this ornate or creative. The only highlight in that book is when she talks about her Hermes dishware. While she clearly is business savvy, she’s no master chef and doesn’t have a modicum of culinary finesse. Kris so obviously ordered this smorgasbord of diabetes from professional chefs. I mean, I do the same thing when I order off GrubHub for a date and pretend that I made it, so I can’t really blame her for passing this off as her own.
I hope everyone had a merry Christmas, and I will be spending the next year trying to secure an invite to the 2019 Kardashian Khristmas.
Images: @kimkardashian / Instagram; @kendalljenner / Instagram; @khloekardashian / Instagram; Giphy; @foodgod / Instagram; @caitlynjenner / Instagram; @kourtneykardashian / Instagram; @krisjenner / Instagram
Ever since your dad said to you, “Hey sweetie, maybe instead of leaving out milk and cookies for Santa and leave him Cheeto’s and beer instead” and it suddenly dawned on you that the whole Santa thing doesn’t add up, Christmas became less and less exciting. Or maybe that was just my dad. In any case, by now, you’re probably using your birth control pills as an advent calendar, you literally only take advantage of Cyber Monday to buy stuff for yourself, and the only thing you’re looking forward to at family gatherings is the open bar. But one family we can always count on to never lose the Christmas spirit is the Kardashians. Let’s live vicariously through them as we check out some of their most over-the-top Khristmas moments.
Literally All Their Christmas Cards
Kardashian Christmas Card 2011 and School of Athens by Raphael pic.twitter.com/6z9yVr6Ukv
— LesYeuxHiboux (@TryScience) December 20, 2017
This might be the most ADORABLE Kardashian Christmas card yet: https://t.co/LYqvhBcEVU pic.twitter.com/m0geIpVtmC
— ELLE Magazine (US) (@ELLEmagazine) December 24, 2015
This family doesn’t have the capacity to feel shame, so it’s not shocking that they sent these out without feeling a modicum of embarrassment. But hey, at least there’s photographic evidence out there that Rob was actually hot at one point. It actually ruined my Christmas when I was told that there would be no Love Advent calendar or over-the-top Kardashian kard this year.
…And Scott Disick’s Hanukkah Card
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Scott Disick’s Hanukkah card is actually way better than the Kardashian’s Christmas card
Okay, so not many of us remember this because we try to forget the era where Scott’s aesthetic was “Goldman Sach’s business analyst buys you a vodka soda and invites you back to his Upper East Side apartment that he nicknamed ‘The Ski Lodge’ because he does so much cocaine there.” Not that I’ve been ghosted by any of those guys before or anything (because them hitting me up for Adderall once in a while doesn’t totally mean I was ghosted). But I digress. Hanukkah and Christmas have their respective holiday customs, but one that they share in common? Family tension stemming from pent-up holiday stress and grudges that comes to a boil right around the holidays. And traditionally, this results in some salacious shade. I honestly think this Hanukkah card is way better than any Kardashian Christmas card, because unlike the Kardashian cards, he clearly isn’t taking it that seriously and it’s funny as f*ck.
Their Cringeworthy Christmas Special
How can we forget the Kardashian Christmas special from last year? First off, it was filmed in October, so it’s like the television equivalent of Starbucks serving pumpkin spice lattes in August. They had the kids making Christmas cookies with Travis Barker from Blink-182, of all people, and you can tell that even Penelope is like, “It’s way too early for this nonsense.” They also had that cringeworthy ~*~Christmas dinner~*~ scene that wasn’t even Christmas dinner. I honestly don’t remember what they were talking about because I was too captivated by the camera guys clearly trying to hide the fact that Kylie was not-so-secretly pregnant. And what was up with that final scene where they had an ice skating rink in their backyard and suddenly Nancy Kerrigan shows up? I kind of felt bad for Nancy at that point, because Tonya Harding was getting all the Academy Award glory, so clearly Nancy would have done anything to stay relevant at that point—even attending a Christmas special that, as Buddy the Elf would say, “sits on a throne of lies!”
Paris And Kim’s First Reunion At Their Christmas Party
Mending fences with your ex-bestie who said on the radio that your ass looks like cottage cheese in a garbage bag—isn’t that what the holidays are all about? From wearing cringeworthy clothes from Kitson to enduring the public fallout of their sex tapes, these two have been a lot together. Here’s a live look at my cold, dead heart when I saw these girls take a pic together at Kris’s annual holiday party for the ‘gram:
Kanye’s Horrifying Birkin Bag For Kim’s Christmas Gift
The Kardashians are so extra that Kim uses a Birkin as a diaper bag. I even read a while back that North West painted a Birkin bag and gave it to her mom as a present, and I honestly thought this was an Instagram of North’s creation. First off, shoutout to North for being aware enough to know that her mom would never wear a macaroni necklace or use an ashtray made out of her handprint. But as it turns out, this bag was Kanye that designed the bag all by himself—which makes sense because this honestly looks like the cover art for My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. I imagine that Kim’s gift to Kanye was Instagramming this literal monstrosity.
Images: Getty Images; TryScience, ElleMagazine / Twitter; betches, kimkardashian, parishilton / Instagram